My wife, with late stage dementia, was admitted from the ER to the geriatric psych ward of our local hospital because she was violent in the ER two days ago. I took her to the ER because I thought she might have a UTI but she didn't. I am her caregiver at our home. The social worker has asked me to attend a meeting about my wife at the hospital on Tuesday. What will the meeting be for? What do they want to know? Will they take my wife away from me? Where could they put her? Can they? I have her POA. I have been a good loving caregiver. I think one daughter, a nurse at this hospital, is trying to get custody over my wife for financial gain.
If the daughter is pursuing custody, you would have been served legal papers for a Guardianship hearing. Apparently that has not happened. Bring your POA original paperwork with you and your Health Care Proxy. It helps establish your authority.
As for the meeting, that is very normal since your wife would have been in the hospital for more than 2 days, that means she could be admitted to a rehab facility or another facility to help her get better. That would be good news. Don't fight that decision as that is in your wife's best interest.
Then after a couple weeks in rehab/other facility there will be another meeting to let you know about your wife's progress. If all is good, and your house can be set up to help your wife, she could come home. But if the meeting recommends a higher level of care for your wife, that is something you need to think long and hard about.
Remember this is your first rodeo.... this isn't the Social Worker's, doctor's, therapist, nurses first rodeo. They are the experts. One needs to set aside emotions at the door.
I want you to think about that for a moment. Your dear wife is being taken away from you by dementia. I dont know what other motives your daughter may have, but i strongly, strongly suspect that trying to get her mom into a facility is in no way going to benefit her financially. I have no doubt that you have been a loving caregiver, but if your wife's aggression has gotten frequent and unremitting, there is a very strong possibility that your daughter is simply trying to to lose two parents at once.
One of my aunts tried to keep my uncle's rages and physical violence from everyone. By the time my cousins got their dad placed in memory care and properly medicated, my poor aunt was beyond repair. She died of a massice heart attack about a month after Uncle was placed. He, on the other hand, lived for several more years, happy and content in Memory Care.
You would no longer need to be her full-time caregiver, you can now go back to being her dear and devoted husband. And yes, you can still watch over her, even have meals with her if the place allows that... watch TV with her... go for a walk outside in the court yard, etc.
The psych ward staff and the social worker are not the enemy. The meeting will be to discuss your wife's care plan going forward - don't you *want* to be involved?! They're involving you! It's all good!
Their priority is your wife's welfare. If she is a danger to herself or to other people - especially you - then returning her straight home is not a good idea. But that doesn't mean they want to "take her away from" you. They want her to be safe and well cared for. And if they can help you to carry on doing that at home, they will - apart from anything else it's much the cheapest option, if you want to be cynical about it.
Your daughter may be worried that you are struggling to care for your wife, and that you won't accept help. Well, if your reaction to being invited to a care planning meeting is to assume the worst of everyone and everything, I can see where your daughter might get that idea.
If you accept support from and deal straightforwardly with these people, that's the best way of staying together. Their help can make it possible for you to continue to look after your wife for longer. It's that simple.
- How does she 'go on Medicaid separately'? Do we have to get divorced? Medicaid approval is based on family income and assets.
- I get to 'stay in my house' but Medicaid places a lean against the house so it goes to Medicaid when I die.
I'm wondering if you suspect that someone is going to ask you to transfer assets to your daughter. That would NOT benefit your wife in the Medicaid application process.
I hòpe the social worker is able to clarfy all this for you at the meeting.
Relax, your daughter is probably just trying to help and is just as concerned about you as she is her mom.
If you are a veteran there may be assistance available from them bor both you and your wife.
BREATHE. The social worker meeting is normal procedures. Let the experts help you. Will daughter be at that meeting as well? You both need to work together.
Warren, these are the Pennsylvania regs on NH Medicaid.
Here you will find a very interesting article, on exactly what the Social worker meeting is all about, and especially in regards to the Dementia patient. It looks very favorable towards the caregiver being an intragal part of the care team, and how they are there to help you to help your wife! You will learn a lot from reading this. I hope it gives you some peace of mind.
And let us know what the outcome is; you'll be helping someone who has the same questions down the road.
"What can be done by paperwork, can be undone by more paperwork."
You are the spouse!
If you are unsure, take someone with you as a witness to remember what they say.
Record the meeting with your phone.
That would be obtaining the best council and resources early, and not leaving your wife's fate to a judge. Hoping her condition improves as much as possible while being cared for there.