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How can I get him into an independent or assisted living center? He lost his wife 5 months ago and has been living with me and my husband for the last 3 months. He says he doesn't want to impose on me. I think he just doesn't like me. He's essentially a recluse, has always relied on Mom to do all of the socializing and complained when she made him go somewhere so she often did things with girlfriends instead.

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Your reclusive father likely finds living in a family environment overwhelming. It's not that he doesn't like you - he's an introvert who finds his peace from within. It's hard to have that kind of alone time in a family setting. For someone his age who is used to alone time, it's extra hard. There's nothing "wrong" with wanting to be alone unless the person doesn't like being alone.

He does need someone to check on him, so assisted living may be an answer. Talk with him about the fact that you understand his need for more privacy and that maybe you should help him find a way to live where he can have that but still have a meal or two provided and someone to check to make certain that he's okay. This kind of living would also provide him with company when he wants it.

Best wishes,
Carol
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A wise friend of mine works with the elderly as a social worker. She regularly tells me as things unfold with my dad that events will naturally happen that will make these decisions for us. We can't make our parents see or do much of anything when they're still of sound mind, we must wait for events to happen, sadly often negative events, that change the picture. It's tough to watch, I've already gotten a call this morning about a fall, but we don't often get to make elderly parents do what they don't want to.
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Search for "marriage" on this forum and read. I am of the opinion that marriage and caregiving for a parent in my home do not mix. If you have an in-law suite (separate entrance, privacy) or a two-family home, that's a different matter. Ask yourself and your husband if he wants a roommate living with you. If the answer is no, find dad separate living arrangements.

When my inlaws could no longer live alone, my husband and I considered getting a bigger house for the four of us. We had visions of my inlaws and my husband and me having our own "wings" and sharing common areas like the kitchen. My brother thought it was a terrible idea and we looked for independent living instead.
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Yikes! Lots of company and a great deal of attention..? Aren't those exactly what he's dreading?

And yet I agree that the right ALF is the place to look for. My ex-husband's grandfather, may his memory be for a blessing, lived to be 96 and spent the latter twenty years of his life in long term care. But the set up was a little self-contained studio flat within the main building of the facility: if he wanted assistance, meals or company it was right there, if he didn't he could close his own front door. Ideal.
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Was the loss of his wife unexpected? Your father may still be in shock from such a recent disruption to his life and daily routine. Is he being allowed mourn? He may not yet be able to think clearly about the future or even his present needs.

If he's an introvert, as many of us are, he may not be interested in joining a grief support group. Could he perhaps be coaxed to go and listen to the others?

The focus at present may need to be to comfort him and let him experience his grief. The loss of his wife may be all he can deal with at this time. I've read that big decisions and changes shouldn't be made for at least a year after such a loss.

Would it be possible for him to go home and get along okay with visits and help from you and a housekeeper and/or caregivers?

Since you refer to the deceased as his wife rather than your mother perhaps you don't deeply feel the loss of this woman. That doesn't lessen your father's pain at this huge upset in his life.

Good luck and God bless.
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Why is your father not capable of making this decision himself? You don't mention his age, there's no mention of any dementia or Alzheimer's, and there is no mention of any other condition prohibiting him from taking care of himself. He is no doubt still grieving the loss of his wife, as SunnyGirl pointed out, and deserves a voice in his own future, unless he's incapable of making decisions for some reason. As a solitary person myself, I would dread being forced into a social situation if I enjoyed being alone. It sounds like you love and care for your father very much, even if you think he doesn't like you (I've often felt that way about my mother, but it doesn't change anything). More likely, he hates being a burden and feeling dependent. If you involve him in the decision and respect his wishes, the outcome will be better for everyone, probably.
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NYQuest, I think Independent Living would work out for the best as a start, since your profile states general age decline for your Dad. My Dad [94] had moved into a very nice 2 bedroom apartment not long after my Mom had passed. Mine you, it was expensive $4100 per month but it included once a week general housekeeping, linen and towel service, one meal in the main dining room, an alert pendent in case he needed help. Downsizing was fairly easily as Dad was a simple man, but he wanted all his books.

My Dad had always depended on my Mom for socializing and doing all the inside household chores. Mom also made all the decisions.

Dad was happy as a clam at IL just sitting in his recliner, reading, watching 24-hour news. He also had physical therapy, and looked forward to dinner with his table mates. My Dad did have morning caregivers from an outside agency who could come in the mornings to get him ready for the day, make him breakfast and lunch. Take him to doctor appointments. Again, that was expensive, too.

Now due to numerous falls and memory issues, my Dad just moved over to the Memory Care section, which is a studio apartment. Once again, more downsizing. He's happy there, too. Much more attention by the Staff, plus 3 meals in the main dining room.
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Dear NY,
Your father may have plans for his life (because one is never too old) that do not include daily living with his daughter he loves.
Even a recluse may want the companionship of a woman, something he will not discuss with you.
Have you asked him where he wants to live?
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Maybe the OP's does not want to be around a lot of people.There are many people, young and old that want to be alone/left alone.
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Perhaps you need to clarify whether he does not like you. Not easy but you might be surprised at the answer. I say this because I believed that my father did not like me because he wanted a boy. After my mother's death, I asked him about my perception. He told me how much he loved me and how grateful he was that I had been born healthy and turned out to be smart. Only took me 32 years to find out how he felt.
My SO is a recluse. Besides me and our dog, he sees no one. Now that he is no longer working, he is happy to be by himself. Lots of people does not seem like a good idea to me.
You did not say why he moved out of his home. If it is still available, could he move back into it--if he had daily support. However finding in-home care might take trial and error on your part.
But first, I suggest you figure out what he can afford before you proceed much farther. Money is power when it comes to caregving. See if you can find out the costs of dementia care in your area. Also find out the memory care options.
I agree strongly that he should see his family doctor to see if he is in good health or if he is depressed or anxious. You need to understand if he has Alzheimer's and what stage he is in. His stage will play a large part in the type of housing he needs. It is possible for persons with early ALZ to remain in their homes until the disease progresses.
This is a tough problem and you won't find an answer overnight.
Good luck and keep us posted. You are not alone because there are hundreds of experienced and insightful participants on this board. We can help you work through this tough problem.
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