How do I get rid of the caregiver my mom likes?

Both of you may try a different approach. Always My Duty, you said you and your mother never had a good relationship. I have learned a very difficult, but profitable, lesson with people. What do they need to hear from you? Not what do you want to say. What do they need you to do for them, not what do you want to do. Most times we see the situation with clearer eyes than they do and make a decision what should be done. Then we act. Which is good. But it backfires if the recipient does not receive it in the way it's intended.

Look at your mothers with new eyes. Look at their caregivers the same way. Work through this as an ally not an adversary. Like I said, it is Very difficult and time consuming, but possible and fruitful. Sounds like you are both correct that these caregivers should go. Start a new relationship with your mothers, from a different angle, stepping lightly but watchfully. Look for the opportunities that will arise to correct and possibly heal your relationship. Then you will have the pull to say what needs to be said in a way that they will hear and accept.

I have had the best results from telling the person (mother or caregiver) what they are doing right. What you admire about them. What you have learned from them. There is always something, even if it's ever so small. Then I sympathize with their complaints keeping that brief. I am gently but firmly truthful about their dilema and questions. They have to be open to hear what you have to say. Truly look at them. Listen to them sometimes without any opinion at all. See what doors will open. Also do everything with patience and love, and quiet confidence. Your mother will feel this from you. This may the hardest you thing you will do. Even if you don't see results for a long time or not at all, at least you know you did what you could.

Janette, I understand where you're coming from . . . but you don't know my mom. I've almost bitten my tongue clean through many times, I've walked away when the fur started to fly, I just smiled while she ridiculed me in front of my family all to be "respectful". This woman has never let a chance go by that she didn't let fly with the verbal insults. I've done everything under the sun to make Mom's life good since my precious dad died. (I've always spoken to the caregiver with the utmost respect.) The more respectful I am to my mom, the meaner she is because then she thinks she has the upper hand with me. For some reason, she expects everyone to bow down to her, especially me. When she took it upon herself to pay the caregiver $400 more than she takes in each month, my son and I stepped in to guide. For a short time, we told we'd let her do it and helped her financially, but it'd have to end soon. She still hasn't forgiven us.If I spent 4 nights per wk at her house, the kids the other 3, she wanted to know why I couldn't spend 7 nights, it was my duty, even though I'm married and my husband has many health issues.(One time I called EMS for him and that evening called for Mom.) Oh yes, we were at my daughter's to ride out Ike. While I was hoping we and the house were going to survive, she started in on me demanding that I call Meals on Wheels to get her set up since on the days she and the caregiver don't go out to lunch, she needed someone to cook for her. You bet, Mom, I'll get right on it, just let this hurricane go through first.
Finally, I said enough is enough. This sad example of a relationship has not been good for over 50 yrs. and no amt of wishing is going to improve it. She preferred my sister and told me so. Well, I'm not going to hasten my departure from this world due to a heart attack brought on by extreme stress or a nervous breakdown on account of her. My husband, my kids and my grandkids deserve to have me around.
Mom has her mental faculties, her health is terrible. It'd be easier to take if she had dementia, she wouldn't be responsible for the meaness. I talk nice to her, I give her money, I cook and clean for her, spend nights in the ER with her, buy her gifts, none of it is good enough. I have reached the limit with her. And I do feel that I've done all I could.

Wow! You have done way more than you probably should have. You are wise to choose to take care of your self. This is exactly what I meant by "You know you did what you could." Did you ever!

Can you now let go? Does she still need you to do all those things you have sacrificed to do for her? If so then do it. Sounds like you have a family that can use all this love and attention you have to give but has been swallowed up. Please be encouraged that you are a great person with a lot to offer and your mother is not correct about you. I am sure your husband, kids and grand kids are thrilled to have you back!

Always it is never too late to change the rules of the game I changed how I let my husband make me feel - I got to the point where when he got mad about something I would say to myself he will get over being mad--when your Mom gives you orders just ignor her and only do what you think you need to do who made her your boss she has no right to treat you like her servant start cutting down on your duties and try to seperate her wants from her needs-it will not be easy but she will not change as long as you do all her biding if she can order you around maybe she can call about meals on wheels instead of everything being done by you.

Janette and Austin,
Yes I can let go now and the rules of game have changed, not by me but by Mom. Several wks ago, she told me and the kids that she was going to live her own life her own way, on her own and we were to leave her alone.(Obviously, she didn't think we were doing a good job taking care of her.) She won't talk to us, won't see us, won't call us. She is not on her own ( I wouldn't allow that no matter what.) The caregiver I mentioned before, "Daisy", has moved into Mom's home. Daisy is my age so she has now become the new daughter & roomie. I checked references and the agency, all were very good. I don't think Daisy is after Mom's $ (doesn't have much), she told me many times that Mom reminds her of her own mother (died). We feel she really does love Mom. If Mom wants Daisy, I guess we have to go with it. I think Daisy overstepped, knowing Mom had a family who participated. Mom dislikes/resents me,has hinted she'd call authorities if I didn't let her do what she wants. All my life, Mom waits for us to be alone then starts arguments,insults me,etc. I try never to be alone with her except while she sleeps. She may be frail but her tongue is razor sharp.
I always knew Mom was capable of doing something like this. I just didn't think she ever would go this far. I'm calling a lawyer next wk to protect myself.
Do you know how sad it is to read back to myself what I've just written?

AlwaysMyDuty why are you calling a lawyer to protect yourself?

PAM:

If this caregiver is actually performing the duties she was hired for, I don't see any harm in her being your mom's girlfriend. The constant jibber-jabber, believe it or not, is helping your mother heal and keeping her balanced. Boundaries, however, must be respected. And she seems to have a problem with this. I'd pull her to the side discretely, point out all the positive things she's doing for your mom first, and then tell her you're not comfortable with her intrusions. In other words, draw the lines clearly and enforce them consistently. If that doesn't work, talk to your mom and tell her why you think the caregiver isn't working out. ... But at least give the woman a chance.

No that was an initial thread. I got rid of JAWS a long time ago. I am pretty satisfied with the one we have now. I liked her from the start.

Of course I am a selfish daughter and cringe at the thought of anyone other than me being close to my mom however in this case she is wonderful. She weighs a ton about 350 lbs. but she can lift my mom. I'm OK with her and my mom likes her also.

They should all be watched, and never be made to think they have free rein, that's just how it is but I am kool with this new one. She's been with my mom for almost what about 6 weeks I think.

My mom had one concern which I called the agency about. Since she's so big she is limited in scrubs. She has 2 that are nice and then she wears sweats and a t shirt which aren't so clean. Well soiled somewhat. One pair of sweats had a hole in them. I called the agency and asked them to talk to her about it and they did.

AlwaysMyDuty, my heart really goes out to you. My mom has also kicked us to the curb and has chosen a new "family" now. That was after a "Distortion Campaign," of not just razors, but lies! Libelous lies in print with her "Christmas" cards! However, any sane mind can read between those lines... It's the insane ones we worry about!

I hired a lawyer, too (and let mom pay for him). Thing is, he was happy to accept her money, but wouldn't send a Cease & Desist, or do much of anything to help or defend me. Next time I'll spare my own cash, if needed, finding a bulldog with big ole honking fangs! I fully expect that things will become much worse, as predicted by her clinical assessment team.

Pamela, I'm sorry for you, too. It's hard to accept when a mom can act like that. At least she's getting some help, and is not being abused. Sounds like the Caregiver has her own issues. Moving in with your mom? How intrusive is that? I understand your reservations. I'd have a hard time with that, too. Why are boundaries always the hardest things to establish and enforce?

Best wishes to all of you!

is the caregiver doing her job or is the talking distracting her? Maybe you can talk to her personally and tell her there are certain things you expect from her and prying is not one of htem.

It's a tough one because finding the right caregiver that bonds with your parent and does a good job is a difficult one. Sometimes you have to just put up with it if it benefits your mom. But, if she's not doing her job either, then you'll have to get another one and explain to your mom that it wasn't working out--but expect a back lash if you get another one and your mom's not happy with that one.

What a shame. Never know how people are going to turn out. Who knows she could be getting money from her too. Looks like she has won the mother over and who knows what else. She could get the mother to leave everything to her. That has been done.

Reba, ditto. It's hard on those who love and want the best for our mothers. We read about it happening to other people, too. It doesn't always make sense, and often beyond our control.

I'm contacting a lawyer because Mom/I jointly own her home, have joint cking/svings acct, etc. and Mom refuses to have contact with any of us. If Mom wants Daisy to have anything, let her. None of us want/need anything she owns. If it comes down to it, we'll foot the bill for Mom's needs. Believe this is Mom's power play. She demanded that I take care of her and when she saw she couldn't call ALL the shots, she rebelled. Also is very jealous of my relationship w/my adult kids. They participate fully in the caregiving.I'm fortunate that we are such a good team. However, they're fed up too. When they're alone w/her, she downgrades me,they don't like it.
Some of this my involve my sister (not on speaking terms with) but then again, I'd be surprised she'd put out the effort since she has no spine or interest in anything that isn't "pleasant" to deal with.
I appreciate this forum more than words can say. Thanks to all who comment. I feel so much better today,I'm going to go see my kids/grandkids and enjoy myself! :-)

AlwaysMyDuty, I appreciate your insight and attitude. Sad your mom sees things a different way. Hopefully your attorney will help protect you, and the best interests of your mom, as well. Hope your time with the grandkids and yours kids is blessed!

Right now I am in tears for you! Do you have support and the love you need? I pray that you do . You certainly deserve it. You are doing the right thing no matter how hard it is. Who your mother is was not your choice. Who you choose to be is. I am praying for you.

Janette, how compassionate you are. Bottom line is Mom's hateful, doesn't much care for me and I need to accept it. Right now she may have Daisy but she isn't seeing her grandkids and great grandkids. She isn't setting a very good example either.
My daughter has been trying to have a baby for 14 yrs. She and husband adopted an infant a few months ago. Mom has seen him once, with Daisy in attendence, watching our every move, which I'm just now remembering. No calls to check on him, ask to see him, no gift. Daughter is very hurt,I'm disgusted.
Mom told my son that once the baby came, I'd spend some of "her" time with baby and she didn't like it. ???
I'm choosing to be me, you're right. My family loves me and that's all I need. Thanks for your prayers :-)

Well I didn't know congrads were in order here: Congrads Grandma Alwaysmyduty!!!!

Oh by the way Grandma :) the law of averages says after a couple adopts a child, the mother usually get's pregnant. So you better get ready for another one :)

Pamala is correct! The odds of them getting pregnant do go up. I feel for your daughter. But the fact that she is very hurt shows how much love she still has for this woman she has as a grandmother. She didn't choose this woman either.

Doesn't really matter if Daisy is in attendance, would your mom be any nicer if she wasn't? Doesn't sound like she has been in the past. Maybe this situation with Daisy has brought the real truth out in full view. The last straw maybe?

My mom worked a lot as we grew up. Then she passed away when I was 16. This has made me work harder on being there for my kids. We are very close. My first grandchild was born Sept. 28th, 2009. Now I get to be grandma, and in a way my kids get a grandma too. So go have fun! Love life! Congratulations!

Thanks Pamela. It would be great if there was another addition one day. Fingers are crossed!
Janette, so happy you're a grandma. It's beautiful, isn't it?
I asked Daughter if she was hurt because she loves grandma. Answered "no way", I'm hurt because she can spend on others, do for others, but not for my baby. Said her grandma never was much of a grandmother (she wasn't).
I'm sorry you lost your mom too early. It sounds like you kept a positive attitude about your own kids. Good for you!
I didn't feel Daisy needed to be at the baby's first visit. She had been out and about but think Mom called her when I called to say we'd be over. Just felt like Daisy was overstepping and butting in. Oh well, I'm moving on.

Good for you! That is a great example for your family too. Thanks for noticing my good attitude. It's hard at times (sometimes ALL the time) but I work on it all the time.

Well now my mom doesn't trust her care-giver, says she's stealing from her.

Mom has been looking for this jogging suit for 5 months. Found the pants, now she can't find the top. She says she believes the "help" stole it, and took it home and soaked in it cold water to stretch it out. Mind you the "help" weighs close to 300-320 lbs. and that would be a whole lot of stretching. This has to be a symptom of Dem/Alz but the next sentence is not.

There's a bruise on my moms arm and she cannot account for how it got there.

But I will find out how that happened. Don't want to blame the wrong person.

Oh by the way, this is not the caregiver that I wanted to get rid of, this is the one I liked, and I thought my mom did too, but now mom complains that she doesn't do anything.

Yesterday when my mom and I came in from the garden, and walked around to the front onto the ramp, when enterring that "help" was again watching that stupid Maury Pouvich show. My mom said "THAT'S GARBAGE" a far cry from the last time I was there and the "help" said she likes the show. I knew all along this isn't anything that my mom normally watches. Taste change but that would be DRASTIC!!!!

Go eith your gut!!!!!!! I did and things are so much better. Keep trying. You don't always get the right person on the first few tries. It took me years to find the gal we have now and she is perfect!!

Out of about a dozen caregivers, One worked out. She was honest,loyal,compassionate,always on time,never took off and really seemed to care.The funny part of it was she was the one we liked the least at first because she talked so-ooo much,but her good far outweighed her bad.We had to hire indiviuals because of being in rural location.

Well here we go again, except this time I'm not researching.

Yesterday while mom and I were working in the garden, under the close eye of the "help" mom said this: "SHE'S A DIRTY BITCH". Now I was blown away because my entire life I think I've only heard my mom say this word maybe twice. I asked her why she says that about her care-giver and she says "she just is". Said she goes back and tells sis everything. Well I already knew that. But while we were in the back yard she sat away from us where she could watch what my mother said. So I sat in front of my mom so she couldn't see her lips. Mom said she told her that and the "help" asked her why she said that and mom said this: "you think I don't see what's going on but I do". Hmmmm makes me wonder what's really going on as my mom said she didn't want to go into any detail. I imagine sister has given her a mouthful and my mom has heard them conspiring. Oh well.

Mom says the "help" doesn't like me, well that's because of what sis has said. Means nothing to me though. But mom now goes on saying that she doesn't like her and for me to find somebody else. I'm not doing that though because I'm out of that loop.

I did however take a wonderful pix of her on the reclyner that I can email to the agency owner, there sitting in her favorite spot.

Mom says she eats everything she can get her hands on, (she weighs 300-325 lbs.) and that she is not as nice to her as she was in the beginning. Now I'm figuring it's because I'm not there that much. So I'm going back over there today. Mom and sis also want me to start coming back over once or twice a week, to relieve some of that bill. Not to sure about that though but I have noticed that she is a little forceful with my mom telling her to do things rather than asking her like she use to do. Mom says she asks too many questions. This was the problem with the other one but mom says that I'm the one that picked her! Guess she couldn't wait to blame me for that one.

How do you know what to do? How do you know who you can trust? I couldn't be there 24/7 and it's hard for me to even be there 12 hours, really. Mom is always dolling out orders: rub my neck, rub my hands, put some carmex on my lips, put some vicks sauve under my nose, push me up in the bed.....all day long. I wonder if she even ask the "help" to do that.

Also the "help" goes in the living room to watch her stories instead of staying in my moms room. I do have a problem with that.

This must be similar to Nursing Homes. When the cats away, the mouse will play meaning if no one is there watching, she will do what she wants. She knows what time brother-n-law comes home, and sis so in between that time she does what she wants.

My mom is calling me now to come over and plant some onions, and bell peppers so I got to go.

My my my it just never ends, no matter how you think you've detached yourself, no matter how secure you think you've made things for your parents, it's just seems like there's no end.

O, Pamela. Your mom sounds like quite the...I cannot find the word. Sounds like you need to trust your deepest instincts. I like your photograph idea! You're a brilliant one. The worker really won't like you, then. 2 days? Without pay? NOT!!! Let your sister deal with mom. You did your time, and all they did was complain, remember? Not a good idea to get pulled back into the loop; at least NOT like that! ~my 2 cents.

If you can get rid of her, do so. Trust your gut and go with it. I have a wonderful woman, but it too me a long time to find her, 3 1/2 years. I have had other good help, but some really bad ones. Love the picture idea. Listen to Secret sister. She is very wise and has been through what we have.

Pamela, that is the coolest flower. And yes, we love you!

Lovingdaughter has been a long time supporter. Thank you, friend. How goes all for you? Haven't seen one of your lovely posts for a while? Nice to see you here. Love you, too!

I'm going to purchase a nanny cam! My mom told me today that sister told her that we shouldn't talk about the "help" because she'd been to nice to my mom. I told my mom that at 90 years old she's earned the right to say exactly what she wants to say.

In my mind what is happening is sis and the "help" are trying to set up my mom so that she will be beholding to them, in other words whatever is done, will be alright. That just don't sit well with me so rather than send the email, I think I'll just get that darn nanny cam and do my own investigation.

I got sucked in today, of all days on my Birthday. Went over working in the garden, next thing you know the "help" says she's leaving at noon. I'm sitting there like what you mean I have to spend my Birthday here, OK. Well I'd bought a cake and cider and me and mom ate cake outside in the garden along with the guy who helps out in the back yard. We also ate fried catfish and oysters, um um good. I got home in time to spend time with my sonz though and that was great.

I'm gonna watch out though after this sunday which I'll be there as sister's daughter has a tournament, (always the excuse to leave). My priest is also coming by to give mom communion and we always have a blast. Academy Awards come on so I'm gonna do my best to have her completely taken care of so I can watch the show but I'm sure I'll still have to do a lot. Comb my hiar, put carmex on my lips, rib my neck, but my knee, check to see if the front door is closed I'm cold, check the heater make sure it's on 90...........90.....what.........and so on, and so on, and so on.

Did you ever have a show and tell. It's like a T.V. with projection. I remember the movie Heidi and the song from it went like this:

[Heidi, Heidi, do this, do that, don't be silly, don't be stupid, there's no time for fun. ]

Anyone ever have one of those as a child?