Forcing help. Any suggestions?

You know what....? The older I get, the more I hate to have to many people around me. I have never been a GROUPIE person. Maybe your mom is totally happy with herself and knowing that you are there if she needs anything. I will probably be your mom someday soon. When my Partner passes I will have to disconnect my phone as my kids will not stop begging me to move near them. I DON"T WANT TO...but I would think they would finally get it. I am completely happy with my memories. That may be your mom. You are very lucky that she wants to live near you and not with you. I would not put that on my kids unless I did not know what I was doing...

This does sound very much like the dementia has kicked in full force. The drugs given to help slow down symptoms (such as Aricept and Namenda) seems to help about 30% of the people who take it. Some get worse because of side effects. So that needs to be watched. If you didn't see improvement, you might want to talk to the doctor about weaning her off of it and see what happens. There's never a reason to take a drug that does no good but is causing potential harm.

You're right in that you have decisions to make for her care. Since she lives so close, some in-home help may be enough for awhile. At least she's asking for help with her bills so that, I believe is progress. However, she could change her mind about that tomorrow.

Hang in and keep updating. The more that the community knows about your situation the more accurate the information (and compassion for you: )
Carol

Sorry I haven't replied, I was in the back of beyond camping and unable to access a cell phone signal, much less Internet.o

Mom is labeled as mild cognitive impairment but is on the cusp of dementia according to tests. Her doctor has her on Aricept but to be honest I doubt it has any effect. She definitely has depression and is on two antidepressants and sees a shrink for med management but refuses counseling. Shrink is aware of issues as I went to an appointment with her and told the shrink.
She has finally agreed to let me handle her online bill pay as every time she tried there was numerous mistakes. Today she brought over stuff for me to process and admitted she now needs help due to her tax screw up. Progress? I don't know. The stranger thing is she went and had her hair cut super short after wearing it very long (middle of her back) and putting up a fuss when I've been harassing her to cut it say to her shoulders. I haven't been in her house in over a week, but today she said her kitchen was terrible so I'm sure it is.

Mom lives right next door in the rental house behind ours. I can literally see her standing at her kitchen sink from my back door. She moved to WI from AR about three years ago to be near me (I'm an only child). I think she realized she needed more help as husband and I really began to realize her issues were getting bad at that point (she's been "off" since having an aneurysm in '99). Mom has no connections in our town as she does nothing social at all, no church, no senior center etc despite all my urging and even going with her to a senior group once! Mom has frankly alienated many of her friends as well because she gets it Her craw that "I called last it's his/her turn" etc, even blaming a lifelong family friend that has Alzheimer's in a nursing home for not calling her!
I logical understand it's not HER but dang it's hard to separate the woman who made me clean my room from the woman who will now let dirty dishes sit a week.

Jude, what turned me into a swivel-eyed it'spoliticalcorrectnessgonemad!!! loon was when my DIL's grandmother, who had galloping Alzheimer's, at long long last got her care needs assessment; and the OT who turned up at the family home to do that was deaf, and accompanied by a signing interpreter. For an 85 year old client with severe Alzheimer's. You can imagine the fun they had.

I have a friend who has organised HER church friends to help her clean her mother's cess pit - I don't mean literally her cess pit I mean her home which is cluttered beyond belief.
For the last 6 weekends they have emptied a room between them. Anything that could be washed was washed, anything that could be laundered was laundered and anything that was past redemption was trashed. Then this darling group boxed and labelled everything but before they did they laid it out and took a picture of it - someone else put it into the computer and did a full a4 print out of it and put it on the front of the box. Then they cleaned the walls the ceilings the paintwork and the floors were cleaned using one of those pro cleaner things. All the boxes were put back once the carpets were dry with the pictures facing front. It wasn't entirely what they wanted to achieve but the improvement is amazing. Marvellous what 16 women and 2 men can achieve for a very lovely but ailing and failing lady and her daughter

Oregon about 5 years now but only really full on for the last 2-3 but I also taught care skills to care home carers which given some of their skills we renamed scare kills . I saw enough to never want my mum in any of the ones we could afford. The owners pay the very least they can and expect perfect carers - it is never going to happen and in UK the main issue is they don't speak English and people with dementia find it hard enough getting to grips with anything anyone says let alone when it is said in almost unintelligible English.

It infuriates me that they don't have to pass a test and it infuriates me even more when I am called a racist for commenting. I am not never have been and never will be a racist but I strongly believe that there are standards that need to be met and for the elderly and especially those with dementia speaking clear plain English is a standard that needs to be met.

Im am definitely on a rant today. Mum seems so much better - I even got her in the shower then at tea time I said we are having scampi (its one of her favorite meals) whats scampi she said....hmmm perhaps not much better then!

I guess you and your husband have two chooses interference or ignore it but talk it over with him if for the most part she is pretty normal let her live as she is she will love you more for that as for messy homes its commons hey they say you have to eat a peck of dirt before you die real don't make your life any more crazy then it is however if she's has friend who will pich in or a church group good if she'sold or unwell she can have a cleaner come to pick her up a bite if you see a ss worker or a health worker at her doctor it cost nothing as for her taxs she has learned her lesson ask her with out making her feel stupid or foolish if you and her can have a taxpayers party tell her you will be glad to help her with her tax or you will double ck them for her so the fusssy tax people will not send them back next yr bbecause the wrong box was marked and yes you can ck she has her house taxs up to date and if not gently remind her to pay she will love your help

Jude, I knew that...I have seen these questions in the past. They are great questions, but I wondered if I could even pass the test. Just because I am so busy and tired. That's all.... You always come up with so much good. How long have you been taking care of your Mom?

The nurse was here last night and we suspected he had a small stroke. She did some physical things that gave her the determination that she felt he did NOT have a stoke. He is just not able to speak clearly anymore.

I do have a question however, He was sleeping this morning and he made terrible faces like he saw something bad, felt something bad....The contortions made me wonder if this is something to do with the Parkinsons. What do you think ?

You have received some great ideas and advice, I will just endorse that this is NOT early stages of dementia.
You also have identified your ability to help and not . Which is great. your own family NEED you more.But sneaky action is needed NOW, get her identified and maybe treatment to help, organise cleaning packing, BUT do not shift her from her house if she is still capable of coping, even 48hrs away can make matters worse.
Yes there will be tears and abuse and blaming. so pad those shoulders with newpaper, cardboard and metal , try tiding/cleaning the peripheral areas first to make room to put the 'junk' from the part she is living in....... so that you are getting the house ready for winter/summer etc as tho you do it every season.
My mother's dementia got hidden in the fact she could still clean, do washing etc and that is what she did EVERY day, Id find washing on her line done about 3am as it needed doing. It had been her life for the past 60 yrs so she carried on. I swear some of her towels never ever got to the linen cupboard but went straight from line back into machine again
Only thing is her food dishes of course were dirty if they had prepared food on them, so they got washed and the food got wasted
So one can never win.

Depending on what is causing your mom's problem, you may not be able to convince her to let you help. Some medical issues can be treated, but if it is dementia, you aren't likely to get her to understand and cooperate with your efforts. Eventually, that might happen, but it will be down the road.

With dementia, there are stages and in the beginning your are likely to see resistance and denial. Later, the patient may show no resistance, because they forget how and don't have the skills to refuse help.

I think I would go and visit with your mom for at least a day or two. Really observe how she is functioning. Is she able to remember when meals are to be prepared, where the dishes are kept, how to work the stove, etc. Is she taking her meds. You might count the pills and see if they align with the date they were filled by the pharmacy.

Find out as much about her daily life and abilities as you can. You may be surprised. Look for post it notes with lots of reminders. Look for lots of unopened mail and lots of products like 30 bottles of lotion. This information will help her doctor when she consults with him.

You might also speak with neighbors to see if they have noticed anything odd. My loved one would throw banana peels in the yard for no reason. Later she would visit neighbors and tell them she had no food, which was not true. She had no memory of this.

I would get a good picture of just what you are looking at when approaching her doctor. Even if she won't allow him to give you information, you can give her doctor information. You might offer to go with her under the pretext of wanting to get referrals for yourself. Tell her you want to check on some problems you have been having. You can actually type up a letter to hand him right before the consult. I did that and my loved one's doctor was very responsive and said it was quite helpful.

If you can determine the cause, at least you can prepare yourself for helping her.

WHOA its not my test ...these are the questions they asked my mum when they did her assessment - the better consultants do three tests at different times of day because otherwise you don't have a true picture

Winnie, I totally understand your mom's point of view. My kids are forever begging me to sell the house and move in with them. NEVER going to happen. I do full time care for my Partner and it is exhausting. I know I speak for others on here that the job is never done and it seems like you never slept. I decided to hire a housekeeper to help with my house. I am a rigid organized person (except for my office). I agree that it is easier to keep a clean and organized house clean. Recently, I have been failing at that. I get close to hiring someone and then cancel.

It is not just your mom, it is everyone. We like control of our surroundings. People here have given you excellent suggestions. The little white lie works SO WELL.

Boy Jude, I am so tired today I don't think I could pass your test. He goes on Hospice tomorrow.

Par if they actually test her it will be very obvious - they ask simple things like count backwards from a hundred in 3s or say the months of the year backwards or what date is it, who is the president, what year did ww2 start. they give them a list of things to remember and then ask them at the end of the test. You would think all was well but Mum thinks it is 2007, she had no idea of the date could manage one or two count backwards but not many, had no idea of the date, didn't know roughly what time it is and thought Maggie Thatcher was still prime minister of UK which is worrying since we live in UK and MT is dead. Hey ho

I would always ask my mom if she needed help cleaning and she would say she JUST had. Really mom? So, I did the same as above and started out slowly. She would not hear of someone coming in and cleaning HER house! Dad would take her out and I would do what I could in the amount of time I had. Then, as she progressed we would take her out or bring her to my house for quite a while and let the professionals come in. To be honest, I don't think she even realized it was so clean but my dad did and was so relieved. And yes.....that's exactly what it is.....therapeutic/creative fibbing. I also agree that she needs to be reassessed or diagnosed with geriatric doctor. It needs to be for more than a 10 minute appt. My mom could "trick" anyone into thinking she was just fine in the first 10 minutes of talking to her but after that a person could see she wasn't fine. Plus her appearance and hygiene went down the tubes from years of being a beautiful and well kept woman. Good Luck and God Bless

you sound stressed, i.m sorry to hear.
Have you thought that your Mom is displaying classic symptoms of depression. I know because I have bipolar disorder signified by poor concentration, lost motivation, lack of caring about household condition and personal hygiene, and cannot enjoy what once was enjoyable, low energy, irritability. Depression in seniors can have serious physical consequences
.
There is no need for someone's house to be pristine. Perhaps your estimation of what presentable is may not be the same for others. In my view, there are things we can just let go of.
I have all my daily needs set up around my armchair so I don't have to get up. That includes a was paper basket within arms reach, footstool, kleenex, lotion, nail clippers, lamp, Qtips, radio, TV remote, etc.

Depression in Elderly is something to Google and download a pdf for a number of pages of statistics, signs to look for, symptoms, and helpful strategies. I cannot give a link. Sorry.

Look for groups that can help support you and meet regularly to exchange like stories and find out wht has worked for others. You can also access seniors' outreach services.

OMG check the property taxes to see if they are paid. Too many seniors resent paying taxes and toss the bill. Then they lose the house at the county tax auction. Seriously.

Tough assignment for you....My take is that Mom is doing what folks with dementia do Being perplexed on your part is natural. Being enraged by some behavior is not in your best interest. Reason? That;s what folks in her condition do and you can't do anything about it as far as changing her habits.
How you can change her? you can't. "Change me, bless them" is a good prayer. You may find that a doctor telling her that would work. It may be possible to explain that making you her POA is in her best interests because if she falls ill, she would not be able to sign documents on her own.

In ten years and more of caregiving, I learned very early to accept the behavior of the missus as "logical" to her. If I can't figure out what she wants, I say, "Well, you know what a dummy I am. I am sorry, but I just don't get it. Let's try again to understand one another."

It seems almost certain that she is not going to get better, only gradually worse.
Learning to be patient, at least on the outside, is in your best interests.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

I have a slightly different approach. For my new clients, I find one who is a good fit with a loved one. Then we do everything to make them feel comfortable, such as arriving with an item they like,e.g. Starbucks, flowers, magazines. When they feel we are like a friend to them, we begin to clean. We make it sound like another friend is coming to help. Then I take the loved one out of her house, while the cleaner works. Often, the loved is total amazed by the difference. We are careful to keep their most valued items in their place. So if the loved one read magazines at the dining room table, then we leave a small stack of them. We also use lavender Febreze and other lavender-smelling cleaning products, so the loved on can smell the difference. A deep cleaning of rugs, drapes, bedding, all surfaces makes a house smell so much better. Often a loved one breathes better because the embedded dust and dirt are gone. I recognize that my solution won't work for everyone. But I do believe it is better if the loved one does not see her family member cleaning. If you can afford it, have someone come in 1-3 hours M,W,F to do spot cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Regular attention will make a huge difference in reducing the frustration of keeping a house at least presentable.

All good advice, JudeAH53! I'm so glad that you mentioned the POA. People should get that done very early but if Winnie's mother hasn't assigned her or someone POA that needs to be done NOW.
Take care my friends. Support works.
Carol

Hi Winnie
I don't have a clue as to your financial status or your mum's so please bear with me on that. If you can afford it or mores to the point if she can why don't you get her to come to you for a couple of days or to a friend's or take her away for two days while hubby looks after boys (basically anything so she is out of the house) and then get cleaners in to deep clean the whole house - carpets window woodwork the whole shebang (I might add they may do a deal if you got yours done at the same time which if you hate housework might lift a bit for you - much easier to keep a house clean than to get it clean in the first instance).

Yes it will involve some upfront work for you and hubby but not as much as is wearing you out now and you will have a fantastic end result. Then tell her that for a birthday present you have organised a lady to come and clean once a week for a month so you can see whether you like it or not.

You need to arrange a POA for her so that someone who DOES know what they are doing can do returns etc for her but there will be a cost attached so be warned up front.

I also think you are kidding yourself - this sounds more than the early stages of dementia...when Mum was in the early stages she functioned quite well not so much as time went on - you need to get her reassessed - all dementias follow different patterns for different people and no two people are alike although they are, to some extent, similar in that they all progress (Albeit at different rates for the individual)

Either that or you could visit your mum with a cleaner and you spend time with your mum while the cleaner cleans - dump it on her as a surprise or an I love you Mum present.

Finally Winnie don't be enraged by her be enrage by the disease that is dementia - it is a long and very tiring road and it is pointless getting het up about things you cannot control - Remember the first lines of the serenity prayer and trust me I am not remotely religious but I think the words are words of wisdom

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace

Don't get hung up on stuff that you can change act to change them and ease your path and your mum's a little xxxxx

Hi WinnieinWI,
You didn't mention your mother's age or whether she has been diagnosed with dementia. Medications, underlying infections and stress are just three of the issues people can have that will cause dementia-like behavior. It would be good if your mother could have her medications reviewed and a complete physical in case there is something going on that is causing her to be more confused and perhaps less interested in keeping up her house. She could even have issues with her eyes that could explain both of the situations that you mentioned, though you did say there were others than may not relate to eyes.

The reason I mention these things is that because of much needed awareness campaigns about dementia, it's now quite easy for adult children to immediately leap to the conclusion that their parent is developing dementia when other issues that are reversible should be addressed first.

Of course, your mother could be in early stages of dementia. In that case she will worsen and eventually need more help. Windyridge has offered solid advice.

Dementia or not, it's difficult for an elder to give up independence. The more heavy handed and demanding that their own standards are kept that the adult children are the more likely the elder is to refuse intervention.

It's difficult for you, I know. I've been in your shoes - raising children, keeping up my own home, working and trying to help multiple elders. We'd like to be efficient. Get things done and get on to the next demand on our time.

But this approach - which your intro about "forcing help" indicates may be yours even though you don't mean to be heavy-handed - backfires as often as not with it comes to aging parents. Grit your teeth and do your best to be patient and understanding. It's hard but a softer approach will pay off.

Please keep in touch with us. Whether or not this is dementia, people on this forum have a wealth of experience and are wonderful about sharing strength and compassion as well as advice.

Take care,
Carol

I should also add, " therapeutic fibbing". Sometimes it takes a little trickery. If I or Mom suggest that he go to the podiatrist for his horrible toenails he will flatly refuse, nothin wrong with my feet.......so, we just make the appointment, no disscussion, or arguing, don't even tell him, and on the day of the appointment Mom announces to him that it's time to do to the foot doc. He says, Huh...Well ok. Works most of the time.

This is so hard. I go through the same stuff with my Dad. He refuses to get the absolutely filthy carpets cleaned for example.

Mom and I tackle it two ways: clean, fix, etc while he's gone, or just do it anyway. He has a fit but forgets the whole episode by the next day. And it's so very hard to not get mad at him but it's not his fault, he just is unable to reason any longer.