How can I get my father to admit he can't live alone?

I would try to be sensitive, since he is likely still grieving the loss of his wife. Does he have any need for assistance for his daily activities, like bathing, medication, meals, etc.? I'd try to give him a lot of support during this time and observe to see how much help he needs with daily care. That would help determine if he can live in AL or Independent Living or even his own home, with help.

There are options for getting him involved with activities, but, it's his decision if he will go. If he is open to a IL or AL facility, he might be intrigued with some of the activities they have to offer. Would he go with you and your husband for lunch at one of the facilities if you sincerely asked him to go? It sounds like the vibe in your household might not be that warm. I'm not sure where that comes from, but sometimes you catch more flies with honey.

If he can't live alone, I doubt if Independent Living would take him. If he moved to Assisted Living he would have lots of company and a great deal of attention from residents and staff.

Yikes! Lots of company and a great deal of attention..? Aren't those exactly what he's dreading?

And yet I agree that the right ALF is the place to look for. My ex-husband's grandfather, may his memory be for a blessing, lived to be 96 and spent the latter twenty years of his life in long term care. But the set up was a little self-contained studio flat within the main building of the facility: if he wanted assistance, meals or company it was right there, if he didn't he could close his own front door. Ideal.

Can he not live alone because of limitations with his abilities to perform activities of daily living such as dressing, bathing, eating, continence, mobility, or do you believe he should not be living alone because of his reclusive nature? If it is an issue of ADLs then ALF may be a good answer, otherwise, IL or senior living facility sounds like a great option.

Seek advice from his doctor about what would be appropriate living arrangements for him. If he can live independently or with assistance, show him some places. Tell him it's for the future and his doctor supports the plan. He may actually like a place and even get excited about it. Family should stand together on what is best and tell him you all agree it's best. If he becomes confused because of the alzheimer's, it can a very dangerous situation if he is living alone. I know of someone who was so confused they wandered, fell into the water and drowned. It's a very difficult situation.

Perhaps you need to clarify whether he does not like you. Not easy but you might be surprised at the answer. I say this because I believed that my father did not like me because he wanted a boy. After my mother's death, I asked him about my perception. He told me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I had been born healthy and turned out to be smart. Only took me 32 years to find out how he felt.
My SO is a recluse. Besides me and our dog, he sees no one. Now that he is no longer working, he is happy to be by himself. Lots of people does not seem like a good idea to me.
You did not say why he moved out of his home. If it is still available, could he move back into it--if he had daily support. However finding in-home care might take trial and error on your part.
But first, I suggest you figure out what he can afford before you proceed much farther. Money is power when it comes to caregving. See if you can find out the costs of dementia care in your area. Also find out the memory care options.
I agree strongly that he should see his family doctor to see if he is in good health or if he is depressed or anxious. You need to understand if he has Alzheimer's and what stage he is in. His stage will play a large part in the type of housing he needs. It is possible for persons with early ALZ to remain in their homes until the disease progresses.
This is a tough problem and you won't find an answer overnight.
Good luck and keep us posted. You are not alone because there are hundreds of experienced and insightful participants on this board. We can help you work through this tough problem.

Why is your father not capable of making this decision himself? You don't mention his age, there's no mention of any dementia or Alzheimer's, and there is no mention of any other condition prohibiting him from taking care of himself. He is no doubt still grieving the loss of his wife, as SunnyGirl pointed out, and deserves a voice in his own future, unless he's incapable of making decisions for some reason. As a solitary person myself, I would dread being forced into a social situation if I enjoyed being alone. It sounds like you love and care for your father very much, even if you think he doesn't like you (I've often felt that way about my mother, but it doesn't change anything). More likely, he hates being a burden and feeling dependent. If you involve him in the decision and respect his wishes, the outcome will be better for everyone, probably.

A wise friend of mine works with the elderly as a social worker. She regularly tells me as things unfold with my dad that events will naturally happen that will make these decisions for us. We can't make our parents see or do much of anything when they're still of sound mind, we must wait for events to happen, sadly often negative events, that change the picture. It's tough to watch, I've already gotten a call this morning about a fall, but we don't often get to make elderly parents do what they don't want to.

Was the loss of his wife unexpected? Your father may still be in shock from such a recent disruption to his life and daily routine. Is he being allowed mourn? He may not yet be able to think clearly about the future or even his present needs.

If he's an introvert, as many of us are, he may not be interested in joining a grief support group. Could he perhaps be coaxed to go and listen to the others?

The focus at present may need to be to comfort him and let him experience his grief. The loss of his wife may be all he can deal with at this time. I've read that big decisions and changes shouldn't be made for at least a year after such a loss.

Would it be possible for him to go home and get along okay with visits and help from you and a housekeeper and/or caregivers?

Since you refer to the deceased as his wife rather than your mother perhaps you don't deeply feel the loss of this woman. That doesn't lessen your father's pain at this huge upset in his life.

Good luck and God bless.

NYQuest, I think Independent Living would work out for the best as a start, since your profile states general age decline for your Dad. My Dad [94] had moved into a very nice 2 bedroom apartment not long after my Mom had passed. Mine you, it was expensive $4100 per month but it included once a week general housekeeping, linen and towel service, one meal in the main dining room, an alert pendent in case he needed help. Downsizing was fairly easily as Dad was a simple man, but he wanted all his books.

My Dad had always depended on my Mom for socializing and doing all the inside household chores. Mom also made all the decisions.

Dad was happy as a clam at IL just sitting in his recliner, reading, watching 24-hour news. He also had physical therapy, and looked forward to dinner with his table mates. My Dad did have morning caregivers from an outside agency who could come in the mornings to get him ready for the day, make him breakfast and lunch. Take him to doctor appointments. Again, that was expensive, too.

Now due to numerous falls and memory issues, my Dad just moved over to the Memory Care section, which is a studio apartment. Once again, more downsizing. He's happy there, too. Much more attention by the Staff, plus 3 meals in the main dining room.

So sorry. Regarding my earlier post, I see she was your mother. So you are dealing with your own feelings at this time and that makes it even harder. I apologize for the senior moment.

Dear NY,
Your father may have plans for his life (because one is never too old) that do not include daily living with his daughter he loves.
Even a recluse may want the companionship of a woman, something he will not discuss with you.
Have you asked him where he wants to live?

Why did your father move in with you?

You are his daughter. You cannot replace his wife. You cannot start treating him like a child just because he is old and it takes him a long time to do his activities of daily living. He needs time to adjust to his new reality.

Perhaps you can help him figure out how he can go back to living in his own home, if it's still available. He probably does not know how to run a household and will need help with things like grocery shopping, meal preparation, and cleaning.

If his home is no longer available to him, there are services that match up elders to live together in a private home where they share common areas but have private bedrooms. It's like real life Golden Girls and it's not just women doing it. Even though your dad is a recluse, it's important for him to be around other people his own age. As he adjusts to being a widower, he may choose to socialize with other men his age. What are his hobbies? Reading? Western movies? Antique cars?

Independent living is expensive, but for my inlaws, it makes a lot of sense because they are two people and the cost for the second person is negligible.

I think all these answers are good. If he has been reclusive all his life, there's no changing him now, and some people are happy with their own company. If he can't continue to stay with you, I think an assisted living apartment, where they get one meal a day and housekeeping help may be the solution. He can be alone most of the time, yet have at least once a day where someone is checking on him. You haven't said if he can prepare food for himself, breakfast cereal or a sandwich, something easy. If he can't do at least that, he can't be alone. Lack of nutrition is very prevalent among seniors that live alone; who wants to get dishes dirty for one person? Who will cook a roast or a big meal for themselves, what do you do with the leftovers? Ask him if he likes being in your house first. If he says he's content there, and you are content having him, let him be the recluse he has always been. If he will come out of his room for meals and company time, have your kids over and play cards or a board game. Or work on a jigsaw puzzle. Otherwise, as long as he's eating and keeping himself clean, he's probably OK.

Search for "marriage" on this forum and read. I am of the opinion that marriage and caregiving for a parent in my home do not mix. If you have an in-law suite (separate entrance, privacy) or a two-family home, that's a different matter. Ask yourself and your husband if he wants a roommate living with you. If the answer is no, find dad separate living arrangements.

When my inlaws could no longer live alone, my husband and I considered getting a bigger house for the four of us. We had visions of my inlaws and my husband and me having our own "wings" and sharing common areas like the kitchen. My brother thought it was a terrible idea and we looked for independent living instead.

Maybe the OP's does not want to be around a lot of people.There are many people, young and old that want to be alone/left alone.

My mom wasn't able to live alone either after a while. I tried to get her to move in with me but she wouldn't budge. So, I put all my belongings in storage, except for what I needed, and moved in with her.

Give your dad some space to grieve because death is hard to take. Probably like my dad, he wants to die peacefully at his own home... He's probably doesn't like/want to go to the facility because he might sees that it's depressing to live there. Try to put yourself in his shoes. My mom just died three weeks ago in nursing home from natural causes, but she had pneumonia as well. I'm now dealing with Dad at home (even though I have severe cerebral palsy). I'm his "memory" helper. Anyway,,, my dad told me he doesn't want to the facility and die there.

Did he say "I want to leave here (where he is living with you)"? I didn't see that he did. All he said was "I don't want to impose on you." Is it yourself who wants him to move to an independent or assisted living?

Your reclusive father likely finds living in a family environment overwhelming. It's not that he doesn't like you - he's an introvert who finds his peace from within. It's hard to have that kind of alone time in a family setting. For someone his age who is used to alone time, it's extra hard. There's nothing "wrong" with wanting to be alone unless the person doesn't like being alone.

He does need someone to check on him, so assisted living may be an answer. Talk with him about the fact that you understand his need for more privacy and that maybe you should help him find a way to live where he can have that but still have a meal or two provided and someone to check to make certain that he's okay. This kind of living would also provide him with company when he wants it.

Best wishes,
Carol