The first thing that comes to my mind: Call the facility and ask them that exact question. They must have similar issues with other new residents, and probably will offer you assistance, such as meeting you at the door. I would absolutely not take him there in your car, unassisted. I would ask a reliable family member or friend - preferably male (for the muscle) to accompany you and your Dad to the facility. Perhaps you could appease him with 'we're just going to visit and see what it's like' or 'we're going for some medical tests today'. I know it's a lie, and very unpalatable, but we sometimes have to resort to this when we have no other choice. Don't forget you are dealing with a mentally ill person and they can become very agitated and aggressive without warning. You don't want that to happen while driving. You might also call his doctor to prescribe a mild tranquilizer that you could give him a day or two in advance to keep him calm. The point is to have a plan and try to prepare for any unexpected contingencies. This is a very emotionally wrenching decision that you have been brave enough to make and I commend you for recognizing the time to take this next step in your father's care.
I have often suggested that the facility I work in provide a lunch for the family. That way you aren't going to 'the facility' you are taking your family member to lunch. Then I have the family eat together at a table in the dining area. Then after lunch, we get the family member engaged in something and after a bit the family leaves. Do they just slip out? It depends on the person you are leaving behind. Often, it is possible to say, "We are going and we'd like you to stay here." We'll be back after a while." No matter how much we plan, this transition can be a difficult time. Hang in there. I prefer this method and it creates much less drama for everyone involved. If your Dad is very much against moving, the idea of going out to eat works well as that is a perfectly normal thing to do. In a facility that doesn't appear much as a restaurant, I have used the idea that this is a church and all the nice church ladies fixed this food for us. Don't be afraid to be creative!
When it became clear that it was time, I told my mom that I wasn't able to care for her any longer. That way, the focus was on my skills, not her. We had visited the NH 1.5 years earlier, so we had a plan in place. Even so, she wasn't happy, but she was cooperative.
When I was putting my mother into assisted living I faced the same problem. I told her we were going to visit her current caregiver at the time's friend. Once we were in the facility, the staff took over and that was it. She wasn't happy about it and still sometimes remembers that it was me who put her there but I had to do what I thought was right. When dealing with someone with dementia, you can talk about the facility, agree about the facility and decide a date and the person with dementia won't remember any of that when it comes time to move. Good Luck and definitely talk to the facility staff. They will help you as much as they can.
My mother was still as physically fit as I am, but mean, angry and combative. She HAD to get away from her home because she baracaded the door & wouldn't let us in, didn't eat and refused to take her meds. Sis and I had to file for, and get guardianship with the help of an attorney and doctors. Sis and I found an awesome AL, we signed a contract and when a room we ready, we set a plan into motion. On the day of the funeral of a family friend, Sis took mom to the funeral while a brother and I moved her belongings into the AL. When the funeral, lunch and shopping was done. Sis took her to the AL saying, mom, I'd love for you to see the apartments at this facility. The outdoor temperature was 109 degrees and mother refused to get out of the car - she caught onto what we were doing. It took hours, literally, to get her into the building, and that was only because the Administrator kept giving her glasses of icy cold tea. Once inside, we had to hand her over and couldn't see mom for 6 weeks. She became accustomed to her surroundings and the AL schedule and soon forgot about her house. What I'm saying here is that my mother was not safe to be around. She was a danger to society. If she didn't kill somebody, somebody would pull a gun on her in self defense. There would be NOBODY that would be able to care for her at home. What I'm saying here is that not everybody can be kept at home, it can be dangerous for both the family and the parent.
The simplest answer is, stop discussing it with him that you're making this move and when the day comes, don't tell the truth about where you're going. Make up a very pleasant story about to you're going to see, or what could even be an animal or something else if he's interested in, or a game you're going in to play. My aunt was an alcoholic with alcohol dementia that we didn't know at the time. But she was having serious urinary problems yet she refused to get in the car on the afternoon I told her we were going to the hospital. NO, NO, NO ! So I let it go, acted really casual the next morning, I told her 'we' we're out of vodka and I needed her to show me where the liquor store was, got her in the car, drove to the hospital, she asked what we were doing there, I said I had to pick up some money to go to the liquor store, she said she'd wait, I said no I don't know my way around you have to help me. We got in the door, the rest was history. It feels repugnant to intentionally lie to her parents, but when you're dealing with dementia and/or mental illness, you don't really have a choice. Actually, you're putting yourself and them in jeopardy when you try to tell them the truth.
Plant the seeds that a move will happen at some point in the "future". We moved mom to an AL, on the day of the move, I took her shopping while other family moved her furniture. Then I drove her over to the community. She was very angry, crying,etc. It was a very hard thing to do but we had to do it. We told her it was temporary for about 4-6 weeks. Every time she asks when she gets to go home, we say in about 4-6 weeks. When she asks how long have I been here, we say 1 week. This was in April that we moved her. She still has some bad days where she will yell at us and cry when we visit but she is thriving, eating gaining some weight back, participates in activities and has made a couple friends. It is a big adjustment for everyone involved. Take care and good luck!
Some of what I read on this site is actually scary. What people have to endure when dealing with the elderly is terrible. Why is it, that there is so much suffering for all involved when a person gets old? The golden years....don't sound so golden to me!
I feel bad for what you are going through, nothing easy for sure, and I guess we all have stuff we must do at one time or another. I agree with not talking about it to him anymore. I know my mother will obsess about anything that I tell her we are going to do, so I don't say anything about it and just do what we must do. She will not remember usually, it is amazing what they pick to remember, I guess it is the things that she places most importance on. Just get it all prepared for him. Stay out of the what ifs, you are literally driving yourself crazy and focus on what you can. When the time comes just take him without any hoopla and go from there.
Is there someone else who can take him? You're his child and even his compromised cognitive state, that relationship is a long-standing one. It's hard for both of you to break out of those roles. He may pull the 'dad card' to bully you into delaying a move and you may play the child role and allow that. So, pick a day for the move, move his essentials there so their waiting for him and carefully choose someone to take him. An ideal situation might be for it to be someone whose company he still enjoys, like an old friend or a nephew. Arrange for them both to have lunch there together so his first experience there is a good one. You can go later and help him settle in and bring a few final things over (to decide when - later that day or later in the week - call the director and ask for advice depending upon how he's adjusting).
Avoid a big, unpleasant scene on his first day by stepping out of the situation. Depending upon how advanced his dementia is, he is likely to react better around those he's still putting on a good face for.
What I'm saying here is that my mother was not safe to be around. She was a danger to society. If she didn't kill somebody, somebody would pull a gun on her in self defense. There would be NOBODY that would be able to care for her at home. What I'm saying here is that not everybody can be kept at home, it can be dangerous for both the family and the parent.
Avoid a big, unpleasant scene on his first day by stepping out of the situation. Depending upon how advanced his dementia is, he is likely to react better around those he's still putting on a good face for.
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