For financial reasons my husband and I are moving 350 miles away. He is 1 of 2 sons caring for his parents (88 & 95). How do we tell his brother?

In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so. And authority means having durable POA for medical and financial for each of your parents.

If your in-laws expect their children to drop everything in order to get them through yet another "emergency" but not change anything about what brings them to the point of "emergency", that's unreasonable.

When I faced similar stubbornness and denial in my in-laws, I started conversations with my husband about what I saw his parents' reality to be. I noticed things about how my in-laws were aging that my husband either wasn't seeing or didn't want to acknowledge. And the list only got longer with time.

We did as much as we could for them for as long as we could in order to keep them in their home but it burned both of us out. My in-laws started declining rapidly. Everyone was unhappy or depressed. We ran out of places to install grab bars!!! Yet they refused to face reality.

I did their grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. in addition to waking up at 3 a.m. worried about calamity would befall us that day. I burned myself out and got so sick that it took me a year to recover. I also told my husband that caregiving for his parents was no longer working for me and things needed to change because I was finished with enabling his parents to live alone.

It was time for a family conference. Even after that initial family conversation, it took us 18 months of weekly conversations to get his parents to grudgingly accept that they needed help and that their children and their childrens' spouses could not provide all the help they needed.

They needed to downsize into a senior residential community. They fought us hard but all of us "children" stayed on message, which was that their safety and our peace of mind were paramount. They moved into a rental building for seniors that included all of their meals, utilities, activities, transportation, housekeeping, etc. And even with all of those services, we still needed to hire in-home attendants for my MIL, who since has died, and now for my FIL.

I usually don't write such lengthy posts but I was once in your shoes. Your in-laws are being unreasonable and irrational. Your husband is your partner in life. Caregiving must work for everyone involved.

NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you for your kind post. I appreciate it. And yes, JoAnn was spot on accurate!

Well we're back at square one, MIL's ER visit turned into very serious life or death surgery, which now requires a lengthy hospital & nursing home stay for her, if she makes it. I cannot believe they were willing to operate in her condition. FIL of course will not stay over with either one of his sons. I'm sure he expects someone to run him up there everyday.
Of course we haven't mentioned our move yet. Not that i need to defend myself but my job is moving and I am not willing to give up my income. We have a limited number of years to provide for ourselves or we'll be in the same position they are in, its not negotiable.
We're somewhat flexible with timing, but its not open ended for sure.

I am sorry to hear that MIL is so ill, I hope that things work out for her.

I read that your BIL will not address the issue of care plans with his parents, maybe he will see the necessity now.

Maybe now is a good time to make stubborn FIL think out of his box. He doesn't get to control others lives, it's unreasonable. This may be the spring board that opens his eyes to the need of relocating where his dear wife can have care and be catered to with housekeeping, meal prep, laundry, other residents caring and sharing and both having a safe environment.

My prayers are with you that this will open eyes and shift perceptions.

Good for you for making the (hard) choice to do what is best for you & your husband. I admire your strength.

That said, my suggestion is when informing BIL of the upcoming move, your husband focus on what he can do to assist in their parents’ care. Your assistance is no more, just like BIL’s wife drew the line. Eventually, the neighbor will draw the line as well.  

Someone on this site said a while back to look after their needs, not necessarily their wants. It appears that your in-laws expect 3 other families to put their lives on hold so they can “age in place” — 3 families to stop living their lives so they can live the life they want. Bravo to you for saying no. This might be what BIL needs to help him set boundaries as well.

Next steps:
1. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
2. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
3. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
4. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
5. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
6. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
7. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
8. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
9. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
10. Family meeting with the discharge planner.

"We didn't plan on telling you, our loving family, this way but the discharge planner needs to know that my awesome and loving husband and I are moving 350 miles away for work and cannot be part of long-term care plans." Then be quiet and let the discharge planner do his/her job.

I'm not sure what brought this back around, I see it's from a week or more ago. But if you haven't already addressed this...the fact is your circumstance has changed. You aren't moving to get away from the situation you are moving because that's your family situation, your job is moving you. It's really no different now than it would have been had this move come up 5 or 10 years ago. It doesn't mean you and DH will stop contributing to the care of his parents it just means things will need to adjust a bit. You can still schedule Dr appointments, order meds etc I do it from 400 miles away. You DH, BIL and maybe SIL (?) along with any other family members involved in care simply need to lay your cards out. Here is what DH has been doing that he wont be able to once you move, how are we going to get them accomplished? It isn't all on you or DH to figure that out it's on the family team of caretakers and perhaps asking for ideas from SW, doctors, anyone would be helpful but the decision is up to all of you. Perhaps it is time for AL, perhaps not but you all have to be on board with that and honest about what you are and aren't able or willing to do. If BIL doesn't want to push AL/NH then he needs to be able to make the things happen to prevent that. You are willing to help but can only do so much and no one can make good decisions or come up with ideas unless everyone is honest and clear about what they can do/contribute to it all. Your SIL was right to say I can't do this anymore, maybe with the new factors, you being 350 miles away, she can take one or both to some doctor's appointments and your BIL and or neighbor/friend/next gen can do some. Even if you have a van or transport of some sort take them to an appointment and then be in the room via Face Time or speaker phone, Skype (we did this while mom was in the hospital and do it during some appointments one of us in person and one electronically). This is always going to be an adjusting situation, even when they move into AL/NH/MC it isn't all smooth sailing, there is still plenty of things that need to be done and ever changing situations. You need to be able to figure out how to best adjust together as a family, as a team. Support each other as well as Mom and Dad but you can't allow each other to feel guilty about changes in your lives that require changes in the "teams" lives, it's just the way life rolls.

Well its been 9 days since Meaghans last post. I wonder how things went. I hope she told the family she is moving.

Talk to him about it. "It is time for us to make other plans" The necessary care details are already established. Now is the time for re-distribution.

Well MIL is in ICU at the moment and is on a roller coaster of will she or won't she live. It's been 14 days since her surgery and it's one medical issue after another. What was once a firm decision of "no machines" by FIL, has turned into a full blown whatever is necessary to keep her alive, regardless of her condition. He won't give up. Of course my mom then fell and suffered a fracture which now requires Orthopedic visits & PT - none of which she'll truly give a chance. At this point there has been no discussions with my BIL about moving, we are in a holding pattern as no one thought MIL would live through this. Yet she keeps holding on. I've left it in hubbys hands to tell me when it feels right to have this discussion w/BIL, but he's overwhelmed and I cannot add to his sorrow at this point.

If she survives, it looks like some rehab time and maybe eventually LTC. Which is probably the decision that should be made since there will be no one to do 24/7 care.

I agree, BIL is too overwhelmed at this time and FIL probably isn't helping.

Prayers going up.