I'm having trouble with my mother...
I love my mom very much, but I don't really like her. If she really saw me for me, I know she would feel the same way. I think when she thinks of me, she assumes I'm a mirror of her. We have nothing in common, I try but she does not. I do 95% of the visiting and contact. She talks about herself 90% of the time. We live pretty far from each other. She is still young enough to visit and she can afford to do so. She has no interest. This is how its always been. She has been talking about me taking care of her for 20 years....since I was in college. I'm worn out already- and I have not even started yet! She has brought up her will and her care in almost every conversation we have had in the past 20 years.
She told me last winter that I should have started working earlier so I could retire and take care of her at 50 or so. I can't retire that early, nor do I want too! We have had a rough relationship since I was young. I'm in therapy trying to move forward. I have asked her several times to go also, she goes 2-3 times and stops. She has had a few awful things happen to her and she needs to go. This has affected her entire life. I doubt she will ever return. She says she does not need help, but she makes everyone around her miserable. She can be very unpleasant to be around. She has very strong beliefs about religion and politics. I'm not one to fight about those but she is. She told my husband that his father probably went to hell because he was Catholic. Or he found salvation on his deathbed. This is one of many things she has said that I find distasteful. I could make a list of stuff she has done.
I can't deal with her full time. I would not be healthy in body or mind. My marriage would suffer. I just cant! I have a feeling things will become worse over time. And she expects me to move to her 1000 miles away! I have been very clear that we would not move to her. I have also told her that when she is very ill that she could move in with us. She says she will never move in with us. It's my mom I would care for her, but I'm unwilling to turn my life upside down for her.....am I wrong? My brother passed away. So, its just me! Her house is paid for (although she has taken some money out) and she has money coming in each month. I just want to do what is right but I don't want to be miserable. I want her to be well taken care of.... Help!
I will look into places where she lives. That is a great idea. That way I can be prepared. She has thought this whole that she would be able to work me to do what she wanted with guilt.
Like you, I didn’t have that great a relationship with her. She was very jealous of me. I would not have been someone who could have held her hand and massaged her shoulders. I made sure she was in a great facility, took care of her affairs and visited as long as often as I could.
I was able to say no to my mom. I still told her I loved her, visited, bought her what she needed...but she had to go to a facility. Her efforts to guilt me into letting her live with us fell on deaf ears.
You need to do what you feel is right. but when there are issues going into the arrangement, they don’t disappear or resolve themselves. Just be aware of that before you make any lasting commitment especially if the commitment is made out of feelings of obligation and guilt.
I'm glad you're in therapy. It will give you the tools to deal with your mother.
Luckily, you have a 1,000 mile border between you and your mom. Distance can be good.
You said that if/when the time comes, she can move to where you are and you will care for her in your home. But, you say, you are unwilling to turn your life upside down. That's exactly what would happen if she moved in with you. You will be turning your life upside down and it will stay that way until you place her in a facility or until she passes away. As you said, you know she's only going to get worse and that's true. Unchecked personality/mental/emotional problems do get worse with age if they're not being dealt with.
My suggestion is to take this time you have while she's 1,000 miles away and figure out an alternative so she doesn't show up on your doorstep one day, suitcases in hand. She seems open to discussing you taking care of her. Inquire about her financials. Where does she stand? Try to get an idea of what options you may have when she starts pushing to live with you.
And while I understand she's your mother and you want to show her respect, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. She can't force you to take her in. I'm thinking she has to be at least 65 years old so now is the time to come up with some basic plans for when she gets to a point where she can't live by herself. Assisted living? Nursing home? In-home care? Gather some information and do some research so you won't be on the spot when some hospital calls you and tells you to come get your mother.