How do you find the strength to keep going on?

Sherry; You need to do a couple of things. Yes, lawyer, probably an elder care lawyer before you see a divorce lawyer. Yes, a therapist for yourself, because you are stressed to the max. But ask the lawyer about closing credit cards, bank accounts. I DO believe that you can call up credit card companies and tell them that you will no longer be responsible for purchases that he makes. I think THAT's the first thing you want to do.

Whose name is the car in? The car insurance? I would call the insurance agent and seek some advice about that.

This is first of all about protecting yourself, your sanity and your assets as a community spouse. Please let us know what happens. Hugs and good thoughts to you.

I strongly urge you to seek counsel for YOU. Do you have a church minister or counselor you can talk to? Some churches, such as mine, have full-time certified professional counselors who work with church members and non-church members. I hear and feel your desperation. Seek some professional help before you make decisions which you may regret later. Of couse, after the professional help, you may decide to go through with your divorce plans, but at least you will have had a sounding board to see all sides of the issue. May God be with you in this difficult time of your life! My grandmother used to say, "Where there's life, there's hope."

I totally understand what you are experiencing. The past two years I put up with yelling, swearing, accusing me of terrible things. I always had good rapport with his family, he has now turned them against me. I was POA; a member of his family tried to revoke my POA so they could take over. They were after whatever $$ he has; he's always convinced people he is loaded with money, not true, but they all believed it. I couldn't sleep, had to take anti-anxiety and anti-depressants which I have never had to rely on before all this. My physical and mental health suffered; I had a near heart attack, never had problems with my health before, am now on heart medication. He stalked me, insulted me, turned on me after his family convinced him I was the bad guy.
He lied about everything.

I could no longer take it; talked with my attorney, planned to file for divorce. Attorney convinced me that a legal separation would be in my best interests......with divorce, if he owns the health insurance policy (through a job, etc.) the spouse will no longer be covered. If there's legal separation, spouse is still covered by the insurance...you're legallly separated, but still married. Take him off of your car insurance. All assets will be divided, you will no longer be responsible for his debts; if he has a car accident, you will not be responsible. Things have calmed down since the separation; I no longer feel that I hate him; I'm not responsible for his debts/liabilities. I have less to live on, but have some peace in my life. If I had stayed with him, we probably would have been bankrupt.

It's not easy financially, but so much better than the mental anquish. I did not make the decision in haste. It took a long time to come to the conclusion that the best option was legal separation.

I was also terrified he would kill someone with his car.
I had a great deal of compassion for him, still do, but no longer put up with the stalking, accusing, etc. Dementia is progressive and eventually, he'll be too sick and too tired to continue with the unbearable behavior.

Boy I feel for you.........I have gone through 3 yrs. of being the enemy. He disappeared for days and was always found by he Police. The bank let him withdraw all the funds in our joint acct and loaned him a huge amount of money all of which I've never found.I later found 8 Credit Cards in his name maxed out. He roamed the house at night hiding anything of value. He even threatened me with one of his pistols (he had 18 guns hidden in his room)when I tried to stop him from loading paintings etc into the car to leave with them The Police were here 2-3 times a week.
He now is in a phase where he refuses to go to bed and sits silently in a rocker staring out the window.If I try to talk to him I get "shut Up and leave me alone" So I do.......... Finally PEACE.......at least
How did I survive? I just made up my mind after supporting him for 30 yrs.(he decided he wasn't going to work since I made enough to support us) and putting up with his hateful controlling self I was not going to give him 1/2 of everything I'd worked for.........
I'm not sure I did the right thing........I still face the cost of Nursing home care and probably will end up bankrupt any way. If I had it to do again I would divorce him before he became totally dependant on me for food, care etc.

Good Luck with your decision but my advice is divorce him now and take your life back. I have lived in purgatory for 3 yrs...........and no hope for a life in the future. My life is over..........

Yes, Dementia is EVIL.....all the while the old person is being well taken care of, fed, clean clothes and sheets, entertainment of all kinds, meds, trips to the salon......the Caregiver is being slowly, but surely getting the life blood sucked out of them. It has brought out a facet of my personality I never knew I had......the abililty to feel hate, but know I am not a hater, oh, and the ability to clean up sh*t twice per day without smelling it. IT'S EVIL AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Makes me questions my religion daily..... I so feel for you, ma'am, don't be the next story on 'Snapped', seriously..... ; D

Know that so many of us have been in your shoes, and you will survive. Accept the great advice given here. If he's away, this is a good time for you to protect yourself by closing all accounts that his name is on with yours. Just put things in your name only so he can't get access. Where is his doctor in all this? Get help for yourself, and professional help to handle the situation. Prayers sent for you, and when you mention you've got to get out one way or another......are you thinking of suicide because it seems hopeless? Been in that dark place, and believe me getting help will make all the difference to see another life for yourself. You are not alone. Even if there is nobody present physically, you have everyone here to support you, listen to you (even if it's just to whine), and to help you, as others have helped us.

Reading about Sherry's dilemma really hits home -- the mind is compromised but the will is intact, as is the overall physical health, and the instinct is to fight back with everything you've got when he's not thinking/acting rationally, which gets you even more frustrated and upset. Several months ago I was feeling very much like Sherry, desperately wishing there were a way out, but I decided to experiment and change MY attitude and MY approach, since in this situation that's really the all I can control. Noticing that my husband mirrors my moods, I've been striving to approach things in a more cheerful, positive manner, and the result thus far has been encouraging. Yes, I still need to be devious at times to protect him/us from himself; but I'm learning to hold my tongue and stop being so openly contentious while quietly handling sensitive matters behind the scenes. I am fortunate in that he no longer drives, but I do deal with his tendency to spend indiscriminately, as well, and this is done on a piecemeal basis. Many times I am able to either cancel unnecessary -- and sometimes expensive -- online subscriptions he has ordered, and I've also found that I can simply return his extraneous clothing purchases with no consequences thanks to his short-term memory loss issues; and I much prefer these measures to butting heads with him, as was my initial response to his impulsiveness and extravagance. So I guess I'm finding that I catch more flies with sugar than I did with vinegar, and although it's not always easy to put on a happy face, the success I've enjoyed thus far is encouraging me to keep at it.

Sherry, although this may not be your solution, I do hope you can sort things out and find the solution that's right for you, and that you can ultimately find some peace.

Dear 1956 Sherry....I can see your hurt. There has been a lot of good advice here for you. All that's left from me is a prayer for you, which i have asked God to comfort you and guide you thru all of this.
I believe that you have been a good companion all of these years and probably not getting any help or support from any other family members. I know how That feels.

Please get the help and advice from those already mentioned, so that you can protect yourself. The elder care lawyer knows all about the different directions you can go in, and the dangers of going the wrong way.
Good luck sweetie, keep us updated, and take a deep breath and let it out...(Or do like me and go out to the garage, shut the door, and SCREAM).

God Bless You

Sherry. It sounds as if your mind is made up, and the others.have given you some excellent advice. My concern is the.anger that is evident in your posting. I suggest that you see a doctor, maybe even.a psychologist or psychiatrist, to help you learn to cope with your anger.. Anger can have devastating effects on you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You need to learn to deal with your anger in order to make rational, not emotional, decisions.Anger turned inward can become depression. Please take care of yourself. I wish you the best as you go through a very painful time in your life.

I'm saddened and shocked by what I'm reading. The FIRST thing you do with dementia is get a durable power of attorney for finances and another one for health care, hopefully utilizing a reputable elder care attorney. The second SHOULD be done by your doctor but you may have to do it -- take away the keys and sell his car. Keep your keys hidden. See a psychologist for yourself. Get on medication if you need it. Enlist friends or family members to give you respite, even if it's only a few hours at a time. It can make a world of difference. Give the patient enough money that if you're out, he can buy a cup of coffee or a coke. Look into the possibility of adult day care. Read the 36-Hour Day. Create a daily schedule, hopefully with his help, and stick to it. They need structure and lots of it. Someone earlier mentioned a positive attitude. So important. Don't argue. You cannot win with someone with dementia. Go with his strengths and any interests he may still have. Your anger is just making the situation worse. It's hard not to get angry. Trust me, I know. But it won't help either of you. Let go of it and try compassion.

First step; attorney, hopefully elder care. They are a wealth of information. Second, psychologist for yourself.

My husband is 60 and cannot carry on a coherent conversation. Tonight I got to buy men's Depends for the first time. He doesn't know our kids' ages (and sometimes doesn't know how many we have). He confuses me with his mother. He has a beautiful ring I bought him. He tells people his father have it to him. I know the truth and I see the sadness in his eyes when he can't understand or has to admit he doesn't remember.

Yes it sucks. Yes it's hard. It's not fair to either of you. Life isn't fair. It is what it is and we have to make the best of it. One of the most important things you can do is be proactive. Ways be a couple of steps ahead. Make the hard decisions before you need to. It's easier and then you're ready. Choose the assisted living or nursing home before you need it. Find out if you can qualify for Medicaid. Nursing homes are thousands per month. Do your homework. If you need help to do it, get help. A child, sibling, friend, social worker can all be support to you.

Good luck to all of you.