Father is 84, lives alone. Decreased mobility, incontinent and dementia fighting to stay home. I am afraid that he is continuing to decline mentally and physically.
MOST, bordering on practically all elders, do NOT want to lose their independence. And who can blame them really? But it comes to a time when we, their adult children must make that decision for them for safety factors and other issues.
Starting with his doctor is good advice. Often, parents will listen to doctors when they won't listen to their own kids. Checking into home care is also a good idea, though gets way more expensive than a nursing home. Is your Dad a Veteran? If so Check into Veteran's Aid and Attendance benefits which helped my Dad out a lot. Depending on his asssets or lack thereof, it may be a good way to help with funding . I am an only child and had to do it all myself as well. But you are not alone. This website and Council on Aging and A Place For Mom and Veterans Assistance and other organizations are there to help. It's a learning curve, so please know it will be a process. But things will even out eventually. Just don't be afraid to keep asking for help and be firm and focused about it and remember you are doing the best you can. Caring for our elders is love made visible. Above all, take care of yourself first, so that you are able to offer what you can for your loved one.
If he has dementia, incontinence, etc. - he is ready to go to a nursing home, and he doesn't have much say in it. IMO. I was lucky, I took my mother to the nursing home when we got her a bed, with her primary caregiver, said she was going to have a physical (true!). Filled out forms, talked with the people, and saw mom having lunch. Told her she had to stay there for a few days for 'observation'. (true, sort of.) I said I would be back to see how she was (true). I guess I was lucky, she was so far gone in dementia she didn't know where she was (didn't know where she was when she was at home, either).
If Dad can still have a reasonable conversation, maybe the cost of home care 24/7 would make sense to him. It can cost a lot more than nursing home care.
Two addittional points: check into your area's PACE (Program for All-inclusive Care for the Elderly) program, if available. This is a national Medicare/Medicaid program that helps people stay in their home. If he is eligible for Medicaid, there isno cost to him. Otherwise it may be too expensive. The PACE program representative can help explain how it works in your specific situation. Second, if you do end up needing to place your dad in a home, be sure to check out the potential faciliities in the evening on a weekend as this is typically the worst time for staffing. Check odors, how long it takes for staff to answer call bells, how people look (food on faces, appear wet, slumped over in their chairs), and if many staff are outside smoking. If the charge nurse stays behind the nurses station and doesn't respond in a friendly manner to your presence, that's anothe indicator of professionalism and attentiveness. You may also contact your county's area agency on aging and ask how many complaints they receive regarding the candidate facilities. I'm not a fan of the Medicare site, "Nursing Home Compare" as it is too simplistic and based primarily on facility surveys, which are not a reliable indicator of compassion, professionalism and resident feedback. You can get info on staffing here, though, and that is one helpful factor.
My hubby took his mom to the the Doctor. The Doc told her that she had dementia and still she didn't believe him BUT the Doc got her to sign papers. Most dementia patients will listen to others, but not close family. Family to them, is out to get them (in our case) whilst all-the-while FAMILY is just trying to help them cause they love them.
Do you have MPOA and POA? Just because he "wants" to stay at home, if he has dementia he doesn't really act in his own best interests. Get the aid of his doctor, call Adult Protective Services and take it from there.
All the advice here is right on, Aloneinthis. The only thing I can add is for you to go to the website www.aging.gov. Then click state services. You'll see a long list of links.
As you go through the links, you should find a number of local contacts such as your Area Agency on Aging and the National Caregiver Support Services (this may have a different name but should be similar).
Sadly, states vary greatly in how well they support their elders' needs. However, this list will give you a good starting place.
Please let us know how things go when you have a chance, Take care, Carol
Call his Doctor, they can lead you to the right people. there are a lot of forms and evaluations that will need to be done. Begin looking around to find a place you like and that he can afford. he may qualify for nursing home Medicaid. An elder Law Attorney would be a good idea but you could also call your local Elder affairs office. Good Luck.
I would look at the county he lives in to know what kind of agencies assist the elderly. Do it either online, or call the county on the phone, or even look in a phone book. There are probably many leads to follow to start your search.
Are you referring to financial assistance or help locating a facility? Or do you want to convince him to go voluntarily?
I might start with his doctor. His doctor should be aware of what is going on at home. Is he able to hide his condition from his doctor? His doctor may recommend memory care if an evaluation supports it.
I would first make sure that you have his signed Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA in hand. Those documents will help you protect him. If not, is he still competent to sign them? I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney. If he can't sign, you may need to seek guardianship.
I would be very concerned about his safety if he is living alone and is incontinent. He may be open to health conditions and to financial exploitation.
Once his financial records can be examined, you can determine what he can afford and what services he might be entitled to in his state.
As you go through the links, you should find a number of local contacts such as your Area Agency on Aging and the National Caregiver Support Services (this may have a different name but should be similar).
Sadly, states vary greatly in how well they support their elders' needs. However, this list will give you a good starting place.
Please let us know how things go when you have a chance,
Take care,
Carol
Sunnygirl1 covered every aspect of your father's condition and the steps you can take in his best interest. I suggest following this advice.
I might start with his doctor. His doctor should be aware of what is going on at home. Is he able to hide his condition from his doctor? His doctor may recommend memory care if an evaluation supports it.
I would first make sure that you have his signed Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA in hand. Those documents will help you protect him. If not, is he still competent to sign them? I'd consult with an Elder Law attorney. If he can't sign, you may need to seek guardianship.
I would be very concerned about his safety if he is living alone and is incontinent. He may be open to health conditions and to financial exploitation.
Once his financial records can be examined, you can determine what he can afford and what services he might be entitled to in his state.