My father is a horribly selfish, hate filled, abusive alcoholic narcissist who has recently been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Thankfully, my mother FINALLY gave up and left him several years ago (probably much too late as she is little more than a burnt out shell of her long ago self and in need of help for PTSD resulting from decades of his abuse).....his latest affair was her last straw. He now lives with this woman he cheated with who is a mentally unstable, raging alcoholic. I had not spoken with my father for years as I truly hate him and he has never done a thing for me, his only child, in my entire life. I dropped out of school at 16 and worked 2 jobs just to save money up to get out of this man's house and away from his abuse. Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. Well, I contacted members of his family and NO ONE will help him. The woman he lives with is there to use him for free alcohol and a free place to stay as she has no job or income and feels it is MY job to care for BOTH of them. WOW. I've discovered while going through his papers that he has blown tens of thousands of dollars in the last few years on this woman and her daughter and grandsons....meanwhile I live paycheck to paycheck and am the primary caregiver to my spouse who has a serious mental illness ( which has caused a very unstable employment situation for him). My father NEVER offered any help, no Christmas gifts, no calls ....NOTHING. Funny how neither she nor her family has lifted a finger to help him.....and I'm now the primary care coordinator for him. I got him into a program so he could get top notch cancer care for FREE. I'm fighting his battle for disability and Medicaid. I'm missing work to shuttle him everywhere. I'm begging charities for help....and every day I ask myself why I bother? I hate him....I really do. Being around him fills me with pain and anger. He has never acknowledged all he has done to me. He is still as he always was.... He doesn't even ask how I'm doing or any other little thing about myself. He allows the woman he lives with to talk to me any kind of way. He is also a pathological liar and he plays games and trys to manipylate me, his doctors, everyone. He makes everything a struggle purposefully declaring "everything will be my way!" One example of this: one of his doctors told him he had an infection and to begin taking the antibiotic on a Saturday. He waited until Monday to begin the meds, stating " i've had the infection this long....a few more days won't hurt. I'll take the pills when im good and ready!" SMH... I guess I feel obligated as there is no one else to do anything. Is there anyone else out there attempting to provide care for their abuser? How do you handle it? Should I just give up and let the chips fall where they may? I'm very tired and depressed.
You are absolutely right to walk away and never look back without one iota of guilt.
Hugs to you, it is a very difficult position you have been in.
My Dad was Narcissistic and Bi Polar. He abused everyone who ever tried to love him. None of my 4 siblings would have anything to do with him when he became ill.
Luckily I was able to separate myself after the first couple years and when he went to a Nursing Home I walked away. All decisions were made over the phone with Hospice.
Done and Done. I have no regrets. I tried for many years to love him, and after that I tried to be there as his daughter. Some people are just so crazy or mean that they deserve the life they are dealt and we must preserve our own mental and emotional well being and walk away.
Be at Peace......
You have earned it.
She is obviously not getting the care she thinks she deserves from you. She is not happy with it at all. So, don't you think that in order to do right by her you (or rather her son) needs to find a different care arrangement for her? Of course it will be very difficult (impossible) to find a care center that has no staff who are black or Muslim or Asian or whatever her hate-group du jour is, but, hey, at least you won't be the one making her miserable.
Presumably your husband loves you and knew you were black when he married you and knew this would not please his mother. I assume he is very much in love and a pretty strong guy. So it goes without saying that as well as arranging care for his mother that will make her happier he will be very anxious to make arrangements that will make you happier.
Start looking for a suitable care center. If MIL needs Medicaid to afford it, help her apply. If she can pay for it herself, then just help her locate someplace (if she wants help).
Good-bye MIL.
Time to say no more. You don't have to find her a place either, not your fight. My feeling is that if your hubby even let on that you were involved with looking that she would turn against the place immediately. Just step back and let the family deal with it. You can be incredibly loving and understanding to your husband, but stay out of the family troubles.
Bless you.
Thia does not mean that you have to try to take care of dad. You do not have the ability to do this because of many things including his behavior towards you.
Would it make sense to you to do major surgery on him just bacasuse he won't agree to see a surgeon?
So you are absolutely right. You can not care for him anymore than you could transplant anew heart into his chest.
So tell him he's too ill, and you can't help. You didn't make him sick and you can't cure him.
Then get some help to get rid of the hate and fury. His behavior towards you has been very hurtful, and you deserved more. But he, his brain, was so sick he could not do it. Would you continue to hate him because he has cancer?
We often make the mistake of thinking people will be kind or reasonable if given the oportunidad pero no.
Some people are evil. Jesus did not waste his time trying to heal nonbelievers. He told some of them that they were of their father, the devil.
We must not cast pearls before swine.
Glad you have moved on with your life. Finally, relinquish POA. You do not need to be involved at all.
Let the chips fall!
it will be hard for you,because you have been 'trained' , but Oh do I know those eyes you saw very well. I also know about the mental breakdowns because of advocating for someone like that. Accept you will never receive what you need from him (or anyone else) You need, like i do, to get therapy and the tools to use on how to live.
NO GUILT.