She refuse to let me company. No one is welcome male or female everyone is just using me that is what she think by the way I work full time and pay all the bills except one and I plan to get married and she hate him.
I think that it is very common for one sibling to carry the load. My brother is several years younger, and still working. His job was eliminated so he is self employed. Hence, my husband and I wind up doing everything for my Mom. However, she is very defensive when people ask why they don't see him at her ASL facility, even though my sister-in-law has told me privately he does not enjoy talking to her. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing, even though it seems unfair, and can really put your teeth on edge! Our parents did care for us when we were young. I think sometimes being defensive is their way of deflecting the sorrow from the other child's lack of attentiveness.
Gosh if you get some good answers I need to hear them too! I too do EVERYTHING around here, I live with her as does one sister who does almost zero....she may buy eggs or milk at the store but no help with ANYTHING RELATED TO ACTUAL WORK, SUCH AS CLEANING, COOKING ETC.
We got into an argument tonight over her ATTITUDE and lack of help. She gets off work at 2:30 but stays gone to at least 5 so she does not have to do a darn thing!!!! I showed her where the door was and told her she could get out. I am so sick and tired of her feeling so entitled. None of her kids will have anything to do with her because she is a b-----h!
I work by butt off around here and like tonight arguing with my sister my mother takes my sisters side and makes me sound like I am the bad guy. I feel like telling them both to take a long walk off a shore pier!
I liked Inmate 21's and glomorth59's answers. Your Mom may fear losing yor or your attentiveness, if others are around. I have found as my Mom has aged and suffered major health problems, she has become more childlike, focused on herself and temperamental. She herself has described it as dealing with an old wrinkled baby.
The difference between being happy or not happy for me is to talk to people who support you. You are her world and when she isn't happy she will attempt to make you not happy as well. Let it go or let her go.
It doesn't matter what the relationship is, it could be the way a husband treats a wife, but they treat the ones closest to them, awful. Then, others don't see the real problem because of the "showmanship." My husband has an annoying saying that "people treat you, the way you let them." True. But, I don't want to hear it. :)
Oh and as far as getting married is concerned, how have you had enough free time to get to know someone so well that you plan to get married. You are at a bad point in your life dealing with mom, so don't run out and marry the first person who asks you just to get away from mom. You didn't say what his expectations were. Does mom get booted out? She would have to be fearful of that. Good luck.
Agree with you geo123. The favored ones don't help out because they have always gotten preferred treatment themselves so why should they now be required to help out. My 91 year old mom (who can't use the phone anymore) is constantly asking if my older has called to check on her. It upsets her if I tell her that he has not so new plan of attack is just to lie and tell her everyone has called and asked about her, even though they have not because she is so negative and controlling. I need to do this because I get upset that they have not called to see how she is doing so I need to do this for my own sanity. At this point, it is fruitless to point fingers. That horse has already left the barn, as they say. But as I read all of these posts about negative and mean spirited parents and I also talk with my friends and co-workers, it seems that most old women turn negative and nasty. Everyone says this so I really don't think it is specific to one individual. You have to understand that they now realize their life will end shortly, they want to die now (as my mom says but she doesn't have anything wrong that will kill her at the moment), they are in constant pain (can't give them too many pain meds because they will be unstable and fall and they mostly cannot do surgery on someone so old, all of their friends are dead, their vision is poor as is their mental retention, so that they cannot read their beloved books anymore (mom was an avid reader but has dementia from normal pressure hydrocephalus so can't work a recorded book or tablet), the pain from their bad knees makes it very difficult for them to walk any distance, can't work in the yard anymore (seems like all moms love their flowers), they really do understand that you are their only lifeline and that you provide their care when they are the parent and you are the child. They really get this even though they don't articulate it. They hate being in this position biting the hand that feeds them so they are backed into a corner and acting out. One of the things that I do with my mom is that I don't just take her to doctor's appointments, I go in with her since I am her caretaker and know all of the "right" answers and how she is doing so I can hear directly from the doctor and not get the information second-hand. My mom is very comfortable with this and actually feels more assured because I am sitting there with her (even though when we leave, she says the doctor is full of crap). Well, it is a pain in the butt to go in with her to the doctor, but it think it is important. If I could not attend, I would at least set up a conference call with the doctors office so that I could hear what is going on and give my input during her appointments. That's how I am handling this. Peace be with you and stay strong.
Here's my own question and it's rhetorical, so I know there's no answer: Why is it that the child the parent dotes on is the one that doesn't help and the one that's responsible is the one the parent resents and/or hates the people in that child's life?
I don't really have an answer but I kind of think the one the parent dotes on has been doted on, spoiled and never called to account for taking responsibility. The parent might make excuses for that child but secretly wish that child wanted them and resent that that child doesn't want them. AND also resents the responsible one. Secretly, does the parent think that if the responsible one didn't take the work that the other one would eventually rescue them? I don't know.
My parent isn't too bad, right now (but how knows what the future brings, I know). She cries that my brother doesn't want her but tries to remind herself that she's lucky that my husband and I are glad to take her and patient to her. That might not last if she gets senile.
Yep my mom did all those things too now I am seeing a therapist and have ptsd.single and alone and cheated but I had no choice she couldn't walk amputee etc etc it was awful!!!
I took care of my mom for 8 years I was so scared overwhelmed but it wasn't her fault.she became septic had so many surgeries. I miss her so so so much I know how it is when your in it.buti was the only girl not married.but I truly loved my mom she was my best friend I would do it all over again.it was the hardest thing I had to do but make sure u get a break ask siblings everyone should help and I did that but two of my siblings didn't it made me so sad and mom too.take it one day @ a time I wish I had this site before.i love to help out anyone I can.bless bless.
My mother is the same with my friends. She always has something cryptic and sarcastic to say to them or she will but into our conversations and say something really awkward. She also believes that my friends are "using" me.
Your mother is afraid that you getting married will take attention and time you have cared for her away and that you will focus all of your time on your new husband. She sounds like she feels threatened and and afraid she will be alone and maybe have to go to a nursing home? Unless you plan to take care of her after you are married. God Bless you and I hope you find a solution to your situation. Mom sounds jealous of any relationship you have and that is not a good place for you to be at.
Ditto here. My 91 year old mom is negative and nasty pretty much about everything and everyone. My husband and I totally ignore the comments and don't mention them at all. She's insulted the rest of the family over the phone so no one calls or comes to see her, and then she complains about that. She was never negative or nasty when she was younger. Complains every time I start clipping coupons to save money (this coming from a person who put vinegar in the catsup bottle to get out that last bit). I bring her flowers for Valentines Day and she looks at me and says, "I need that like I need a hole in my head" and as all of you know, it goes on and on. I did ask her why she makes such negative comments about me and my husband who take care of her, and she actually said, "I just can't seem to help myself. I don't know why I say such things." I could tell by the look on her face that this is probably true. A few hours later, she doesn't even remember what she said. My advise is to ignore her and try and find a way to let these comments go in one ear and out the other. I know it's difficult but you need to keep your sanity.
I think that you should move on, too. It is time to realize that your mom truly doesn't want you there. So, feel free to be happy and live your life. She has lived hers.
The last two years of my Mom's life were very difficult for me and sound so similar to what you wrote. The thing is that her little comments were here and there... I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until over time, it just became overwhelming.
Fortunately, I have a loving man in my life who lost his mom at age 9. He was so encouraging to me to spend as much time as possible with my mom and he would laugh with me at the outrageous nasty things she did. She was mostly always negative and nasty about him too.
Now she's gone and when I saw your post, you reminded me of the reality of caring for my own mom. My blessings go out to you. It's a huge challenge. Keep people around you who are supportive, understand and help. Take care of yourself. Take time for you!
Just want you to know... I can relate. At the end of time you will have the kindnesses you shared with her and the good people around you.
Now I'm going to go practice being positive too, so I won't be that way to my kids. It's a challenge because they keep pointing out to me how I'm not so positive myself.
I'm shocked... but I think they may be right. It's so easy to be crabby sometimes.
I agree with the person who said to get married anyway and live your life to the fullest! Do this. Please. You deserve it. And shame on your mom for trying to keep you back from a happy and fulfilling life. She sounds like a narcissist. Don't let her win. I'll pray for you:)
I know how you feel. My Mother never wanted me she only wanted my younger siblings. As a matter of fact she has told me several times " isn't this a funny thing the ones I wanted don't want me. But the one I didn't want is taking care of me." The only thing you can do is take control of your own life and be the one to take charge if you are her only means of physical support be it medical of monetary she needs to understand that you are no longer a child of under 18 and she has to appreciate the things you do for her and your life is just as important as hers. You do not owe her anything! You are taking care of her out of the kindness of your heart and doing this has made you the way I was. Your heart is not there for the breaking.
The other day I was pushing my mother around the grocery store and she started ranting about how useless my husband is. After my efforts to get her talking about something else failed, I finally just wheeled her toward the door and told her we would wait in the car till my husband and son finished their shopping... and by the way, put back those peanuts because I know you didn't bring your purse with you. You know, come to think of it, she hasn't had a bad word to say about my husband since then. :o) I've found that if you quit listening to the negative and don't argue, my mother can be pleasant to have around. If I get defensive she just argues more. If I leave when she starts and come back later we can have a better conversation about something else. Maybe that will work for you. Also, when she starts talking bad about my husband (who is really good to her!), I remind her that he is my husband and I love him and I am not kicking him out, nor am I leaving him, so we will all just have to get along because this is how it is. I also remind her that I love her and am not kicking her out either. We're all in this together. That is, till I have enough and run off to Mexico with the pool boy. Have to get a pool first, though.
Unfortunately, there's one more thing to give up and that is any expectation of being appreciated. Has your mother always been unpleasant? If not, perhaps her doctor could prescribe something to take the edge off her nastiness. Otherwise, get away from her and leave her to people who know how to handle her behavior without getting emotionally involved. Good luck and God bless.
Your mom is trying to control you and doesn't want anyone else in the picture, because that lessens HER control. Stand your ground now and set good boundaries with your mom, or you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain.
Marry him if he's a good choice, but not if he's just a choice to get away from mom. What will you do when you get married? I hope she's not going to live with you, if she hates your new husband. That's a recipe for one bad environment.
How in the world did you find the time to date anyone to marry? Good for you and she is being so selfish that you need to get away from her. Hopefully you intended husband-to-be can improve your situation. Congratulations and wish your mother well, but get away from her toxic personality!
Please do get married. I am in the same boat and learned that whether I do what she wants or don't do what she wants she doesn't approve, is critical and nasty...so you might as well help to ease your own burden by trying to keep those close to you who matter and who support you. Sending warmth and hugs...I am desperate for some of that myself today
We got into an argument tonight over her ATTITUDE and lack of help. She gets off work at 2:30 but stays gone to at least 5 so she does not have to do a darn thing!!!! I showed her where the door was and told her she could get out. I am so sick and tired of her feeling so entitled. None of her kids will have anything to do with her because she is a b-----h!
I work by butt off around here and like tonight arguing with my sister my mother takes my sisters side and makes me sound like I am the bad guy. I feel like telling them both to take a long walk off a shore pier!
Why is it that the child the parent dotes on is the one that doesn't help and the one that's responsible is the one the parent resents and/or hates the people in that child's life?
I don't really have an answer but I kind of think the one the parent dotes on has been doted on, spoiled and never called to account for taking responsibility. The parent might make excuses for that child but secretly wish that child wanted them and resent that that child doesn't want them. AND also resents the responsible one. Secretly, does the parent think that if the responsible one didn't take the work that the other one would eventually rescue them? I don't know.
My parent isn't too bad, right now (but how knows what the future brings, I know). She cries that my brother doesn't want her but tries to remind herself that she's lucky that my husband and I are glad to take her and patient to her. That might not last if she gets senile.
Fortunately, I have a loving man in my life who lost his mom at age 9. He was so encouraging to me to spend as much time as possible with my mom and he would laugh with me at the outrageous nasty things she did. She was mostly always negative and nasty about him too.
Now she's gone and when I saw your post, you reminded me of the reality of caring for my own mom. My blessings go out to you. It's a huge challenge. Keep people around you who are supportive, understand and help. Take care of yourself. Take time for you!
Just want you to know... I can relate. At the end of time you will have the kindnesses you shared with her and the good people around you.
Now I'm going to go practice being positive too, so I won't be that way to my kids. It's a challenge because they keep pointing out to me how I'm not so positive myself.
I'm shocked... but I think they may be right. It's so easy to be crabby sometimes.
I've found that if you quit listening to the negative and don't argue, my mother can be pleasant to have around. If I get defensive she just argues more. If I leave when she starts and come back later we can have a better conversation about something else.
Maybe that will work for you. Also, when she starts talking bad about my husband (who is really good to her!), I remind her that he is my husband and I love him and I am not kicking him out, nor am I leaving him, so we will all just have to get along because this is how it is. I also remind her that I love her and am not kicking her out either. We're all in this together. That is, till I have enough and run off to Mexico with the pool boy. Have to get a pool first, though.
Marry him if he's a good choice, but not if he's just a choice to get away from mom. What will you do when you get married? I hope she's not going to live with you, if she hates your new husband. That's a recipe for one bad environment.