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I have been married for 39 years to a narcissistic, controlling man who has been verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Fast forward to who he has always been and now has brain damage and dementia, making him almost impossible to control. He is being evaluated by a neurologist and having a 2nd Neuro-Psychologist evaluation He didn't agree with the findings from the first Neuro-psychologist and I suggested he get a 2nd opinion just to get him to agree to these new evaluations. I took care of him for 3 1/2 years after the MVA we were in until it was killing me. His son agreed to take him and has had him now for 8 months and says his dad has to find a new place to live. The son has discovered who his dad really is and they have had awful altercations. The son finally told his dad he was never going to be able to drive (True!) and husband went at his son verbally. Son is done with his dad living next door to him in a very nice home and has said his dad has to be placed somewhere else as he cannot continue to take care of him. The professionals have said my husband needs to be placed elsewhere, most likely in a locked facility. I called a lady who helps match patients with the 'right' facility. After answering her questions about my husband's behavior (trying to strangle the caregiver, threatening to harm the caregiver, etc.), she stated she doubted there was any place that would take him and if they did and he acted out, they would give me 3 days to find a new facility! I cannot take him back into the home due to my poor health, the son is saying he has to leave and no facility to take him?I have the DPOA but it seems useless given his ability to change it if he finds out I am trying to place him. I saw a lawyer about getting conservatorship and after that meeting I realized I do not want to be his conservator, he is more than I can handle and will be out of control if I were to try to take away his 'rights' and oh, boy, do the patients have lots of rights which would enable him to cause my health to put me in the grave from the stress of it all. Please does anyone out there have any suggestions on what options I have at this point? I am really desperate, frantic and feeling like I have no rights at this point. I have no idea under which of the topics I should post this but finally selected this one.

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One right you have is to divorce him. That will automatically revoke your POA. Don't take conservatorship. You can give up all responsibility for this man you can't control.

You can understand why most memory care facilities cannot take violent residents. Mental Institutions or Mental Health Hospitals have been closed down right and left over the last couple of decades, but some do still exist. That may be the kind of placement he needs. You could discuss this with the second-opinion doctor. Or you can file for divorce and let this be someone else's problem.

To put my opinion in context: I was married 39 years. The last 10 years my husband had dementia. I took care of him at home all that time. He died on hospice care in our home. So I don't have a knee-jerk response to say "throw the bum out." But each case is different. In your case, the chances of you being able to do what is best for your husband and to help him have a quality life are slim to none. And the frustrating attempts are clearly bad for your health.
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I would do what Jeanne suggested as a possibility -- divorce him. While you are doing that, you can talk to someone at your county's human resource office. If no one is available to take care of him, it may be in his best interest to become a ward of the State.That could be the kindest thing for everyone involved, given his behavior. 39 years is a long time to be married to an abuser! And now that it is getting worse, you have to throw yourself a lifeline.
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The divorce is a good possibility in your situation. Making him a ward of the state relieves you but you know he is getting care. In a facility, he will be given meds on a regular schedule. Just to let you know, my mom has Alzheimer's, she is mentally incapacitated, we have DPOA. However, if my mother called a taxi and insisted on leaving the Assisted Living/Memory Care community, they can't stop her...I live in California. Mom's atty. told us that a person cannot be imprisoned or held in a facility without a conservatorship. So far mom has not tried to leave and the few times she told them she was going home, they talked her down. Some places may not do that, they may want legal authority to restrain them. I just wanted to tell you this because you also live in California but by making him a ward of the state, they would have a conservatorship thru the courts.You might want to talk with an elder law atty. to get more info. Good luck, this is very difficult for you but you have support here. Hugs!!
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I think divorce is your best bet. Let him be a ward of the state. Actually I say divorce him and run the the other way. If not that, then be sure that he is highly medicated so that it calms him down. Life is just too short to put up with what you are taking. You are important too! But whatever you do, don't take him back into your home. I still say divorce is an excellent option. Then the state can deal with him.
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Bellas, you can not help anyone until you help yourself first. You cannot care for him because you are in poor health and he is an abuser. Haven't you been abused for long enough? You have been married for 39 years and I understand those vows are for better or worse and in sickness and in health, but they do not say anything about allowing someone to day in and day out to mentally abuse you, that vow was supposed to be made together, with love in front of God. Narcissistic tend to make that vow to love themselves and everyone else is second. It is part of the personality disorder.

It is time for you to take care of you and live your life in calm and safety. Set yourself up with a separate bank account that is in your name only and get yourself a good lawyer and let the state have your husband. I bet he will be happier in a good place that can attend better to his needs and health, and you will be happier when you can take care of your needs and health without worrying about having to take care of him.
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sunflo2, the managing through drugs approach is very effective for many people IF they will stay on their meds. Many of our homeless are people who could be helped to a more productive and pleasant life if they would take medication as directed. Sigh. I personally know someone who needs drug therapy to manage a mental illness, and does moderately well when taking the drugs. But he has been off-again on-again with the drugs for a couple of decades. This is a really vexing problem. How do we prevent mentally ill people from self-destructive behaviors without taking away their rights?

I certainly hope you have good success with your mother, sunflo2.
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39 years of verbal, physical and financial abuse is way over the top-a person with those types of behaviors will never change, nor think about anyone but himself. Please read, "The Sociopath Next Door" (I don't remember the author). You will find much encouragement and helpful suggestions. Have the police ever been called when he was in one of his episodes? They would take him to jail given the circumstances you describe. Your son should not be helping him set up a new bank account in order to drain your finances. That is enabling and not good for anyone. You need a good social worker, elder attorney and Commission on Aging support. The sad thing about his driving, he will probably have an accident and he won't be the one injured given his meds. Either divorce, jail, or a mental institution where his medications will be monitored, or at best the staff is trained to deal with outbursts is your best route. I know what I've said sounds harsh to you, but I truly believe you have done your best and way beyond what was intended "in sickness and in health". Your health is in danger too. God bless you and hopefully you will be able to enjoy your next 39 years in peace!
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You mentioned an MVA you were both in - on top of everything else, did he sustain a traumatic brain injury? There are brain injury post-acute rehab facilities and resources available in some areas that might be worth looking into. Some of the programs are pretty long term, though of course you can't put someone in one against their will so you are still faced with the competency issue. But, I cannot see you managing home care, and I CAN see you being left impoverished and without resources if you continue to try to manage the relationship without legal intervention. Do you have any way to get your own checks deposited in your own account which he cannot touch?
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Echoing above.
First of all, you can go to 10 neurologist, & he won't agree with any of them unless they say he is just fine. Still good to get a 2nd opinion & maybe an MRI /CAT scan. Can't see that they would declare him competant based on your description.
Also agreeing w/above - you will need Dr. & caseworker cooperation -- Doc's & caseworkers have heard it all before.... many, many times.
"Finanically abusive". OK, so that one has me a bit concerned -- is he still able to take money from you? Are you supporting him? Would his facility care be covered by insurance or would it bankrupt you?
Interesting thought -- he is living at his son's -- I don't THINK you need to allow him to move back in with you -- your son can kick him out (not hubby's "home", but I don't know that you are obligated to allow him back into your home ("unable to safely provide for his needs" & stick with it! He has abused past caregivers, so you are NOT able to care for him at home).
Maybe an assisted living facility that has a memory care wing onsite? He might behave better around non-family, & they should have the clout to transfer him to memory care if needed, with your/Dr. backing. It's sort of "tricking" him, but it does also allow him to remain "free" on good behavior. Per Sunflo2, often patients behave differently w/out family around to bully. Meds might help too, but facility will have to be competant to make sure he takes them.
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Get Out. If he is really like this, do whatever you need to. You Cannot "help" your perpetrator. That is why we have a system. If he is violent call police and press charges. Force them to deal with him. Please know you are Not alone and that there will be Guilt....but then there will be peace. Blessings and (((HUGZ))) I know how it feels to be brutalized.
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