I am 24/7 caregiver for my 88 yr old Mom. I am about to lose everything. Advice?

2much2cover...I actually was going to do this but my main issue has been having no time to get my stuff out and get it ready to rent. I have owned my home for so long that my mortgage payment is very low and most of the properties in that neighborhood rent for twice my mortgage, so definitely an option. I spoke with a cousin today is going to come and let me start going down to work on getting my home cleared out and my belongings up here....I am here with literally what I could cram in my car the day I brought Mom home from rehab...:) but yes this is an excellent idea. I appreciate everyone's input as it is very helpful to hear from all different perspectives. I know Mom would not want me to do what I am doing but I have also seen how unhappy she is even when she was in rehab and I am exploring work efforts from home. The meeting with the attorney today was helpful and I think will give me a needed boost to move in a positive direction. I am also going to start asking for more out of other folks in regards to allowing me time to get my affairs in order as well. I have always had a problem admitting I cannot do it all by myself...but I know I am going to need some folks to kick in if I am to get my business affairs handled and go from there....thank you all....I appreciate each and every one of your comments.. :)

Also, why can't you fix up your property and rent it out to get some income and continue to pay the mtg?

This is probably a totally crazy idea but perhaps you could run it by your attorney and an independent attorney for your mother. Does she own her home? Could you legally swap homes with her with any difference being paid by you via cargiving duties for her? There would be tons of issues to consider including medicaid ramifications and her mental state and your financial and her financial state so you don't also lose the home she is in now. But just suggesting in trying to think of a way out of your situation since you said you are not behind in your mtg.

WOW, You have a handful of anxiety. First of all relax and take a deep breath. I know you say relax how can I do that with all I'm going through but you can. When your mom rests you rest. There will always be something to do and it will always be there.....You definitly need some respite help. You have a computer, so look up what you need. I agree with the ladies that wrote before me. Do what you can with what you have. Stay in touch as we are all praying for the very best for you and your mother.

You won't be the first person who reacted emotionally without thinking and tried to save a parent. My first thought is, if there is absolutlely no one who can stay with your mother while you get your house affairs in order, then beg, plead, demand of your and your other mother's relatives for them to take a 3 day or more long weekend and go there and pack up your things, etc for you, assuming you are sure you want to give up your home. what is your mother's housing situation? does she own her home? You will definitely need to make some long term plans regarding your situation and your mother's. Meanwhile you can address you legal issues long distance. Would it be better for you to go into somekind of foreclosure loss mitigation program? you might want to look into this to see if it would alleviate your situation . this is from the alabama state banking dept website:

Foreclosure Assistance

The Alabama Foreclosure Prevention Collaboration, along with the United Way and the Department of Housing and Urban Development, has created a 211 line for mortgage loss mitigation and foreclosure assistance. After August 1, 2008 when a caller dials "211", in most areas of the state, and request assistance regarding loss mitigation or foreclosure issues, the caller will be directed to the nearest HUD approved counseling agency. There are 56 HUD approved counseling agencies throughout the state.

This is going to sound a little harsh, but then you are in a very harsh situation. When she was healthier your mother told you to put her in a nursing home rather than to let her be a burden. Why aren't you taking your mother seriously? Why are you insisting on doing this your way, rather than the way she expressly told you she wants? Look at the poll on this site -- only 13% of all respondants said they would want their child to take care of them. Why do you insist on being in the minority?

I know why, I think. You love your mother. You think you are doing the right thing for her. You feel obligated. You feel guilty. But those reasons are all about you. What about your mother? I'll bet she would be absolutely appalled if she were well and could see what you are doing to yourself.

When you see the attorney tomorrow, ask for a referral to a good specialist in elder law. (Insist on a specialist, even if this attorney assures you that he/she can handle it.) With the elder law attorney's guidance, start the process of applying for Medicaid. At least bring in in-home care, under the Elderly Waiver portion of Medicaid. Start looking at long term care facilities. They have changed tremendously in the last generation. Avoid any that are still horrors under the old model, but you will certainly be able to find something suitable. This should be located near where you want to live.

You need to take care of your own life. You need to plan responsibly for your own retirement. Your mother would want that! None of us go into this educated about our options. It is time for you to explore the options that will allow you to be the loving, caring daughter that you are, but with someone else doing at least part of the 24/7 hands-on care.

I'm sorry for being harsh. My heart truly does go out to you, and I know that you are trying to do the right thing. It isn't turning out to be right, and it is time to make serious changes.

Before coming back to her home when she was released from rehab, I pulled my carpet as my petsitter had apparently been doing little more than "sitting" and my townhome had also flooded out a couple of times...so there is only bare flooring, lots of clutter and stairs...none of which are favorable to someone of my Mom's limited physical capacity. I think I made the mistake of believing family members would be there to help let me go home and handle business matters and yet I am seeing that in my situation and apparently almost every other one this is usually the case...it falls on one person....My Mom and I get along gret together, I love her dearly and she seems happy. I do not want the stress of what I am feeling interfere with what time we have together....It helps to just talk to others in my situation...I am in Alabama by the way and while I don't consider myself ignorant by any means, I find that I was totally inept to know what I was facing. I can handle the physical aspect, the cooking, the cleaning, the caring for, but emotionally I am a wreck....I hope it is normal to feel this way...sometimes I think I am losing my mind...since I am not able to afford healthcare personally anymore, I know I have got to keep it together as I can't bear to think of what would happen to Mom if something happened to me....thank you all for your input. I didn't think I would last this long but I have so I guess I can hang in there a while longer. I am praying the attorney tomorrow can guide me regarding my property manager suing me, which to me, is despicable, given the fact they knew they would recover their money when I sold my home and all they did by suing me was just add more expense to me....

I haven't used hospice for my own mother, but when she was caring for my dad when he was ill, she used hospice and they were very inexpensive. He didn't want to go to a hospice facility so hospice agreed they would come to the house. But when Mom and Dad fell one night while she was helping him get to the bathroom, she called hospice and they came in the middle of the night to help him. And then he agreed to go to the facility for a while. Maybe hospice can help you and they do not cost much at all.

I also think you should take her to your house. Then I think you should let your relatives know how completely worthless they are, especially your brother, in no uncertain terms. Then after you get there, use the respite care. You seem like a giving and selfless person. What you are attempting is very admirable and I wish you the best of luck. P.S. what state do you live in?

@ cmcwrinkl1...unfortunately no. Actually, Mom is unable to walk without assistance, although she can use a walker but I must remain alongside of her at all times. She has to be picked up and lifted into her bed and is unable to dress herself. She does feed herself, however will not use her utensils. At times she seems to have a good deal of mental clarity, but the reverts back to being very confused. I have one cousin who can stay with her during daytime hours however she is not physically well off herself and I know that God forbid, Mother start to fall, she would not be able to prevent her. I have had to catch her several times and no one other than myself realizes how difficult it is to care for her. Please do not get me wrong, it is not a burden and I love her, but the stress of my financial situation is causing me a lot of grief and I don't feel I am able to even think clearly. I feel like a complete failure.

Was it possible to take your Mom to your house while you packed and got things ready to take back with you to her place? Also, are there companies like Granny Nannies or Visiting Angels that can come a few hourse each day so you can get your own affairs together? How disabed is your mother?

Thank you JessieBelle. I do agree that I need to go home and get all of my affairs in order, and had I done so before now, I would not be in this mess. My problem is that I have no one who can stay with Mom other than my brother and his time is pretty limited. While Mom has numerous siblings, none even come to visit, let alone offer to stay with her. I have wondered about respite care but am not familiar with what is involved there. I guess long story short....lack of back up is what is going to be my undoing. I know Mom never wanted this for me, and all of her siblings have told me to put her in a "home" that they would all understand. I feel that what they are really saying is put her in a home so they won't have to worry about it as they are afraid I might actually ask them to do something. I have nothing of anyone except one time and when I did I got a royal chewing out from my brother about how I was going through Mom's money, etc. I was so shocked and hurt when they contribute nothing for her care and I have used all of my resources and now face losing my home. Our area does not seem to have the resources for these situations that we had in my former home area....I am scared at how resentful and angry I am getting at my extended family...My brother comes about once a week, is there a couple of hours and that is it.

My first instinct is to have someone take care of your mother and go home to get your affairs in order. You will be alive after your mother is gone. In order to prevent her life from changing, you are sacrificing your own future. If she were well, she would probably fuss at you and tell you to go home. There are many options for care, so take advantage of them. Then you can get your own affairs in order before you return.

Good luck getting things done quickly. And try to get your brother involved. Has he had any input on what is happening with your mother and what is going on in your own life?