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My father is a horribly selfish, hate filled, abusive alcoholic narcissist who has recently been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Thankfully, my mother FINALLY gave up and left him several years ago (probably much too late as she is little more than a burnt out shell of her long ago self and in need of help for PTSD resulting from decades of his abuse).....his latest affair was her last straw. He now lives with this woman he cheated with who is a mentally unstable, raging alcoholic. I had not spoken with my father for years as I truly hate him and he has never done a thing for me, his only child, in my entire life. I dropped out of school at 16 and worked 2 jobs just to save money up to get out of this man's house and away from his abuse. Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. Well, I contacted members of his family and NO ONE will help him. The woman he lives with is there to use him for free alcohol and a free place to stay as she has no job or income and feels it is MY job to care for BOTH of them. WOW. I've discovered while going through his papers that he has blown tens of thousands of dollars in the last few years on this woman and her daughter and grandsons....meanwhile I live paycheck to paycheck and am the primary caregiver to my spouse who has a serious mental illness ( which has caused a very unstable employment situation for him). My father NEVER offered any help, no Christmas gifts, no calls ....NOTHING. Funny how neither she nor her family has lifted a finger to help him.....and I'm now the primary care coordinator for him. I got him into a program so he could get top notch cancer care for FREE. I'm fighting his battle for disability and Medicaid. I'm missing work to shuttle him everywhere. I'm begging charities for help....and every day I ask myself why I bother? I hate him....I really do. Being around him fills me with pain and anger. He has never acknowledged all he has done to me. He is still as he always was.... He doesn't even ask how I'm doing or any other little thing about myself. He allows the woman he lives with to talk to me any kind of way. He is also a pathological liar and he plays games and trys to manipylate me, his doctors, everyone. He makes everything a struggle purposefully declaring "everything will be my way!" One example of this: one of his doctors told him he had an infection and to begin taking the antibiotic on a Saturday. He waited until Monday to begin the meds, stating " i've had the infection this long....a few more days won't hurt. I'll take the pills when im good and ready!" SMH... I guess I feel obligated as there is no one else to do anything. Is there anyone else out there attempting to provide care for their abuser? How do you handle it? Should I just give up and let the chips fall where they may? I'm very tired and depressed.

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JJ (((TIGHT HUG)))!!!!
it will be hard for you,because you have been 'trained' , but Oh do I know those eyes you saw very well. I also know about the mental breakdowns because of advocating for someone like that. Accept you will never receive what you need from him (or anyone else) You need, like i do, to get therapy and the tools to use on how to live.
NO GUILT.
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Good for you, JuicysJoi that you got to witness for yourself. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired change occurs.
We often make the mistake of thinking people will be kind or reasonable if given the oportunidad pero no.
Some people are evil. Jesus did not waste his time trying to heal nonbelievers. He told some of them that they were of their father, the devil.
We must not cast pearls before swine.
Glad you have moved on with your life. Finally, relinquish POA. You do not need to be involved at all.
Let the chips fall!
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Just one more thing. Ask a therapist to help you understand the grief from never having him love you. Then talk about forgiveness with her.It is the greatest gift you cangive your self. Yourself, not him.
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Alcoholism, personality disorders are illnesses,no different than his cancer. We really know so little about the brain, and we are taught that we can all control our behavior if only we wanted to, if only we tried. Being an addict and having a mental illness is so destructive to the person, but also to the family. And because we don't understand the physical nature of the illnesses that causes the terrible, hurtful, abusive behavior, we think these people are purposely trying to destroy us. When your brain is sick behavior is beyond control.
Thia does not mean that you have to try to take care of dad. You do not have the ability to do this because of many things including his behavior towards you.
Would it make sense to you to do major surgery on him just bacasuse he won't agree to see a surgeon?
So you are absolutely right. You can not care for him anymore than you could transplant anew heart into his chest.
So tell him he's too ill, and you can't help. You didn't make him sick and you can't cure him.
Then get some help to get rid of the hate and fury. His behavior towards you has been very hurtful, and you deserved more. But he, his brain, was so sick he could not do it. Would you continue to hate him because he has cancer?
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Don't give him any more power. As an abused child, I feel so strongly for you. My mom now has dementia and it's hard enough to care for someone you truly love. My excuse for a father abused me and my mother. The only good thing about losing her memory is she has forgotten his cruelty. At 60 yrs old, I still haven't. The past wasn't your fault, but the future, is what we make of it.
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c1c2etc - if your husband expects you to tend his abusive mom, maybe he's not the man you thought he was. I think he will be completely understanding. It's his mom and he knows how she can be. She is, and you, strong, independent woman you are, are NOT going to lie down and take her running over you.

Time to say no more. You don't have to find her a place either, not your fight. My feeling is that if your hubby even let on that you were involved with looking that she would turn against the place immediately. Just step back and let the family deal with it. You can be incredibly loving and understanding to your husband, but stay out of the family troubles.

Bless you.
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c1c2c3c4c5c6, in spite of being a miserable excuse for a mother-in-law, this woman deserves care. She did somehow manage to raise the man you love, after all.

She is obviously not getting the care she thinks she deserves from you. She is not happy with it at all. So, don't you think that in order to do right by her you (or rather her son) needs to find a different care arrangement for her? Of course it will be very difficult (impossible) to find a care center that has no staff who are black or Muslim or Asian or whatever her hate-group du jour is, but, hey, at least you won't be the one making her miserable.

Presumably your husband loves you and knew you were black when he married you and knew this would not please his mother. I assume he is very much in love and a pretty strong guy. So it goes without saying that as well as arranging care for his mother that will make her happier he will be very anxious to make arrangements that will make you happier.

Start looking for a suitable care center. If MIL needs Medicaid to afford it, help her apply. If she can pay for it herself, then just help her locate someplace (if she wants help).

Good-bye MIL.
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c1-c6 - don't take care of your MIL any longer. You do not deserve her insulting you, tell your husband you are done & that he needs to man up and do something about her insulting you. I can't believe people put up with this kind of abuse for so long - it just keeps feeding the bad dog (MIL). Enough
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Walk away, get counseling and NEVER LOOK BACK. Your father made his choices all of the years he mistreated you and your mom, wouldn't cooperate in his own care, and had no consideration for you or your family. No guilt. You have given enough. It won't change. Save yourself.
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I am so sorry that things had to get so bad for you. IT seems as through your Dad has a mental illness or at the very least a Personality Disorder.
You are absolutely right to walk away and never look back without one iota of guilt.
Hugs to you, it is a very difficult position you have been in.
My Dad was Narcissistic and Bi Polar. He abused everyone who ever tried to love him. None of my 4 siblings would have anything to do with him when he became ill.
Luckily I was able to separate myself after the first couple years and when he went to a Nursing Home I walked away. All decisions were made over the phone with Hospice.
Done and Done. I have no regrets. I tried for many years to love him, and after that I tried to be there as his daughter. Some people are just so crazy or mean that they deserve the life they are dealt and we must preserve our own mental and emotional well being and walk away.
Be at Peace......
You have earned it.
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Some people abuse others just because they can - it gives them a sense of power over a person they perceive is weaker. It isn't personal - they need to feel they are in control and get satisfaction when they hurt because they are mentally flawed. (Look at the "bullies" on the playground - they home in on the weak.A kid can fight back and if they win the fight the bully finds another victim. When an adult has established an ongoing relationship of being the abuser and always wins, there is only one course of action. Walk away and don't look back. That is how you win.
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Walk away NOW and stay away
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I have a similar situation with a twist. I am the primary caregiver for my mi who has dementia. She is very verbally abusive to me. She has assaulted me several times as well. My situation s a bit different. My mother in law is a angry white woman evenbefore the dementia. So here is the thing..Not only am I at wits end, I have to have nasty racial insults hurled at me on a regular basis. I am her black dil who has ben married to her son for 25 yrs, No one else wants to help her. I am trying my hardest, but it is starting to make me ill.
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You must take care of yourself.
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JuicySJoi, what a total jerk. It is hard to think that you are even related to him. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. You'll never have to wonder what would have happened. He made his own bed and you don't have to lie in it.
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Thanks for the update. I am glad that the game is over and you are finally leaving. Go in peace and live!
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Update: I am sorry to inform you that I have (until 2 days ago) been busting my butt in overdrive getting my father the care he has needed. You were all correct that I have suffered endless abuse from both of them for the last year and a half and he still does not care for me. I guess i had to prove it to myself. The last straw happened 2 days ago. He has just started on hospice which he ONLY requested due to my telling him a month ago that I could no longer provide ANY assistance to him which required me to be in his presence. I told him this in front of his doctors and advised he would need to make his own appointments and take the FREE transportation I set up. He then asked for hospice. I let his doctors know I am on the verge of a breakdown from all the hours i spend watching him lie to them...create crises and intentionally sabotoge his OWN care. My nerves are shredded. I am sure the cry for hospice was meant to be a guilt trip....but i called his bluff. I set up the meeting and he told the social worker no more chemo and signed the papers. He CHOSE the time/day for nurse visits...wrote it on the calendar and i called the night before to remind him. He then proceeded to NOT OPEN THE DOOR for the nurse who knocked 30 minutes. He refused to answer the phone for anyone. When i ran over there thinking he was DEAD...he casually opened the door like it was ALL GOOD. He made up stupid excuses...he did that ON PURPOSE. I called the hospice social worker and told her I AM DONE! I am changing my phone number and NEVER looking back. I have POA and i will sign papers if hospice calls but NOT A THING ELSE. When i confronted him about his abuse to me and my mother all his lufe he said "so what?" After 2 years of helping him...the thanks i got from him was " i didn't ask for your help anyway so your issues are not my fault" WOW. And his eyes were ICE cold. I will never see or speak to him again. GAME OVER.
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STOP! you are allowed to walk away, Child guilt is a horrible thing. I believe it stems from our never feeling loved by that Narcissist Parent.
If we are perfect, try harder, be better, take care of them,. or do the next right thing, maybe then and finally they will love us.
Sadly this will never happen.
NEVER EVER HAPPEN.

So now that the expectation is gone. Its time to move on with your own life.
You have already set the wheels in motion for him to have treatment. Drop him off at her place and say GOODBYE.
It is ok to be done with him.
You have to tell yourself it's ok.
You can still be a legal advocate for him and make phones calls to get him some help, but you must realize that you don't need to see him in person or drive him places or do personal caregiving.
It could hurt you far more than it will benefit him. There are some support groups for adult children of alcoholics, that may be able to help you process what it is like to be stuck in the middle. Feeling torn between what you think your obligation is to him, and how much hurt you are suffering from being in this role is horrible.
Perhaps an Al-Anon meeting or two could help you to be able to develop healthy boundaries and say enough is enough.
My Dad was a Narcissist and Alcoholic. He had several strokes and eventually Dementia. I worked at getting him into a safe facility and Medicaid as well as Veterans Benefits but in no uncertain terms was not in any way share or form going to take on his lifelong issues.
He eventually lived in a Nursing home for the last years and none of his family or my 4 siblings ever had anything to do with him.
I made his medical and financial decisions but was not subjected to his mental and psychological impairment. I just couldn't take it. He had been estranged for almost 30 years from our family. When the last few women he hooked up with threw him out, and the stroke rehab facility said he couldn't live alone anymore he landed in my lap. I couldn't manage his mental illness and drinking behavior so I found a facility that would take him.
Please do this for yourself. Set healthy boundaries. Only do what you can for him with paperwork and legal issued but spare yourself the emotional upheaval, PTSD and potential for future harm by staying at arm's length.
He chose his life, he got himself to this place. He burned all his own bridges.
You can't ever change him but you can accept the fact that he is who he is and it is not your fault that he cannot love anyone but himself.
My heart goes out to you, and hearing your story brings back all those old hurts.
You can move forward and feel ok that you have done enough, but you might need a little support to get there. Please reach out.
You can personal message me if you want some information on resources that may be helpful.
Hugs to you.
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You owe him nothing. He is not your responsibility. You are free of him after a miserable childhood. Walk away. Let the state take care of him. Do not let guilt or relatives try to override what you know to be true, you should NOT do this. There is no law that requires you to do this. Walk away or you will be sorry and no one is going to thank you for bearing the brunt of more abuse. Don't do it.
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Simply say, "NO!" and walk away. You have no obligation to anyone except yourself and your husband. Period. End of sentence. Take care!
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Run, don't walk away, run like crazy. You owe him nothing and all that abuse you got as a child you will get again if you stay. You do owe yourself to not let you be abused again. Please love yourself enough to shed any guilt that they are using on you! You were a victim don't be one again.
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No. Just no. Even states with filial responsibility laws mostly have an exception for the victims of abuse. If you are going to try to have any replationship at all - and it must NOT be to become a full time caregiver to these two people - go to Al-Anon first and find out what the limits are on what you can do for a fellow human being whose life is still ruled by their addiction. STOP taking time off work for him. Other transportation is usually available. And the people trying to guilt you into becoming a full-time caregiver - where do they get off telling you to do what they are unwilling to take on themselves??!!? If you can help him get his Medicaid card, great. He then has access to care and transportation. If he has metastatic cancer, then you'd think he could get help from hospice when he is in greater need of it. If he does not do what needs to be done to live independently as he always has, your obligation should probably end with a call to Social Services about two adults who are unable to take care of themselves and who have alienated the one person who still cared enough to try and help by their behavior. Their ludicrously inflated sense of entitlement does not make it your job or your duty.
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Veronica, you said it - forgiveness is for us! Just like prayer, it changes our hearts and outlook. Letting go the hurts and getting on with life is what happens when you forgive. Trying to work to get blood from a turnip or love from a narcissist is like trying to work for our salvation - useless! Great to see a sister on here. :)
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You are NOT responsible for this man's care at this point in your life, nor have you ever been. He gave you nothing - you are not honor-or-duty-dound to give him anything back. No one on earth would blame you for walking away and never looking back.

Do for YOU - let him do for himself.
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Surprise gave you many good things to think about! All great answers. Forgiveness is not for the person who has wronged us. It is primarily for us, to make our hearts more in tune with our God. This is tough to understand, but true. You have done all you can do. Follow what these other loving people have suggested and take care of your own family. In Peace. Have a Blessed Christmas!!
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JJ, how are you doing?

I read your post -

"...Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. "

- and I wanted to stop you right there. At this point you laughed loudly and answered her with "don't be ridiculous", yes?

Sadly, no. But now, having read the pretty much unanimous responses to your experience and all of the support for you and your own positive response to that support, I'm hopeful. So, again, how are you doing? Please update.
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Veronica - My dear mthr passed out my number as a referral for every telemarketer who called her. She also called from other people's cell phones, and from hotels. If there was a MLM scheme advertised, she'd submit my name and number. She was a pretty typical narcissist.

I'm simply suggesting that considering the ease with which we can change numbers, it would be great for the original poster to bypass the pain associated with the abuse of her phone number/s. People don't keep the same phone number for 50 years anymore.
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I think you can block phone numbers without the inconvenience of changing yours
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I was horribly abused by mthr (notice: "mthr" is missing something inside). When APS called the first time after we were estranged for 8 years, I started having flashbacks and nightmares: PTSD.

Dr. Laura says that when a parent abuses a kid, they tear up the mother (father) card and there is no moral obligation left. I have operated on that for years.

Dave Ramsey, the Christian Financial guy on the radio, said just the other week, if you love the dog, but if the dog bites you when you get close to it, you can still love the dog, but you should not get near it. My spin is that if you come close enough to allow the dog to bite, you are disrespecting that dog in giving it opportunity to misbehave. Respect your dad by staying away and not giving him the opportunity to sin against you.

Are you POA? - if so, you need to resign as such and file that with the clerk of court where the original POA is filed. Mail a copy of the registered POA resignation to everyone who matters: bank, hospital, doc. All this before you spring it on dad. I'm suspicious that you are not POA since he has a wife.

Step 2: Box up the records, put some of that pretty Christmas tape or Duck tape on the box so it looks like a present in the mail, and send it UPS, HIS signature required. Smile when you ship that box! Include the POA resignation and fthr's records in that box, which he will accept because he's a greedy Son Of a Dog and he wants a nice big heavy present! Notice is given when he signs, though I doubt you are really required to do anything but walk away. Your final act of kindness to him is sending that box.

You don't need to find someone to take your place. He painted himself into this corner - he can put on his big boy panties and manage. Wifey can call on some of her friends for a change. You are done! Knock the dirt off your feet and walk on.

Step 3, Change your phone numbers and only give them out to trusted friends.

It hurts so bad to be rejected by the people who are supposed to love us more than anything. It's so hard dealing with undiagnosed mental illness. Say that to anyone who tries to guilt you. It's true. Therapy with a counselor with experience with alcoholic families and childhood abuse survivors helps. I've gotten into an online support group for people who grew up with parents with my mthr's problem. I'm managing pretty doggone well.

Hugs, Ann
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Listen to your mother - she's the only relative you need to listen to...she knows the score with him.
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