Frustration over getting told this...

I run into that type of thing myself. I find that when I give the reality answer, they often seem uncomfortable. I adore most all of our neighbors and I believe they mean well, but would honestly just prefer a generic response of "they are pretty good. Thanks for asking." A lot of folks don't know how to respond if someone is not doing well.

Thank you everyone who responded. I have read all your replies. I was having a particularly bad day that day and on reflection I realised that I was taking it all rather seriously. I appreciate everything you all have said.

Els.1el.
I think, people ask because they have to ask. I understand your frustration, they have no clue what we are going thru, just respond politely. Defenitley not easy.

My answer is always "as well as can be expected under the circumstances."

Certainly by now, after reading these caregiver answers, you must realize that everybody has something going on.

I think most of us know the people that are genuine and thoughtful. We also know the people who are nosy busybodies and will be insensitive. Take the time to speak to those who care if you like and walk right past those who get under your skin. You don’t owe them a thing.

I think they are being considerate, acknowledging that they know you are caring for your parents and hoping for the best for you. If you want to be truthful, say, "Well, it has been difficult but we are managing." They might take that as a sign you could use help and offer some. Or they may just walk away. I have gotten some good ideas from people who didn't just walk away.

They are just being polite and you should respond in the same fashion.  It is no different than passing someone and they say "Hi, how are you?"  They are just being polite...they aren't asking or expecting you to whip out your medical record and your financial statements and tell them how you "really" are. 

My mothers siblings do the same thing, but I know they really don't want to know what is going on with her or they would visit their sister.  So I just respond that she is holding her own and leave it at that. 

The sad reality is that most of us are alone in this.  I have days where I am more angry about it than not, so I get where you're coming from.

JUst a way of being Polite and Asking just in General "How are you?"

IMHO, I believe it's just said similar to "Have a good day" when you know that the person won't. It's just human nature. My mother would sugar coat anything and everything - because she said "No one wants to hear my ailments." Unfortunately, this transferred over to her doctor's office. Dr said to my late mother - "What is the problem, Norma?" My mother - "Oh, nothing." Dr sends her home with nothing accomplished. I told her that she had to speak up, especially to the medical professional. I, on the other hand, am a factual person. If asked, I will say "No, my day's not so great."

When someone asks you such a ridiculous question, you should state the truth. Or you could say - "As you may recall (key word MAY), mother and dad have been diagnosed with some serious illnesses."
So bottom line is - You don't have to verbalize "I'm going through H - E - double hockey sticks." The person should recall that your parents are quite ill.

I have actually told people to stop asking. Maybe that sounds rude to some people but it gets ridiculous. There is no cure for Parkinson’s disease. They know my mom is in her 90’s. Especially since I no longer have a relationship with her, I really do not care to discuss her with anyone.

My mother contributed to the destruction of our relationship. I can’t change her behavior. God knows I tried my best to have a healthy relationship with her. I had to end the relationship for my own sanity. It would be great if everyone had good relationships. That isn’t real life. It’s sad for those of us who don’t have good relationships. It’s wonderful for those who do. Cherish it.

There comes a time that you simply don’t want to discuss it. It’s too depressing. I think it’s fine not to want to talk about it, especially with people who say dumb, insensitive remarks.

To stop it, let people know that you do not want to discuss it any longer because they will hear the same answer or worsening conditions. Why keep repeating the same response? It’s agonizing.

I think even if people are well meaning they shouldn’t pry or be nosy. Why? So they can gossip to others about how bad something is. It doesn’t make sense. If people want prayers they will ask for them.

People should wait to see if someone wants to discuss a personal matter instead of putting them on the spot. This is why I have told others to stop asking. If I want to speak I will. I choose very wisely who I speak to. I don’t have conversations with insensitive people or those who don’t have a clue and therefore say idiotic things.

on the continuum of problems people here, and I am sure you are dealing with in caring for your parents, I personally would rate this a small problem.

People are just giving their best wishes.

I think that the AgingCare site exists for the very reason that this particular discussion was started. All of us, each in our own way, have gone through a lot over an extended period of time.  We have stepped in to help a loved one as as they go through experiences we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy.  It is difficult and it is sad. Often our ties with siblings or other family members are severed in the process, as we find some of these people to be actively destructive to the goal of helping our loved one. These additional losses compound our sadness and grief. A silver lining to that cloud is that it dispels the delusions we might have about who our real family and friends are.

After a while I think what we are doing for our loved one becomes a way of life. And as time goes on and our loved one declines  it is harder to feel a sense of accomplishment, fulfillment or reward in helping our loved one because they are succumbing to the disease process. And a lot of the people that we know are unaware that as we look out at the world around us our vision is darkened by the sadness we feel.  I think they are ignorant, not purposely thoughtless.

For each of the last three years I have participated in an Alzheimer’s Association fundraising event.  Many people that I know who have clicked the link to my fundraising page have more than a passing awareness of what I have been going through with my mother.  And in this current year I am gratified to know that more than $3000 was raised through my fundraising efforts toward research, legislation and education. My mother is now in the end stage of Alzheimer’s disease and on hospice.  Fundraising for the Alzheimer’s Association is one of the ways that I take action to lessen my sense of powerlessness in the face of this horrendous disease. 

None of this is easy. I still think we need to try to look for things we can feel grateful about, ways that we can find solace in an inconsolable journey ~

I have had people say the same thing and I realize that they feel ackward, not really knowing what to say, but wanting us to know that they are thinking of us and wish us well. When people have never been around anyone who has had dementia or alzheimers they honestly do not have a clue and I realize that. Before my Brother got dementia I didn't have a clue either. No one is ever prepared for the heartache and frustrations of caring for a loved one who was dementia.

When someone makes this comment to me I say "we have good days, and we have bad days, thank you for asking. Today is one of the "good" days (unless it isn't.) Then I smile.

And that is true. They all are not good days nor are they all bad. I've learned to enjoy and cherish those good days because they get less frequent and farther between.

Blessings to you and your family. I wish you all the best for 2020.

There's more than one thing going on here.

"People always say" is a generalization. People who are your real friends do want to know. Acquaintances will inquire to be polite.

The second issue? It seems like you need to vent and that's ok. You can talk to a therapist or you can scream or you can throw things (in a safe place).

I feel you. I get you are so lucky your mom is still living at 92. My mom also has vascular dementia. Along with other problems. I think a lot of things when someone says that. But smile and say I am blessed.
ktsmom

Are any of us really ‘welll?’ When someone asks, “how are you?” They really don’t want to know about all of your health issues and what’s going wrong in your life. It’s just a nicety...It’s use people trying to reach out and not knowing what to say. Be kind...

This is a tough one. Would you prefer that people don’t say anything to you? It is definitely a pleasantry. I have a friend dying of cancer and one who just lost her husband. I debated whether to send a Christmas card, but decided that, if I was in that place, I would want people to remember me and wish me well. I sent the cards. People are just trying to be kind.

You're taking the comment too literally. They aren't asking about their overall health; it's a pleasantry.

I know you're frustrated and anxious, but try not to take it out on people who at least took the time to make some contact. It'll be hurtful to them, and won't make you feel better for having done that. They'll also stop being in contact, further isolating you.

Consider keeping a journal and venting there.

I can understand your frustration as you must have explained this numerous times. My life is similar as my husband has emphysema, which gets progressively worse and is in the later stages. He also had a stroke which makes it difficult for him to communicate. When people say, "I hope your husband is getting better" or comments such as the one you mentioned I try to bear in mind that they are not deliberately being irritating. They are just wanting to let me know that they are concerned. If they said absolutely nothing that would be more hurtful I think.
I also have a friend in the late stages of Alzheimer's and her husband is physically handicapped. They recently left their home and moved to a residence with a section for her and a small apartment for him. When I ask him how they are doing he usually answers that she is comfortable and seems to like her carers and he is well and is happy that she still seems to know his voice.

I think the easiest thing for you is to just find some response such as "fairly comfortable today, thank you." or "not too badly, thank you" which is quick and polite.

Do your parents live with you or elsewhere? My husband is still at home with me and my close friends have seen how it is draining me. When other people ask me how I am doing, that is when I have trouble answering. I can't be honest because that would be to pour out all my frustration and misery that we won't be together much longer. His former colleagues see me on the street and ask about him and all I can do is thank them for asking and say I will let him know they have enquired.

No one who hasn't gone through it can understand and even those who have will not know what your family's particular difficulties are. If you can find something very simple to say it may reduce your stress, particularly if you can remind yourself they are really just trying to be kind.

I wish you well and I hope your parents eventually slip away comfortably in their sleep. I'm sorry for what you must be going through.

You have a choice to say what you want!!!!! It is similar to someone saying, Your mom passed 10 yrs ago is it getting easier as time goes by? " It never gets easier and plez never say that again to me" is what I say and walk away.

You are stressed and many mean well BUT personally I do not care! BUT if you do not tell them how you REALLY feel then they will say the same kind of things.
Something like My parents are NOT doing well they are suffering as I am. We pray alot and ask you to pray for us and we take things NOT a day or hour at a time but minute to minute. I am glad you care but this is a very hard time. None of this is going well.

Sometimes people don’t know what to say but they want to let you know they are thinking of you & your family—all you have to say is, “yes everyone is ok” with a smile & then “Thankyou for asking”. That’s it—don’t take it as seriously as you have been; you’ll be less stressed & they’ll be happy they let you know they were thinking of you all.

We could all write a chapter in the book of stupid and insensitive things people say. Instead we just need to offer a smile and some compassion, they haven’t walked the road you’re on and they have no clue

You are doing a very tough job caring for your parents with multiple problems. Many folks do not know and can't imagine the amount of work and stress you deal with daily. Thank you for stepping up and caring.

Folks are well-meaning, even if they seem to be avoiding the obvious or giving "trite" responses. If you need help, ask. If you don't need help, let folks know you're managing even if the work is hard and your parents are not doing their "best".

Maybe you could say something like,"They are not well, but thank you for asking." Change the subject if possible.

Els1eL You must be an Angel sent from Heaven, as Caring for both Parents with these fatal conditions is very tough going I am sure.
It is my belief that People do not set out to say the wrong thing, they just burp it out thoughtlessly.
When my Mother who I cared for in the last years at home died three and a half years ago from alzheimer's and I felt heart broken. I am not Married and I was always very fond of my Mother. We worked very well together. At Mams Funeral a symphatizer Who I regarded as a Friend, said with a smile on his face as He shook my hand, WELL SHER YOUL BE ABLE TO BRING THE WOMAN IN NOW ? I nodded my head and said thank You. A wise Man once
said that it is far better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than it is to speak and remove all doubt.

& add that YOU aren’t well either...but they probably believe in Santa 🎅 & tooth fairy too ....don’t let dumb ignorant people get on your nerves ...same thing might be happening in their brains...just no common sense! Uugghh you have my sympathies..& hugs 🤗

Maybe just try to think that they mean “as well as can be expected” and just didn’t say it.

Yes, say this: "No! They are not at all well! They both have fatal conditions and are living a horrendous life at the moment." [omit the thank you.]
Get your frustration out in therapy or intentionally connecting with [more] people that DO UNDERSTAND and want to support you.
Yes, people don't think, don't know what to say . . . if you respond with this level of honesty, you are sharing your truth.

I would suggest a response like this accompanied by a smile:

 “At this point it ain’t easy. But thank you for your well wishes“.

If they want to know more they can inquire further and you can go into more detail, or that can be the extent of the discussion on the topic. Sometimes the situation isn’t conducive or the interest isn’t there, but with other people it leaves the door open for questions and answers. 

I know it is hard to be carrying around with you the heavy weight of knowing your parents condition and all that goes along with that sad situation. And when people make superficial comments it is a struggle to know how to respond.  I think that with the above reply you are honest, you aren’t forcing information on them that they would rather not hear and yet you are giving them the opportunity to continue the conversation.