How to fix the dementia patient's mistakes and not understandings?

How do we fix the mistakes our spouses with dementia make?

Patiently
With humor
Without making the spouse feel bad

If you are getting tired of fixing mistakes, imagine how tired, discouraged, and worthless he must feel to keep making them.

How long have you been caring for him with dementia? What do you do for fun -- with him, and on your own? When was the last time you had a little respite?

It is not humanly possible to care for someone with dementia 24/7/365 without a break and retain your sanity, let alone a cheerful disposition.

Consider arranging some time off for yourself!

Yes, jeannegibbs, he is tired, discouraged and feels worthless. And we talk about it. He's always trying to help do something. Just anything even cutting out coupons.
I've noticed the dementia starting about 2 years ago. That's when I realized that I needed to be chief cook and bottle washer and accountant. Done it before back in the 90's so I know how that feels.
Hubby has long term care insurance. We have a lady come in on Wed and Fri ams for 4 hours. So I do get out. Wed grocery shopping and Friday, my time with my friends. So, I'm not stuck.
Thank you for listening to me while on my pity pot.

Cheyenne, such a difficult situation. BUT can you reassess the in home help you currently have. Since yor husband is already 93, you may be able to use more of your long term care insurance than you presently are. See if you can add hours and still feel comfortable that there will be benefits for him going forward. With a 20 year age difference, you should allow yourself more time to decompress and have some enjoyment. 4 hours on Friday doesn't give you much respite.

Since your husband wants to be helpful, allow him to fold towels and things like that. It will take him much longer than it takes you, but it will keep him busy and you can fuss over the pile when it is done. Depending upon his level of ability, he might be able to shred some papers for you (but I'd start out with small piles and see how it goes).

Hi, geewiz. Some good ideas. His daughter, who lives with us (another story), usually brings the trash cans back to the yard after trash is picked up. She's not here today so I sent him out with his cane to retrieve it. He was as happy as a clam.

To be honest, I don't know where I'd go for a whole day or 8 hours a week. I've been such a homebody since childhood, I feel guilty doing things on my own. Yes, I've had counseling on this. I need to deal with this "devil" on my own now.

Your thoughts are a good start. Thank you. I can talk to God about this a bit more to see what He's got in mind. And I'll need to see if the caregiver wants to do a whole day. I've never done this and it's kinda scary. I feel like I'm not doing my job.

Enough for tonite. Or I'll really get on my pity pot. Thank you. Good nite.

We use wash clothes as single-use hand towels. They are just the right size and much more economical than finger-tip towels. We keep a basket of fresh ones on the vanity and also have a hamper to toss them in as they are used. Especially when my husband was ill we went through A LOT of wash clothes each week. It was his job to fold them. This was a "real" job, because if he didn't do it, we really didn't have hand towels! It make the job more interesting I bought the wash clothes in lots of colors and textures.

It was also his job to use the paper shredder on the papers I collected for that purpose.

Matching up my socks from the laundry worked good. Each pair was unique. His socks were too similar.

If I ever had anything to sort, he was good at that, as long as the amount was not overwhelming. "Here are the screws and washers and bolts, etc. from the bottom of the junk drawer. Can you get them sorted out so we can put them in separate containers?"

My mother (95) is in a nursing home with dementia. Every once in a while I bring in a full coin purse and have her sort the coins into piles. We tally up the amount, and put each coin type in a separate baggie. Sometimes I bring in all the socks from my laundry. She pretends to fret a little, "can't you do this at home?" but her eyes light up and she loves "helping" me. I bought a big jar of beads, and she sorted them by color for the craft program. (You can buy them by individual colors, but this fit the purpose better!) Mom is at the point where she doesn't even need a reason, she just likes sorting things. But in the beginning it was a big bonus that the craft program was going to use the beads.

If two decks of cards have "accidentally" got mingled, sorting them into two separate decks is a worthy pastime.

My husband understood that he had dementia from the very beginning, and that helped talking about his issues. When he would be discouraged I'd try to reassure him:

Of course you can do that. You've done it all your life and you've done it very well. But you've retired from doing those kinds of things. It is time to relax and let someone else do it.

You are a very intelligent man with a great education. You were a successful engineer. You have an above-average memory. The memory just isn't working so good right now. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow.

Your memory isn't so reliable right now. Aren't you lucky to have me to remember for you? I know you would do the same for me!

He loved it when he remembered something I forgot. I'd look at him and say, "Wait a minute. Which one of us has dementia? I forget!"

I always tried to acknowledge his intelligence. We knew that the enemy was dementia, and we tried to outwit it together. I helped him not because he had become dumb, but because due to disease he wasn't working at full capacity. It could happen to anyone.

Wow, jeannegibbs. I like that statement "which one of us has dementia?" He calls himself a "nut case". Like you, I tell him it's due to the disease. Thanks.