Follow
Share

I am the youngest of two siblings. I am unmarried and have a brother who is two years older. When Mom fell, I knew I would be moving home to care for her 24/7. I left my job, lost my retirement, moved back across the state and in general have left my former life behind. My Mom and I had the talk many times before that if this time came, she did not want to be a burden and for us toput her in a nursing home. I am not emotionally at a place to do that. I want to do everything I can to care for her as long as I can. In the interim, I have used what I had in retirement and savings to keep from losing my home and while my mortgage is current, I owed some back fees in my homeowners association. I have not been able to leave Mom long enough to even go and get my home in decent enough shape to put up for sale in order to not take a huge hit financially and I had spoken with our property manager about this and they were aware of my Moms health issues and filed a lien on my home and then sued me on top of that. I understand the lien and obviously once I sell my home I will pay those back fees. I just don't understand why they had to add more stress and cost to what I owe them. I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done. All that being said...what do others of you do financially to do this....I have no backup...all of my clothes and belongings are still in my home and I have only what I was able to put in the car and bring Mom home back in December 2011. I am under so much stress I feel that I am about to literally collapse. I find myself getting extremely angry these days. I also fear I am going to lose my home and anything else I have as my mind is so stressed I can't even think straight. Additionally, my car broke down over two months ago and is still in the shop. On top of all that I have not had one night away from here in over six months...Does anyone have any ideas??? HELP!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
This is going to sound a little harsh, but then you are in a very harsh situation. When she was healthier your mother told you to put her in a nursing home rather than to let her be a burden. Why aren't you taking your mother seriously? Why are you insisting on doing this your way, rather than the way she expressly told you she wants? Look at the poll on this site -- only 13% of all respondants said they would want their child to take care of them. Why do you insist on being in the minority?

I know why, I think. You love your mother. You think you are doing the right thing for her. You feel obligated. You feel guilty. But those reasons are all about you. What about your mother? I'll bet she would be absolutely appalled if she were well and could see what you are doing to yourself.

When you see the attorney tomorrow, ask for a referral to a good specialist in elder law. (Insist on a specialist, even if this attorney assures you that he/she can handle it.) With the elder law attorney's guidance, start the process of applying for Medicaid. At least bring in in-home care, under the Elderly Waiver portion of Medicaid. Start looking at long term care facilities. They have changed tremendously in the last generation. Avoid any that are still horrors under the old model, but you will certainly be able to find something suitable. This should be located near where you want to live.

You need to take care of your own life. You need to plan responsibly for your own retirement. Your mother would want that! None of us go into this educated about our options. It is time for you to explore the options that will allow you to be the loving, caring daughter that you are, but with someone else doing at least part of the 24/7 hands-on care.

I'm sorry for being harsh. My heart truly does go out to you, and I know that you are trying to do the right thing. It isn't turning out to be right, and it is time to make serious changes.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

WOW, You have a handful of anxiety. First of all relax and take a deep breath. I know you say relax how can I do that with all I'm going through but you can. When your mom rests you rest. There will always be something to do and it will always be there.....You definitly need some respite help. You have a computer, so look up what you need. I agree with the ladies that wrote before me. Do what you can with what you have. Stay in touch as we are all praying for the very best for you and your mother.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You won't be the first person who reacted emotionally without thinking and tried to save a parent. My first thought is, if there is absolutlely no one who can stay with your mother while you get your house affairs in order, then beg, plead, demand of your and your other mother's relatives for them to take a 3 day or more long weekend and go there and pack up your things, etc for you, assuming you are sure you want to give up your home. what is your mother's housing situation? does she own her home? You will definitely need to make some long term plans regarding your situation and your mother's. Meanwhile you can address you legal issues long distance. Would it be better for you to go into somekind of foreclosure loss mitigation program? you might want to look into this to see if it would alleviate your situation . this is from the alabama state banking dept website:

Foreclosure Assistance

The Alabama Foreclosure Prevention Collaboration, along with the United Way and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, has created a 211 line for mortgage loss mitigation and foreclosure assistance. After August 1, 2008 when a caller dials "211", in most areas of the state, and request assistance regarding loss mitigation or foreclosure issues, the caller will be directed to the nearest HUD approved counseling agency. There are 56 HUD approved counseling agencies throughout the state.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My first instinct is to have someone take care of your mother and go home to get your affairs in order. You will be alive after your mother is gone. In order to prevent her life from changing, you are sacrificing your own future. If she were well, she would probably fuss at you and tell you to go home. There are many options for care, so take advantage of them. Then you can get your own affairs in order before you return.

Good luck getting things done quickly. And try to get your brother involved. Has he had any input on what is happening with your mother and what is going on in your own life?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Was it possible to take your Mom to your house while you packed and got things ready to take back with you to her place? Also, are there companies like Granny Nannies or Visiting Angels that can come a few hourse each day so you can get your own affairs together? How disabed is your mother?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I also think you should take her to your house. Then I think you should let your relatives know how completely worthless they are, especially your brother, in no uncertain terms. Then after you get there, use the respite care. You seem like a giving and selfless person. What you are attempting is very admirable and I wish you the best of luck. P.S. what state do you live in?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I haven't used hospice for my own mother, but when she was caring for my dad when he was ill, she used hospice and they were very inexpensive. He didn't want to go to a hospice facility so hospice agreed they would come to the house. But when Mom and Dad fell one night while she was helping him get to the bathroom, she called hospice and they came in the middle of the night to help him. And then he agreed to go to the facility for a while. Maybe hospice can help you and they do not cost much at all.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is probably a totally crazy idea but perhaps you could run it by your attorney and an independent attorney for your mother. Does she own her home? Could you legally swap homes with her with any difference being paid by you via cargiving duties for her? There would be tons of issues to consider including medicaid ramifications and her mental state and your financial and her financial state so you don't also lose the home she is in now. But just suggesting in trying to think of a way out of your situation since you said you are not behind in your mtg.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Also, why can't you fix up your property and rent it out to get some income and continue to pay the mtg?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

2much2cover...I actually was going to do this but my main issue has been having no time to get my stuff out and get it ready to rent. I have owned my home for so long that my mortgage payment is very low and most of the properties in that neighborhood rent for twice my mortgage, so definitely an option. I spoke with a cousin today is going to come and let me start going down to work on getting my home cleared out and my belongings up here....I am here with literally what I could cram in my car the day I brought Mom home from rehab...:) but yes this is an excellent idea. I appreciate everyone's input as it is very helpful to hear from all different perspectives. I know Mom would not want me to do what I am doing but I have also seen how unhappy she is even when she was in rehab and I am exploring work efforts from home. The meeting with the attorney today was helpful and I think will give me a needed boost to move in a positive direction. I am also going to start asking for more out of other folks in regards to allowing me time to get my affairs in order as well. I have always had a problem admitting I cannot do it all by myself...but I know I am going to need some folks to kick in if I am to get my business affairs handled and go from there....thank you all....I appreciate each and every one of your comments.. :)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter