As previously posted DH flipped it big time when he went into respite care and ended up in the Acute Observation Ward of a major hospital. From there he went to a totally lockable mental health ward within the same hospital

His older brother came to see for himself and saw that DH cannot live in his own home any more and requires 24/7 care.

So now we are all on the same page except for DH who will not accept that he is going anywhere but back home. The doctors agree that the best way forward is for DH to enter permanent care. He will have his own room set up with his things. Family will visit and he will be able to be taken out and eventually stay over with me and then return to NH. There will be a mental health team who will be with him every day of the week etc until he is properly settled

However he is not cooperating at all. He is bossy and single minded. He steals staff phones and calls constantly. He has now filed for a tribunal hearing because he is protesting being held against his will, but if he is successful he has to have somewhere to go and he thinks he will go live with his 91 yo mother.

I have decided to take a harder line with him. Told him I will not answer any more calls from him, will only visit to pick up his washing then go and the same with his son. There will be no more visits with doughnuts, pizza, fish and chips, cakes or sweets and he will stay where he is until he agrees to his care plan. Can’t think of anything else to do.

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Yes. Some. It’s very hard to break the ingrained responses of years of marriage. Mostly bored because he kept me hopping for four decades. I have to get used to just being in the space. Also my son and me have 3 & 4 year olds every second week
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Panda, he's not likely to succeed at the tribunal by this stage, is he?

I can't help thinking that you're on a bit of a hiding to nothing trying to gain his agreement. Surely the point is that he's long past being able to comprehend and agree?

If so, I shouldn't make your contact with or your care for him dependent on his compliance at all. Do what you think is good for him and manageable for you, only do it regardless of his behaviour. Carrots and sticks alike become meaningless with a person who isn't capable of rational thought processes.

What are you doing with yourself when you're not visiting him or liaising with others about his care? Are you getting any down time at all?
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My mid-80's FIL has FTD, and I can say that this 'rage stage' will most likely only get worse. Up until a few months ago was maintaining his rage stage at a high level. I concur that you should not take him out of the facility. Even for a meal.

A few of the worst things he did when we took him out were:
1. Exited the car on a busy multi-lane road and started walking in traffic because he didn't want to go back to the facility
2. Grabbed the wheel of the car TWICE and tried to turn it the opposite way while my husband was driving--he could have killed my husband and himself!!! He also, during that drive, tried to shift the car into reverse while my husband was driving. This was because he wanted to go to the bank and withdraw money to leave the country.

Anosognosia is very common among bv-FTD patients. This contributes to their anger, as they just cannot understand why people won't let them do what they want. They have absolutely no conception of their disease. No matter how much they have changed, and how dependent upon others they are, they just do not recognize they are different than they were 20 or 30 years ago.
Helpful Answer (4)
Ahmijoy Aug 2019
I completely agree. It’s difficult enough to place someone in a facility. Once the deed is accomplished, if the person has mental concerns as OP says her husband does, he should not be brought out of the facility. The issues they are facing now with him mightily protesting his placement will start all over again each time they bring him out. Sometimes, I know it’s a guilt thing. The family tells themselves it’s ok because they will be bringing Dad out in a few weeks to visit the home and the family he misses so much. But, in many cases, Dad will become agitated and anxious and not want to return. This will repeat each time they bring him out.
"Family will visit and he will be able to be taken out and eventually stay over with me and then return to NH. "

If you take him home for a visit you won't be able to get him back to the NH. You must consider this is a possibility. My stepFIL did the same thing to my MIL. So sorry for this painful drama. Peace to you.
Helpful Answer (6)
PandabearAUS Aug 2019
Well being able to go out is probably a carrot being dangled but at least we might get him to agree to moving into a nursing home with his own room and personal belongings around him. He can’t stay in place he is now nor can he live at home any more. He turned 64 last week
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