Hello. After reading your concern,you have already stated what you need, Answer,HELP ASAP...... and this is okay.
First step, now take action before you decline physically. And it might happen suddenly upon you. Then who will care for your wife,
Start immediately a plan. Call Government agencies in your state. Most state office can be a great reference, helping you. Definitely will direct you to other resources.
Please don’t go into denial, caretaking is a hard, and very emotionally journey. You need your health and strength to make it. I am on the journey up and down with my BF.
Bested of health to you and your wife! Stay with this web site it will be a excellent resource of positivity!
Fight the good fight of “Faith” try meditation ,pray to a higher source,God....
k5866752 - Any thoughts? Answers for some of the questions we have posed?
You DO have options which don't have to be you leaving or your daughter taking on this role. Knowing you can't do this care, you need to explore any/all options. Your daughter's help would be advisable. Two people searching, asking, exploring and understanding is better than one.
Getting some help caring for your wife for you while you explore the options is important. You can't function on 4 hours of sleep. Either find an agency to hire aides or find an AL/MC that can take her for respite, a week or two. Find EC atty to help with what options you have and to protect your assets. Those who are not informed think they have to pay for all the care and will end up broke and homeless - there ARE other options.
Let us know how you are doing and what plans you have made to move forward.
Imho, it may not fall all on your shoulders. Family discussion is required. I have firsthand knowledge of this with a sister in law who is 4 years into an illness, now can't walk nor eat and the family "has had a hard time talking to the doctor." Do NOT wait to come up with a plan.
You need a total family discussion with wife, you, child, and other family members if possible... do not leave anyone out of this... get all the help you need from family, insurance, doctor, social services, medicare, scan.. life insurance. etc
if you look and ask social services, SCAN. MEDICARE, insurance, etc... this may not completely fall into your kid's lap,,, but have you had a serious talk with your daughter? What does she think or feel? Ask her for some help... you helped raised her,,, she should be willing to help out..at least get her opinion... do not leave her out of the looop
I got tired just thinking about 20 hours of caregiving. So sorry for what you are going through. As a Certified Assisted Living Administrator, I can assure you, as have many people on the forum have already done, your wife does NOT have to be physically disabled to move into a Memory Care unit of an assisted living. Lots of people are perfectly healthy and active.......... they just don't want to worry about replacing the roof, mowing the lawn or fixing dinner. You didn't indicate your financial resources, but if you are able to afford it, you might want to research CCRCs (Continuing Care Retirement Communities). These are health care continuum campuses where you can move through any number of health stages as you age because they encapsulate all major living options (independent living, assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing and long term care). The drawback for many of us is the fact that most require a hefty entry fee (depending on the facility, this can be anywhere from 100k -250k) as well as the monthly rental fees. In many instances, a husband/wife is in independent living while the spouse needs more or specialized care moves into the assisted living. They can still have lunch or go to the in facility movies together. If your daughter is active part of your lives, tell her your thoughts as she may wish to be involved in helping your select a campus. I would suggest that you select a campus that is run by an organization that has been in the field for some time and that has a very sound financial status. Also question (and get the answer in writing) what happens if a resident runs our of money after two or three years. Do they have a foundation that will continue to make payments so that you can continue to live there if your private funds are depleted?
If the entrance fee requirement is not to your funding, Assisted Livings (AL) often have MC care units for those who require a little more specialized activities and help. Your wife might do well in one of those and when you visit you could be a loving caring husband instead of overworked, tired person who hates his life. In searching for an AL I would still ask the above question about financial stability. Remember that Medicaid beds in ALs are few and far between. Also keep in mind that if your wife's medical needs ever becoming more than an AL can handle, she might be required to move to a skilled nursing facility.
I wish you luck and peace on this difficult journey
You seem to be a bit knowledgeable about CCRCs, perhaps you can explain what they do with that "entrance fee?"
My mother used to often go to the free tours and luncheon these places in her area would hold. A few times she mentioned moving to AL, when she felt the time was right. Unfortunately dementia came along first, and any attempt to just ask questions or discuss AL was met with derision. She would NEVER set foot in THOSE places!
We did try the aide in-home, only 1 hr/day with plan to increase as needed. She was only in the early stages and didn't really need "help." We never got past that - less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. So Plan B was to find a MC place. I focused on those in my area, knowing full well that I would be the one visiting, managing, ordering, delivering, etc. There were 3 in the next town. One was CCRC, but I never even inquired there - that "fee" was a gate.
That said, the place chosen was newly rebuilt and had IL, AL and MC, so one could transition to other levels of care, just like these CCRCs talk about. It was a non-profit and was less expensive with a better room/setup than another place my YB found (3 years after the move, the monthly fee had finally passed the original cost at that other place, and mom had a private room, where the other was 2 br with shared bath - THAT would never fly!)
Mom moved right to MC, no IL or AL. She lived there almost 4 years and I can't say enough good things about it!
They also had a foundation/legacy to assist those who outlive their funds. After mom had a stroke around Labor Day, the nurse informed me that mom would NOT have to move to a NH. She could stay to the end. That lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I should think only someone who required specialized nursing care would need to move, as they really don't provide that kind of care in MC, but some places won't keep residents who are declining rapidly.
Anyway, I have been curious what that "fee" is used for, since the resident is still required to pay a monthly fee to live there. The only "fee" we had to pay was no where near that amount (depending on the fees you suggested, 2-5% of those!), and was used for assessment and admin stuff. Even that seemed a bit much, but it wasn't $250K!
I will also say that I've been VERY pleased with this place, the staff and the care provided. I've already told my kids that if I ever need a care facility, this is where I want to go! Another good point - they did an EXCELLENT job keeping the virus out. To date only 2 staff members tested positive, the first was not until October. Not one resident in the entire complex was ever infected. The other facilities nearby DID have infections and several deaths.
To begin with, your attitude is what is ruining your life, not your situation. You have to use the "make lemonade" approach. You obviously care for your daughter so you are a compassionate person..., otherwise you would have just left, years ago! I speak with authority because I am nearly in your exact same situation. I am 81 and my wife is 83. She has Alzheimers and several other infirmities that require my daily attention, but she can still mostly care for herself and she can communicate well except her memory keeps worsening. My advice is make a life for yourself utilizing your computer, phone, hobbies or anything you can. I have felt sorry for myself often, and then I think...so many people have it so much worse... so just enjoy your lemonade..(with a dash of vodka if it helps) :-)
Clearly there are some similarities, but the OP has not provided a lot of detail, so it is a bit presumptuous to say your situations are almost exactly the same.
You also don't know this man or what he has to do to care for his wife or even how long he has been doing the care, so telling him he has a bad attitude is a bit presumptuous as well, if not outright rude.
Your description of your wife's capabilities does indeed sound like you have it so much better than others. Never would I consider care for anyone with dementia a snap, but it varies so widely what one has to deal with, often depending on the type of dementia and how far along the journey the person is. Some forms of dementia are brutal, for both the person and the care-giver. Some just bring out the worst in a person. So, until we can learn more about this situation, we shouldn't assume anything.
Until OP is willing to give us more information, we don't know what the conditions are for him. Just stating he provides care 20 hours/day sounds like his wife is quite a handful (and certainly not "stable")! One needs MORE than 4 hours of sleep/day AND one also needs time to regroup as well (or to go make that lemonade.)
Contact Care Patrol online to see if they are in your area. My Rep truly saved my life. they will assess your loved one's needs, help you arrange home care and guide you through the Nursing Home morass.
OH OH... if the caregiving is killing you .... then what happens when you are not around ? Time for home health care so help you out and give you a break.
Stable does not mean self sufficient. My husband is stable but incontinent, falls periodically, extremely moody, totally reliant on my presence, ...Anything can happen at any minute.
Bless you. I'm so sorry you are going through this, however, one resource may be reaching out to your local Area Agency on Aging and inquire if they offer a respite grant program. These programs allow caregivers to receive additional in-home care and overnight respite or schedule short-term stays for their loved ones at elder care facilities. The Area Agency on Aging may also be a to assess you and your wife for additional services to help you both.
You need to be able to leave your caregiver job for a few hours a week. Your daughter could come over for a few hours so you can do something for yourself such as go to barber shop, meet a buddy for coffee, etc. Do errands, shopping, walk in the park,around the block,. Your attitude will change . You will be revived.work in the garden, plant some flowers just do something for your own health.if you get to the place that you will need care who will take care of both of you. Home care is an excellent way to give you some time to yourself. Good. Health and God bless .
What makes you say she is too "stable to go into AL"? If her care is getting to be more than you can handle then you have no choice but to place her in AL (I would think that Memory Care would be a better option) Is there a possibility that YOU would consider both you and your wife move into Assisted Living. You can be with her. You can get the help that you need to care for her SAFELY. When your wife declines to the point where AL is no longer a safe option a move to Memory Care would be an easy transition and since most Al have MC in the same building you still be able to see her, help her with some things. And you would have a community around you that you could take advantage of transportation to the store, some have transportation to doctors offices. Most of your meals would be provided... And bonus..your daughter will not have to worry about caring for you when the time comes that you need more help
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I must ask , who has declared her too stable, you ? Did you get an assessment to that effect .? You're in your golden years and you deserve a rest at this stage of your life . Don't let guilt or fear take what's left from you, see if you can place her in a home or facility tailored to her needs . You're not abandoning her , you are giving her the very best and what she needs. Caregiving is rough on people in their 20s, 30s and 40s never mind 75 . You've done your best but stress is a killer, help yourself and start looking around for a home as soon as you can .
Thanks for your thoughts and perspective. Super stuff! However, I'd chime in that 'we don't deserve [this]', in my humble experience and opinion, goes without saying, and merely states the obvious. No one 'deserves' 'this'. I'm in my mid-60s; my mom's 90+; I've had devastating losses in the past 10 years that I've never had 'time' to process or recover from. SO many of us aren't remotely financially able to hire respite care for even 4 hours a few times a week, given our cared-for's (and our own) financial situations/resources. I COMPLETELY acknowledge the critical importance of talking about (not stuffing) our emotional and practical truths. But to say to a 75 y/o caring for his 75 y/o wife of who-knows-how-long, practically, 'not let guilt or fear take what's left from you' isn't particularly kind or helpful. Maybe for a person in their 40s, or even 50s (based on my own experience). I know one man, 76, whose wife is 77+ and very dependent physically, and moderately, psychologically (but to the extent she wore him down to nubs in 10 years) They happen to have some wealth (relative to 'middle class' standards). She's willingly and happily moved into a wonderful, idyllic 'retirement home/community', close-by, that supports by gold standards everyone there at EVERY stage and age of life; grounds and accommodations are idyllic; it's luxurious. Hell, who wouldn't want that? But honestly, VERY few spouses (or caretakers generally) have the luxury of living their 'golden years' with such serenity and reassurance, and enjoy themselves with total peace of mind knowing their long-time spouse is so ideally situated. That's my two cents. With respect and gratitude.
I send my husband a couple days a week to daytime memory care .he goes 2 days for 5 hours and that’s 5 hours for me. range of prices ask your local social services. The one my husband is a not for profit . His is $86 a day...worth it for mr
Some have said to leave your daughter out of the equation, but as a daughter (who came upon this forum d/t my dad's increasing memory issues, and mom's physical health decline, as well as difficulty coping with his memory issues), I think being open and honest with your daughter, essentially (hopefully) creating an ally. This would be a good first step to helping you answer your (seemingly) conundrum. Take care of you, and get some assistance for her.
You tell her doctor or your doctor that you need reprieve... They should be able to place her or you temporarily to give you rest. It is necessary... they should realize that, or give you care in home for some of the time in your home........
but if you plan to stay with her, she will forever resent your submitting her for evaluation and will know you want to get rid of her. Plus, she may not be willing to submit, and I suspect she still has capacity to resist!
K, if you add location details to your profile we can help you do some first-step research. If you aren't happy to do that, try typing "caregiver support in [name of your town, county, state]" into Google and selecting carefully from the results.
I don't know what you mean by "too stable" for assisted living or a nursing home either, but I am pretty sure that your options are not as limited as you think. There are definitely more to choose from besides your hating every day of your life or your daughter's life being ruined.
You are exhausted! (I would be, even just reading your post!) We do need more information.
When you say: "She is too stable to go into asst living or a nursing home but this is killing me."
What exactly do you mean? Has she been formally DXed? Is she able to get up, bathe, toilet, shower, feed herself, etc? Requiring 20 hrs/day of help from you doesn't exactly sound very "stable."
She would likely not need NH care, as generally the patients/residents require skilled nursing. However that would not exclude her from being eligible for Memory Care.
My mother was still mobile, able to bathe, dress, feed herself, etc. but she had dementia and it had gotten to the point where remaining home alone was not safe. We tried bringing in aides, initially only 1 hr/day weekdays only (they had no "duties" really, just check on her and make sure she took her meds from a dispenser.) The intent was to allow her to remain in her own place and increase time and care duties as needed. She refused to let them in after less than 2 months.
We did NOT have any medical tests done and she was NOT DXed by a doctor at that point. Again, details explaining what you mean by "stable" is needed.
You certainly don't want to abandon her or burden your daughter with her care. You CAN enlist your daughter's help in getting the help you need.
One BIG gate to facility care is financing. If there are no assets to provide for her care in a facility, you need to seek out what assistance might be available. The first step might be to get some in-home help for you, so that you can regroup and formulate a plan. Are there enough assets/income to hire some help, even if just temporarily until a plan is reached? It doesn't need to be 24/7, just enough to give you a breather.
Also high on the list is to get a full assessment and checkup. The doctor might be able to order an in-home assessment, covering not only her cognitive issues, but all capabilities and lack thereof. The aide company I hired sent a nurse first, who did a cognitive test in the home, with us present. It was a better test than the one doctor offices use. If wife's already been deemed incompetent, then the assessment should focus on where she needs assistance.
Meanwhile, find local EC attys and ask about free consult. Many do offer a short consult, so have all your questions, concerns and financial facts ready (daughter can perhaps help here, locating them and helping you to draft Qs and financial information.) It would be great if she could attend the consult with you - she might have questions or be able to explain things.
The atty should be able to determine if your wife would qualify for Medicaid, should there not be enough income or assets to cover self-pay facility care. Most states don't cover MC with Medicaid, but there are exceptions. Additionally, some who don't qualify for full facility care DO qualify for limited in-home care. If you own your home and have some assets and she qualifies for Medicaid, the home will remain for you to live in and the assets will be split between you, with her income and share going to the cost. The goal is to NOT make the remaining spouse destitute! If there's no house (rental), they will still split the assets you have - they won't take it all. This is one reason for spending the money on an EC atty, so that you don't end up paying for everything leaving nothing for yourself.
I can say that for federal taxes, MC is fully deductible. AL is not. More that likely in-home care would also be deductible, so her income might become tax free (once mom was in MC, she was no-tax status and paid no federal tax.) Depending on the state, some might be deductible - that's a question for tax expert! Our state doesn't have income tax.
Enlist the help of her doctor and your daughter. Find EC atty who can guide your decisions/moves. Hire some help, temporarily at least, to give you some respite and allow you to plan.
Reaching out for help is the first step. Looking the situation in the eye & acknowledging the truth of it: your wife's care is more than one man can do. It so often becomes a one man show, the lone caregiver. Now time to recruit your team, before you mentally & physically exhaust yourself (as that will help no-one 😞).
Two choices I see;
A. More care at home: ? volunteers, ? daughter, most probably paid aides
B. Wife moves to where care is provided. Maybe AL or maybe Memory Care. Aging Services & professional trained in this area can be consulted to locate the right fit.
Could consider tryng A. first? At least until more people are vaccinated & the Covid risk lessons. Then consider moving to B.
Also, have a good honest chat to your daughter. Building a support team for YOU is so important too.
Dear k5866752, If you are having problems caring for your wife, please consider adding more people into your lives to help with her care: family members, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help. This community could give more advice if you were willing to share a few more about your wife's condition.
What does 'too stable' to go into assisted living mean??? My mother was walking, talking, eating, toileting herself, showering herself, and otherwise perfectly fine when she went into Assisted Living back in 2014 with my father. She was suffering from neuropathy and no longer able to live alone or manage an apartment by herself; ie: cooking, cleaning, etc. Are you under the impression your wife has to be totally 'unstable' to 'qualify' for Assisted Living? Dementia ALONE is one gigantic reason to place her in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence and if your life is being ruined caring for her, she's obviously more than ready for managed care.
Look into Memory Care right away and learn all you can about what it's all about before you make assumptions.
Stable has nothing to do with placing her in Assisted living. If she is becoming a 24/7 job then place her. My Mom was a healthy woman other than having Dementia. The only thing she could do for herself was feed herself. You couldn't leave her to dress or bathe herself. She could no longer tell time, so didn't know when to go down for meals. AL criteria is not the same as LTC.
If its getting too much for you, then its time for Assisted Living.
Answer,HELP ASAP...... and this is okay.
First step, now take action before you decline physically. And it might happen suddenly upon you. Then who will care for your wife,
Start immediately a plan. Call Government agencies in your state. Most state office can be a great reference, helping you.
Definitely will direct you to other resources.
Please don’t go into denial, caretaking is a hard, and very emotionally journey. You need your health and strength to make it. I am on the journey up and down with my BF.
Bested of health to you and your wife! Stay with this web site it will be a excellent resource of positivity!
Fight the good fight of “Faith” try meditation ,pray to a higher source,God....
You DO have options which don't have to be you leaving or your daughter taking on this role. Knowing you can't do this care, you need to explore any/all options. Your daughter's help would be advisable. Two people searching, asking, exploring and understanding is better than one.
Getting some help caring for your wife for you while you explore the options is important. You can't function on 4 hours of sleep. Either find an agency to hire aides or find an AL/MC that can take her for respite, a week or two. Find EC atty to help with what options you have and to protect your assets. Those who are not informed think they have to pay for all the care and will end up broke and homeless - there ARE other options.
Let us know how you are doing and what plans you have made to move forward.
If the entrance fee requirement is not to your funding, Assisted Livings (AL) often have MC care units for those who require a little more specialized activities and help. Your wife might do well in one of those and when you visit you could be a loving caring husband instead of overworked, tired person who hates his life. In searching for an AL I would still ask the above question about financial stability. Remember that Medicaid beds in ALs are few and far between. Also keep in mind that if your wife's medical needs ever becoming more than an AL can handle, she might be required to move to a skilled nursing facility.
I wish you luck and peace on this difficult journey
My mother used to often go to the free tours and luncheon these places in her area would hold. A few times she mentioned moving to AL, when she felt the time was right. Unfortunately dementia came along first, and any attempt to just ask questions or discuss AL was met with derision. She would NEVER set foot in THOSE places!
We did try the aide in-home, only 1 hr/day with plan to increase as needed. She was only in the early stages and didn't really need "help." We never got past that - less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. So Plan B was to find a MC place. I focused on those in my area, knowing full well that I would be the one visiting, managing, ordering, delivering, etc. There were 3 in the next town. One was CCRC, but I never even inquired there - that "fee" was a gate.
That said, the place chosen was newly rebuilt and had IL, AL and MC, so one could transition to other levels of care, just like these CCRCs talk about. It was a non-profit and was less expensive with a better room/setup than another place my YB found (3 years after the move, the monthly fee had finally passed the original cost at that other place, and mom had a private room, where the other was 2 br with shared bath - THAT would never fly!)
Mom moved right to MC, no IL or AL. She lived there almost 4 years and I can't say enough good things about it!
They also had a foundation/legacy to assist those who outlive their funds. After mom had a stroke around Labor Day, the nurse informed me that mom would NOT have to move to a NH. She could stay to the end. That lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. I should think only someone who required specialized nursing care would need to move, as they really don't provide that kind of care in MC, but some places won't keep residents who are declining rapidly.
Anyway, I have been curious what that "fee" is used for, since the resident is still required to pay a monthly fee to live there. The only "fee" we had to pay was no where near that amount (depending on the fees you suggested, 2-5% of those!), and was used for assessment and admin stuff. Even that seemed a bit much, but it wasn't $250K!
I will also say that I've been VERY pleased with this place, the staff and the care provided. I've already told my kids that if I ever need a care facility, this is where I want to go! Another good point - they did an EXCELLENT job keeping the virus out. To date only 2 staff members tested positive, the first was not until October. Not one resident in the entire complex was ever infected. The other facilities nearby DID have infections and several deaths.
Clearly there are some similarities, but the OP has not provided a lot of detail, so it is a bit presumptuous to say your situations are almost exactly the same.
You also don't know this man or what he has to do to care for his wife or even how long he has been doing the care, so telling him he has a bad attitude is a bit presumptuous as well, if not outright rude.
Your description of your wife's capabilities does indeed sound like you have it so much better than others. Never would I consider care for anyone with dementia a snap, but it varies so widely what one has to deal with, often depending on the type of dementia and how far along the journey the person is. Some forms of dementia are brutal, for both the person and the care-giver. Some just bring out the worst in a person. So, until we can learn more about this situation, we shouldn't assume anything.
Until OP is willing to give us more information, we don't know what the conditions are for him. Just stating he provides care 20 hours/day sounds like his wife is quite a handful (and certainly not "stable")! One needs MORE than 4 hours of sleep/day AND one also needs time to regroup as well (or to go make that lemonade.)
they will assess your loved one's needs, help you arrange home care and guide you through the Nursing Home morass.
If her care is getting to be more than you can handle then you have no choice but to place her in AL (I would think that Memory Care would be a better option)
Is there a possibility that YOU would consider both you and your wife move into Assisted Living. You can be with her. You can get the help that you need to care for her SAFELY. When your wife declines to the point where AL is no longer a safe option a move to Memory Care would be an easy transition and since most Al have MC in the same building you still be able to see her, help her with some things. And you would have a community around you that you could take advantage of transportation to the store, some have transportation to doctors offices. Most of your meals would be provided...
And bonus..your daughter will not have to worry about caring for you when the time comes that you need more help
I'm so sorry you are going through this but I must ask , who has declared her too stable, you ? Did you get an assessment to that effect .?
You're in your golden years and you deserve a rest at this stage of your life . Don't let guilt or fear take what's left from you, see if you can place her in a home or facility tailored to her needs .
You're not abandoning her , you are giving her the very best and what she needs.
Caregiving is rough on people in their 20s, 30s and 40s never mind 75 . You've done your best but stress is a killer, help yourself and start looking around for a home as soon as you can .
I wish you guidance in your choices and luck .
L
range of prices ask your local social services. The one my husband is a not for profit . His is $86 a day...worth it for mr
prayers are with you.
I don't know what you mean by "too stable" for assisted living or a nursing home either, but I am pretty sure that your options are not as limited as you think. There are definitely more to choose from besides your hating every day of your life or your daughter's life being ruined.
How long have you been your wife's caregiver?
We do need more information.
When you say:
"She is too stable to go into asst living or a nursing home but this is killing me."
What exactly do you mean?
Has she been formally DXed?
Is she able to get up, bathe, toilet, shower, feed herself, etc?
Requiring 20 hrs/day of help from you doesn't exactly sound very "stable."
She would likely not need NH care, as generally the patients/residents require skilled nursing. However that would not exclude her from being eligible for Memory Care.
My mother was still mobile, able to bathe, dress, feed herself, etc. but she had dementia and it had gotten to the point where remaining home alone was not safe. We tried bringing in aides, initially only 1 hr/day weekdays only (they had no "duties" really, just check on her and make sure she took her meds from a dispenser.) The intent was to allow her to remain in her own place and increase time and care duties as needed. She refused to let them in after less than 2 months.
We did NOT have any medical tests done and she was NOT DXed by a doctor at that point. Again, details explaining what you mean by "stable" is needed.
You certainly don't want to abandon her or burden your daughter with her care. You CAN enlist your daughter's help in getting the help you need.
One BIG gate to facility care is financing. If there are no assets to provide for her care in a facility, you need to seek out what assistance might be available. The first step might be to get some in-home help for you, so that you can regroup and formulate a plan. Are there enough assets/income to hire some help, even if just temporarily until a plan is reached? It doesn't need to be 24/7, just enough to give you a breather.
Also high on the list is to get a full assessment and checkup. The doctor might be able to order an in-home assessment, covering not only her cognitive issues, but all capabilities and lack thereof. The aide company I hired sent a nurse first, who did a cognitive test in the home, with us present. It was a better test than the one doctor offices use. If wife's already been deemed incompetent, then the assessment should focus on where she needs assistance.
Meanwhile, find local EC attys and ask about free consult. Many do offer a short consult, so have all your questions, concerns and financial facts ready (daughter can perhaps help here, locating them and helping you to draft Qs and financial information.) It would be great if she could attend the consult with you - she might have questions or be able to explain things.
The atty should be able to determine if your wife would qualify for Medicaid, should there not be enough income or assets to cover self-pay facility care. Most states don't cover MC with Medicaid, but there are exceptions. Additionally, some who don't qualify for full facility care DO qualify for limited in-home care. If you own your home and have some assets and she qualifies for Medicaid, the home will remain for you to live in and the assets will be split between you, with her income and share going to the cost. The goal is to NOT make the remaining spouse destitute! If there's no house (rental), they will still split the assets you have - they won't take it all. This is one reason for spending the money on an EC atty, so that you don't end up paying for everything leaving nothing for yourself.
I can say that for federal taxes, MC is fully deductible. AL is not. More that likely in-home care would also be deductible, so her income might become tax free (once mom was in MC, she was no-tax status and paid no federal tax.) Depending on the state, some might be deductible - that's a question for tax expert! Our state doesn't have income tax.
Enlist the help of her doctor and your daughter. Find EC atty who can guide your decisions/moves. Hire some help, temporarily at least, to give you some respite and allow you to plan.
Reaching out for help is the first step. Looking the situation in the eye & acknowledging the truth of it: your wife's care is more than one man can do. It so often becomes a one man show, the lone caregiver. Now time to recruit your team, before you mentally & physically exhaust yourself (as that will help no-one 😞).
Two choices I see;
A. More care at home:
? volunteers, ? daughter, most probably paid aides
B. Wife moves to where care is provided. Maybe AL or maybe Memory Care. Aging Services & professional trained in this area can be consulted to locate the right fit.
Could consider tryng A. first? At least until more people are vaccinated & the Covid risk lessons. Then consider moving to B.
Also, have a good honest chat to your daughter. Building a support team for YOU is so important too.
We need to be reminded of these things.
So often we place ourselves last during caregiving, thinking that we are doing what is best.
In reality, we are not doing what is best.
If you are having problems caring for your wife, please consider adding more people into your lives to help with her care: family members, friends, members of your faith community, and/or paid help. This community could give more advice if you were willing to share a few more about your wife's condition.
Look into Memory Care right away and learn all you can about what it's all about before you make assumptions.
Good luck!
If its getting too much for you, then its time for Assisted Living.