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I have been married for 39 years to a narcissistic, controlling man who has been verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Fast forward to who he has always been and now has brain damage and dementia, making him almost impossible to control. He is being evaluated by a neurologist and having a 2nd Neuro-Psychologist evaluation He didn't agree with the findings from the first Neuro-psychologist and I suggested he get a 2nd opinion just to get him to agree to these new evaluations. I took care of him for 3 1/2 years after the MVA we were in until it was killing me. His son agreed to take him and has had him now for 8 months and says his dad has to find a new place to live. The son has discovered who his dad really is and they have had awful altercations. The son finally told his dad he was never going to be able to drive (True!) and husband went at his son verbally. Son is done with his dad living next door to him in a very nice home and has said his dad has to be placed somewhere else as he cannot continue to take care of him. The professionals have said my husband needs to be placed elsewhere, most likely in a locked facility. I called a lady who helps match patients with the 'right' facility. After answering her questions about my husband's behavior (trying to strangle the caregiver, threatening to harm the caregiver, etc.), she stated she doubted there was any place that would take him and if they did and he acted out, they would give me 3 days to find a new facility! I cannot take him back into the home due to my poor health, the son is saying he has to leave and no facility to take him?I have the DPOA but it seems useless given his ability to change it if he finds out I am trying to place him. I saw a lawyer about getting conservatorship and after that meeting I realized I do not want to be his conservator, he is more than I can handle and will be out of control if I were to try to take away his 'rights' and oh, boy, do the patients have lots of rights which would enable him to cause my health to put me in the grave from the stress of it all. Please does anyone out there have any suggestions on what options I have at this point? I am really desperate, frantic and feeling like I have no rights at this point. I have no idea under which of the topics I should post this but finally selected this one.

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You mentioned an MVA you were both in - on top of everything else, did he sustain a traumatic brain injury? There are brain injury post-acute rehab facilities and resources available in some areas that might be worth looking into. Some of the programs are pretty long term, though of course you can't put someone in one against their will so you are still faced with the competency issue. But, I cannot see you managing home care, and I CAN see you being left impoverished and without resources if you continue to try to manage the relationship without legal intervention. Do you have any way to get your own checks deposited in your own account which he cannot touch?
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Get Out. If he is really like this, do whatever you need to. You Cannot "help" your perpetrator. That is why we have a system. If he is violent call police and press charges. Force them to deal with him. Please know you are Not alone and that there will be Guilt....but then there will be peace. Blessings and (((HUGZ))) I know how it feels to be brutalized.
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39 years of verbal, physical and financial abuse is way over the top-a person with those types of behaviors will never change, nor think about anyone but himself. Please read, "The Sociopath Next Door" (I don't remember the author). You will find much encouragement and helpful suggestions. Have the police ever been called when he was in one of his episodes? They would take him to jail given the circumstances you describe. Your son should not be helping him set up a new bank account in order to drain your finances. That is enabling and not good for anyone. You need a good social worker, elder attorney and Commission on Aging support. The sad thing about his driving, he will probably have an accident and he won't be the one injured given his meds. Either divorce, jail, or a mental institution where his medications will be monitored, or at best the staff is trained to deal with outbursts is your best route. I know what I've said sounds harsh to you, but I truly believe you have done your best and way beyond what was intended "in sickness and in health". Your health is in danger too. God bless you and hopefully you will be able to enjoy your next 39 years in peace!
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Bellas~It sounds like you have a plan and are working towards it. You could contact the Area Agency on Aging in your county. They can have a social worker come to your son's home to advise your husband of living choices and help find something for him. I know a couple people who have used a behavioral center in a neighboring city (in CA.). A loved one would become out of control, they called the police...the police come out evaluate and recommend hospitalization. Then the person is transferred to the behavioral center for evaluation for medication. Other's on here may know better than I do, but I think once your husband is in a hospital, you can insist on a social worker to take over his care (the steps to making him a ward of the state). I am sure you are overwhelmed with emotions as you have been through so much for 39 years now. You might want to talk with your dr. about an antidepressant to help you through this. Hang in there and keep us posted when you have time. Hugs to you!!
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I am in awe that so many of you responded and with such wisdom that it humbles me to believe people I do not know, care enough to lift me up and offer so many possible solutions. I may not respond to each suggestion but know that I have read and reread every single post ya'll shared. I will not let this man back into the home b/c an Elder Care Attny told me once he is here, I would have no way to get him out, since CA law states he has the right to be provided a place to live and this home qualifies. Yes, he has access to his income and yes, he is spending it on himself via the phone and credit cards. He has now opened a new bank account with his son's assistance and is slowly draining our shared checking account. He has no driver's lic and will never qualify but thinks he will and is planning on buying himself a trailer to tow behind the handicapped van he bought (was needed) and then he thinks he will get a boat as well. These are repeats of past toys he has gotten...for himself. I have a Neuro-Psych report that states he will need to be in a care facility. We (his son and myself) working with a famed teaching hospital here in CA and he will be seen by a Neurologist and have another Neuro-Psych exam through them. They say the current Neuro-Psych exam, done by one of the nations top guys, will pretty much be duplicated by them. That report also says husband should not live with me! I have now hired a individual (highly recommended by the same teaching hospital) who is going to meet with my husband to do her own 'housing needs' assessment. I have told husband that she is a housing 'broker' to help him find a place to live. He is a bit shocked that the son and I are actually doing what he wants (or thought he wanted). I have spent incredible amounts of time gathering all the medical documents and personal documents for the upcoming evaluations and then again for the person that will be evaluating his housing needs, i.e., trying to figure out who will take him. My house is a disaster and looks as messy as my brain feels b/c I can't get anything done for dealing with his issues and there is a new one every day it seems. The son has said if no place will take him, then we will get him the apartment he says he wants and walk away and let the county step in and take over his care. I don't know if I could do that but I am taking a serious look at the suggestions of divorcing him. People have been telling me to do that for years and it is not something I have believed in...until now. The freedom of having him out of the home has given me a glimpse into what I have lived with all 39 years and I want to be free to spend the years I have left to enjoy all the friends and family that have stayed away b/c he drove people away in one fashion or another. I welcome any additional insights b/c I feel like I am about to go over the edge emotionally as it is all so overwhelming, the details, the guilt (?) and the roller coaster of emotions he elicits on a daily basis.
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Bellas, you can not help anyone until you help yourself first. You cannot care for him because you are in poor health and he is an abuser. Haven't you been abused for long enough? You have been married for 39 years and I understand those vows are for better or worse and in sickness and in health, but they do not say anything about allowing someone to day in and day out to mentally abuse you, that vow was supposed to be made together, with love in front of God. Narcissistic tend to make that vow to love themselves and everyone else is second. It is part of the personality disorder.

It is time for you to take care of you and live your life in calm and safety. Set yourself up with a separate bank account that is in your name only and get yourself a good lawyer and let the state have your husband. I bet he will be happier in a good place that can attend better to his needs and health, and you will be happier when you can take care of your needs and health without worrying about having to take care of him.
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I think divorce is your best bet. Let him be a ward of the state. Actually I say divorce him and run the the other way. If not that, then be sure that he is highly medicated so that it calms him down. Life is just too short to put up with what you are taking. You are important too! But whatever you do, don't take him back into your home. I still say divorce is an excellent option. Then the state can deal with him.
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The divorce is a good possibility in your situation. Making him a ward of the state relieves you but you know he is getting care. In a facility, he will be given meds on a regular schedule. Just to let you know, my mom has Alzheimer's, she is mentally incapacitated, we have DPOA. However, if my mother called a taxi and insisted on leaving the Assisted Living/Memory Care community, they can't stop her...I live in California. Mom's atty. told us that a person cannot be imprisoned or held in a facility without a conservatorship. So far mom has not tried to leave and the few times she told them she was going home, they talked her down. Some places may not do that, they may want legal authority to restrain them. I just wanted to tell you this because you also live in California but by making him a ward of the state, they would have a conservatorship thru the courts.You might want to talk with an elder law atty. to get more info. Good luck, this is very difficult for you but you have support here. Hugs!!
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I would do what Jeanne suggested as a possibility -- divorce him. While you are doing that, you can talk to someone at your county's human resource office. If no one is available to take care of him, it may be in his best interest to become a ward of the State.That could be the kindest thing for everyone involved, given his behavior. 39 years is a long time to be married to an abuser! And now that it is getting worse, you have to throw yourself a lifeline.
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Echoing above.
First of all, you can go to 10 neurologist, & he won't agree with any of them unless they say he is just fine. Still good to get a 2nd opinion & maybe an MRI /CAT scan. Can't see that they would declare him competant based on your description.
Also agreeing w/above - you will need Dr. & caseworker cooperation -- Doc's & caseworkers have heard it all before.... many, many times.
"Finanically abusive". OK, so that one has me a bit concerned -- is he still able to take money from you? Are you supporting him? Would his facility care be covered by insurance or would it bankrupt you?
Interesting thought -- he is living at his son's -- I don't THINK you need to allow him to move back in with you -- your son can kick him out (not hubby's "home", but I don't know that you are obligated to allow him back into your home ("unable to safely provide for his needs" & stick with it! He has abused past caregivers, so you are NOT able to care for him at home).
Maybe an assisted living facility that has a memory care wing onsite? He might behave better around non-family, & they should have the clout to transfer him to memory care if needed, with your/Dr. backing. It's sort of "tricking" him, but it does also allow him to remain "free" on good behavior. Per Sunflo2, often patients behave differently w/out family around to bully. Meds might help too, but facility will have to be competant to make sure he takes them.
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sunflo2, the managing through drugs approach is very effective for many people IF they will stay on their meds. Many of our homeless are people who could be helped to a more productive and pleasant life if they would take medication as directed. Sigh. I personally know someone who needs drug therapy to manage a mental illness, and does moderately well when taking the drugs. But he has been off-again on-again with the drugs for a couple of decades. This is a really vexing problem. How do we prevent mentally ill people from self-destructive behaviors without taking away their rights?

I certainly hope you have good success with your mother, sunflo2.
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Start with talking with the doctor and forcing the doctor to provide a prognosis and recommended care plan (24/7, facility, etc.). Then you will have to start researching some facilities that can meet those/his needs. Call around, visit them by yourself and share the doctors notes and your experience with them. Meet with the director(s) and ask them if they have the room, can they handle his needs and what will happen if he becomes violent, etc. -- what do they do, "drug therapy", "discharge back to you"; will they find a suitable place to "transfer him"; etc. I'm in NC and learned that there are only 2 facilities in our state that take difficult patients (dementia, ALZ, etc. that can't be housed somewhere else). If I placed my mom in one AL place and she "hurt someone" then they would find a bed at one of these 2 facilities and arrange the transfer. They assured me they didn't think my mom was violent (and most people act better under supervised skilled care than with loved ones -- they don't test the caregivers like they test and abuse us) based on her records and I was comfortable with the steps they take to calm and secure the person.

Make sure you are honest with any placement because if you mislead them or you didn't get enough info, then, yes, certainly, they may just discharge him back to you and you will have a hard time placing him elsewhere because he will be on record for violence or whatever.

PS. Even with DPOA (financial and medical) -- you do not have the legal right to force him to move from his home and into care without his consent UNLESS YOU HAVE A DOCTOR OR CASE WORKER that will declare him incompetent or determine that you and his current living situation is not adequate to meet his care needs. Check on this site's "LEGAL" tab for more information on what you can and can't do with a POA.

Good luck. You have a very difficult situation and I hope you can resolve and get some peace. As a last resort, you may need to speak with the neurologist and physician about managing his needs through drugs and therapy to improve the situation to at least "tolerable".
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One right you have is to divorce him. That will automatically revoke your POA. Don't take conservatorship. You can give up all responsibility for this man you can't control.

You can understand why most memory care facilities cannot take violent residents. Mental Institutions or Mental Health Hospitals have been closed down right and left over the last couple of decades, but some do still exist. That may be the kind of placement he needs. You could discuss this with the second-opinion doctor. Or you can file for divorce and let this be someone else's problem.

To put my opinion in context: I was married 39 years. The last 10 years my husband had dementia. I took care of him at home all that time. He died on hospice care in our home. So I don't have a knee-jerk response to say "throw the bum out." But each case is different. In your case, the chances of you being able to do what is best for your husband and to help him have a quality life are slim to none. And the frustrating attempts are clearly bad for your health.
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