Friends (whining).

I have 10 good friends. Some are helpful with appointments, other things, but mostly I enjoy socializing, going out for dinners and forget about caregiving. I talk to 2-3 about my caregiving issues, but, really in details only to 1. She was caregiver and very caring person, so she understands and lets me vent, but I did it for her, she took care of her Dad, then lately of Mom and that was more involved care till the end.
We cannot expect people to understand, some say I have such easy job as my husband is highly independent, Parkinson’s, no dementia, they don’t realize what is coming as this disease will progress.

It's similar to when people ask, "How are you?" They're expecting and wanting to hear "Fine thanks, and you?" Not some lengthy diatribe about what's REALLY wrong with us or that someone's dying, sick, or battling a long illness or disease. It gets old and tiresome and nobody wants to hear it after a while. So they stop asking or change the subject bc life goes on for them, with or w/o us and our issues.

I have a friend on Facebook who only ever posts about her dead loved ones. Constantly. Every day is a new post about her dh who died in 2010 or her grandparents, her father, aunts uncles friends, etc. It's gotten to the point where she has never moved on from these deaths and can't stop dwelling on them. She never once spoke of her father who deserted the family and abused them for years before her mother had to snatch up the girls and run off to a motel to keep them SAFE. Yet now that he's dead, he was a saint that we should all keep memorialized daily.

I mute her every 30 days so I don't have to see those posts on my newsfeed.

I've had a similar experience. I don't ever really see that I have talked about it a whole lot, but apparently, it's more than enough for those people. Last week someone asked me how my mother is in front of one of those people and the "friend" interrupted immediately announcing, "Oh god! Don't ask! We're here for a happy time", or words to that effect. I was basically unable to respond to the question.

I agree with the comment below: Don't block your friends right now. You can talk here, and perhaps you can find someone who will provide you another place to talk (like a counselor or the like).

Meanwhile, I don't plan to spend time with those folks any time soon.

Basically it's the road we all take. Yes, I have friends, but I speak with them less than biweekly at this point. I am sure they are tired of hearing me and my tales of woe in being a caregiver, and frankly, I don't call them very often either as I'm tired of hearing myself. It's not that they are "bad" friends or "bad" people, it's just that once you reach a point where there's not a lot to say, it's rather boring and depressing for both sides of conversation. I hate to say it, but you either have to just live with your "new" existence or find a clinician to whom you can speak. Then there's always posting to this forum because most of us are in similar situations. :) Don't block your friends, there may come a time when you'll be able to enjoy each others' company again!

Sadly your friends can't relate to what you are going though. That doesn't make them a bad friend. You have a friend who tries to give you advise and you just shoot it down. She is trying and you don't see it or appreciate it.

When I got divorced back in 1999 it consumed my life. It was all I talked about and after awhile my friends got tired of hearing about it. They couldn't relate. I didn't drop them as friends.

To have a friend you have to be one. If it all about you and your issues all the time you are not being a friend to them. It is a two way street. Sure sometimes one person benefits more than the other but there still has to be a give and take.

I developed a good friend in a coworker because we were both dealing with a difficult elderly parent. We also had the same mindset that that we refused to let this consume or life. She said I was the only person she could be totally honest with about how she felt dealing with her mother. It was assumed a woman should give up her life to care for an elderly parent and act as if it was some sort of blessing to do so and we both knew it wasn't.

Our first child was born with a major birth defect and has had several surgeries along with various complications. We quickly learned of the limits of how much friends and even family wanted, and still want, to hear about it all. It seems people unconsciously think it could rub off on them, or they don’t know what to say, or a myriad of other reason it makes them uncomfortable. If we cut off everyone who didn’t respond the way we’d like we’d have no one left. Sometimes you just have to overlook the shortcomings of others and extend some grace. Share a limited amount and change topics, be grateful for friends to talk with about other things. Yes, it can be hurtful, but losing relationships is also hurtful. I wish you peace

We are in Caring alone. I know when people asked how Mom was doing it was being polite. They really did not want details.

I had a friend who complained all the time about her life. Any suggestions made to help improve it were shot down. It comes down to, if your going to complain, be ready for suggestions. Are you saying at the time a suggestion is being made "that won't work because". At 73 I am finding its better to say "I may try that" or "sounds good". If later your asked if the suggestion worked...not with my parents. And, people get tired of listening to negative things. Its not they don't care or understand but it maybe depressing to them.

And people have their lives.

i post my true feelings on this blog and ask for advice here. I try not to be a Debbie downer with my friends. This is a situation that can’t be fixed.

If asked I will tell my friends what is happening with my caregiving slog and am quick to change the subject. When I am with my friends I want to not think about it. I prefer to hear about their lives.

Everyone has their crosses to bear in life, I try to remember that mine is no larger than most peoples’.

I had a "friend" who had major issues with her health and lack of family support. It didn't matter that I experienced a major health ailment in 2019 that has left permanent damage. My mother was failing. She couldn't discuss my feelings because it brought back sadness relating to her mother's passing years ago. I basically never got a word in because I had a husband. I was not alone. Compared to her I was financially better off. There was never an issue I had that she could discuss because everything in her life was so much worse. That didn't mean I wasn't experiencing sadness. Finally we stopped communicating for which I am really grateful. She would actually snap at me when she grew frustrated even if I was trying to offer suggestions. If people are not there for you then they are not worth having in your life. Just think hard. What help are they really providing you? I imagine the answer is now zero. Why do you need zero help from anyone?

It's like listening to someone who talks about their spouse and grandchildren over and over again 24/7. Women are good at doing this. As time wears on, friends back away.

Being a friend is a two way street, many times caregivers lose their focus, their life, as they are so absorbed with their LO and their issues.

I have two in homes, one AL the other MC, if asked, I will give a brief update, that is it, I actually never bring them up otherwise as everyone has their own crosses to bear.

Might be time to get a little therapy to work through the issue. Take care!

Penny4, I believe that Sadinroanokeva is making a really valid point. Friends do get tired of our situations. Caregiving can last a long time and really isn't that much fun. I was thinking recently that most friends and family have grown tired of how long my family's situation is lasting. We end up on these forums looking for people who do understand.

MD1748's thoughts on friends changing throughout our lives is such a valid point. We need new friends to support our new situations, friends that can identify with our struggles.

There was a children's song about making new friends while keeping the old. Both are equal treasures.

Friends tire of our situation. Mine say “you NEED to expect good days and bad days.. I found me resenting their lack of caring. I hired a mental health counselor. She is paid to listen and she gives real advice.. Friends want fun friends around them….just a fact. I also think many friends are elderly themselves and perhaps dementia scares them and this mom chatter makes them worry about their forgetfulness!

Your “oldest friend (23 years) gave me a bunch of suggestions that didn't work because she doesn't understand my parents”. Perhaps depending on how you said it, ‘that won’t work, you don’t understand’ came across as a real put down, rude enough to terminate the attempts to stay in touch. If your friends really didn’t understand, talking about it over and over again perhaps got to be a bit much – a waste of time for both of you. How much effort did you put into talking about something interesting for your friends?

Unless you have good supply of new potential friends, it might be worth considering what you could do differently and have another try with these people who have known you for such a long time. Carers get sick of their relations who can talk about nothing but themselves and their ailments. It can work the other way too.

Seems like they wrote you off first, and I can't blame them.

At least one tried to be helpful, yet you seem to have dismissed her attempts.

Their job is to be your friends, not to solve your mom's issues or even be an endless sounding board for your woes. Are YOU being a good friend?

It's too bad you wrote them off so easily, but that may show how good a friend you really are. In my world friends forgive and go easy on one another.

Penny, I am sorry about your mother's poor health. It must be hard on you.

About your friends, what did you have in common before your mom's issue? What did you use to talk about?

Your friends are very young. Being in their 20s, this is the time when most people are having fun, starting out their careers, looking forward to their bright future, and NOT having to worry about or take care of sick relatives.

When you talked to your friends, besides talking about your mother, what else did you talk about? Did you talk about other things that they were interested in, about what was going on with their lives?

Most friendships end when there are no longer anything in common.

Your friends don't understand what you're going through. That's not their fault, they have not and are not in similar situations like yours, so they can't understand. I am sure you didn't know what it was like having a sick mother until you have a sick mother.

Move on with your life. Maybe later on, your paths will cross again and perhaps each of you have gained more life experience, and have more in common, then you can rekindle your friendship.

esophageal cancer is not fun. Years ago, my FIL had it. Had the cadilac of surgery back in the day.. His whole inside was rearranged.. Awful...feeding tube etc. don't know why he got it.. He did not smoke, nor did he drink... stress?

My friend just went through radiation and chemo for her esophageal cancer. She says it felt like she was being burned from the outside ,, in... and she still smokes.. sad...

Not sure what procedure was better the cutting and removing parts, and reattaching things... or radiation and chemo..

Radiation she says affected her teeth, saliva glands, and she cannot swallow too well, she will choke... Perhaps that is why your mom is on feeding tube.. That is not fun... and you still need to worry mom doesn't get dry mouth..

Prayers are with you...

DON'T BLOCK THEM especially 23 years of friendship. They probably feel hopeless not knowing how to help you. Honestly.. when we get older, we change. I mean, I think we did really damn good job in distancing ourselves from our friends..

REALLY DAMN GOOD... :(

Don' make that mistake, please. We used to have BBQ's etc. Nobody...we can har the crickets outside. It is so easy to isolate yourself...

Nobody wants to hear it. It's the same story, but another day... They don't understand what it takes for you to get through this day with MOM. It hurts..

Friends want you to be uplifting back up and happy... We can't do that when our loved ones are compromised... and we are here to worry about them, take care of them as well as we can..

Positive affirmations in the morning... some how some way...

But we need to consider our friends and not drag them down either. Practice Smiling around them? smile and tell a fun story.

If they ask about mom, just keep it short... I am glad you asked... Thank you for caring... Leave it at that.

Anyway, friends are harder to get the older we get. Isolating yourself is not good. It's tough... very tough... but let yourself have a little break in the week... see your friends... They are not used to this, and they don't understand, they just want you to be "normal" again... smile.. keep them in your corner...
come here to clear your mind.. It's what this platform was built for, I believe... It has helped me over the years.
It has helped a lot of people over the years. You are not alone, NOT AT ALL.

Do your whining here..... get it off your chest; go have a wine day with your friends, and come back and tell us how your day went :)