Should I be helping my family try to force my grandmother into a nursing home?

What is it that has changed to where she was managing up until NOW. I ask because it sounds like she has health care coming in 4 x's a day making meals, assisting her with her needs is that correct? You take her to appts. and grocery shopping? Does home health stay over night as well? What is not being done for your grandmother that you think needs addressed? Are you questioning your continuing to help her only because other family members don't want to help anymore? As long as you are happy with the arrangement, why care what your family members say or how they treat you. Tell them to get off your back and that it is your decision. On the other hand, if it is causing you stress and you are overwhelmed with her care and other responsibilities you have for your personal life, then other arrangements would need to be made.

Jewelz~You are not a bad person or stupid for respecting her rights as a human being. It sounds to me as though your grandmother is competent mentally but needs help with some of her activities for daily living (ADLS) which from what you say home health care is helping her with. You are taking her to appts. and grocery shopping. Does your grandmother have someone named for DPOA? If not, you may want to discuss that with her so one is appointed to make her medical and financial decisions if she should become incapacitated and can't make decisions for herself. It is a shame your uncle has "washed his hands of her," unfortunately that is a common theme with "some" family members. I do hope that your grandmother recovers from her illness quickly and it is possible that when she returns home she may need more hours of help with home health care for a while, especially through the night. Is assisted living something she would be interested in for the future? You will still be involved in advocating for her care, can take her to appts., and shopping or just out to lunch for some quality time together, but she would receive help for the the same issues she currently is receiving help with. Just a thought to consider some time down the road if she needs additional help. First I would make sure she has a DPOA in place and then be prepared for some things down the road so you are not scrambling at the last minute. Hopefully your uncle is not the DPOA, she needs someone like you who has her best interests at heart. Keep us posted on her health and how things are going for you!! Hugs to you!

an old timer can mentally collapse from a hospital stay much less a NH. i dont see a NH as the best solution for anyone unless theyre so far out of it that they require constant bedside care. do you have a young family member who would stay with her because they themselves need a temporary housing solution? that isnt unethical its a matter of mutual needs.

Thank you ..I am grateful to have found this site and al of you . Thank you . I will look into the DPOA and assisted living . If she is covered for that it may be a better options

Jewelz...you have gotten some terrific advice on some future steps you need to take with your GM. I would like to focus on you and your mental health. I've been in situations where family members did not agree on the care and attention needs of a senior family member. With my Grandmother, I was an observer of her children disagreeing on the NH issue, among other topics including health and legal issues. Years later, with my mother, I was one of the "decision makers" concerning her health care. However, I was kept at a distance concerning sharing information and over-ruled by siblings, who IMO didn't understand the issues and made some bad/wrong decisions. We have always been a close and loving family and I was therefore taken by surprise by their secretive and manipulative attitudes. I didn't expect the disregard for other opinions and options and was thrown off-guard by their actions. I also have a best friend who is currently at odds with her parents on how they are enabling (they think they are helping) their granddaughter, who is a drug addict.

My point is...it isn't unusual that family members don't agree. I think there are a variety of factors that enter into everyone forming their own opinion on any matter, including the care & attention of a family member. It may or may not be a surprise to you how your family is acting. But, now that you've seen how they can be, it should have become clear to you that you can not, should not count on them in the future to help you or your GM. Easier said than done, but don't lose sleep over it or bother yourself with anger. You can't change them. Don't waste your time or energy or thoughts trying. You can only control yourself and your actions. In addition, don't be surprised if your GM seems to lack awareness of them turning their backs on her. Don't expect her to pull her assets from your Uncle or stop saying glowing things about them. That may get under your skin, and understandably so, but shrug it off.

From what you've told us, I think you are doing the right thing with your GM. And I think, in your heart you believe you are doing the right thing. I commend you for your love, devotion and care towards her. I know it isn't easy, and it will eventually get harder. (That's probably why the others have bailed...they don't want to be consumed by it.) Just know, that you always have the option to make a different decision, concerning your involvement and help. Don't think that you're trapped. You can always re-evaluate...fine-tune things as you go along.

I wish you and your Grandmother...peace.

What are Gramma's physical impairments? It is not unusual for someone in their 90s to need help with errands and shopping. What else can't she do for herself? Can she cook? Get herself meals regularly? Could she get herself out of her house in case of an emergency? Is she continent? How about her laundry? Is she generally in clean clothes? Does she bathe sufficiently often? Can she use the telephone?

Can your GM afford a nursing home? Would she have to be on Medicaid? Is she on Medicaid now?

Is anyone besides you provided some help for her?

Sorry for so many questions, but there is no where you can look up a chart in a book and see that 92 = nursing home. Each case is unique.

Can you tell us some more about your GM, and why the family wants her to move to an NH? You are obviously a caring person to be asking this question, and I'd like to see you get some helpful answers.

She has homecare going in four times a day and has been managing she can get to bed and bathroom on her own but does wear depends also . Her homecare cooks all her meals but I have been doing her grocery shopping . She has been managing fairly well up to now. My family has quit doing everything for her and I have been doing it all on my own the grocery shopping taking her to appointments etc , They are telling me that I am doing the wrong thing and that i shoud just withdraw my support like they have

No there is no one and she does manage well. My family refuses anything to do that helps her and for months refused to even go and visit until she did what they wanted .I am the only one left and they treat me like an idiot because i get her groceries etc

No she doesn't seem to need anyone to stay over night just to cook her meals and get her ready for bed . Home care handles all the major stuff . No extra money is paid out beyond her insurance and she is fine she is just sick and in the hospital now. Medical care is not a probem at all . I guess I am just looking for an affirmation that I am not a bad person or stupid for trying to respect her rights as a human being . I do think there is some greed involved. All her assets are already in my uncles name so he said he washes his hands of helping her and I think he would feel better about his decision if i did the same . But that is not who I am . Now she has not been the best of mothers and not the best of grandmothers. But when i was 2 and my mother left she took me in and helped raise me .