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1956Sherry - Im so sorry and wish I was there to be there for you. I understand to a point, but I do not have a family member with dementia. I hope your doing ok today, and you, like I and others have to figure something out. Sometimes I wonder why Im still here when either way Im wrong. Im done too. In your situation the others are right, you need lawyers,Dr.s etc and see what help is out there for your husband so you can step back and see what it is you need/want.

I cant add any advice, you already got it, but I understand the feeling... the stress, the loss of hope the loss of giving a darn and throwing in the towel. Your not alone and Im thinking of you with many hugs
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My dad would not activly shop.. but any caller on the phone he wanted to buy their stuff, Once he wanted to buy a tablet because he thought it was a pill... And I can;t tell you how many times he wanted to buy a computer that would be ;ready to go; right out of the box.. they have no internet and he would not be able to figure it out anyway! Thank god Mom was able to head this stuff off. Now they live with us.. and he can't figure the phone out. Take a deep breath and get you nerves back. I do agree with the separation versus divorce thing in regards to insurance, etc, You still get away, but not screwed. And the info about closeing the bank accounts and putting them in your name.. maybe sneaky but safer
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Many of us have been to this point, but read again what SWAMBO added, as I read that, it's me, I follow her strategy, and as she says, it's not perfect, but it does work, and a bit easier to take control of many unruly situations. The suggestions to take the keys, take the car, take this, take that, only escalates those with Alzheimers to the max. You need a work around as SWAMBO says, if your husband can get his meds re- evaluated , this will certainly help you keep your calm. If he's telling you he's taking a long trip & can actually do it, you have got to listen to what's said here & the Dr would be the first step, he doesn't even have to go in to the Drs you just call & explain that things are out of control & you need his meds titrated to calm him down. Got rid of my husbands car & keys two years ago, was it easy, no way, that was another " work behind the scenes" & he stills demands his car at times, I just change the subject as soon as I know it's coming out of his mouth. Do something before some innocent family finds they are head on with a person with dementia driving on the same side of the interstate. Bless you, scream cry kick, then please get yourself help.
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So sorry for you i guess you never think about this side of it and just how crazy things can get? mum blows her money on silly things but thankgod she dosnt have much money to biserk! i pay bills and make sure she pays food then i dont care what she does with the rest as there is nothing i can do im her daughter BUT surely there has to be some protection for a spouse? gosh you just dont think about this happening if you were to marry someone! i really hope you get this sorted soon what a nightmare. But yes calm down and breath then get organised im sure a lawyer can help you now!
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Sandibeach-I understand where you're coming from but you have to take a breather just go window shopping or go get something to eat and sit in the car and if you need to scream - just do it. Tell yourself you're going to get through this it's not going to last forever...bless you
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I'd also like to mention that getting a durable power of attorney (as at least one poster suggested) absolutely does NOT stop a person from handling his own affairs. Only a court finding of incompetency does that.
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One doesn't often stop to think of what happens with a dementia sufferer is totally out of control. What DOES one do?? You need an attorney. Badly. Maybe an elder care attorney. This can't be THAT unusual. I'm sure it happens. I'm thinking you'll have to file for guardianship to really stop him.

Divorce him? Well, I have to say that, if the court finds him disabled, which it certainly sounds like he is? That might be rather difficult. You definitely need an attorney.

So then, I think, what would I do? Well, here it is: If you have joint accounts? Go check out all the money. If you have a checking account that he can write on? Close it and open one he can't. I'm assuming your assets are held jointly; wherever you can? Liquidate them and put them in your own name. Close all of your joint credit cards. (I'm not sure how easy this is to do actually, but I'd have a go at it.) And then? I'd be prepared for war.

Please understand, I'm not saying STEAL the money. I'm saying PROTECT it. By his spending habits (which I haven't particularly heard of regards dementia), I almost wonder if he's bi-polar...?

I sure do wish you well. And hang on tight. You can handle this.
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Sounds like YOU are the ONE that needs HELP!! Go see a PSHYCHIATRIST! And STOP writing in UPPERcase and lowerCASE. Jeeeez!
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I have a similar situation also. Only my mom has alzheimers and my dad is right behind her. He hates me for getting DPOA of her and trying to do the right thing. Distrusts me and thinks I'm taking all of their money. I am a nervous wreck, don't sleep, and worry all day long. It seems a never ending battle when someone just keeps fighting you when all you're trying to do is help! My brother so much has told me he doesn't want to come down even for a visit! Just talks to them once a day on the phone. Anyone know how to get your mind off of the situation at the moment and try and relax? If I keep going at this pace, I will be right behind them!
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So knowing his mental health you are going to walk away when he really needs you the most. That is so sad. Far as POA if he signs one for your son you can protest it, he is not in the right frame of mind and it will be null n void. Perhaps you should have him evaluated by a mental health specialist, not only for his health but as documentation in case he does get someone other than you for his POA.
Sounds like you need a mini vacation, it would do you a world of good. As far as him driving that is dangerous with dementia, call DMV and tell them the situation also talk to his doctor and his doc will get intouch with DMV and they will take his driving lic. I had to do my mom like that, she would go all over the road and get lost just going a few miles to town. One more peice of advice, reach inside yourself and fine the love you have for your husband, love will see you thru hard times.
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I'm saddened and shocked by what I'm reading. The FIRST thing you do with dementia is get a durable power of attorney for finances and another one for health care, hopefully utilizing a reputable elder care attorney. The second SHOULD be done by your doctor but you may have to do it -- take away the keys and sell his car. Keep your keys hidden. See a psychologist for yourself. Get on medication if you need it. Enlist friends or family members to give you respite, even if it's only a few hours at a time. It can make a world of difference. Give the patient enough money that if you're out, he can buy a cup of coffee or a coke. Look into the possibility of adult day care. Read the 36-Hour Day. Create a daily schedule, hopefully with his help, and stick to it. They need structure and lots of it. Someone earlier mentioned a positive attitude. So important. Don't argue. You cannot win with someone with dementia. Go with his strengths and any interests he may still have. Your anger is just making the situation worse. It's hard not to get angry. Trust me, I know. But it won't help either of you. Let go of it and try compassion.

First step; attorney, hopefully elder care. They are a wealth of information. Second, psychologist for yourself.

My husband is 60 and cannot carry on a coherent conversation. Tonight I got to buy men's Depends for the first time. He doesn't know our kids' ages (and sometimes doesn't know how many we have). He confuses me with his mother. He has a beautiful ring I bought him. He tells people his father have it to him. I know the truth and I see the sadness in his eyes when he can't understand or has to admit he doesn't remember.

Yes it sucks. Yes it's hard. It's not fair to either of you. Life isn't fair. It is what it is and we have to make the best of it. One of the most important things you can do is be proactive. Ways be a couple of steps ahead. Make the hard decisions before you need to. It's easier and then you're ready. Choose the assisted living or nursing home before you need it. Find out if you can qualify for Medicaid. Nursing homes are thousands per month. Do your homework. If you need help to do it, get help. A child, sibling, friend, social worker can all be support to you.

Good luck to all of you.
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Lord give you strength to do what you must.
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You should see a lawyer, but first clear your head. Logically, you need to separate your finances from his. Get away for a few days, stay with family or friends that can let you vent until your feet are back on the ground. Maybe even ask the MD for anxiety meds and a counselor to work it through. Good grief we have Al-Anon for families, we need Dementia-Anon too.
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Reading about Sherry's dilemma really hits home -- the mind is compromised but the will is intact, as is the overall physical health, and the instinct is to fight back with everything you've got when he's not thinking/acting rationally, which gets you even more frustrated and upset. Several months ago I was feeling very much like Sherry, desperately wishing there were a way out, but I decided to experiment and change MY attitude and MY approach, since in this situation that's really the all I can control. Noticing that my husband mirrors my moods, I've been striving to approach things in a more cheerful, positive manner, and the result thus far has been encouraging. Yes, I still need to be devious at times to protect him/us from himself; but I'm learning to hold my tongue and stop being so openly contentious while quietly handling sensitive matters behind the scenes. I am fortunate in that he no longer drives, but I do deal with his tendency to spend indiscriminately, as well, and this is done on a piecemeal basis. Many times I am able to either cancel unnecessary -- and sometimes expensive -- online subscriptions he has ordered, and I've also found that I can simply return his extraneous clothing purchases with no consequences thanks to his short-term memory loss issues; and I much prefer these measures to butting heads with him, as was my initial response to his impulsiveness and extravagance. So I guess I'm finding that I catch more flies with sugar than I did with vinegar, and although it's not always easy to put on a happy face, the success I've enjoyed thus far is encouraging me to keep at it.

Sherry, although this may not be your solution, I do hope you can sort things out and find the solution that's right for you, and that you can ultimately find some peace.
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I'm so sorry for how you're feeling Sherry. You really sound like you've reached the end of your tether, and who can blame you? Much more knowledgeable people posting so I'll leave it there. Big hug to you, hope life looks clearer very soon.
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Sherry you must calm down before you have a breakdown be strong and put yourself in a power position and get all your paperwork together to start divorce proceedings this is not love.
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Call up Social Services and ask for family crisis assistance.
I am also concerned that if he drives and causes an accident, that you might end up having to fork out some money if there was a lawsuit.
You need backup and the crisis assistance would be my first stop if I was dealing with all of this. They can find you a case manager who can see about getting a place in assisted living, can direct you to an elder lawyer, etc. Good luck.
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Know that so many of us have been in your shoes, and you will survive. Accept the great advice given here. If he's away, this is a good time for you to protect yourself by closing all accounts that his name is on with yours. Just put things in your name only so he can't get access. Where is his doctor in all this? Get help for yourself, and professional help to handle the situation. Prayers sent for you, and when you mention you've got to get out one way or another......are you thinking of suicide because it seems hopeless? Been in that dark place, and believe me getting help will make all the difference to see another life for yourself. You are not alone. Even if there is nobody present physically, you have everyone here to support you, listen to you (even if it's just to whine), and to help you, as others have helped us.
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I totally understand what you are experiencing. The past two years I put up with yelling, swearing, accusing me of terrible things. I always had good rapport with his family, he has now turned them against me. I was POA; a member of his family tried to revoke my POA so they could take over. They were after whatever $$ he has; he's always convinced people he is loaded with money, not true, but they all believed it. I couldn't sleep, had to take anti-anxiety and anti-depressants which I have never had to rely on before all this. My physical and mental health suffered; I had a near heart attack, never had problems with my health before, am now on heart medication. He stalked me, insulted me, turned on me after his family convinced him I was the bad guy.
He lied about everything.

I could no longer take it; talked with my attorney, planned to file for divorce. Attorney convinced me that a legal separation would be in my best interests......with divorce, if he owns the health insurance policy (through a job, etc.) the spouse will no longer be covered. If there's legal separation, spouse is still covered by the insurance...you're legallly separated, but still married. Take him off of your car insurance. All assets will be divided, you will no longer be responsible for his debts; if he has a car accident, you will not be responsible. Things have calmed down since the separation; I no longer feel that I hate him; I'm not responsible for his debts/liabilities. I have less to live on, but have some peace in my life. If I had stayed with him, we probably would have been bankrupt.

It's not easy financially, but so much better than the mental anquish. I did not make the decision in haste. It took a long time to come to the conclusion that the best option was legal separation.

I was also terrified he would kill someone with his car.
I had a great deal of compassion for him, still do, but no longer put up with the stalking, accusing, etc. Dementia is progressive and eventually, he'll be too sick and too tired to continue with the unbearable behavior.
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Yes, Dementia is EVIL.....all the while the old person is being well taken care of, fed, clean clothes and sheets, entertainment of all kinds, meds, trips to the salon......the Caregiver is being slowly, but surely getting the life blood sucked out of them. It has brought out a facet of my personality I never knew I had......the abililty to feel hate, but know I am not a hater, oh, and the ability to clean up sh*t twice per day without smelling it. IT'S EVIL AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Makes me questions my religion daily..... I so feel for you, ma'am, don't be the next story on 'Snapped', seriously..... ; D
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I am counting my blessings. Compared to your suffering, mine is minimal. Would it help to think every day: I can take this story and use it for writing blues songs, humorous skits at caregiver groups, great journal writing, stories for your grandchildren...How can you learn and use this experience? Getting outside of it enough to put it into art, music, therapy, drama, storytelling, will help you so much to get distance and fuel your own sense of self and sanity.
Laughter is still the best medicine. Tears are cleansing too.
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Call the credit card company and either take your name off or tell them if he has a medical diagnosis from his doctor let them know that he has it and needs to be taken off due to condition. if he doing anything that would harm his self and you are the care taker call Adult Protected Services and get them involve so that you can cover your self. and you want be charge. You can also take out a mental inquest if he hit you are need to see physiologist. Make sure you cover your self are you could be charged.
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Oh and by the way, if the credit cards are in your name, cancel them ASAP. If the car is in your name, once you get him declared incompetent, don't let him drive it. Have a locksmith come out and change the ignition key and hide it from him.
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Sherry, be very careful. In some states you could be responsible for alimony since you have already been supporting him. I would consult an attorney and find out how to get him declared incompetent so you can get guardianship. Then you are in charge. Take all of the money and put it in a bank account AT A DIFFERENT BANK in your name. Protect yourself. Find out your rights and responsibilities in your own state.
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I am having similar problem but reverse , I been caregiver for mother for many years and now I am the enemy, distrust and theft now. But let god hold me strong, devil is liar. I make more money then my husband and always gave less. Does not help keep bills paid. My sister is POA and she keep twisting everything around and she harass me. Never wipe mother but or help with her, Had nothing to do with both parent. She is in for the money not the love of my mother. She sit and lie and flaccid all time. Go for lawyer get you divorce and put him in assisting living or nursing home. You donot need this when helping and caring for people. Also were is the rest family when we need them.
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Sherry. It sounds as if your mind is made up, and the others.have given you some excellent advice. My concern is the.anger that is evident in your posting. I suggest that you see a doctor, maybe even.a psychologist or psychiatrist, to help you learn to cope with your anger.. Anger can have devastating effects on you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You need to learn to deal with your anger in order to make rational, not emotional, decisions.Anger turned inward can become depression. Please take care of yourself. I wish you the best as you go through a very painful time in your life.
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Boy I feel for you.........I have gone through 3 yrs. of being the enemy. He disappeared for days and was always found by he Police. The bank let him withdraw all the funds in our joint acct and loaned him a huge amount of money all of which I've never found.I later found 8 Credit Cards in his name maxed out. He roamed the house at night hiding anything of value. He even threatened me with one of his pistols (he had 18 guns hidden in his room)when I tried to stop him from loading paintings etc into the car to leave with them The Police were here 2-3 times a week.
He now is in a phase where he refuses to go to bed and sits silently in a rocker staring out the window.If I try to talk to him I get "shut Up and leave me alone" So I do.......... Finally PEACE.......at least
How did I survive? I just made up my mind after supporting him for 30 yrs.(he decided he wasn't going to work since I made enough to support us) and putting up with his hateful controlling self I was not going to give him 1/2 of everything I'd worked for.........
I'm not sure I did the right thing........I still face the cost of Nursing home care and probably will end up bankrupt any way. If I had it to do again I would divorce him before he became totally dependant on me for food, care etc.

Good Luck with your decision but my advice is divorce him now and take your life back. I have lived in purgatory for 3 yrs...........and no hope for a life in the future. My life is over..........
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I am having similar stress feelings caring for my 86 yo mother who has lost the ability to understand that her decisions are not just her life she's affecting. She just recently had a major setback in health--CHF now along with all else. She insists on driving. Last week, the doc told her no more stairs, no more driving--these are non-negotiable. Yesterday she is insisting I give the keys back before I go for a weekend of respite. I told her I would give them back if she promises not to drive. She could not. An Elder Care lawyer is essential when you reach this point. Respite is IMMEDIATELY needed. Good luck. God speed.
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Dear 1956 Sherry....I can see your hurt. There has been a lot of good advice here for you. All that's left from me is a prayer for you, which i have asked God to comfort you and guide you thru all of this.
I believe that you have been a good companion all of these years and probably not getting any help or support from any other family members. I know how That feels.

Please get the help and advice from those already mentioned, so that you can protect yourself. The elder care lawyer knows all about the different directions you can go in, and the dangers of going the wrong way.
Good luck sweetie, keep us updated, and take a deep breath and let it out...(Or do like me and go out to the garage, shut the door, and SCREAM).

God Bless You
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Sherry:

Time to step back analyze your situation and then proceed. First, book an appointment with an elder lawyer who has the ability for divorce if that is your desire. I think you can get your husband declared incompetent, and be in charge of the financial decisions, to safeguard the family assets. If you are divorcing him the courts will have to decide what to do with him, probably a nursing home which will spend down his part of the assets. Find out where that leaves you financially if you are dependent on his ss benefits and or pension either now or in the future.
From your post you mentioned a son, he needs to step up to do some respite care so you can gather yourself together but it sounds like you don't trust him --perhaps he isn't dependable. Could another relative come to stay with the husband so you can leave and rest? You need an immediate chance to rest. Ask if you can get respite care for the husband for at least a week. You need to regain your perspective so whatever decisions you make are in your best interest too. A clear head is required going forward. Get sleep and eat properly for the short run.
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