I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. 20 hour a day caregiving will totally burn you out in a very short amount of time.
I'm not sure what you mean by too stable to go into a nursing home? I would think that a person needing 20 hours a day of care is a perfect candidate for a nursing home! Please, start calling local homes NOW. You can't keep up this pace.
Until you can get her placed somewhere, please hire someone from a home health services company to come over and spend a few hours a day with her so you can take care of yourself. Get out of the house. Get in the fresh air and sunshine. Take a walk. Take a nap. Have lunch with a friend. You deserve some time for YOU.
You must hire some outside help to assist you or place her in the appropriate facility, as you cannot continue on with the way things are now. The fact that you say that you "can't leave her" tells me that the thought has actually crossed your mind to leave her. Do you not love her any more, or is it just that caring for her has just gotten to be too much? Whichever way you answer that, the most important thing here is that you are taking care of yourself, and doing what is in the best interest of your wife, and yourself. You and your daughter need to work together in finding the right solutions for your wife's care. Be up front and honest with her, and tell her what you told us, that you just go on caring for your wife, her mom anymore. Together you can make decisions that will not only help your wife, but will help you as well. I'm sorry you are under such duress, but there are answers for you out there. You just have to be willing to take those first steps. I wish you the best in this tough situation.
I just put my dad in assisted living (not memory care). He has dementia but it has not been determined as Alzheimers and it seems to be pretty stable and not getting worse. Physically, though, he needs help with showers and some help getting around. He has been in assisted living for only a few days and he loves it! I watch on the camera and people are coming and going and checking on him all day long. Down the hall there is a couple living in a two bedroom. He was in a one bedroom because of his issues and the wife decided to join him after she saw all the other abled body seniors doing fun activities. They are very happy in their two bedroom. She still drives etc.. but she now has built-in activities and friends and can be with him full time. And, for the second person in a room, the cost isn't really that much... basically, it's food, utilities, and a smaller amount of rent because they know they won't have to provide as much care for the person who is there who needs help.
Have you ever considered that your wife doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially you?
If I were in the position of causing my husband to care for me 20 hours of the day, I would rather that my husband make arrangements for an assisted living facility or nursing home.
You can still be a part of her life. You can advocate for her well-being.
I'm confused as to WHY your daughter would even be involved if you needed to move your wife to a memory care facility? If my DH ever had to do that for me, not one of our kids would 'fight him' on it, nor would they want me to come live with them
If you are 'hands on' caregiving for 20 hrs a day, then your wife is NOT ok to be living alone with you, w/o help.
You can hire aides, so minimally, you get some kind of break. Or you can move your wife to a MC facility, where they are much more used to/capable of giving care.
You really don't want to become one of the statistics that says that a large percentage of CG's die BEFORE the person for whom they are caring.
Let your daughter help you find a memory care place for your wife. She'll do much better in memory care than assisted living, and you'll be freed up to just love her rather than be burdened by her.
"Nursing homes" aren't only for "nursing" anymore. They're communities with wonderful people to help your loved one, and they can take people who are perfectly healthy to people who need help with everything from bathing, toileting, eating, taking medications, and everything else.
Please don't try to do it all alone. Your daughter can help and should be allowed to.
Also use the Alzheimer's website as a resource -- alz.com
You desperately need some in home help. Contact her primary care doctor and ask for a social worker. They will know what is available in your area and help you find a caregiver.
You could call your health insurance company to see if they cover any caregiver hours per week. My friend's insurance offered this service for up to 35 hours per week but had to be a caregiver from an agency. I would hire a friend or caregiver to help you, plus the companionship from another person would be nice your wife. Can also call your local Office on Aging to see how they can help you and your wife (look online for the number in your county).
Anyone can go to assisted living if they can afford it. Many people sell their homes and move in to this type of living community when they no longer feel safe living alone or just don't care to manage a home any longer.
When you say your wife is stable, does that mean that she has not been declared incompetent?
I know that every state is different but I have seen on this forum there are at least several states (including mine- Florida) that require a JUDGE to declare incompetence in order to move a person against their wishes, even if the person has a legit diagnosis of dementia. The person with dementia is assigned their own lawyer. Therapeutic fibs would be illegal here!
So, it's not always possible to just place someone into care who doesn't want to go.
If OP comes back I hope he will provide more specifics. He might benefit from some care tips now, IF placement can not legally happen at this time.
I'm sorry OP, dementia really sucks. I want to tell you though I really give you credit for thinking of your daughter and her life. I hope your circumstances are such that you can arrange a good care facility for your wife. You matter too and you deserve to live your life.
I'm not a lawyer and know nothing about FL, but is that just someone's interpretation? I ask because I know that everyone, including those with dementia, have rights and can't be "forced" to do anything they refuse to do, including move, but...
We tried the in-home help. She refused to let them in. We tried asking about moving, to bros or AL. Nope. The EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move. Well of course not, you're not going to take your mother or other LO kicking and screaming! So, he tells me we have to go guardianship, aka court, judge, more lawyers, etc. Money and time to get that all done! The facility chosen for her would NOT accept a committal. So no court. The facility told me "just get her here, we'll take it from there."
NOTE: we did NOT have any formal testing done and no doctor ever "declared" her incompetent. She wasn't competent, but we didn't need that to make the move happen. We had to come up with a plausible fib so that she would go, grumbling, unhappy, but she went.
Again, I'm NOT a lawyer. If someone with dementia still has the wherewithal to dispute anything you say and still refuse to go, it may be the only way to get it done, but I would question whether guardianship is "always" needed, no matter what state. The lawyer is more likely to say it is needed, because that's some nice chunk of change for him and another attorney! There must be a place one can confirm this, outside of an attorney, who might bend the law a bit (note, this same atty told me to deposit the checks for mom in her acct and not tell the bank she is deceased! WRONG! I've opened an e-file with the courts to process the checks.)
Don't be too proud or reluctant to ask for help. Caregiving is a full time job and my heart goes out to you. You mention your wife is too stable to be put in a facility, I'm assuming she doesnt qualify for skilled nursing care like a nursing home. You need help - even if its for a few hours during the day, so please check in with your church or super market bulletin board, or research local aide services and interview someone who can give you some respite and renew your spirit. I understand you don't want to involve your daughter in her care, but I think she will be willing to help you with the task of finding suitable part time help for your wife. Take it one day at a time and remember the journey beings with a single step - you can do this! Also, I must say this site has been a wonderful way to vent, find comfort, and to obtain a wealth of useful information. Welcome and good luck!
You can't leave her? You need to find memory care for her. That is not leaving her it is getting her the care she needs. Then you can visit as a husband, when you are ready and want to. Finding the care she needs is the most loving and responsible thing you can do.
She is not too stable if she has Alzheimers. Your understandable mental state is hurting 2 lives. If you could ideally place your wife in a facility she might come to accept it. It sounds as though she would be suitable for Memory Care. If you visited you might feel less hostile as your burden could lighten. Otherwise perhaps you could look into some help at home.
If you come to this site and state you hate every day of your life people will take that seriously and tell you that the situation needs to change. It is a difficult choice but in time might improve. We have not been made aware of your financial situation regarding this. I think you have received strong responses from posters who have become well known and respected for their advice. I am a novice compared to most of them. I hope you can consider some choices that have been suggested for your very difficult situation.
Her stability has nothing to do with it-it's the amount of care that she needs throughout the day. Even small repetitive things add up when you have to constantly do them. If her need for care has reached a point where it is overwhelming you or will ruin your daughter's life too, then it's time for some assistance or assisted living.
I just read your profile. You say that your wife has Alzheimer’s disease and that you are her caregiver for 20 hours a day.
You say that you are exhausted but you don’t want your daughter to care for her.
You claim that your wife is too stable for a nursing home or assisted living.
I don’t understand your feelings.
Please speak to a social worker to explain to you about the purpose of an assisted living facility or a nursing home.
Leave your daughter out of the equation. This is your responsibility to find the appropriate care for your wife and rest for yourself. You can’t continue to run on fumes.
If you hate every day of your life, then, I am sorry, but your wife needs to go into care.Truly, I am so sorry. You need to have an honest sit down with your daughter now. This is not her decision, it is yours.
I'm not sure what you mean by too stable to go into a nursing home? I would think that a person needing 20 hours a day of care is a perfect candidate for a nursing home! Please, start calling local homes NOW. You can't keep up this pace.
Until you can get her placed somewhere, please hire someone from a home health services company to come over and spend a few hours a day with her so you can take care of yourself. Get out of the house. Get in the fresh air and sunshine. Take a walk. Take a nap. Have lunch with a friend. You deserve some time for YOU.
Good luck.
If I were in the position of causing my husband to care for me 20 hours of the day, I would rather that my husband make arrangements for an assisted living facility or nursing home.
You can still be a part of her life. You can advocate for her well-being.
If you are 'hands on' caregiving for 20 hrs a day, then your wife is NOT ok to be living alone with you, w/o help.
You can hire aides, so minimally, you get some kind of break. Or you can move your wife to a MC facility, where they are much more used to/capable of giving care.
You really don't want to become one of the statistics that says that a large percentage of CG's die BEFORE the person for whom they are caring.
Good Luck to you--
"Nursing homes" aren't only for "nursing" anymore. They're communities with wonderful people to help your loved one, and they can take people who are perfectly healthy to people who need help with everything from bathing, toileting, eating, taking medications, and everything else.
Please don't try to do it all alone. Your daughter can help and should be allowed to.
Also use the Alzheimer's website as a resource -- alz.com
I would hire a friend or caregiver to help you, plus the companionship from another person would be nice your wife.
Can also call your local Office on Aging to see how they can help you and your wife (look online for the number in your county).
I know that every state is different but I have seen on this forum there are at least several states (including mine- Florida) that require a JUDGE to declare incompetence in order to move a person against their wishes, even if the person has a legit diagnosis of dementia. The person with dementia is assigned their own lawyer. Therapeutic fibs would be illegal here!
So, it's not always possible to just place someone into care who doesn't want to go.
If OP comes back I hope he will provide more specifics. He might benefit from some care tips now, IF placement can not legally happen at this time.
I'm sorry OP, dementia really sucks. I want to tell you though I really give you credit for thinking of your daughter and her life. I hope your circumstances are such that you can arrange a good care facility for your wife. You matter too and you deserve to live your life.
We tried the in-home help. She refused to let them in.
We tried asking about moving, to bros or AL. Nope.
The EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move. Well of course not, you're not going to take your mother or other LO kicking and screaming!
So, he tells me we have to go guardianship, aka court, judge, more lawyers, etc. Money and time to get that all done!
The facility chosen for her would NOT accept a committal. So no court.
The facility told me "just get her here, we'll take it from there."
NOTE: we did NOT have any formal testing done and no doctor ever "declared" her incompetent. She wasn't competent, but we didn't need that to make the move happen. We had to come up with a plausible fib so that she would go, grumbling, unhappy, but she went.
Again, I'm NOT a lawyer. If someone with dementia still has the wherewithal to dispute anything you say and still refuse to go, it may be the only way to get it done, but I would question whether guardianship is "always" needed, no matter what state. The lawyer is more likely to say it is needed, because that's some nice chunk of change for him and another attorney! There must be a place one can confirm this, outside of an attorney, who might bend the law a bit (note, this same atty told me to deposit the checks for mom in her acct and not tell the bank she is deceased! WRONG! I've opened an e-file with the courts to process the checks.)
Also, I must say this site has been a wonderful way to vent, find comfort, and to obtain a wealth of useful information. Welcome and good luck!
If you come to this site and state you hate every day of your life people will take that seriously and tell you that the situation needs to change. It is a difficult choice but in time might improve. We have not been made aware of your financial situation regarding this. I think you have received strong responses from posters who have become well known and respected for their advice. I am a novice compared to most of them. I hope you can consider some choices that have been suggested for your very difficult situation.
You say that you are exhausted but you don’t want your daughter to care for her.
You claim that your wife is too stable for a nursing home or assisted living.
I don’t understand your feelings.
Please speak to a social worker to explain to you about the purpose of an assisted living facility or a nursing home.
Leave your daughter out of the equation. This is your responsibility to find the appropriate care for your wife and rest for yourself. You can’t continue to run on fumes.
I wish you all the best.