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Hubby handles all doctors appts 3/week and the usual ER visits as he is retired. His brother works full time and helps as much as he is able. His parents live alone, have limited resources and refuse to move. They are not able to drive and are past the point of caring for themselves. Sister in law "quit" helping when parents caused fights, I can't say I blame her. The parents lived with brother/wife until they insisted on going home. Parents' neighbor is a fantastic woman and does their food shopping/daily check-ins. I work full time and handle all medicine ordering, scheduling of dr's appointments.


I'm sick with guilt but we have no choice but to move.


Does anyone have any suggestions to help ease through this transition?


We're both sick over leaving his brother "holding the bag" and don't even know how to talk to him about it.

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So... your parents in law have burned through one option (living with Son and DIL), have refused to consider other options, and are currently relying on the support of four people, two of whom are about to leave the building and one of whom is under not the ghost of an obligation to continue her support, yes?

I think the conversation you need to have with BIL is about how the four of you (with SIL carefully insulated from direct contact, though she should certainly be free to contribute to the mind-map) create a united front in order to confront parents in law with the reality of their present and future needs.

If they wish to age in place, fine, good for them. But in that case they will very soon need a formal support structure; a support structure which must not rest on their children; and which they will need to fund.

This is not harsh, not even disrespectful or anything but loving. This is reality. They cannot base their security on groundless optimism or filial or neighbourly obligation.
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mally1 Mar 2019
I just LOVE the way you put things! (LOL)
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So sorry you need to make this decision. I feel for other brother. Sounds like he just doesn't have the time.

Call your Office of Aging and ask what kind of resources are available for in-laws. It wouldn't be fair for neighbor to take this on.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
Seen this happen once or twice and ultimately neighbors will burn out and find help like local office on aging.
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My sister and I cared for our mom in her home. Sis was living with mom due to unemployment. Unbeknownst to me sis took a job 1500 miles away. She never discussed it with me. On thanksgiving she told me about her new job, 3 weeks later she was gone. Nightmare!!! Mom was distraught and confused, and I was left holding the bag.
Moral of the story? Talk to brother ASAP! Right now! I can tell that your intention is not to hurt or burden him, but that is exactly what is going to happen, and it will be even worse the longer you wait. And for heavens sake go in with a game plan. Research home health and assisted living. Call your local Aging resource center. Set up meals on wheels. Hire a housekeeper. You get my drift.
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anonymous763470 Mar 2019
You did not mention if parents have a will, or who holds their POA. If they have neither resolve that situation immediately.
my brother holds mom’s POA for finance. He does all her banking/bills online. Your husband certainly could handle his parents finances in the same manor.
Your parents are fortunate to have an attentive neighbor. Hire her!!
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Are either of the parents Veterans? If so there may be help through the VA. Please check that out first if this is an option.
This might be the time to start an application process for Medicaid if that is in the future.
It sounds like selling the house and looking for Assisted living is the only option that would make sense.
Have a "Family Dinner" and tell the siblings that you are going to have to move and bring up the options that would be acceptable. And as I see it it would be...
Sell the house and move in with a sibling.
Sell the house and move to Assisted Living.
Have a sibling sell their house and move in with parents.
You can not place your live in "suspended animation" you have to move on and do what is right for you. (by "you" I mean your family)
I suppose there is one other option..sell the parents house and move them with you. You could look for a house with an "in-law" suite so they have their space and you have yours. (Locking doors between!)

By the way you mention in your profile you are caring for your Mom..how will your move effect that?
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kdcm1011 Mar 2019
“Suspended animation” ... love this phrase! It is so true.
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Pease tell him carefully and with a back up plan already researched. I am the sole carer for my mum and the pressure and stress is awful. I so wish I had a sibling to help me but I don't so the responsibility is all mine and it's sucking the life out of me. It's a big responsibility for your brother in law and will impact his life a lot. If the parents are stubborn then be firm with them as your lives matter too!!!! Older people can be very selfish and self absorbed and don't see beyond their own needs and wants. The carers need caring for too sometimes!!!
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gdaughter Mar 2019
so agree with the self-absorbed part as is the case with my dad. Mom less an issue because she is her typical stubborn witch self and then some with her dementia. But dad has had womanfolk looking after him since a babe, from his mother and sisters to his wifey. I am so sick of his needs becoming his obsession that I must deal with. His notes. His magazine subscriptions that force my using my email address, his this, his that.
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This is the time to go and look into all the resources that you can that will provide help free hopefully for your parents. You do want to sit down and talk with the brother as well as the sister who quit because now that you’re moving she may want to start helping somehow. I will start with AARP
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The problem is the parents, not the brother.

Adult children should not be forced to give up their lives and their livelihoods to support the charade of independence that is going on here.

Brothers should certainly sit down and talk about this and then visit parents and tell them that they are going to have to make other arrangements; the adult children should of course HELP with making the arrangements, but they shouldn't be hostages, now should they?
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
“Charade of independence “. Definitely going to us that one
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As others have said, this is a parent problem, not a sibling problem. If it takes 4 people to keep them in their home, they do not belong there.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
Isn’t it amazing that we automatically assume the position that it is the problem of the children. I had to shift my thinking on this previously. Yes we have a responsibility and duty to our parents but we/others never see it as a dual responsibility
I was even worse where my husband is concerned but have decided not to be so available and start looking after myself as well
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Make a plan, then discuss with elders so that they feel they have a say. Know just what & how much you can take on. Don’t be pushed beyond your limits. Remind them that your physical & mental health is paramount to your AND THEIR survival. Never take on the burden alone, and be sure your lives come first: a hard but essential truth.
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I agree completely that this is a problem with the parents and not the brothers.

1. Get their important paperwork in order. Durable power of attorney both medical and financial. Living wills - hard but very necessary discussion to have with them both.

2. Groceries - can they be delivered? The neighbor is nice to do this for them but they likely also need help preparing meals for themselves. Look into hiring someone to cook and freeze meals that can be warmed up. Nutrition students at the local college probably need money to pay for school. When I was doing this for my in-laws, I bought a dozen or more pieces of Corning ware at the thrift store. Each meal contained protein, lots of veggies, and a starch. Nowadays the frozen food aisle at the grocery store has many healthy "cook in bag" meals and sides.

3. Housekeeping - who cleans their house now?

4. Transportation - what options are in their area? And why on earth are they going to the doctor 3 times each week? Is it for dialysis? Please explain a little bit more.

Three weeks is enough time to get some them some help. It may not be perfect by the time you move, and that's okay. It'll be a good start toward getting your in-laws to accept reality.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Groceries can be delivered, even amazon has tons of stuff. Scrpts delivered, housekeeping services. People who don’t have kids find a way to take care of themselves. People aren’t always close to neighbors either so one has to fend for themselves.
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children should try to find a way to stay and care for their parents.they cared for the children when they were young and unable to care for their selves. now the parents have grown old and unable to care for their selves. if you serch your souls ,i'm sure that you will find a away to stay and be a responsible and careing person .and do what is right.it's hard to make a choice as to be right ,but if you ask GOD for directions ,i'm sure that he will direct you .and you won't have to regreat that the parents have been deserted,just because they have grown old.you too will experience old age,if your lucky and hopefully your children ,if you have children will care enough about you ,to put your needs above their desires.
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
The OP and her husband have a right to live their own lives. They are not obligated to take care of their parents. I will say it for the unpteenth time—the fact our parents took care of us growing up does not obligate or require us to take care of them later on in life. The OP and her husband have every right to help out ON THEIR OWN TERMS.
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Meagan, You and your husband have carefully considered your needs, and this is admirable. This happened to our family, too. I think that, for the time being (set a limit) maybe you could set a schedule for time you would travel there and handle what's needed. This would be a good time to assess how things are going with services in place or needed. The sibling needs to be able to count on this, too. There's nothing worse than not being able to plan activities or being left in the lurch, or the silence. Hate the silence. It's not just moving out of their home. It's not like they're in a hotel where they just pack their things and leave. Since it's not a panic evac, there should be time for them to decide the ultimate disposal/keep/give away some things that are probably very precious to them. Take packing materials, make lists of things family members want, if any, be enthusiastic about a new adventure. Maybe they could actually be part of the decision process!! Choosing a place (there are tons of virtual videos of homes, condos, assisted living, etc.) Alright, here's the guilt trip. I'm sure your parents probably made choices based upon their responsibilities towards their children. They probably didn't do some things they would have because you were their priority. I know it was that way with us. It is overwhelming to consider just sweeping off to some other cold place without some of their keepsakes, furniture, etc. Or, maybe they don't have a sentimental bone in their body. You know better than me. That travel distance isn't so bad, not such a sacrifice that it can't be done for a time. I don't think you will be sorry if you try to work with this and not express such cold feelings (as some above). This is hard. They can be presented with choices and time constraints (depending upon weather, etc.) if they plan to move to another town, etc. I don't know how big the city is where you are, but in our area there are several services that provide doctor visits, nurse visits, etc., and I'm sure your parents have Medicare. If there is a skilled nursing need, the doctor could order Home Health (certified under Medicare). If they are homebound (need the assistance of another to go out, need a DME wheelchair, walker, etc.) it's not a strict as some people make it out to be . That's why the Area Agency on Aging is a good resource, because there would be a case manager to help with information about those options.. There are adult daycare options, as well, and transportation that can be arranged. These things could be working until the move, whatever and wherever it is) This all doesn't mean that someone doesn't have to be making sure these things are all in place and working. If you stress your concern for them and their happiness, I think they will be able to make a workable decision. It would surely be less shocking.
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MK, they're not torn, they're going. It's already decided. What they don't want to do is leave the brother to deal with their parents on his own, with a wife who has already done her best without success. So what's the way forward?
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You’ve gotten some great advice here about bringing in help. My situation is just a bit different in that I already lived across the country when the decline happened. But the key has been to work with my sister to find the things I CAN do that are helpful. This has meant near daily calls to my folks and solving any issues I can via calls to providers they use (e.g. tv service, insurance, etc); using my phone visits to help calm my folks when needed; taking over paying the bills; and being in touch with my folks, my sister, and the doctors to coordinate care. And, of course, I visit as often as finances allow, in order to give my sister a break. Some places have respite care you might be able to make use of too. This is something that gives the caregiver a break every now and then. The key to all of this is good communication. Wishing you the very beast.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
You are a good sibling:-) Mine makes calls to elders maybe 2x a week. As far as bill paying I just prefer to handle it and know which end is up. It does take more time than I wish, but at least everything is together. That is the one thing she offered to do. The thing that required nothing more than a bit of time at her computer. Not the physical labor of cooking, cleaning, escorting, communicating, advocating, shopping. Worst of all is that when I do communicate with her, she often does not respond and that leaves me feeling very isolated and unsupported with all of it.
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Sorry for knee jerk reaction but as one of many who has been left holding the weighty bag I want to say Really? It's really necessary for financial reasons, and to do it NOW? Yes, they could live another 10 years or more, and that might impact your finances, but are there no other solutions? No other places to be? But this comes from being an exhausted caregiver of one for two. As someone who writes from her bed surrounded by debris that she was too tired to clean up during the week because of caregiving.
My heart breaks for brother. There is no easy way. You may not only impacting him but the elders.
On the practical side I would connect with the local office on aging (call your city hall) or Area Agency on Aging asap and find out what resources are available to help the elders, i.e. transportation. Hiring private organizations to assist them will also cost, but if their income is low, they may qualify for assistance you are as yet unaware of.
If they are unable to take care of themselves then the burden will fall more on brother and if they do not cooperate with a change in housing the end result may be someone calling APS. I hope it is not their kind and caring neighbor. Bless her if she has the time and energy to do what she does.
You can still continue from wherever you are to do your part of scheduling appts and meds, but of course will need to communicate enough to find out when they are needed.
I well remember hearing the news when my only sibling decided she and her hubby were leaving for points south. That was 16+ years ago and she told me prior with such a cold lack of compassion (and it seems even now she rarely gives thought to her own older age and how she will manage without support considering she is now single without any children or real friends) that if mom and dad became unable to take care of themselves how I should put them in a home because I was entitled to a life too. And then she walked out to her car, handed me a potted plant, got in and took off. The image of her car turning the corner onto the main road forever pressed into my brain. Good luck to all of you, and especially brother. And you should, if things stay status quo, be prepared to donate some of your vacation time to returning and taking over so brother can vacation in peace.
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rovana Mar 2019
I think it all depends on what options there are for the elderly parents - if the only alternative is that they are basically "on the streets", well that is one thing.  But if it is a matter of they don't want to recognize that there preferred lifestyle is not longer workable for them, well they have the duty to do what they can to make changes themselves, not devour others' lives trying to hold on to a make-believe independence. Propping that sort of thing up is never an obligation.  Fine to want it, but nobody has the responsibility/obligation to deliver it.  This is a situation where family must get on the same page and make it clear to elders that things cannot go on as they were.
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Sit down with brother...explain to him the gist of your financial difficulties
relative to continuing to live where you are. Do not mention your guilt...just lay the situation out on the table...Then ask, "What can we do?"

God bless you.

Bob
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Old Bob,

Love your matter of fact approach. My engineer, black and white husband, would say what you did.

Me? The creative type, seeing all the gray areas envy his matter of fact approach to life.

We do balance each other in many ways though. Been married over 40 years!
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right is right and wrong is wrong. it's my feelings that if you do the right thing ,then you will not feel guilty about dumping the old people ,but if you knowingly know that your excuse for dumplng them is for your own gain.then you have the problem of your knowing that you made the choice for self gain. my mother lived with us for over most of her life .because she was sick. my wife and myself of 66years married cared for her.my mother who had dementia.yes it cost us time .but we have the memories that she was with us until the end. and we thank GOD that HE allowed us the oppotunity to do the right thing.she cared for me when i was a child an i feel that it's the responsibilty of the children to care for the parents when they are old or unable to care for each other.right is right and wrong is wrong.
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NYDaughterInLaw Mar 2019
What is wrong is your post that's filled with nothing but judgment. What is wrong with you?

And if you're going to be all preachy, here's a dose of your own medicine:

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
- John 8
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OP may have lost a job and be unable to find a replacement job in the area they live. They may be facing an unavoidable retirement and have to sell and move to be able to live on a small income. She is asking for advice and compassion. I agree that the problem is the parents, especially when they refuse to move. Definitely do your best to set things up for what you would do if you were an only child. Reach out to local resources as others have said.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Maryjann,

Yep, circumstances change and adjustments have to be made. It is the parents that should think of these things.

I had a unique situation. Had to take mom in because she lost home in Hurricane Katrina and it was traumatizing for her, me too, my childhood home. Anyway, in a vulnerable situation that was so emotional for us, neither of us were thinking clearly.

Ironically when a person is young, with or without kids needs to plan for future. We don’t want to think of that when we are younger. I know I wasn’t mature enough at a younger age to think about such matters!
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I think some posters are being unfair here. Maybe where they live doesn't have the type of work DH is trained for. Maybe his company transferred him and by giving up his job would mean not receiving a pension he has worked towards. Maybe his job pays good benefits that if he quit he wouldn't be able to afford. They have two STUBBORN parents who don't see how their decisions effect their children's future. We have to secure our futures. Our parents should never have felt "my children will care for me". Yes, we have some responsibility towards our parents. Making sure they are safe, fed, clean and cared for. But what do you do when the parents won't compromise, they want it their way. Well life doesn't work that way.

Meaghan, you need to find what resources are available to DHs parents. Office of aging is a good start. If they are low income, then maybe homecare thru Medicaid. First talk to BIL and SIL soon. I get the impression if you could stay you would. Do in-laws really need appts 3x a week? Seems a little much. I cut back on some of Moms. Make a list of their needs. What will BIL be able to do and what not. Maybe SIL can work behind the scenes. Making appts, setting up transportation. There r senior buses. Then the boys go talk to parents. Explaining that things must change. If they have money, then maybe AL for them. Once they are in an AL the house can be cleaned out and sold for their care.

Get the mindset now, that you will probably have to make weekend trips home. I cleaned out a 2 story, walk in attic 125yr old Farmhouse where my Mom had accumulated 60 yrs of stuff. All by myself with help from DH with the heavy stuff. Still dealing with the house and Mom passed in 2017.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
JoAnn,

Great suggestions! As far as family helping though, you know how that goes. The ones who do the work, do it. The ones who don’t, they don’t do a thing. You are right, even just making phone calls would be a help but from my experience those who don’t help do absolutely nothing!

Ends up being more stressful trying to get them to help than just doing it themselves. Even if I dropped dead, I don’t think my brothers or SIL would ever say that they should have helped. They would most likely be upset that I died because then they would have to care for mom, which they wouldn’t. They most likely wouldn’t even research facilities. They would place her in first place they found.
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As I read you post again, your in-laws need so much help. You have 3 sets of people doing for them. Looks like they do nothing for themselves. Does anyone have POAs? Are they competent mentally. Because the way I see it, they need a nice Nursing home. They are past am AL. If POAs in place and they are found they can no longer make informed decisions, then I would start the Medicaid process if they have no money.

By being in a NH all their needs are met. They have nurses and doctors right there.

I really would examine all these dr. visits. With Mom, a thickening was seen in her upper stomach. Went to a specialist, he ruled cancer out but saw her every six months to watch it. After no change, I asked if she could go once a year. Once she was in NH with Dementia, I dropped the visit. Same with her thyroid doctor. Once her numbers were normal for a few visits and NH doctor said he would check her numbers, I dropped his now yearly visits. Moms PCP had her coming every two months. Mom had no reason why. His nurse, a family friend, asked why Mom was there. I told her I had no idea but if he asks why I am not bringing her again unless she needs scripts renewed or she is sick. He asked me why she was there. Just a way to milk Medicare. My friend has RA and Fibromyalgia and a few other problems. She was going to at least 3 doctors. One of them told her he could handle all 3 of her problems.
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I read your back posts, where do your parents fit into all this?
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I agree 100% with JoAnn. Oftentimes the elder does think that their adult children will care for them into old age. They haven't planned for their future. My own late mother had an opportunity to move into senior apartment living, which included a helper to assist with ADL's. Her name came up to the top of the list. She turned it down, saying "I"m so happy I stayed in my own home." Well, I wasn't because now my dilemma is "What to do with mom as she is living 500 miles away from me, is legally blind, has A-Fib, CHF and such low blood pressure bordering on passing out?" I had to leave my state, family, home and life and move in with her. So meaghan, you're not alone in this dilemma/quandary. In a lot of cases, the caregiver is an elder themselves! A lot of towns have elder case workers on staff plus social workers. Call on that resource, talk to the brother and then sit down with the inlaws to tell them that things cannot go on as it is now.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Llama,

Your answer echoes JoAnn and it is so true! You brought up many important issues.
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Here are some things I managed with my father remembering that he was an habitual gambler, which I didn’t know the depth of at the time
he ran out of money and my brother and I (unbeknownst to each other) gave him $5K each then he went and took out a reverse mortgage on his house, $100,000 K, That lasted him one year
his grandson visited him for a couple of hours while he did his and his grandfather,s washing. Every Saturday That lasted until my father asked for payment for using his water
i was working full time and running around taking him to Dr, dental and hospital appointments
Then one day there was a knock on the door and it was my brother from London
He had come to force dad to sell his house which was now worth a lot of money but he didn’t have the money to keep it. Also time to stop him letting others look after him when he was capable of doing it for himself

the house was sold
all debts paid off, now totalling $150,000K
my friend told me there was an apartment up for sale at the retirement village where his mother was. Cost $20K extra to bring it up to scratch and really nice. It had a full time nurse panic button and dr came every week in clinic
Then I made him put the remainder of his money in a term deposit so he couldn’t touch it and got a cheque book with dual signatures which I used to pay his bills that were paid from interest earned on term deposit. I just rolled the principal over and over
He still Gambled but only had his fortnightly pension to do so
Then I found two non for profit agencies, one through council and one through local diocese of Anglican Church who would pick him up and bring him home from appointments for a very low cost
Because of his age(80) he was entitled to a cleaner for one hour a week who would clean bathroom, kitchen change bed linen and hang out wash
Then I got POA and Enduring Care

so I think the brothers could do a similar thing. Is the father eligible for Veterans Affairs services. Lots of good things there

there really is no need for guilt and recriminations They are very old now and can’t stay in their home without a lot of help. Their house is capital and they should be using it. You all need to be as one and let them know gently but firmly this is the way
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bettina Mar 2019
Excellent plan of action. You both handled your father's situation very well
indeed. It allows dignity and quality of life for all involved.
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You definitely need to talk to his brother asap. A lot of folks have given some great advice about possible game plans. You could also possibly consider helping out
financially a bit if you can afford it, although hopefully the sale of their house and whatever other funds are available to them might be enough. Hopefully they will be able to fund their own care.

I also helped out an elderly neighbor couple for many years, but chose to bow out rather abruptly as I was expected to take on more and more responsibility. All of my efforts at creating real independence for them, such as in home care, remodeling home for mobility issues etc, were undone by a friend and a couple of relatives a few days later. Yet they all continued to expect me to take up the extra slack for them. The extra work I did was only made necessary due to lack of planning and ignoring needed changes for safety, so I quit doing most of it.

Had they remodeled their home and hired in home care they could have stayed safe and sound for many years. (it does not sound like your in laws can afford this option) Or gone to a nicely appointed AL facility. Instead their home became unlivable, they wore out folks like myself, (as like is true for many naysayers and nit pickers, the friend and relatives did almost no work). They became ill and ended up in a not so great facility with few options.

In other words, don't count on that neighbor for continuing to help out. And if your BIL's wife is already burnt out, the care giving team has effectively shrunk to
a party of one. It really is time for them to move and find more appropriate accommodations.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2019
Been there done that and it was for a friend who was a juvenile diabetic who had lost a leg and couldn't drive. Her husband worked f/t so her medical bills could be paid. We started taking her Mom to her doctors just over the bridge in another state. Just maybe once a month. Because GFs husband worked we volunteered to take her to DE to doctors. No problem so far...until her adult challenged daughter got sick. Then we were taking her. Then oldest came home and GF asked if we could take her to dr. appts, here I put my foot down. In one month 3 days out of 7 in one month we were taking someone somewhere it got overwhelming. Yes, we r retired but I didn't plan on being a chauffeur all the time. I got out of it because my Gson was born and I watched him until he was about 2. At that time we had to take my Mom in and I couldn't do both. Some people don't know boundries.
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I have not read all the responses, so forgive me if I am redundant.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, your inlaws are choosing to stay in their home because they are not willing to do whatever is required to not be a huge burden to their children. That is on them.

I get wanting to stay in your home but I completely disagree that anyone can manipulate another to make this happen. And yes, refusing to do what is necessary is manipulating everyone you expect to step in and do for you because you can't and won't change.

I don't think it is anyone's responsibility to figure out what will be done to prop up this house of cards except the parents. Necessity is the mother of invention and when they are left to sort it out, they might make different decisions. As long as their children are propping them up they don't need to do anything different.

Tell you BIL that he shouldn't jump in and rescue them, let them figure it out. If they aren't able then they have no business staying in their house, time for a village.

Enjoy your relocation and I hope it works out well for you and your husband.
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Your H has done his part, as has BIL and SIL (when the parents lived with them).

You have every right to move. He must talk to his brother, and then the two of them should approach their parents with insistence that things are going to change.

This "charade of independence" has lasted long enough.
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My parents just passed away in September at the ages of 87 and 93. My sister lived about 1000 miles away and they had been living in the same area. She felt that their decline was too much to handle, and asked my brother and I to help them move back to our area, which is something that they had wanted. We sold their house and used the money to go into an independent living facility, which they loved. Their declince was rather fast and eventually had to move them to assisted living, which nearly wiped them out financially and emotionally. my brother has his own health issues so the care landed primarily on me (holding the bag). My sister's intent was to do as much as possible from her home thousands of miles away. It turned into constant criticism and trips to our area to double check on their care. In retrospect, it would have been much better for them both to stay in a home where they were happy with caregivers coming in...either in their home or in the independent living facility. My sister is angry at my brother and I , and the family is very split which is not what my parents wanted at all. My sister has many, many regrets and there is no going back.Keep you communication open, be kind, empathetic and honest while being realistic about what you are able to do. Try to respect the opinions of your parents so that you can live with yourself, and respect what family members say they can not do. The cost of in home caregivers ranged from 11 to 18 per hour and while we did this for a short time, it was well worth every penny. We alsp found a nursing student who needed a place to stay, so she did the overnights. All the best as you find a solution to this difficult problem.
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If parents own home, sell it, move, hire others to help.
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First of all, your obligation and that of your husband are to you and your spouse. You work full time and have limited resources so you can't change that fact. I know nothing about the finances of the parents. However, I don't care how stubborn they are, someone should get a Power of Attorney since at their ages and mental states, I doubt they can make proper daily life decisions. Sit down with the brother of your husband and tell him honestly why you have to move. Then consider making them go into a health care facility. That way it does not all fall on your brother in law and they will be safe and cared for. Someone has to be responsible for them in every way, not just appointments and medicines. There is more to caring for them and while it is great to have such a nice neighbor, she obviously does what she does but I would not expect her to do more than that. So, do NOT feel guilty. Just meet with your husband's brother and be honest. And as to finances, Medicaid can help. You need to start doing something - now.
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I can't thank you all enough for your replies.
They have a will- but they will not sign a POA - FIL is quite cognizant but adamant they are not leaving their home - period. BIL cannot bring himself to force the issue but my hubby is willing. They cannot agree- I wonder if he had to spend his retirement running them ---would it change his mind?
FIL gets all his care free from VA - we've explored all options with them. He has a paid for caregiver for 4 hours/week. It used to be 20 hrs/week but they cut hours at the end of 2018. She's lovely and cleans the house (of course not up to MIL's standards!) We're applied for monthly stipend from VA on an expedited status - tons of paperwork - he's a WWII vet. We're requesting help with his VA patient advocate for transport to appointments.
Once again, Hubby is sitting in ER with MIL this morning , this time severe stomach pain- 4:45 am wake up call from the neighbor with an ambulance.
We've explored all options with Social Services in this area and have an assigned Social worker. There is a huge wait list for everything from home care, transport, home nurses - everything. We've obtained some premium relief on Medicare premiums. They are not eligible for Medicaid- slightly over the financial limit. They do receive Meals on Wheels and of course - they don't like it.
They own their house outright. A tremendous amount of MIL's SS goes to more expensive meds every month. It is truly medicare fraud in my opinion. She sees kidney, lung, cardio, thyroid, gastro and primary GP- a constant new ache requires multiple visits/tests, etc. We've tried to rein this in but she's a hypochondriac who's convinced the next pill is the miracle cure. There's always the fear that this time she's really ill, not exaggerating the symptoms for attention which has happened more than once. Negative attention is still attention.

I had written awhile ago about my own parents who are quite a handful. I have 4 siblings and that is a huge help - one is a geriatric RN. They also have a much better financial picture and can afford the costs of aging. I'm sure this battle is coming with them, mom's ready for AL - Dad is adamantly against. We have POA over health & finances. We are also all in agreement that we will force the issue when needed.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
I know it sounds harsh but if the help stops then they will be forced to face their reality. If they know that the team is down to one person this may help them understand their choices are clear. So speak to everyone now. Go to your BIL with a plan and also speak with neighbour as parents will most likely start asking her to do more
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