My father is a horribly selfish, hate filled, abusive alcoholic narcissist who has recently been diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Thankfully, my mother FINALLY gave up and left him several years ago (probably much too late as she is little more than a burnt out shell of her long ago self and in need of help for PTSD resulting from decades of his abuse).....his latest affair was her last straw. He now lives with this woman he cheated with who is a mentally unstable, raging alcoholic. I had not spoken with my father for years as I truly hate him and he has never done a thing for me, his only child, in my entire life. I dropped out of school at 16 and worked 2 jobs just to save money up to get out of this man's house and away from his abuse. Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. Well, I contacted members of his family and NO ONE will help him. The woman he lives with is there to use him for free alcohol and a free place to stay as she has no job or income and feels it is MY job to care for BOTH of them. WOW. I've discovered while going through his papers that he has blown tens of thousands of dollars in the last few years on this woman and her daughter and grandsons....meanwhile I live paycheck to paycheck and am the primary caregiver to my spouse who has a serious mental illness ( which has caused a very unstable employment situation for him). My father NEVER offered any help, no Christmas gifts, no calls ....NOTHING. Funny how neither she nor her family has lifted a finger to help him.....and I'm now the primary care coordinator for him. I got him into a program so he could get top notch cancer care for FREE. I'm fighting his battle for disability and Medicaid. I'm missing work to shuttle him everywhere. I'm begging charities for help....and every day I ask myself why I bother? I hate him....I really do. Being around him fills me with pain and anger. He has never acknowledged all he has done to me. He is still as he always was.... He doesn't even ask how I'm doing or any other little thing about myself. He allows the woman he lives with to talk to me any kind of way. He is also a pathological liar and he plays games and trys to manipylate me, his doctors, everyone. He makes everything a struggle purposefully declaring "everything will be my way!" One example of this: one of his doctors told him he had an infection and to begin taking the antibiotic on a Saturday. He waited until Monday to begin the meds, stating " i've had the infection this long....a few more days won't hurt. I'll take the pills when im good and ready!" SMH... I guess I feel obligated as there is no one else to do anything. Is there anyone else out there attempting to provide care for their abuser? How do you handle it? Should I just give up and let the chips fall where they may? I'm very tired and depressed.
Your first responsibility is to yourself and your husband. You cannot afford to miss work, you cannot afford the mental/emotional stress this puts on you. I expect you, as well as your mum, have PTSD from your early experiences with him. If anything get yourself into counselling to help you deal with the past, and let go of any feelings of responsibility towards him now. You have a big enough load with your husband and his illness. Of course you are tired and depressed. Yes, give up and let the chips fall where they may. Meet any request with a "No". Get good at saying that no matter the guilt trips they try to put on you. Expect that they will get more demanding when you say no, and prepare yourself to deal with it. Practice detaching - letting your father and g/f experience the consequences of their actions. Set boundaries - if this means not answering phone call or emails - so be it. I have a narcissistic mother and do that for my protection.
There are others that can do things for your father, maybe not family but social workers etc. That is his problem - not yours. Give it back to him and don't take it on again.
Post again and let us know he you are. You are not alone -we have others here with the same issues. ((((((((hugs)))))) and do something good for you today. You deserve it.
emjo23 has given you very sound and practical advice!
Let us know how you are doing
Second, totally ignore friends and relatives. They are quick to advise, judge and criticize but refuse to lift a finger. Don't offer explanations or answer questions about what you do. It's isn't your duty to provide hands on care, and as he's shown no sign of changing, I don't see any point in forgiveness. His lady friend can get help from her own family - you owe her nothing.
Third, if you stay in this situation, your spirit won't be at peace. It will eat at you, affect your relationship with your husband. It will take its toll on your health. And it will make it far more difficult for you to take care of yourself and your husband. And that is your primary focus - you and your husband.
You have no reason to feel guilt - on the contrary, you've proven to be a kind person despite miserable circumstances and treatment. Take all the paperwork you've amassed from Medicaid, doctors, charities, referrals etc. and give them to your dad. Tell him it's not possible for you to continue. Don't over talk it and be prepared for fireworks - after all, you're saying he's now going to have to do for himself. And hang tough on this - you can do it.
Who's right? Mom is. She knows him, she knows you and it sounds like she's trying to protect you. Hugs to you.
The next time his GF calls from the ER, ask to speak to the Social Worker. Tell her you are the last relative who would put up with this and you are done. The SW can pursue protective custody and make him a Ward of the State if that is what is needed. You have risen from the ashes of years of abuse, you deserve to get on with YOUR life and he can enjoy his downhill slide.
Look, you gave this a shot and discovered that he's still the same narcissistic guy he's always been. You get the hear warming end of life story when the guy sees his elf in the mirror, gets clean and starts respecting others, saying please and thank you. No more abuse for you sweetie. AC forum's orders!
You above all others in this forum owe this humanoid absolutely nothing. Refuse to get involved. Stop interacting with all of them; change your phone number if needed, but cut the connection. He broke whatever relationship you may have had when he abused you. This is the cost of that action. Don't bother with him. Tell the social worker he abused you and you have less than no interest in his care. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, that's who is important. I feel for you, good luck.
"If there was incest, abuse, or abandonment, you may want to give up on the relationship altogether.
Taking care of someone who years before was abusive of neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive in dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
Dr. Boss goes on to say that it might make you feel better if instead of totally abandoning the family member you arrange for his care by other people, such as in a care center.
I am so sorry that you cannot have what you want, and what all people deserve: a father who respects you and values you. This is not your fault and not within your control. He is who he is, and you can't change that. Protect yourself. Remove yourself from his care picture.
Your only responsibility is to yourself and your husband and any children you have. Don't through away what is important to take care of someone who should be swept out of your mind. Take good care of yourself. Let the past go and move forward; you deserve it! Best wishes.
Dr. Laura says that when a parent abuses a kid, they tear up the mother (father) card and there is no moral obligation left. I have operated on that for years.
Dave Ramsey, the Christian Financial guy on the radio, said just the other week, if you love the dog, but if the dog bites you when you get close to it, you can still love the dog, but you should not get near it. My spin is that if you come close enough to allow the dog to bite, you are disrespecting that dog in giving it opportunity to misbehave. Respect your dad by staying away and not giving him the opportunity to sin against you.
Are you POA? - if so, you need to resign as such and file that with the clerk of court where the original POA is filed. Mail a copy of the registered POA resignation to everyone who matters: bank, hospital, doc. All this before you spring it on dad. I'm suspicious that you are not POA since he has a wife.
Step 2: Box up the records, put some of that pretty Christmas tape or Duck tape on the box so it looks like a present in the mail, and send it UPS, HIS signature required. Smile when you ship that box! Include the POA resignation and fthr's records in that box, which he will accept because he's a greedy Son Of a Dog and he wants a nice big heavy present! Notice is given when he signs, though I doubt you are really required to do anything but walk away. Your final act of kindness to him is sending that box.
You don't need to find someone to take your place. He painted himself into this corner - he can put on his big boy panties and manage. Wifey can call on some of her friends for a change. You are done! Knock the dirt off your feet and walk on.
Step 3, Change your phone numbers and only give them out to trusted friends.
It hurts so bad to be rejected by the people who are supposed to love us more than anything. It's so hard dealing with undiagnosed mental illness. Say that to anyone who tries to guilt you. It's true. Therapy with a counselor with experience with alcoholic families and childhood abuse survivors helps. I've gotten into an online support group for people who grew up with parents with my mthr's problem. I'm managing pretty doggone well.
Hugs, Ann
I'm simply suggesting that considering the ease with which we can change numbers, it would be great for the original poster to bypass the pain associated with the abuse of her phone number/s. People don't keep the same phone number for 50 years anymore.
I read your post -
"...Suddenly, I was contacted by the awful woman he lives with and told he was in the hospital....lost his job....I'm his daughter and I should help. "
- and I wanted to stop you right there. At this point you laughed loudly and answered her with "don't be ridiculous", yes?
Sadly, no. But now, having read the pretty much unanimous responses to your experience and all of the support for you and your own positive response to that support, I'm hopeful. So, again, how are you doing? Please update.
Do for YOU - let him do for himself.
If we are perfect, try harder, be better, take care of them,. or do the next right thing, maybe then and finally they will love us.
Sadly this will never happen.
NEVER EVER HAPPEN.
So now that the expectation is gone. Its time to move on with your own life.
You have already set the wheels in motion for him to have treatment. Drop him off at her place and say GOODBYE.
It is ok to be done with him.
You have to tell yourself it's ok.
You can still be a legal advocate for him and make phones calls to get him some help, but you must realize that you don't need to see him in person or drive him places or do personal caregiving.
It could hurt you far more than it will benefit him. There are some support groups for adult children of alcoholics, that may be able to help you process what it is like to be stuck in the middle. Feeling torn between what you think your obligation is to him, and how much hurt you are suffering from being in this role is horrible.
Perhaps an Al-Anon meeting or two could help you to be able to develop healthy boundaries and say enough is enough.
My Dad was a Narcissist and Alcoholic. He had several strokes and eventually Dementia. I worked at getting him into a safe facility and Medicaid as well as Veterans Benefits but in no uncertain terms was not in any way share or form going to take on his lifelong issues.
He eventually lived in a Nursing home for the last years and none of his family or my 4 siblings ever had anything to do with him.
I made his medical and financial decisions but was not subjected to his mental and psychological impairment. I just couldn't take it. He had been estranged for almost 30 years from our family. When the last few women he hooked up with threw him out, and the stroke rehab facility said he couldn't live alone anymore he landed in my lap. I couldn't manage his mental illness and drinking behavior so I found a facility that would take him.
Please do this for yourself. Set healthy boundaries. Only do what you can for him with paperwork and legal issued but spare yourself the emotional upheaval, PTSD and potential for future harm by staying at arm's length.
He chose his life, he got himself to this place. He burned all his own bridges.
You can't ever change him but you can accept the fact that he is who he is and it is not your fault that he cannot love anyone but himself.
My heart goes out to you, and hearing your story brings back all those old hurts.
You can move forward and feel ok that you have done enough, but you might need a little support to get there. Please reach out.
You can personal message me if you want some information on resources that may be helpful.
Hugs to you.