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I’m so tired. And now I’m getting a winter cold and cough. I’m up 2-4 times. A night taking her to the bathroom. My kids help out with little things but I’m Granny’s security blanket and if I’m not around she is anxious. I can’t leave the house without having another adult here..and it’s best if it’s a woman because she won’t let men taker her to the toilet. I'm running low and feeling resentful. How do I overcome burnout? Where do I find Granny sitters that don’t cost an arm and a leg so I can get out more? And how do I get enough sleep? I volunteered to do this because my parents were leaving out of country for a year and my Aunt and Uncle could not take her. She was not doing well and they said it would probably be weeks or a few months. It has now been 6. My granny is tough as nails and is still going strong. Every time something happens...a heart attack 3 months ago, severe angina incident...my Uncle tells me to prepare for her to be gone in a week. But I know her better than that. I hate the way I think about it, but I’m so tired and now I’m getting sick. Ok rant over. Where is the aid and comfort measures for the caregivers?

My opinion, Grandma needs more care than you can physically give. I think its time for LTC. Who has POA? If your parents, they can handle everything long distance. There are fax machines and emails.

You have to tell Mom and Dad you can't do this anymore.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Agreeing to care for grandma when your parents were out of the country was a blessing for them... you love her, but it's your time to be a parent right now. You don't mention a spouse, either that indicates he's not even on the priority list OR you're trying to do this as a single parent... either way, another layer of complication that makes this too much for an extended time. If a single parent, then you must have a full time job too???
If you don't take care of yourself, there are a whole bunch of people who are relying on you who you're going to let down.
Mom, Dad, Aunt and Uncle need a clear notification that they need to make alternative plans. 6 months is a huge contribution on your part and and end date must be established... by you if nobody else. Once you have an end date you will be in a better position to determine if respite services at your home will be adequate to get your through, or if she will need to move to AL or a NH for professional care.
"Tend to your own oxygen mask before assisting others". Do not feel guilt for doing so!
The sacrifices we make are done in love, but you have to consider what the right way to show love to your immediate family is first. Grandma is important, but even the bible tells us that we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse, our spouse and family come first.

I'm praying that you will be taken seriously and parents and Aunt & Uncle will respond promptly and respectfully.
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Reply to YsLadyMN
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Your Grandma is your Uncle and Parents responsibility. Your children are your responsibility. Your parents will become your responsibility. Place Grandmas needs back on her son to take care of.
“Uncle I’ve cared for Grandma for a few months I can no longer do it. You have until 2 months later to place her or care for her yourself. “
And make sure that a plan is in place for the care of your parents and yourself for later.
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Reply to Karen51
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The first thing you need to do - is take care of yourself. If you become sick then what? You won't be able to help anyone. She gets anxious - so does my mom. But I still go out with friends to have conversation and stimulation. I'm not giving that up! No I don't have kids but I work full-time and am single. I'm feeling resentful too because I'm tired of carrying this burden mostly by myself. I'm giving it another year but I'm ready to sell my house because it's too much for one person to take care of. And too expensive. She really needs to go to AL. I'd start calling your Dept. of Aging - and ask about State services. There are many - from transportation to cooking/cleaning/preparing meals and bathing. Give yourself a much needed break. And some other family members need to step up but many times they won't....WHY? Because you are doing it all! God Bless.
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Reply to Texasgal
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Dear soul, this is way too much for one person. Can you have a family meeting -with your aunt and uncle and parents involved by phone or Skype to brainstorm how to lighten your load. Can some family members kick in time and/or money to get Granny sitters? Other than that contact your local Agency for Aging and ask them what resources are available to you. Medicaid pays for an NH. Might it be worth looking in that direction? Granny may be around for a while yet and you are already overloaded.
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Reply to golden23
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As you can see: YOU CAN’T DO IT!! Your health problems will get worse. You must take care of yourself first! Find out what you can about resources for senior care. Family, friends: can they help? Can Mom or you afford some professional help? Your kids must be your top priority.
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Reply to annemculver
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Invisible Dec 8, 2018
She only has a cold. Who doesn't this time of year?
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I would tell your relatives that you are worn out, can’t do this alone anymore, and if they can’t help physically, they must help financially, if they want to keep grannie out of a nursing home. The agency I hire to be with Mom one-on-one on the weekends at the NH is $22/hr with a min of 3 hours. So for $66/ day you could get out, take a nap, have some quiet time. Can grannie afford that out of her SS, with parents and uncle chipping in? Even if only a few days a week, it would give you a break. This may sound callous, Grannie may get anxious, but so what? My mom gets anxious some times wanting me to be with her at the NH all day, every day, but I just can’t do it. I just can’t. There’s no shame or guilt in saying “I just can’t”, and let the caregivers at the NH or in your private home take over. You’re been doing a wonderful job, but it’s just not sustainable the way it is. Do you agree?
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Reply to rocketjcat
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You are trying to do too much and need to slow down and get enough sleep.
In addition to all the advice you have above, you might check out if there is a Home Instead Senior Care franchise in your area. They are quite active In both
the USA and the United Kingdom; and I have found them very helpful and reasonably priced in care for my wife who is ten years into Alzheimer's and still (happily) at home.

Your relatives have a choice: Help out practically to look after your grandma or help out financially. The option of doing nothing is unacceptable. Also, the responsibility for caring needs to move around the family, not rest with one person.

You have to look after yourself in order to look after your children and your grandma. It is better to make a move while you still have the energy to act, rather than to wait until you are completely exhausted.

My prayers and hopes for you
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Reply to BritishCarer
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Get some vitamin C and zinc. This will help you kick that cold faster.

Her children need to fork over some money to help you out.

If they can't, won't, don't want to do this, then they need to help you do it.

Can you check with local colleges and see if you could find some relative inexpensive help that way. That's what I would be doing if I had to have my dad in my home. Get someone for 3 to 4 hours 7 days a week at g'mas children's expense. This would be good hands on for those pursuing degrees in the care fields and extra money for those working their way through college. Even if it's someone different and different hours everyday of the week. You would soon find out how many hours work well for you.

Be tough if you have to, they need to help you whether it's comfortable for them or not. It is the right thing to do.

God bless you for caring for your grandmother.

Hugs for all you do.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Invisible Dec 8, 2018
When people suggest you just find some medical student who wants nothing more than to live with your parent/grandparent while they go to school, I want to ask them if they have ever tried to pursue this course? Agencies who temp out people to seniors in their homes are having trouble finding people.
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First of all, thank you thank you thank you for all you are doing! Raising teens and a preteen is already a full time job and then you have an additional full time job.

Definitely notify aunt and Uncle that you need help doing this. You need help- at least a few days for someone to help you or just someone at night so you can sleep.

I can suggest a few places to check for some additional help: your local church- ask the pastor or elders for a recommendation of someone, your grandmother’s Dr. or social worker, local university nursing student or even hospice has caregivers that look for an additional job for extra days on the side. Try to be vigilant that you can find a reliable person for grandma.

Can your grandma wear Depends or use a bedside toilet at night? If setup, you could place bedrail that she could hold and use bedside toilet herself? If you are exhausted getting up helping her, she is exhausted getting up too. Maybe on her regimen, stop drinking fluids after a certain time in the evenings... be sure not to dehydrate her but if she gets on a schedule of drinking plenty of fluids during the day, it would help the nighttime getting up to go to the restroom. Also right before she goes to bed, try to toilet her so she won’t need to keep getting up. I hope these suggestions help you! You have no idea what a blessing you are to your family!! Take care of yourself!
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Reply to Help2014
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