How do you get a parent with dementia out of the house for an appointment?

Getting a doctor to come to her would be ideal, wouldn't it? Perhaps the Agency on Aging could tell your husband if anything like that is available in your area. As Jessie says, hospice comes to the house, but I don't know if MIL is ready for that.

This is a common problem, and perhaps there are some good ideas out there. Many people have certainly dealt with this.

When my mother lived alone I would sometimes show up to take her to a doctor appointment and find her in pajamas. "I'm just too tired to go," she'd say. "Well, you can be tired at the doctor's office just as well as here. Do you want to wear this red shirt or this white one?" and I'd just bossily get her dressed and out of there. Later she lived with my sister, who was usually able to get her to a doctor, but often had struggles about other places, even places Mother loved, like the beauty shop.

Now Mom is in a nursing home, and she absolutely loves that she can get her hair done every week without leaving the building. Even the few times she has had to go elsewhere for medical care they wheeled her chair right onto the van. She never has to struggle into and out of a car. That can be difficult and apparently disorienting.

Does your father-in-law encourage his wife to go to appointments? Is he a help or a hindrance?

I agree with the need for MIL to be seen by medical professionals. I hope your husband can make that happen for her.

Rosered, since your MIL is having swallowing difficulties, do you think she may be at a stage she would qualify for hospice? If she were on hospice, medical help would come to the house. She wouldn't have to go out to the doctor. Medicare covers hospice. Maybe they would be open to this. They may be able to make your MIL more comfortable.

Rose, you can hope an ER trip becomes necessary then have the evaluation done. Or maybe since swallowing is an issue, could she be coaxed out to see if doc can prescribe something to help?

I have suggested having my MIL evaluated for her eligibility for hospice services, but wouldn't she need to see a doctor first? I agree that having someone come to the house would be great but if they can't get to a doctor at all, I don't know if hospice will be able to be enlisted.

Jessie, excellent suggestion! And many times it just becomes impossible to get them out to do something they would like to do! And go to the doc?! The large majority hate going, feel like it is a waste of money, on and on and on.

My husband is very passive (sometimes passive aggressive), especially when his dad is involved. I think that FIL is a hindrance to getting medical help for my MIL.
I have done a POA for myself and my husband is not my agent. I figured out a long time ago that he is not someone who will make decisions unless he is forced to by someone else. In the case of my MIL, I don't want to push too hard; even my "oh, have you thought about doing this" comments are received as judgmental.

Send your husband a link to this site. Perhaps he'll gain some insight into how to deal with his mother. It does sound like hospice is the appropriate call at this point. Perhaps send him the contact information for a few hospice organizations in his area.

I'm not at all sure that I understand what he means when he says you're being judgmental. Does he think you're suggesting that he's not doing right by her? Ask him how you can help, if not by offering suggestions for how to get her better care.

And get him to a therapist when you can.

Babalou, I especially appreciate your comments. The situation is very frustrating. A few times when I've offered help, as in "How can I help with your parents?" my husband has responded, "Shoot them." I contacted his former therapist, explained how depressed my husband is, and asked the therapist to call him. I contacted the family's priest, who visits once a week, and asked him to keep talking to my husband. I contacted one of my husband's siblings and gave him enough of a nudge that he decided to visit. I've send many, many links about services and information. It's not clear that my husband reads anything I send.

Rosered6, I think it may be time to get your state's Adult Protective Services to step in and help your husband with his parents' situation. His response to your question about helping is especially disturbing, because it is both an implicit threat of violence and a cry for help (even if he was "kidding", that kind of dark humor can be a sign of a very deep depression). It sounds like he's at the end of his rope, and so are you. You can talk to your state's APS line yourself, or ask the family's priest or your husband's former therapist to make the call on your husband's behalf. Since your MIL is in such frail health (swallowing difficulties can be very serious), the case could be made that by not taking your MIL to the doctor, he is neglecting their needs. I truly hope everything works out for you, and for them.

Yes, Rose, it sucks. Your husband seems to have drunk the Koolaid of the narcissistic parents. So, you can only change your behavior. Your move is the next one.