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I’m so tired. And now I’m getting a winter cold and cough. I’m up 2-4 times. A night taking her to the bathroom. My kids help out with little things but I’m Granny’s security blanket and if I’m not around she is anxious. I can’t leave the house without having another adult here..and it’s best if it’s a woman because she won’t let men taker her to the toilet. I'm running low and feeling resentful. How do I overcome burnout? Where do I find Granny sitters that don’t cost an arm and a leg so I can get out more? And how do I get enough sleep? I volunteered to do this because my parents were leaving out of country for a year and my Aunt and Uncle could not take her. She was not doing well and they said it would probably be weeks or a few months. It has now been 6. My granny is tough as nails and is still going strong. Every time something happens...a heart attack 3 months ago, severe angina incident...my Uncle tells me to prepare for her to be gone in a week. But I know her better than that. I hate the way I think about it, but I’m so tired and now I’m getting sick. Ok rant over. Where is the aid and comfort measures for the caregivers?

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I understand that an elderly Aunt and Uncle could not take on full time care, but if they live nearby could they help out a few hours a week? And how old are your teens? Could they step up a few hours a week so you could go and have some "me time" ? If she gets anxious they could always tell her you;ll be back in a few minutes and distract her.
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Invisible Dec 2018
Agreed. We don't ask much of kids these days with regards to supporting the family/household. This is an opportunity for them to learn/understand the needs of the elderly which will likely pay off for you when your time comes.
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Dear soul, this is way too much for one person. Can you have a family meeting -with your aunt and uncle and parents involved by phone or Skype to brainstorm how to lighten your load. Can some family members kick in time and/or money to get Granny sitters? Other than that contact your local Agency for Aging and ask them what resources are available to you. Medicaid pays for an NH. Might it be worth looking in that direction? Granny may be around for a while yet and you are already overloaded.
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Get some vitamin C and zinc. This will help you kick that cold faster.

Her children need to fork over some money to help you out.

If they can't, won't, don't want to do this, then they need to help you do it.

Can you check with local colleges and see if you could find some relative inexpensive help that way. That's what I would be doing if I had to have my dad in my home. Get someone for 3 to 4 hours 7 days a week at g'mas children's expense. This would be good hands on for those pursuing degrees in the care fields and extra money for those working their way through college. Even if it's someone different and different hours everyday of the week. You would soon find out how many hours work well for you.

Be tough if you have to, they need to help you whether it's comfortable for them or not. It is the right thing to do.

God bless you for caring for your grandmother.

Hugs for all you do.
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Invisible Dec 2018
When people suggest you just find some medical student who wants nothing more than to live with your parent/grandparent while they go to school, I want to ask them if they have ever tried to pursue this course? Agencies who temp out people to seniors in their homes are having trouble finding people.
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My opinion, Grandma needs more care than you can physically give. I think its time for LTC. Who has POA? If your parents, they can handle everything long distance. There are fax machines and emails.

You have to tell Mom and Dad you can't do this anymore.
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JUST ASK FOR HELP...AND MEAN IT. CALL OR OTHERWISE CONTACT ALL THE AGENCIES YOU CAN TO STATE YOUR WORRIES AND CONCERNS. YOU CAN ALSO POST TO SOCIAL MEDIA THAT YOU NEED HELP AND AM WILLING TO PRAY FOR IT! LOL!

DO NOT GIVE UP! SOMEONE OUT HERE NEEDS A ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS...A CLEAN BATHROOM TO USE AND MOST OF ALL SOMEONE TO HELP BEFORE THEIR DAY IS DONE! REACH OUT FOR THE HELP YOU NEED...AND BE WILLING TO ACCEPT IT IN ANY FORM NECESSARY!

DR COPPERTINO
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jacobsonbob Dec 2018
I suspect you meant "willing to PAY for it"--prayers can't be deposited into the bank! LOL
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As you can see: YOU CAN’T DO IT!! Your health problems will get worse. You must take care of yourself first! Find out what you can about resources for senior care. Family, friends: can they help? Can Mom or you afford some professional help? Your kids must be your top priority.
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Invisible Dec 2018
She only has a cold. Who doesn't this time of year?
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First of all, thank you thank you thank you for all you are doing! Raising teens and a preteen is already a full time job and then you have an additional full time job.

Definitely notify aunt and Uncle that you need help doing this. You need help- at least a few days for someone to help you or just someone at night so you can sleep.

I can suggest a few places to check for some additional help: your local church- ask the pastor or elders for a recommendation of someone, your grandmother’s Dr. or social worker, local university nursing student or even hospice has caregivers that look for an additional job for extra days on the side. Try to be vigilant that you can find a reliable person for grandma.

Can your grandma wear Depends or use a bedside toilet at night? If setup, you could place bedrail that she could hold and use bedside toilet herself? If you are exhausted getting up helping her, she is exhausted getting up too. Maybe on her regimen, stop drinking fluids after a certain time in the evenings... be sure not to dehydrate her but if she gets on a schedule of drinking plenty of fluids during the day, it would help the nighttime getting up to go to the restroom. Also right before she goes to bed, try to toilet her so she won’t need to keep getting up. I hope these suggestions help you! You have no idea what a blessing you are to your family!! Take care of yourself!
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I would tell your relatives that you are worn out, can’t do this alone anymore, and if they can’t help physically, they must help financially, if they want to keep grannie out of a nursing home. The agency I hire to be with Mom one-on-one on the weekends at the NH is $22/hr with a min of 3 hours. So for $66/ day you could get out, take a nap, have some quiet time. Can grannie afford that out of her SS, with parents and uncle chipping in? Even if only a few days a week, it would give you a break. This may sound callous, Grannie may get anxious, but so what? My mom gets anxious some times wanting me to be with her at the NH all day, every day, but I just can’t do it. I just can’t. There’s no shame or guilt in saying “I just can’t”, and let the caregivers at the NH or in your private home take over. You’re been doing a wonderful job, but it’s just not sustainable the way it is. Do you agree?
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Your Grandma is your Uncle and Parents responsibility. Your children are your responsibility. Your parents will become your responsibility. Place Grandmas needs back on her son to take care of.
“Uncle I’ve cared for Grandma for a few months I can no longer do it. You have until 2 months later to place her or care for her yourself. “
And make sure that a plan is in place for the care of your parents and yourself for later.
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The interrupted sleep is your biggest immediate problem - not sleeping well causes all kinds of problems, including lowering your immune system, feeling overwhelmed and tired all day long as well as depression. Caregiving is difficult and stressful even for the well rested, it becomes an increasing load when sleep is inadequate.

Although your aunt and uncle may not be able to carry a full load, can they stay over and handle the night duty so you can get some sleep? If not every night then at least every other night? Or cover the bill for a paid caregiver? Would your grandmother consider wearing overnight incontinence panties so you don't need to get up during the night? Would a bedside commode and some grab bars/hand rails allow GM to toilet herself overnight? Are there any other family/cousins that could rotate pulling the night duty? You may be able to find help from your local church or a retired nursing association at a reduced cost. Some retirees will help but need at least their expenses reimbursed.

If GM qualifies for Medicaid, then there are some in home services like bathing assistance and in some states a few hours a week (8-10) respite for the primary caregiver.

In any case, you need to get GM Medicaid qualified if that's possible so the LTC is funded when needed.

Recovering from burnout while still caregiving requires getting adequate sleep (even if that means taking a nap during the day when kids are at school) and finding moments to maybe an hour to enjoy the moment. My small moment is enjoying a cup of coffee on the porch or with a book. I have found eating lunch uninterrupted with my mom to be a good respite too. My favorite respite is a soaking bath with a glass of something cold to drink and a good book even if I need to take that bath in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. Sometimes I take a nap while a teenager does his homework/talks on the phone/plays video games and "monitors" my mom, helping her with small tasks like picking up something she dropped or taking her a cup of coffee and waking me up if Mom needs personal care. If you can manage it, try to take a 1-2 break. I found checking into a hotel room, sleeping until I woke, taking a walk or two and eating a few restaurant meals to be a wonderful break that recharged the batteries for several months. Could your aunt and uncle handle GM's care for just a couple of days?
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While my dad only lived with us for 4 months before moving into assisted living he got up twice a night to go to the bathroom. I woke up just to make sure he made it there and back ok. This was over 4 1/2 years ago and my sleep patterns never returned to what they originally were.
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The first thing you need to do - is take care of yourself. If you become sick then what? You won't be able to help anyone. She gets anxious - so does my mom. But I still go out with friends to have conversation and stimulation. I'm not giving that up! No I don't have kids but I work full-time and am single. I'm feeling resentful too because I'm tired of carrying this burden mostly by myself. I'm giving it another year but I'm ready to sell my house because it's too much for one person to take care of. And too expensive. She really needs to go to AL. I'd start calling your Dept. of Aging - and ask about State services. There are many - from transportation to cooking/cleaning/preparing meals and bathing. Give yourself a much needed break. And some other family members need to step up but many times they won't....WHY? Because you are doing it all! God Bless.
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You are trying to do too much and need to slow down and get enough sleep.
In addition to all the advice you have above, you might check out if there is a Home Instead Senior Care franchise in your area. They are quite active In both
the USA and the United Kingdom; and I have found them very helpful and reasonably priced in care for my wife who is ten years into Alzheimer's and still (happily) at home.

Your relatives have a choice: Help out practically to look after your grandma or help out financially. The option of doing nothing is unacceptable. Also, the responsibility for caring needs to move around the family, not rest with one person.

You have to look after yourself in order to look after your children and your grandma. It is better to make a move while you still have the energy to act, rather than to wait until you are completely exhausted.

My prayers and hopes for you
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I was getting up hourly to assist my DH in voiding. An online holistic friend recommended I get Ashwagandha and I immediately started googling it.

She recommended Gaia brand Ashwagandha and I purchased it. While DH still woke me hourly, I found I was able to return to sleep and wake up basically refreshed in the morning. And it stopped my stress.

I am not a doctor but they only wanted to put me on Zoloft and I didn't want that - I still use the Ashwagandha and it keeps me so much less stressed.

Good Luck Ajhaderlie - and Bless You.
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Agreeing to care for grandma when your parents were out of the country was a blessing for them... you love her, but it's your time to be a parent right now. You don't mention a spouse, either that indicates he's not even on the priority list OR you're trying to do this as a single parent... either way, another layer of complication that makes this too much for an extended time. If a single parent, then you must have a full time job too???
If you don't take care of yourself, there are a whole bunch of people who are relying on you who you're going to let down.
Mom, Dad, Aunt and Uncle need a clear notification that they need to make alternative plans. 6 months is a huge contribution on your part and and end date must be established... by you if nobody else. Once you have an end date you will be in a better position to determine if respite services at your home will be adequate to get your through, or if she will need to move to AL or a NH for professional care.
"Tend to your own oxygen mask before assisting others". Do not feel guilt for doing so!
The sacrifices we make are done in love, but you have to consider what the right way to show love to your immediate family is first. Grandma is important, but even the bible tells us that we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse, our spouse and family come first.

I'm praying that you will be taken seriously and parents and Aunt & Uncle will respond promptly and respectfully.
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My 90 y.o. Mother lives with me, moved in at 83. She is somewhat immobile (wc bound), but is able to transfer from potty to chair, as long as it’s her bathroom that I set up with handicap bars. She has a potty chair by her bed so she can transfer and go when she needs to. I empty it in the a.m. Would that be too hard for your g’ma, not sure of her limitations? I find myself being resentful at times, (I’m the only daughter, so it kind of naturally falls on me) but she is such a love that I am able to let go of most of it. I work nights at the hospital so I am available for md appts, making dinner, etc. I have felt what you feel (how long will she live?) and then feel incredibly guilty. It is not easy what we do. Please reach out to social services. I imagine a call to a hospital or rehab facility might be able to steer you toward services available to you, or google senior services in your area. I hope you get the relief you need.😔
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annemculver Dec 2018
Good response. Just remember that caregiving is everyone’s work, not just daughters’!😬
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I remember someone on this forum explaining that they paid someone to stay overnight (you'll need a spare bedroom) to help with nighttime toileting so that they could get a full night's sleep. Even if you couldn't afford every night, one or two nights a week could be like gold.
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I just want to say that I understand about being burned out. I've taken care of my hubbie for over 1 1/2 yrs. after his stroke and other medical problems. I really don't know how you've done it this far. I relate to feeling resentful and I also feel angry. Then when I feel those ways, I get down on myself. People tell me to go places etc., but I too am tired. I guess I just wanted to say I understand. Peace, dawn1947.
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You are tired, and you are doing a good job. Will be praying the Lord helps sooth your weary mind. Everything has a season. Ask for help on specific days at specific times to other family members. I had no one, but my wonderful husband helping me. Sometimes I thought I would go first. I did love mom a lot, but I was tired.
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Invisible Dec 2018
Agree that being specific is best way to get help.
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Put her in diapers & change once during night...don’t let her walk to bathroom. SNF would do same ...put her in diapers. ..then go to sleep. Tell your parents they need a different plan. If she well enough she can go to ALF...my mother they would not take because she doesn’t walk & she gets combative due to dementia. Hugs 🤗
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Lymie61 Dec 2018
But don't call them diapers! Disposable incontinence underwear or simply "Depends" and get the night time version so there is less chance of accidents that might make her fight this idea again. Set yourself up for success as best you can.
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I agree it's time for you to let your parents, aunt and uncle know that it's become too much for you and they need to find a way to help or find another situation. Let them know just how hard it is for you to say and you want to help but.... this sounds like it's getting to the point where it will hurt your memories/relationship with her and you do not want that. ;)
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I vote for advising your aunt and uncle that you will be available to take care of grandma through the end of the year. Then her children will need to make alternate arrangements as the current one is damaging to you and your children (who are your first priority, not grandma),
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Dear person: You must cease and they will have to find alternative mesaures, else you'll surely "crash and burn(out)."
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Blessed your heart. We who have sacrificed our lives to “do the right thing”, generally are worse for wear! Get help before you can no longer recognize yourself. Do it for you. Not Granny, parents or kids...do it for you. Call in hospice. They are not just for the dying. Since Granny is tuff. Let her know you cannot and will not continue like this. Love is also saying no.
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MyToxicMom Dec 2018
I give you a dozen stars for your answer to the young lady taking care of her Granny☺️
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Wow, reading your post we can so relate. My husband is the one with the cold and so he can get rest I have been getting up with Grandma through the night (2 to 4 times). I pray I don't get sick. We have hired someone to come in one Saturday night a month to give us a break. You need to talk an out it so don't feel it's a rant. We fear that we may not be able to continue our arrangement much longer so after the first of the year we are going to start looking at a facility. We have not decided on this route but we do want to be informed. Come March we have been doing this for 2 years. Our youngest started driving last July and that helps a ton. Prayers go out to you in the days ahead.
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annemculver Dec 2018
One night a month is NOT ENOUGH!! I sure hope you get more help!
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I’ve been in your shoes and my heart goes out to you. Is there outright opposition to residential placement?
Looking forward to someone’s “departure” doesn’t cause much less guilt than finding your LO a SAFE, COMFORTABLE living site where she will receive care from TRAINED HELP.
Just remember too that there are NO good solutions, just making the best you can of the whole array of LESS than GOOD ones.
I say a prayer for caregivers whenever I can remember to do so, so consider yourself included!
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Ever read "Horton Hatches an Egg" by Dr. Seuss? They flew off and left you with the egg. Kudos to you for agreeing and shame on them. Some good suggestions here for overnight. If you have real friends, ask them if they would be willing to spell you occasionally. If you attend church, talk to your minister. Church congregations sometimes help out in wonderful ways and most have been where you are now. Remind yourself this is temporary and ask Aunt/Uncle to pitch in or give you money to hire some help! Be kind to Granny because we will all be in her shoes someday and grateful for assistance.
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I know what you mean... caregivers run $20 an hour or so here... and assisted living is only for the rich. I have NO idea who can afford an extra $7000 a month!
can granny wear a Depends through the night? Can she use a bedside commode independently so you can rest? Is. Someone coming back to take granny, or does this appear to be a permanent arrangement?
its great that your kids help out. Mine do too. If you have some trusted friends who could provide a little respite care that would be good for you!
You could try getting a doctor to prescribe the need for an aide, and maybe get it covered through insurance? I know it all seems overwhelming!
Hang in there...
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Sweetheart, put her in a nursing home, and let your FIRST responsibilitiey be to your kids, yourself, and your hubby. Good luck with making the right choices!
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