For those of you with anxiety from childhood trauma, how do you deal with the flashbacks, nervousness, etc.?

“I'm afraid God will punish me for complaining about the one who mistreated me.”

As you yourself realize, this kind of thinking requires a therapist. No one here can reason you out of that kind of thinking.

I think that this isn't related a whole lot to our subject of elder care, faithful beauty.

It is my personal opinion that to "forgive" those who abuse is criminal.

I do understand that with help we can come to know that our elders suffered from their own mental deficits and from their own limitations. However, it's my opinion that the best thing we can do for ourselves in life is to move COMPLETELY out of the sphere of an abuser.

I can only suggest that this is a subject for you to take up with a trained counselor. As is likely already apparent from my answer HERE, I am not that. Even if I WERE a pastor, a licensed psychologist, I am not YOUR pastor or psychologist.I encourage you to seek help for your habitual thinking lest you play forward a cycle of abuse.

FB, if you believe in a Supreme Being who punishes the folks who were abused, rather than punishing the abuser, I have no useful advice.

Do you see that what you subscribe to is a system that perpetuates enslavement to the abuser?

EMDR therapy. Google it. I’m currently doing it with my T and it’s exhausting but it’s very helpful.

I'm not asking anyone to reason me out of this thinking. As I said in the post, I wanted to see if anyone else was dealing with these feelings.

HI faithfulbeauty - I can say for sure that there are those on this forum who have become the caregiver for a parent(s) who have shown abuse towards them either growing up or as an adult - and it is a complicated and emotionally difficult process...so you are not alone.

But, if you break down what you're saying, it doesn't make sense. If you think about it, why would G-d punish YOU because you were abused? You're not supposed to suppress yourself - that's really unhealthy. And if anything, wouldn't G-d show grace upon you instead?

You'd be surprised how liberating it is to acknowledge your feelings and not feel as if you'll get punished for it.

I didn't do any hands on caregiving for my parents, they lived in IL and then AL, but I did a lot for them otherwise. There wasn't a time I saw them that I didn't feel nervous or sweaty....a feeling of dread enveloped me. As if I'd rather have been ANYWHERE ELSE on earth. Even pumping out a porta-potty. But at least I had boundaries and limits with them, and only did the minimum in terms of time spent ministering to their needs. It was a very long 10.5 years nevertheless. Thank God I had boundaries in place or they'd have outlived me. Mom lived to 95, dad to almost 92.

I went to Catholic school so nobody had the dogma forced down their throat harder than I. I decided to ditch IT too, along with any thoughts I'd entertain that somehow God would punish me for complaining about being an innocent victim of a troubled childhood. Instead I opened my mind to the idea that God is love. And forgiveness. And compassion and understanding and empathy. That's when I learned to love MYSELF and give up all the ugly, fearful thoughts that plagued me. God wants us to love and respect ourselves and the life He gave us, right?

Good luck with your upcoming counseling.

FB, fixing brainwashing isn't a job that can be a accomplished on one's own.

I don't mean to disparage your strongly held religious beliefs. But if you are going to believe in a Supreme Being that operates on the principal of blaming the victim of abuse, then you need to be talking to the clergy of that sect to get advice and direction. Not us.

And probably not a therapist or counselor who operates outside of a sectarian arena. There are lots of Christian therapists; just for example, the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is written very much in a Christian framework.

Wishing you peace in your heart and mind.

Midkid has a thread going now where her DH and his brother are trying to care for their mentally ill and abusive mother. They can hardly bring themselves to even show up.

You are not alone.

Here is a link where many others have discussed the topic of caregiving their childhood abuser.


https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Childhood+abuse+


Here is another from the religious aspect


https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Religion+and+the+abuser

Faith, I didn't suffer abuse at the hands of my family members but I did suffer emotional abuse from being bullied in school and then went on to three consecutive relationships where I was emotionally abused.

I do sort of relate to your thinking. I often have felt that I am sinning for dwelling on past hurt and still holding resentment and anger towards my emotional abusers. I think there are a number of places in the Bible that speak of forgiveness and how we need to forgive to be forgiven. But I think God does understand and love us and wants us to forgive others, not for their sake but for our sake so we can move on. Forgiving those that have hurt us doesn't mean that this wonderful feeling will suddenly wash over us and voila the hurt they caused will just disappear. It's a process. It also doesn't mean that you need to ever see them or interact with them again. If you have to I'm sorry.

I'm not a caregiver for anyone who hurt me and I'm not sure I could be. It takes a strong person to do that. You are probably stronger than you think you are and I hope the counseling helps you to begin to realize that.

Right here. Hello.

First of all, and I'm just going to respond as is, not any other way, God will not punish you for complaining about who mistreated you. My mind will do this to me too, and it is a way of finding "someone else who will be mad at me that I cannot please." I'm not a religious person nor will I push it but where I'm at in my mind, Ol' G suffers right along with you. That's that. If you are a forgiving person, more power to you. I, am not, and I rest comfortably that I will never be. That doesn't mean I'll lower myself to an abusive level. I rose above...somewhat.

Therapy and reaching out to others in this same boat will start to open your mind that this is real, this does happen, and yes we are out there feeding the same mouths that cursed our very existence. You can start first by feeling proud of yourself in saying, "I didn't turn out like this." When you think, "I would NEVER do this to anyone," about things from the past - remember you're right. You would never, because you're better than that. And that my friend, is what partly helps make you a caregiver.

Please seek professional help - there are insights within it that will blow your mind and your mindset right out of the water. If I can go from tears, to, "Oh for C's sake knock it off mother," so can you. I even said that today.

"You're right," she said.

Good luck. It can be done.

Find therapy - I did. You will have a whole new outlook on life

Many of us do. Not to minimize your trauma.
See a therapist.

Re-assess your relationship / understanding of "God" ... My definition is that 'god is inside us to come out ... god is unconditional love. We need to believe this and accept it. I am not traditionally religious. I have been through a major life awakening, in a state of bliss for two years ... over 25 years ago although that experience is still with me. I know who I am. I love myself, even when I feel challenged and I certainly do.

Stay present in the moment. Do not run away from how you feel.
Feelings change although trauma option requires a professional therapist to help you through the process.

I do not understand your question about a caregiver 'for the person'.
I've been doing care management for 8-10+ years.

You might want to consider medication to get over the difficult feelings although I believe that 'meds' cover up the feelings / trauma that needs to come out. Do the inner work you need to do, confront yourself ... get to know the 'you' inside 'you.' This is a new person to you, waiting to meet you.

I worked with myself and others using the FOCUSING MODEL (Eugene Genlin). It is am amazing process of inner exploration.

Gena / Touch Matters

I have never viewed God as a ‘big bully’ in the sky waiting for us to screw up, just so He can punish us. That would never be a God I chose to believe in.

As far as remembering the bad times, all of us have lived through unpleasant experiences that are difficult to forget.

Therapy helped me to view my past in the proper perspective. We can choose not to allow our past experiences dictate our present life.

Sure, there are fleeting moments when we are reminded of something that is disturbing to us. I do my best to move forward and not become stuck.

I am fortunate to have very good friends in my life. Making new memories is a beautiful way to begin to heal.

There’s a time to mourn and grieve for what we missed out on in life, but I don’t believe that time should last forever.

My therapist once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. He said that I had more time behind me than I had ahead of me, so don’t waste the time that was left on all of the ‘what if’s’ in my life. We can’t ever change the past.

We had no choice about what family that we were born into or our family dynamics. We do have choices in how we move forward in our lives.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your journey.

Yes,
There are many people who were abused as children who wind up caregiving for their parent . They feel as if they have to . The parent makes them a slave to them .

As she demanded , I took care of my mother who was a narcissist . I tried to please her for most of my life rather than deal with her behavior and verbal and emotional abuse when she didn’t get her way . Off and on I would have total nervousness , IBS , the feeling of doom , and always waiting for the other shoe to drop especially when I knew it was time to see her .

All caregivers deserve boundaries . Far too often caregivers give up their own lives .
Boundaries can include not being a caregiver at all . Professionals can be caregiver while you step back and get help for yourself .

But to answer your question , you are not the only abused person being a caregiver and suffering with similar anxieties as you .

I am glad you realize you need help and are starting therapy . You are going in the right direction . Some of us never do and stay locked in a caregiver situation that they should give up .

Dear faithfulbeauty,

God will not punish you, that's the fear talking. I think that the reason the flashbacks are happening is because you're looking after that said same person.
Can you share it with others?
I have childhood trauma and my Dad was the reason for it. Looking back, my Mother always put me in the firing line, to save herself and my brother was the golden child.
I had received years of counselling before my Dad got ill and I had to look after him, so I understood boundaries and I could recognise the usual behaviours going on around me. But I still became very upset and had depression after he died.
I was what is called the scapegoat, in a family where both males were/are narcissists.
As my father got sick from cancer and the end was near, my mother booked herself in for knee surgery, it could have waited another six months, but she couldn't handle the situation. Which meant there was no one at home with my father. I agreed to do the care, but understanding boundaries I refused to move in, knowing I would need to get away from him. It did mean I quit my job, and put myself second in my own life.
He was grateful and also mean and bitter. Some things I ignored, somethings I responded to.
One day he told me how much of a failure I was as a child and I told him how much of a failure he was as a father. He was truly shocked, having no insight into himself.
That day I left early.
I understood that his behaviour was truly about himself and his unhappiness. My brother refused to help, but was happy to criticise from a distance. Again (after becoming upset for a time) I understand that he too, cannot look at himself, but prefers to blame others for how he feels about himself.
As my mother skirted around my Dad's death and put a great performance on at his funeral (so did my brother) I understood that they both do not understand themselves and their own motivations.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
You've already crossed one, by looking after the instigator of your childhood trauma.
Read a book called The Body Keeps the Score, and one I found very useful Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
The parent won't change now, they'll get worse, there will not be a Hollywood ending, nothing will get resolved. If you can get help, do so.

The counselling will help immensely, but seeing the person they are/were and not seeing them as a parent also helps.

Good luck, keep coming back to this forum, even if it's not to post, but to read how others are going and the responses. Your issue is common, sadly.

If you believe in the New Testament and Jesus who died on the cross for our sins, then you believe that he saved the sinners who lived before him and also the sinners who have come afterwards. He saves your mother from her own sins, and saves you from any sins you have committed. Jesus is not sending you or anyone else to hell fire forever for any sins. If Jesus forgives you, you have no need to hate your mother or to blame yourself for worrying.

Yes there are many here most likely - my mom was emotionally abusive and still is I really work at distancing myself but still being there for her. She managed to ruin my weekend and it took me enough time go get her out of my mind, sadly its best not to share anything I do with her- but never mind God will not punish you no matter what but you will punish yourself which is probably worse. You will punish yourself for thinking certain thoughts for not doing what you want etc. It's a slog but be easy on yourself.

1. Remove the abuser from your life entirely, cold turkey. No help, no phone calls, no visits, NOTHING.

2. Therapy.

Yes! Totally!
I cared for mom for 4 years. I have mostly stepped back now, but we are still sharing space with her, and she is still so, so cruel.
The other day I was wishing she would just die (things are not going well...) and then my puppy ran off after a deer and wouldn't come back, and my brain just went, "Well, that's what you get for wishing that!"
When people abuse us, they tell us that that's what we get for doing xyz... When that's how we are raised, it's ingrained in us. And it's a battle to change our disordered thinking, but it can be done!
Remember to speak kindly to yourself, like you would speak to a dear friend, and tell yourself that your feelings are valid and you will not be punished for them.
And please, step back from caring for your abuser. There is always another way.