How do I get rid of the caregiver my mom likes?

Always it is never too late to change the rules of the game I changed how I let my husband make me feel - I got to the point where when he got mad about something I would say to myself he will get over being mad--when your Mom gives you orders just ignor her and only do what you think you need to do who made her your boss she has no right to treat you like her servant start cutting down on your duties and try to seperate her wants from her needs-it will not be easy but she will not change as long as you do all her biding if she can order you around maybe she can call about meals on wheels instead of everything being done by you.

Wow! You have done way more than you probably should have. You are wise to choose to take care of your self. This is exactly what I meant by "You know you did what you could." Did you ever!

Can you now let go? Does she still need you to do all those things you have sacrificed to do for her? If so then do it. Sounds like you have a family that can use all this love and attention you have to give but has been swallowed up. Please be encouraged that you are a great person with a lot to offer and your mother is not correct about you. I am sure your husband, kids and grand kids are thrilled to have you back!

Janette, I understand where you're coming from . . . but you don't know my mom. I've almost bitten my tongue clean through many times, I've walked away when the fur started to fly, I just smiled while she ridiculed me in front of my family all to be "respectful". This woman has never let a chance go by that she didn't let fly with the verbal insults. I've done everything under the sun to make Mom's life good since my precious dad died. (I've always spoken to the caregiver with the utmost respect.) The more respectful I am to my mom, the meaner she is because then she thinks she has the upper hand with me. For some reason, she expects everyone to bow down to her, especially me. When she took it upon herself to pay the caregiver $400 more than she takes in each month, my son and I stepped in to guide. For a short time, we told we'd let her do it and helped her financially, but it'd have to end soon. She still hasn't forgiven us.If I spent 4 nights per wk at her house, the kids the other 3, she wanted to know why I couldn't spend 7 nights, it was my duty, even though I'm married and my husband has many health issues.(One time I called EMS for him and that evening called for Mom.) Oh yes, we were at my daughter's to ride out Ike. While I was hoping we and the house were going to survive, she started in on me demanding that I call Meals on Wheels to get her set up since on the days she and the caregiver don't go out to lunch, she needed someone to cook for her. You bet, Mom, I'll get right on it, just let this hurricane go through first.
Finally, I said enough is enough. This sad example of a relationship has not been good for over 50 yrs. and no amt of wishing is going to improve it. She preferred my sister and told me so. Well, I'm not going to hasten my departure from this world due to a heart attack brought on by extreme stress or a nervous breakdown on account of her. My husband, my kids and my grandkids deserve to have me around.
Mom has her mental faculties, her health is terrible. It'd be easier to take if she had dementia, she wouldn't be responsible for the meaness. I talk nice to her, I give her money, I cook and clean for her, spend nights in the ER with her, buy her gifts, none of it is good enough. I have reached the limit with her. And I do feel that I've done all I could.

Both of you may try a different approach. Always My Duty, you said you and your mother never had a good relationship. I have learned a very difficult, but profitable, lesson with people. What do they need to hear from you? Not what do you want to say. What do they need you to do for them, not what do you want to do. Most times we see the situation with clearer eyes than they do and make a decision what should be done. Then we act. Which is good. But it backfires if the recipient does not receive it in the way it's intended.

Look at your mothers with new eyes. Look at their caregivers the same way. Work through this as an ally not an adversary. Like I said, it is Very difficult and time consuming, but possible and fruitful. Sounds like you are both correct that these caregivers should go. Start a new relationship with your mothers, from a different angle, stepping lightly but watchfully. Look for the opportunities that will arise to correct and possibly heal your relationship. Then you will have the pull to say what needs to be said in a way that they will hear and accept.

I have had the best results from telling the person (mother or caregiver) what they are doing right. What you admire about them. What you have learned from them. There is always something, even if it's ever so small. Then I sympathize with their complaints keeping that brief. I am gently but firmly truthful about their dilema and questions. They have to be open to hear what you have to say. Truly look at them. Listen to them sometimes without any opinion at all. See what doors will open. Also do everything with patience and love, and quiet confidence. Your mother will feel this from you. This may the hardest you thing you will do. Even if you don't see results for a long time or not at all, at least you know you did what you could.

My fear, with these caregivers, is that they are actually suspect. These caregivers that are "overly caring", a lot of times, are actually fraudulent. At any rate, I'd definately do my own criminal background check. They could be nothing more than gold diggers looking to horn-in on the will. You hear stranger things.

Wow! That's trust and faith!

Enjoy your game.

Should I be worried............I just called my mom to see how she was doing. The caregiver answered spoke for a while and then said that "my" mom told her to answer because she didn't feel like talking.

Now I ask you should I be worried........nahhhhhhhhhhh cause I am really OK with knowing that she's taking such good care of my mom that she doesn't need to talk to me. I'm actually relieved, especially on ESPN NBAFriday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are an angel! Your mom is blessed to have you.

My sister pays rent Austin. When my mom got sick, I made up a rental agreement for them to pay ME now. The rent will continue to be paid to ME even after my mom passes, that is if they want to continue to live in the house which is in a trust for my mom and becomes ours upon my moms passing.

I took leave from work to care for my mom. I am my moms child and she's always been my best friend. It did not matter what my sister chose to do. She is adopted and my moms blood is not running through her body as mine is. My mom and I have always been best friends, and I mean best friends. My sister has always been a little envoius of that but it never mattered to me, my mom has her relationship with her which is totally different from mine. My mom had 4 miscarriages and I was her miracle child, and I've always felt like my mom was a gift from God. Everyone that knows me knows my mom too. Even old boyfriends as I lost my dad in 1972.

My mom made me POA because I'm pretty organized and because my sister never skipped a beat and didn't stop working it mattered to me not. I was able to take care of all her business. I got all her paperwork out of the house and organized. I ordered all the things she needed, and I wrote to everyone about her stroke. I am her contact.

Yeah I go and visit, but sometimes I go and stay, and sometimes she calls me and ask me to come over and I go, and sometimes she calls and I don't answer the phone.

Yeah I'm getting the raw end of the stick, but as I've said now hear me here: when I want to get lost, I know how to do that and I do. It's unfair, but again I say that my mom's mind in not in the condition to understand all that stuff. Things that were annoying to her before don't matter now. The house is a mess, but she doesn't care anymore because there are more important things to worry about, hell I don't even care anymore. I've taken enough pictures of that house to last a lifetime and I'll hang onto them for when I need them but that's a different forum.

You are right I should only be going to visit but my mom doesn't look at it like that and when I use to try and tell her that she'd say I was stirring up trouble, then her blood pressure would go sky high. I don't wanna upset her I just want her to be comfortable and for her mind to be at ease.

When she goes I want it to be as smooth a transformation into Gods hands as possible because truly she is one of God's angels who's been awfully good to an awful lot of people over the course of her life.

Know what I mean?

Pam Your sister should be doing most of the care for your Mom since she lives there and I assume she is not paying rent as is her family so why not let them do the work needed and you only go over to visit your Mom as you want why let your sister use you badly.

Good for you. Take the day off and reflect. You need to be in charge!!!!!!!!!!! Bless you and your kind heart.

Well thank you both, you are so right. Today I went and paid the bills. They were all home today too but my mom had bills that needed to be paid. 2morrow is a Holiday so I'll be home, that's why I went today.

Taken advantage of, yeah but you know my mother doesn't think of it that way and I can't get her to understand that the two of us don't need to be there at the same time.

Call me a sucker, but I tell you one thing, I do know how to disappear when I want too.

If your sister is there, turn around and go home. Better, yet if you know that she is there, don't go at all. You are being taken advantage of.

How are they all holding you hostage? Enjoy your life! Go have fun, and be with encouraging friends. Tell your sister it's her responsibility to care for your mom since she's living in her house.

Well my friends here is the latest. I don't think I deserve that medal just yet.

It's Saturday now. My sister came home from the hospital on Tuesday evening and I was there. She got home about 7pm, came in and said hello to my mom and before you know it she was gone again. Keep in mind she's just gotten out of the hospital. OK, I said. About 2 hours later I saw her lights on her car from my moms window. I had my stuff together ready to go. I kissed my mom and told her I was leaving. This time I met my sister coming through the door, as I was leaving. Ha that will fix her.

Crystal was scheduled for Wednesday from 7am to 7pm. I didn't go over. At 11:30 pm my mom called and asked why I'd given Crystal the day off, so I called the agency and Crystal went over Thursday 7-7. Crystal worked Friday 7-7, again I didn't go over, and here it is Saturday and Crystal worked 7am-3. She called me and said that my sister had something to do and was I coming over. I said OK.

I go over there at 2pm and my sister and her family are in their room watching a DVD. I'd had literally 3 days off, and spent that time on me meaning I did NOTHING because my sons went out of town. I had time to be with ME. So here I am sitting in my moms room after Crystal leaves and it's 2 hours later and I'm still sitting there doing this and that and this and that for her.

Now I'm sure that because I had 3 days off, it got good to me, I'll admit that. I was depressed over there, my mom dozing off and on, asking me questions about the boyz, asking me what day is this, I just had to get out of there. But mainly I felt like WHY SHOULD I BE THERE WHEN MY SISTER AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY IS THERE AND THEY ARE IN THEIR ROOM HAVING A BLAST. Why shouldn't I be at home too. Is this selfish? Has anyone else experienced this? Why can't I come home and watch the Saints and the Colts play............hahaha!!!!!!!!!!

I got up told my mom that I was going HOME. I told my sister that I was leaving.

I left came home, made myself some hot tea, (I won't tell you what I put in the tea) and I'm right back here on this computer.

It just depresses me to no degree to see my mom in this condition. She's always been the life of the party, heck that's where I got it from. But now the tables have turned so drastically. I just couldn't stay there. Am I wrong?

You get a medal, too, for all you do! Bless your heart for caring for your mom. Keep us posted. Hope you get some rest, which will help you handle things as they come.

Well I'm so tired, but one good thing is that my mom is happy as a lark. She loves the new lady, Crystal, and she loves the fact that I am spending the nights with her, in that recliner no doubt, while my sister is still in the hospital. I'm so beat I don't know what to tell you but I am so so so happy that Crystal has helped me to brighten my mom's days. She's a big girl and can even lift my mom however she's got my mom walking and walking and walking and the best thing about her walking is that she gets TIRED!!!! and instead of tossing and turning all night, she SLEEPS, which means I can sleep too.

I don't think I will stay the entire night tonight, my sister's kids are there 16 and 19 years old so I think I'll go for a while and come home. I'll go back Tuesday as she has a Dr's appt and I've got to take her. We ride the Access which is equipped for wheelchairs and it only cost $2.25 each way. Leave the driving to them.

It's rough, it really is but I just thank God that my mom likes the new lady who has really been a blessing. Very professional, and very positive and knows what she's doing.

I don't have real estate POA my moms house is in her trust and goes to both my sister and I should anything happen to her but I do have Financial POA. My mom didn't want to give either one of us Medical POA but I have written a long letter to Kaiser and advised them that I will be handling things for her. When she first got sick I made myself known when I was requesting everything that she needed. Even had to threaten to call Michael Moore if she couldn't get the things she needed: Medical bed, Trapeze bar, hoya lift (I returned that), and things like that.

So that's the latest and I look forward to your comments and thank you everyone so very much. I hope everything is going OK in your loved ones world.

You all deserve medals.

Family can really mess things up for the responsible one. Sometimes a parent can, too. Please keep us updated about how things turn out. Hoping the best for you and your mom!

NO, you are not being unreasonable. Give them a time limit, sell the house and use the proceeds to support your mom in her new placement. Do you have real estate POA? There is a difference. Make sure it is only her name on the deed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well here is the latest, and I won't even sugar coat it.

Since my sister is in the hospital again, (see HELP I AM DESPERATE), I'm jipped all over again. My mother's care giver worked today from 7am to 7pm, Sunday 1/10/10 to help me out after I had to suddenly go to my moms after my sister was hospitalized.

So now since my sister's husband and her daughter are not reliable and won't convey to me when they'll be there, or not, and my nephew comes and goes, (remember they all live in my moms house with her), so now I have to go over my moms house by 7pm to stay with my mom until 7 am when Crystal arrives.

Daily I go over there at 11 to bring my mom a dinner, then I'd go over at 3 till my sister comes home. OK so I'm increasing Crystals hours to 7 am to 7pm but how fair is that for me to have to go over and spend the night there. Even when my sister comes home she won't feel very good. Oh by the way this is a result of Gastric Bypass Surgery, the colon is blocked, hmmm.

I am so grateful that I found out last Friday that my mom was approved for Medical, this will truly help me out, now I'll pay the Agency and myself since I have been the one who's done practically all of the work for my mom.

But it really makes me angry that my sister and her family consistently get a FREE RIDE. If I put my mom in a nursing home, you best bet I'd do everything I could to get my sister's family out of my moms house. Why should they be allowed to remain there and my mom have to be in a home.

Honestly I am sick of being the one who has to do it all, just sick to death. No time for me, or my sons. I love my mom am I being unreasonable??????????

No spellchecking folks, sorry.

Lilliput, You are so right. We had one steal from us and I could not get rid of her sooner!! And she was from an agency. I do make friends of some of my helpers since they are such wonderful people, but sometimes you do have to keep your distance. Pamela,Take charge and do what you think is right.

Pamela,
Your sibling is doing the classic "throw a tantrum and excuse yourself from responsibility." It has happened to me.

I now look at it this way: My mom is my prime concern. I trust my instincts and move forward. If you have her PoA, you mother has put you in charge because she trusts you.

You are correct to fire the "busy body." My mom tends to make friends with anyone who comes into her home. I keep telling her that these people are paid to WORK...they are not your friends or family and not there to socialize. I instruct them on what they need to do and keep a close eye on everyone. If I had a gut instinct that some one was crossing the line, I would fire them in a heartbeat. There are too many good agencies out there that will be competing for your business.

Even if your mom protests, always do what is best for her.

Update: my mom really likes the new care taker, Crystal. She is very good and doesn't have a problem when my mom and I need to talk business, she asks if she should exit the room. There is a new problem though with my sister. She will meet Crystal 2morrow as she will work from 10 - 6 on Friday but she seems to be leaving the house after I leave. Let me go back. Crystal's hours are 7 am till 3 pm. I go at 3 till my sister comes home, (trying to keep it on a budget). The real problem is that my sister is not communicating with me, very angry that I've taken control, (which needed to be done). She won't tell me when she will be gone and won't ask me to be there when she needs me to be, she will only tell my mom and by the time my mom tells me, it's all confusing. I don't mind staying there but I'd like a life too. Now she tells my mom that she will be gone ALL NEXT WEEK! What the heck is that suppose to mean? Does that mean that I need to be there ALL NEXT WEEK. I can't talk to her, she's mad because I have POA and I'd actually like to put them out and move in myself but I'm trying to just take care of my mom. All that other stuff isn't working on me cause I just want to make sure my mom is taken care of.

Any suggestions?

I have hired help from agencies and also independents. Both are viable options if you do your homework. My problem came when I didn't set the proper boundaries. One woman was with me for over 3 years and she became too difficult to deal with. She became depanding when it came to money and time. I am in charge of my house, so this attitude did not work for me. My solution was to cut her hours. Mom loved her, but did not see the problems that arose because of the caregivers problems at home.
She was messing up mom's meds and she was a nurse!!! The last nerve was snapped when she started kicking my puppy. I fired her . It was easier since she never worked summers and it was a natural ending. After the summer was over, I called her and told her we didn't need her anymore. It was painless since I didn't give mom a say in the matter. She was not seeing it as a safety issue. I was so relieved to have her out of my house.

If you are not comfortable with the situation, follow your instincts!!! I did and replaced her with a wonderful woman from the agency. She is the best I have ever had, and respect her work ethics. Good luck.

UPDATE-UPDATE. I'm going to try to make a long story short.

This morning, (Monday) my mom called me @ 7:15 AM and asked if I'd changed the care-giver, if I'd changed her hours from 7 to 3. I said yes, and my mom said that the care-giver told her "I DON'T WORK THOSE HOURS", and told my mother thank you for being such a great client and LEFT!. Do you hear me, she LEFT!!!! Luckily my sister was there and went to work late. I'm sure Jerroldanne talked to my sister prior to leaving though.

I told my mom that I'd be over straight away. On my way I called the new agency and asked if the new lady could come over today for training and so she did.

Now I am very angry that Jerroldanne Harroldson left and you best believe I phoned the agency and told them in which they said she can no longer work for them because she'd abandoned her post, so to say, but there must be something else that I can do to alert people about this unprofessional. If she was upset with the hours, shy did she agree when the agency called to inform her? I didn't mind her cancelling at that time, but to do so this way really let's me know the reason she did it was to start mess.

Luckily my mom was really OK with it. I'd already expressed my dissatisfaction with this lady to my mom. And my intentions were to lose her all together. So I should feel happy, but I kind of feel for my mom. It seemed better to just outright cut the ties as soon as possible and with no hesitation and I certainly have no remorse for doing so. Does that make me mean, coneiving, no that just makes me an attentive daughter who is cautious. And that is what we should all be.

Ms. Crystal kept calling my mom "mamma" and my mom said that she had some good ideas. But I have to tell you that I am so happy to get rid of that troublemaker that I don't know what to do. Of course I'm sure my sister will talk to my mom tonight and my mom will further confront me with questions 2morrow and my answers will be that I did what I felt in my heart that I needed to do and that will be that.

Pam good for you finding a solution- it sounds great and you telling us about this may very well help out others with simuliar problems. This site is so great even though my husband passed away I feel drawn to be here, you are a blessing to others-keep us posted how things work out.

Good news: my mom and I interview another care taker, (whom I'd liked 2 weeks ago but my mom said was too FAT!). I liked her and brought her back for a second interview. When she sat down and talked to my mom for an hour, about cooking and Louisiana down home cooking, my mom is willing to give her a try. She starts next Wednesday.

I called the agency and told them to reduce GODZILLA's hours from 7 a to 7 p to 7 a to 3 pm. They said OK and will call her tomorrow.

I'm sure she will complain to my mom and my sister, but I will go over there at 3 and stay till my sister comes home. Only thing about that is my sister will take advantage and stay out as long as possible but that's OK, it's worth it to get her out, and this new lady IN.

Gosh I hope she works out.

I'll keep you posted though.

By the way I'm certainly glad I found this website!

Pamela - that sounds like a good start. Finding a win-win for you AND your mom is the most important thing. Good luck with this and please keep us informed, I'd like to know what ends up happening. Cheers, Shawna

I think I'm going to start by reducing her hours from 12 hours to 8. Perhaps she will not like it and will ask the agency to find her someone else who wants 12 hours. I'll just have to go over and fill in for those extra 4 hours or until my sister comes home.

Unfortunately, our elderly parents often form an emotional bond with their caregivers. This is one reason it is so important to get someone with a legit company who is bonded and with whom you have a contract. Even a long time friend of the family cannot always be trusted to care for an aging parent because as I read in a book that fact becomes a bridge for them to walk accross and take advantage of the person's dependency upon the caregiver. The name of the book with this particular story is Is Your Parent in Good Hands?: Protecting Your Aging Parent from Financial Abuse and Neglect

One of the biggest problems is the lack of laws on the books to protect elderly parents from abuse when the adult children can clearly see it. The emotional dependency of the aging parent on the caregiver who may or may not be taking advantage of them will often keep them from speaking out because they are afraid of loosing them. This is probably a poor analogy, but to expect an emotionaly dependent victim of an abusive care giver to file charges is like expecting an abused child to file charge against their parents or other relatives. We need new laws.