How do I get my mom to drink water?

This situation points out how complex caregiving really is. Furthermore, it also points out that we, as caregivers, are forced to come up with our clever solutions because so many so called experts are clueless about practical issues.

my father is a diabetic on dialysis and is now bedbound and has been for 3-4 months. he had all toes on one foot removed. they can't get him out of bed because when they try, his blood pressure plummets, he gets dizzy and lays back down. he has a 50% blockage, but they won't operate because it's too risky. my problem is that nobody can get him to drink water and he doesn't know just how badly this is. my mom said his muscles are just gone and thinks it's from something else, but i just can't get them to realize that it's mostly from not drinking water. how do i convince him that he is killing himself. i know it's his life, and he is the most stubborn person i know, but if i don't try and he dies i will never forgive myself. i'm at my wits end.

If she likes cold water, try giving her ice chips to suck on. Give her in a bowl or cup with a spoon. That will not fill her up. Hope it helps.

It amazes me, too, where topics lead. It's healthy talk. I'm so glad you've got her drinking water : )

I think the reason this stirred so much talk was that no one really knew what shape your mom is in. That makes a huge difference to how one responds. So, we thank you for wording the topic as you did. It was thought provoking and brought losts of practical suggestions, as well. Good luck with your mom, and I hope you will keep checking in with other topics as well.
Carol

Hi everyone. My mom is drinking now up to 2-3 cups of water a day. She still fights me some what. When I started this post, I didn't know how one topic could stir up so much attention. Thanks for all who posted great ideas. Best wishes to all who care for a love one.

Yearight, you are, well, right. Our culture has been taught to treat death as unnatural. It's part of the life cycle. We want to keep our loved ones with us as long as we can, but when there is nothing that can be done - and for myself, I prefer quality over quantity - if they are ready to go, I believe it's their right. If they truly want every effort made to keep them alive, again it's their choice. That's why having conversations with our loved ones early on, and having a health directive is so important. It takes some of the burden off the family.

Carol

i'm glad that the peg tube worked for Madisons mom, however it is not always the way to go. It is natural for us to try to keep our parents with us as long as possible. But we need to learn to recognize when it is time to let go. Death is as natural as life. When we have done all we can and nothing works it is OK.
Physicans are taught to heal. They are not taught to allow someone die, as with hospice care. But thankfully that is changing. Also, the more tests run and procedures done, the more money is made. Sadly that is the nature of the beast. That is why we as caregivers must stay informed so that we can be the best advocate possible for our loved ones. Peace

Good for you!
Take care and come back and chat when you have a few minutes.
Carol

Helping my Dad help my mom

1215, You didn't "run on and on." That was a magnificent post! We need to be our loved one's advocates. Our medical system is set up to "cure." “Procedures” are how they make their money. Hopefully, that will change.

There comes a time for all of us when we can't be cured. We wear out and are ready to go. In this case, you even had the right legal papers in place, which makes it all the more horrible that you had to be put in a situation where you had to demand that they undo what your mother didn’t want. That's sickening.

More attention is now being directed to allowing people consultations with medical personnel about dying when their time has come, rather than keeping them alive artificially. There are times for feeding tubes, but there are times when it's cruel. I am surprised that the hospice you had wasn't more forceful. They are the ones to call when everyone agrees death is coming and you want to make it as pain free and serene as possible. I had great experiences as I attended my parents' peaceful deaths (though feeding tubes were not an option, anyway). Hospice kept them both pain free, and it was wonderful to sit with them and help them go when they were definitely ready.

I'm so glad you are telling your story. Please continue to do so.

The decision to let our parent go with God is never an easy one. In 2002, my 90-year-old mother with end stage renal failure and having dialysis three times a week died. I had talked with her months before asking what her wishes were. She did not want a feeding tube and voiced how tired she was and that she was ready to go when God was ready for her. I had all the paperwork in place, or so I thought. Yet, after she had the stroke in the hospital, the next day when I walked into her room, there was that feeding tube down her throat. The nurse told me I could not come in. I was livid and walked in and told the nurse to take the DAMN feeding tube out. My mother was looking at me like, "Why did they put this DAMN thing in yet again? Right after they took it out, she had a MAJOR stroke with facial distortions like I hope I never see again. I told her she could go. Then, a different nurse helped me to help my mother receive comfort measures including morphine, duragesic patch, Ativan, whatever she needed to make the dying process easier. I have a strong faith and know my mother is in heaven. It just pains me wondering WHY the doctors never help you with that decision and will just keep doing test after test giving you false hope instead of just saying to the family that they have done all they can and mom is tired and it is OKAY to let them go. It just staggers my mind that even when I asked for help from hospice and the patient advocate at the hospital that none was really given, yet as soon as I made that feeding tube decision it seemed like they all came out of the woodwork to be there. PLEASE, medical personnel, CHANGE this approach and BE THERE for the families ahead of time!!!! Sorry that I ran on, but I just want caregivers out there to know that the doctor is not going to make that decision and it is OKAY for you to make it for your loved one.

It's amazing what a little variety will do! That and the choice of making a decision, rather than feeling pushed, if the person is capable, can often work wonders. I'm so happy the new cup worked.

The brilliance and compassion of you caregivers is awesome.
Carol

Keep up the good work. I hope she continues to drink for you.
As in my experience when they stop drinking and eating it isn't too long before they die. I have worked for health care agency and seen this with a client I cared for for two years and also with my 45 year old daughter when she was dying from a brain tumor.
Just keep on doing what you have been doing. My prayers are with you.

She drinks 1-1 and 1/2 cups of water each day with the OJ, coffee, ensure, and other drinks? I'd say that's enough. Don't push it. Make sure there are bountiful fluids around and don't worry about the water. When she's thirsty, she'll reach for one of those liquid drinks that are around her.

Through my adult years I can still hear my Mother telling my siblings and I that she never wanted a peg tube to feed her.
After a journey with Hodgkins, (a chemo she could take) over five years ago, my Mother changed in so many ways. She loved life in a more pleasurable way. She ceased from worrying in so many ways; she learned to leave those worries with the Lord Jesus. One year ago she became ill again and was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma. I've written in an earlier post about how she could not take the chemo because it was too strong but she did continue with the radiation. On December 28th, we learned the Adenocarcinoma was gone. Prayer works. But the wear on her body from these treatments makes families wonder, is it worth it for the elderly to go through so much strife to enable them to have life. It differs between people, of course. My Mother chose life. When she fell ill, the dementia set in. For months I watched my Mother being someone I did not know. It was hard to be with her and hear her speak but did not have any recollection of her own life.... but still, she knew me. She knew my siblings. It seems I've gone off course here, but it is for good reason: When the doctors order certain tests, they can at times, order for more than one test to be done in the same time frame. This makes it so much easier on an elderly patient. Once asleep, they do not stress over the test that may somehow bring answers to bringing them back to good health, or answers to family members when to decide 'enough is enough'. My family and I had decided that if the peg tube did not work, that 'enough was going to be enough'. We were not going to ask her to keep going. The peg tube enabled her to receive the nutrients her body and her mind was starving for. She had gone from 145 lbs. to 90 lbs. in less than two months. She received her water through the peg tube because she was choking on anything she took by mouth. Into the second week of the peg tube feedings, she began to come back to us. By one month, she was up to 115 lbs. She is now at 124 lbs and we just had the peg tube removed. She still suffers from the dementia but on a very low scale which is our blessing and miracle given to us for she remembers us, she remembers her past and is beginning to be able to remember her 'yesterdays'.
It is my opinion from experience, nutrition is the #1 key to how well an elderly person can maintain and continue living in good health.
I pray your Mother will begin to eat and drink without having to have the peg tube. But if it comes to having to have it, know what I did not: it is a simple procedure and once in, good cleaning and care of it will enable her to keep it for the time she needs it.
Good that you took the straws. They can build up air in the tummy causing gas and tummy aches.
God bless you on your journey,
....and God bless your dear Mother. We only have one in this lifetime and I thank the Lord for her every day of my life.

She would never go for a EGD or a colonoscopy. She would rather die, then go through those procedures. Plus, with her age I don't think she could handle the procedures. We'll have to do drastic measure if she doesn't get better.
Today needs to be written in the books. I got her to drink 3 CUPS of water. I changed her favorite drinking cup to a bright new kids sippy cup. (yes, I tried straws, different cups, water bottles,etc...) Maybe she needed a change, wish I thought of it sooner. Hope it continues.
Thank you for the kind words and support.

My Mother, who suffered from only one week of a very strong round of Chemotherapy, (the chemo was too strong for her frail little 75 year old body so the rest of the chemo was called off); she was also taking a low dose of radiation. She fell and fractured her hip which was magnificently repaired by a great bone surgeon. She fell into the worst state of dementia throughout all this. She stopped eating & stopped drinking water. She stared at a corner of the hospital ceiling for close to a month, showing all signs that she was dying. Our family felt there was still hope and her condition had fallen to the limits that we had to take drastic measures, so we had a peg-tube put in her. It saved her life. It nurtured her mind, as well as her body. She was so close to death and today she is wheeling herself around in her wheelchair! God bless! I will keep your Mother and you in my prayers.
~~A. Leigh

Maybe Kool Aid and puddings. Have they ruled out any digestive problems with tests? My dad is 96 now but when he was 85 he had quadruple bypass and would not drink or eat. I remember trying to give him soups, puddings, you name it. It was not until later that I had to rush him to the hospital, and it turned out he had an ulcer. They did a EGD (esophagogastroduodenoscopy) which just means they put a tube down the esophagus, and sure enough they found the ulcer. Just a thought.

My father now has trouble swallowing to some degree due to Parkinsons. So, there are certain diseases that affect swallowing. Considering she has had two strokes certainly have a lot to do with this. What do the nurses say?

There is medication that stimulates the appetite. Check with the doctor.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. Doctor said, "meds" can cause some foods to taste strange. I've been giving her "SmartWater", water with electrolytes. (Much better than Pedialyte, my kids never wanted to drink it, said it tasted terrible.)
I spoke to her doctor about Depression. She tried the different meds, but had severe reactions to all. I felt the cure was worst then the cause.
Constipation issue-not enough fluids, increased water & fiber, laxatives, suppositories as doctor's orders (in small doses). Well, soon I'm in my elbow in poop everywhere, cleaning, and diapers. She's believes that drinking water gives her the runs. Its a vicious cycle.
Thanks for listening.

Well said, Jellybeans.
Carol

I had a few more thoughts.
Is her constipation being treated? That may be a partial reason why she's not eating or drinking. Has the doctor looked into the many reasons why she isn't hungry? Is she very ill with something? Is she depressed? Depression is common in the elderly and loss of appetite is one of the signs.

I think that keeping her nourished is important, but the bigger picture is to find out why she isn't hungry or thirsty.

Good luck. It's not easy. You can't force anyone to eat or drink.

Beaone has a point with depression. A lot depends on where you mother is in her health. If she is basically healthy, this could be a mental health issue. If she is very ill, it could be something different. Either way, keeping it close as you've been doing (whatever fluid or food you try) and leaving to her may help. But if depression is at the bottom of it, anti-depressants increase thirst for most people, so that in itself may make her want to drink more water. Lots of good suggestions here.
Carol

Have you tried flavored water that is not carbonated. I think it tastes better than plain water. There are various flavors, strawberry, raspberry, etc. I would encourage you to put it in a glass close to her, and encourage her through out the day... take care J

Instead of water, try Pedialyte. In fact there is a product on the market called Pedia-Pop, full of electrolytes and portable to keep kids hydrated when they travel, etc. If she's eating some junk foods, this might work and they are geared to keeping up hydration. Quite frankly, your mother sounds extremely depressed and addressing this problem might solve the other one.

Good tip. I used to run the water for my mother to try to make her thirsty, and also to try to get her to urinate.
Carol

Drink a glass of water yourself which is taken from the same tap water outlet as the water which is served to her in a glass of water. Sometimes the refusal of water is due to no thirst, the drinking of water is a reminder of medication taking, or the refusal of water is to keep from soiling her clothing after drinking water (no intake equals no output).

Not hydrating can be fatal, but forcing it can backfire, too. It's a horrible dilemma. As you already know, fluids are more important than food. Have you been blunt with her about this? That is she doesn't drink fluids, even when she doesn't want them, she will either need to have them administered medically or she could die?

I know my mother used to get angry at the nursing home people for pushing fluids. She drank as much as she could. But she had no appetite either, and her organs were shutting down, so she was dying anyway. Her body was rejecting it all. Hopefully, this is not what you are facing here, and you can encourage her, but if she knows the facts and wants to live, she will have to force herself.

All the things you've done are right. But we make our own choices, in the end. If she knows that this could kill her, she may change or she may not. You will know you've done (and will keep doing) your best.

Maybe if she is truly convinced (by a doctor?) of the seriousness of this, and then you just leave fluids by her everywhere, and don't nag, she will take it upon herself to drink as much as she can. One can have hope. Rebellion takes many forms. If she knows she is responsible for her intake, that what she needs is there if she will only do her part, maybe she will.

You are wonderfully caring and doing everything you can. Take care of yourself, and please don't feel guilty. Carol

Why is she not hungry? Sometimes medications can depress an appetite. How about an appetite stimulant? Hospital IV's are no fun. And is she being treated for Depression? (Not caring, "waiting to die.") Sounds like you're doing all the right things. What a good daughter! Perhaps your Mom needs more intervention, or a second opinion. Hang in there, and hopefully you'll find a good solution.

I've tried shakes and smoothies, but she drink about a 1/8-1/4 cup then she done. I know a little is better than nothing. Thanks for the advice.