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He lives with us, me and my fiancée and step-son. I want him to understand that I have a life too, and that this is my house and some rules are just going to have to be followed even though I am "his child". Im scared that it will get to the point of my fiancée giving me an ultimatum... Either my father moves out, with our help of course, or he will... Please help!

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Also, BTW if your fiancé loves you, he is committed to you. You should be working this out with him and with his input. And rather than let family matters tear you apart, get MARRIED and act married, not like this 'commitment' is a dicey thing that can be torn apart by outside forces or people. I also have to saw, and this is not a moral judgement at all, but if your 'fiancé' is on the fence he is not in his mind really a commitment partner. Therefore, unless he demonstrates he is, get HIM out and take care of you dad, again, with boundaries.
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Your dad, excuse the expression, views himself as 'alpha dog', still leader of his pack. I understand; I have an 84 year old father just like that. I refuses to listen to anyone when we tell him to stop getting on top of the roof to do repairs, expects that he still in the end has most all the answers, and I believe in him mind sees all five of his offspring as 'the kids'. Bottom line, he is in your home and your helping him out. You ave a right and your family deserves to be put first, but your father is still your father. If he needs help, it's respectful to do so with boundaries. You can't expect him to like it and you can't expect yourself to feel fine with this. They dynamic has been in place since you were born. Try as much as possible to take emotion out of it and do the right thing. Close ears to any guilt trips that he might lay on you but do be willing to hear him out and review with your significant other and family who are also 'enrolled' in the program by virtue of his being there how they feel and what thoughts they may have, Enlist professional help either/and for all parties in this 'stew' in order for it to blend well. Best of luck.
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I am from South Africa, we have what we call UBUNTU, you never neglect your parents, if you do nothing will work out for you. We are very close as family so that we can take care of our elderly until their time arrive. We love our parents like our own children even if they want to take control. You just allow them to enjoy their last day in peace. So love your father until the end my dear you will have all the blessings.
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I am from South
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LindsayRandy, are you still here?
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Any time there is a rule, there has to be a consequence if it's broken or nobody will take you seriously. Your end game has to be that either he cooperates or he moves out.
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I'm impressed anybody knows where to start. Compromise on what? Afraid fiancé will issue ultimatum: why afraid, and what kind of ultimatum? How old are fiancé and future stepson? Is marriage imminent or hypothetical? Whose house is it, anyway? Who came first, fiancé or father? What kind of depression? - reactive or chronic depressive illness?

Some clues would be helpful!
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Ferris although sometimes harsh is sometimes right? Any man that gives you an ultimatum over him or caring for your father is not a good person. but i dont think thats what the problem is as again you dont say?
My neighbours sister gave up her job to look after her mum with als she moved in with her husband to her mums home to care for her what a great husband but after 2 yrs they just couldnt do it anymore as she was too much work but they tried anyway and thats the main thing. ALL we can do is try and if it dosnt work out so what? dosnt mean we are bad people. I wish to god i had a partner here with me for company and support but with dementia thats not going to be easy. If its only depression then set boundaries with him or get his doc to talk to him also depression can mimic dementia so make sure your doc rules that out first demand a brain scan thats what i did when my mums so called "depression" was becoming unbearable and i was right this was not depression. Living with an elder with depression is not so bad and can be worked out dementia or als i think is alot more hard work.
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My own 84 year old father is still hard headed and while I am 58 he and my mother see me and my four younger siblings as 'the kids'. They still say things to me like 'you'll understand when you get older, you are still so young'. I am a grandmother of 8, mother of 3, step mother of 3 and have had a career that I was old enough to RETIRE from. I live away from my parents because they are very difficult. And my mother is very and has always been very rageful, vindictive and plain mean. My siblings get all involved in ruminating about them and it goes no place.
If your dad is not going to compromise, the I guess you have to do what you can do, within your limitations. Get on with your life. It probably isn't good for you all to be living together, but that part is up to you and the constraints of his finances. I do believe that all people need to live with consequences of their actions. My own parents I am sure still think they can bully people and get what they want. if my siblings want to kowtow to that, so be it. I would never NOT care for them to the best of my ability. I don't believe that means that I could or should be required to live with them.
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Well, if your fiancé gives you an ultimatum, maybe you should consider what he would do if you became ill and he had to take care of you. At some point either your father compromises with whatever is bothering you (because you do not say or if your father has dementia), or your fiancé does. Living together is not easy in the best of situations, and coming together usually takes between 3 - 5 yrs. and if you are not willing to stick it out and work out the problems, then you have a decision to make. We cannot.
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My advice ASSISTED LIVING he would probaly love it but then again we dont know his health problems?
I live with my mum her house her rules! just be grateful that its your house and you have the right to a life in your own home.
IF it was my house my mum would not be living with me but she has dementia IF she was just old and frail I wouldnt have a problem but when the mind goes its hell to look after them and compromising with someone whose losing it just dosnt work ever it gets worse.
I would also consider day care and respite if he refuses to go then suggest AL but we need to know what illnesses he has?
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You have decide what you want to put up with and what your future looks like and whether you can live with that. If not, only you have the power to make things different.

Put care plan in place for him and move out. Or have a family round table and tell him here are the rules, can he live by them, if not, he has 60 days to find new place with your help. Then follow thru.

Cut the ties or you will be "just you and dad" because fiancé will eventually be gone because he will no longer want to live with the stress or will tire of seeing you taken advantage of and have no backbone to make a change.

We don't know your situation but you have the power to make a choice and live with the decision. Maybe being his caregiver is what you deep down want to do and that is ok too.
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As said before more information is needed in order to give good advice. That said when FIL moved in with us he gave ME a run for the money in that he wanted me to do everything the way his wife would. NOT HAPPENING HERE! First of all it is MY house and I do things my way in my house. That being said it has taken several YEARS of cranky discussions and telling him if he didn't like the food he could take himself to Mc Donalds and meaning it, to get things in line. We still have flare ups often, but he will sulk for a few days and not talk to us...oh well ! I was feeling so angry and resentful it was not pretty.
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If his main problem is depression, you need to move him out to a nearby apartment. That way you can get on with your life and he will be near enough that a daily visit will reassure you that he is okay. Get him involved in volunteering or some other activity. Make sure he takes any meds that have been prescribed. With new acquaintances, activities and meds, he should be okay on his own.
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It is OK to set boundaries with someone who is trying to overstep them. Often people with mental issues are very manipulative. If your father is acting out, maybe an evaluation to adjust or start medications would be helpful. Also people forget that counseling for past issues which may be causing the depression is necessary.
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"Good" and "bad" are subjective, here. Parents might be resentful, but it does also depend on the situation. I've got my mother living with my husband and I. It's a lot more work but I think I like this better than feeling like I have to be running over to the nursing home or assisted living, all the time. I feel it's more convenient for me. But I have a different approach because my family has a tradition of this. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and lived with us. As a girl, I just had to learn to live with the fact that my grandma wasn't like other grandmas that you see on TV that bake cookies and whatever.

Overall, I hear people tell me this all the time -- how stupid I am for doing this or how angelic I am for doing this. I don't value any of these comments -- how can others who don't know my situation place judgements on this. I'm neither stupid nor angelic nor is anyone else who takes in someone. Each person has their own capacities and we all have to learn to deal with what life hands us.

My advice to all -- be at peace with your decision, whether to take someone in or not, and don't listen to anyone else tell you otherwise. As our parents always drilled into us, "just do your best."
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I have not heard of many situations where parents move in with their children and it is good. Often they are resentful at losing their independence. I haven't heard of too many where children move in with their parents and it is good. Everyone suffers from loss of privacy. If he can live alone and nearby, much better for all. If he can't assisted living might be solution. I think it only works well when all have a clear mind, and little emotional baggage.
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As with others who responded, I'll say that you didn't give enough information to know how to respond, but I will give this one experience of my own:
When I ask my mother to do new things, she pretty much just says "no," every time. She seems resistant to change or new things. But I've found that it's a knee jerk response on her part and that there are ways to show her that the "new thing" might be something she even likes. I also find that if it's reinforced by an outside person that she trusts and respects (like her doctor) that it helps her see things differently.

I realize none of this might apply, but I figure it's not advice that's going to hurt you, either.
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Give us more information in order to help you
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What do you want him to compromise on?
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I'm curious, if his issue is depression, as it says in your profile, how he came to live with you. How impaired is he, and how old? This sounds like a very difficult situation that you're in, I'm sorry that you're going through this.
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Sooner or later we all choose to leave home and get on with our lives. Yes, you must choose, you see the storm clouds on the horizon. Children who cling to their parents too long end up very lonely in the end.
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You didn't describe any illnesses or conditions your dad may have. How long has he lived with you? How much care does he need? What are some specific issues you are having with your dad? A little more information would enable folks to get a better understanding of what's going on.
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