How do I get my brother to understand how difficult a caregiving job is?

I've seen this so often! The caregiving falls on one adult kid. I moved in with my late mom 400 miles away from my home. My brother, all the way across the country, said he wouldn't do it. Even when our mother was on her death bed, he went home! One thing I did was to write down each task I handled when I had to live there. It turned out to be 38 pages long for half a year. I did say once my half year was up "I'm outta here." Our mother did decease after 6 months of me living there, though. For you, get an attorney involved. 

It was my understanding from a previous thread that Younestsis1972 said her brother had been appointed the Temporary Guardian of her mother for her finances. So, her brother has to answer to the court as to how the mother's money is spent.

My opinion, don't waste your time trying to get your family to understand; they obviously don't care. Sorry.

First, take care of yourself, get support and help. Find out what resources are out there to help you. Look at other alternatives - assisted living; nursing homes etc. There may be a time when you decide you don't or can't do this anymore. That is okay

Who has POA, if you don't have it - get it. It is very common for other families members to let one shoulder the burden. Don't worry about them, just get the help you need. You will have support and evidence that it is "not all drama" from the agencies that help you.

I am not sure if you can. Nobody ever really knows or understands the emotional, financial and physical toll being the sole caregiver unless they have been there themselves. Even my husband (because he is not involved in anyway with my Mother) and she lives here on the property with us has no clue how this has really affected me. He always thinks I have it easy, just because I am not working a 40 hr a week job at a company like he is, and what could be so difficult? I have tried explaining it to him and sometimes he seems to get it but then he goes back to his original thought process. It can be maddening. So I am unsure, even if you get a diagnosis from your doctor that you can convince them of your reality. Maybe take a "mandatory vacation" and have them take turns taking over for a couple weeks! Better still, a month! See how they like being trapped, making sure all the parents needs are tended to and making sure they remain safe. Unfortunately, again, our burnout is cumulative and takes a good year or more before you really start feeling the toll on you and your life. You could also suggest putting them in a facility and show them the cost per month for you to get your life back. Make sure they understand this would be coming out of their pockets as well, maybe then they will reconsider the sacrifice and money you are saving everyone (excluding yourself) as well as freedom to live your life. There is no price tag for that!

I think the answer is : You can't. You've been in this situation so long it's now, "the norm". And your sibs, while maybe being off board and snarky, ARE aware of the day to day caregiving and that's exactly why they are NOT there to do it.

My mother lives in an apt with my youngest brother. She has been there almost 20 years now. What seemed like such a great idea to brother at the time has practically killed him. He's having back surgery today, most of the damage is due to Mother's care (lifting, moving, etc). I asked him recently if he still thought having her there was a great idea and he said he should never, ever have done it.

My sibs know good and well how hard it is to care for Mother. I am the only other one who helps out, but it's limited to what mother will "allow" me to do for her. She feels that it's brother's job. (She has some dementia and that makes everything worse).

If you can "resign" from this, please do. Caregiving can literally kill you. I spent 3-4 hrs with mother on Monday and spent yesterday in bed with a raging migraine--all thanks to my lousy relationship with her and trying to be "helpful". If she moved in with me (which she hinted she'd like) it would kill me, literally.

Truthfully, you know you can't get your sibs on board. This is not a new dynamic. It's been gong on a long time. They are all comfortable with you doing it all and nothing will change unless you change it.

I am so sorry for your struggles. I understand. A lot of us are in similar or exactly the same situation.

I agree with BarbBrooklyn. I wish that I had thought of those things. I just went into care giving mode. I asked for help and was basically told they all agreed (6 siblings), that if I lived with my mom, I should do the day to day! But when did the day to day end? I am not sure you will ever get your family to understand. Maybe they do not want to. I know my sibs did not. They used it as ammunition.

The physical care giving for me, was not as deep as the emotional. I feel scarred today, because I took the brunt of my mom's aggression and depression. Plain and simple, your brother (sibs) do not want to help. They throw it back at you to justify their behavior. I too had injuries and health issues, but didn't care. Human's have a tendency to take care of themselves first, unless they are an empathetic being.

If you could foresee the future, I say take care of you. It does not get easier. I have gone no contact with my sibs and have no desire to have them in my presence. They manipulated my mom, turned her against me for several months. It was a heart breaking time. When I got my mom back, I spent the last year of her life in happier times; She passed last September and I miss her terribly. Adding insult to injury, they had me written out of the will and took everything, including possessions that were suppose to go to me. Now I can only feel sorry for their childish selfish acts which I believe are due to their own subconscious guilt, if it exists!

I miss my mom terribly as her 95th birthday comes up, but I no longer have any communication with them. People who do not help their parents and treat you like you are the problem are only projecting their own inadequacies and guilt. It has been a long journey for me, but I know I was there for my mom until the end, which they weren't. I can hold my head up with no guilt.

You cannot make them see. They do not want to see. Unless you have walked the path, you truly do not understand. You will not change them. I am sorry. I have been there. Take care of yourself!

Guardians have a duty to provide for the needs of the Ward, with the Ward's funds, if they are available. IF it's not being done properly, the Court would be entitled to review and intervene. A new Guardian may be appropriate. I'd consult with an attorney to get the options and process.

I am an only child now and feel for you youngestsis1972. A client of mine sent me a book called "The 36 Hour Day" written by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins, which has been very helpful to me. You may be able to find it in a book store or online.

That being said, my situation remains the same however, I have hired an attorney to protect my mom's finances and I have POA. It took a long time to gather the info I needed for the attorney but I believe it will help in the long run.

You don't specify why your mom needs 24/7 care so I don't know if this will help you. My mom had advanced dementia and her doctor just told me that it's time to place her in a nursing home for her own good.

I wish you the best of luck!

I was caring for my 93 year old Mom & 2 grandkids with very little time off! I had a back injury & couldn't do any lifting! My brother who did nothing to help me in 10 months stepped in after telling my mom i could no longer care for her, he made allegations that i was taking advantage of her, treating her poorly & had her believing it all! I now have no contact with my brother & have been taken off all of her bank accounts & POA revoked! What a slap in the face!

Let me send them a letter, 2.5 years looking after both parents. I have had slipped disc, rotator cuff injury, sciatica issues. When I get sick I still have to put in a hard days work. I garden, I clean everyday all day, laundry, taxi service, cook the meals, grocery shop, keep their finances in order, pay their bills, doctors appoints, Heart specialist out of town, personal care, and medication. But the real hard part the one I need a break from is them not understanding what I am saying now. Both haveon-set denentia as well as seriousmobility issues. Heart problems, oh dear , the list goes on. So if u would like me to write ur family I would be happy too. Hang in their ok, I understand what your going thru ❤️

Thanks Barb. I had seen the previous posts but hadn't made the connection.

From the OP's previous posts, that IS the situation, Carla.

As you say, trying to get family to help when they are clueless, mean, ill, overwhelmed or too far away is a sad and useless row to hoe.

Better to let it go and find local resources. Contacting one's local Area Agency on Aging has proved for several of my friends to be the way to find the means to pay for care.

I'd like to agree with what Barb said, but I think that in many cases, family dynamics or family finances make the idea of a caregiver contract just not feasible.

I have POA for my mother, but there are no resources to provide care for her. Her monthly income pays for her living expenses and medical copayments and that's about it. There are no savings. I'm already co-owner of her house because I provided the down payment and closing costs. There's nobody to send a letter of resignation to.

Of course, I don't know about the OP, but my guess is it's something similar.

To the OP, you probably can't get your brothers to understand. I actually was the target of an identical attack from one of my sisters, accusing me of trying to start drama when I pleaded for help with my mother's issues. That sister is now deceased, but she never really came around to understanding my point of view. Instead, she accused me of "judging her" when I complained about her unwillingness to help. What I learned from this is that people who don't want to hear you won't hear you. They will find some reason to make it your fault and justify ignoring your situation.

I would suggest looking for sources of support outside the family. If your parent has funds, hire caregivers. If you have funds, see a therapist. Check out the availability of public resources in your area. Medicaid, veterans benefits, local nonprofits that provide senior supports. Hospice too if either parent is eligible for it at this point.

I know it seems very unfair that your brothers won't help you or even provide emotional support, and it is very unfair. But trying to make them understand is probably a waste of your time and energy and likely to be an ongoing source of agitation and frustration for you. If your parents have funds and your brothers won't let you spend money for help, that's another matter. Then I would agree with what BarbBrooklyn has said above.

This is what Jeanne Gibbs wrote 7 months ago...

"youngestsis1972, I think that you are right -- you cannot DO anything to change your siblings' behavior. If Mom wants you to be POA now and that is what you want, she can easily make that happen.

Here is what I suggest, for your own peace of mind:
1) Realize that you made a decision to come take care of your parents. Your siblings could vote until the cows come home, wagging their tails behind them, and it would not obligate you at all. You CHOSE to come. Keep that in mind.
2) You are choosing to stay. It is your choice. You can change your mind. Obviously you aren't going to walk out the door and leave her stranded. You would have to make arrangements first. But nothing is holding you there except your own decision.
3) The only decisions you can control are your own. Your sibs have their own relationship to your parents, their own life priorities, and their own right to make decisions. (Your brother was abused -- and you expect him to care for parents now -- what kind of sense does that make?) You may make any judgments you care to about their behavior but you cannot change it. Accept that. You'll be a lot less frustrated to simply face this reality.
4) Once you accept that you are not going to get the help you need from your family, work out other arrangements to get it. No one can remain sane and care for an elder 24/7/365. You NEED breaks. How would you get them if you were an only child? Because in this context, you are!

Let go of the notion that your siblings are going to help you. Face reality. Arrange your life accordingly."

Who has Power of Attorney?

You should NEVER get yourself into a caregiving situation when YOU don't have POA, and the ability to use your parents' resources to help care for them.

However, if you DON"T have power of attorney, you can also set an end date to the caregiving.

Inform POA (in writing, sent certified, return receipt) that you are leaving on August 1st.

Undoubtedly, they will place your parents in a care center where you can visit as a loving daughter instead of being a slave.

Go back to work. Get your life back on track. This was very generous, what you offered to do, but you should never enter a situation like this without a caregiver contract that makes payment, respite and an exit strategy explicit.

Well, you almost answered your own question! Often the words from the doctor can be very powerful. Can you arrange an appointment where the Dr. Tells them you need help? Can your folks afford a nursing asst. for mornings and bedtime prep some of the days?❤️ from a fellow caregiver.