Follow
Share

Mom sold her house last year for $160,000 and she has some stocks, etc. that I know that my brother can get into if he really needs to. I know that the $160,000 won't last that long. In a way, I pray that God takes her to heaven soon but how healthy she is, who knows. If she does start feeling better and can move into an apartment where we are, maybe that would be a good idea? She would be right close to us and we can check on her anytime. My brother is in charge of her finances and I doubt that he would tell me anything. Because he is her financial POA. My brother feels that she is going downhill and I feel that she isn't. Loneliness and depression can make people get dementia or symptoms of dementia. It's going to take her a while for her to get back to close to the way that she was. She was a very outgoing person and always on the go before she moved into the apartment with the garage. My brother and his wife just don't seem to understand that.

Find Care & Housing
Judy, I see the situation here is that you feel that Mom is doing fine, where your brother feels that Mom now needs a village to help care for her. May I ask who has been around Mom the majority of the time? If it was your brother, I have to say he knows best.

Folks that have dementia can do what is called "show timing" where some how they are able to keep their mind together and to you Mom appears to be just great. My Dad did that to me as I saw him only once or twice a week for an hour. It was Dad's caregivers who told me that my Dad was getting very forgetful and more of a fall risk.

Now, is your Mom living in Memory Care because she is waiting for a room to open in Assisted Living, then once a room comes available she will leave Memory Care and move to Assisted Living, is that correct? Or was she placed in Memory Care because that is what the facility assessment had showed?

I would vote on Mom staying at the senior living facility. That way she would be around more people of her generation. Some times it can take time to make new friends unless she is a social butterfly and has dozens of new friends by now.

What is nice is that the facility makes sure everyone is seated in the main dining room so they can all eat together. The facility will try to match your Mom with others of the same background. My own Dad was matched with a couple who were from the State where he was born and Dad was quite familiar with the city they were from, made for good conversation.

Believe me, if I were your Mom, I rather be in a senior facility then living all by myself in an apartment. Older persons prefer security and knowing someone is in the next room.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to freqflyer
Report
Judy79 Jul 17, 2019
Initially she was put into memory care unit because that was the only place available for her.  Then when something comes up in AL she can move up to the top of the waiting list.
I have been around her more than my brother has since she moved into the apartment that she moved into last Sept from a house.   She moved into the apartment because she wanted an attached garage.  It wasn't a necessity but that is what she wanted. 

Since she moved into the memory care unit, she has been around people all the time and has been getting 3 good meals a day.  When she at the apartment, she was very lonely.  Both my brother and work days.  He is a school teacher so he has summers off.  My husband and I would take her to church faithfully every Sunday.  That is where my mom wanted to go. 

During her time at the apartment, a couple of months after she moved there, my brother would start seeing some things that I would take as old age.  She didn't know that he was her son, which she does now.  But has always know that I am her daughter.  She would make some notes for herself but never followed through.  One time, before a home visit with her doctor, whom he never got to know, he gave her a print out of things that he was concerned about.  Her doctor, who I work for, told me that most of his concerns was about right after she moved into the apartment.  She sold her house in one day and had no time to prepare to move out.  She had 30 days and my brother helped her to move.  It overwhelmed her.  My sil said that they downsized from a 4 br to a 2 br.  She didn't see what the big deal was. 

Since she move into them memory care unit, she seems to be a little better.  Regular meals and socialization.  She has been there for almost 2 weeks but it's going to take her a while to get used to it.

She know that we love her and want the best for her .

My sil has attacked me several times.  2 times, that I know of, she didn't tell my brother that she was writing to me.  Tempted to tell him about what she did but that won't solve anything.
I will be leaving her where she is.  My brother is financial poa and I am her healthcare rep.  He was told that by me a week ago last Sunday.  He wasn't too happy but oh well.

Trying to get in touch with my mom's lawyer's assistant isn't easy.  I just want to find out when her will was written by him.  The new healthcare rep form was completed Jan 2019.  I can't get a copy of her will because my brother has it and I don't want to deal with his wife anymore.
(0)
Report
Judy, could you go back a bit, please?

Your mother was living independently in her house. She sold her house, and moved into an apartment - with a garage. Does that mean she was driving, getting about in her own car? Was the apartment attached to your brother's home? Who has been your mother's primary caregiver since she moved home?

Then... what. What happened, and where is your mother living now?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Judy79 Jul 17, 2019
She was living independently and she was very active.  She was driving to the store to buy her groceries then come back home.  She was doing pretty good until about a couple months or so before we moved her.  She was getting very depressed and lonely and my brother wasn't able to see that.  I was the person who was making sure that she was taking her medicine every night after I got home from work.  Otherwise, she wouldn't have taken them.
She is now living at a memory care unit/assisted living facility.  My brother has no concept of her health like I do. 

Not saying that he doesn't love her.  I know that he does.  He is a middle school teacher and has a lot of stress here.  So I don't fault him for hardly anything.
(0)
Report
I think that with the memory issues, and being in memory care, with the incontinence, there is not now going to be any improvement and she is probably very appropriately placed. It would be a great mistake to have her live independently and anyone considering taking her into care needs to know she could live another 10 years in this condition needing more and more care. The 160,000 will likely go some distance and I would leave it in the hands of the POA appointed by her or for her to see to it that is done for her. So sorry you all are going through this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
DollyMe Jul 17, 2019
The last months of my husbands life I had to move him to one of my rental properties and hire a 24/7 nurse. That was 12 years ago, cost me 11K per month. I can only imagine what it would cost today, had I do it over, I would have placed him in a home.
(3)
Report
You say, "She is in the memory care" That sounds too serious to be considering going to an apartment. Evidently, memory care is where she needs to be. What does her doctor say?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NoTryDoYoda
Report
Judy79 Jul 17, 2019
She was moved into memory care as a temporary thing.  But if her memory starts to come back where she can move into assisted living, then we can look at that for her in the future.  She is 88 so we don't know how much longer she will be with us.  She is still healthy except for that.  It seems as if her memory is slowly coming back.
(0)
Report
Honestly, IMO moving an elderly person from AL to an apartment is not a good idea. She is in place for her future needs, she is not going to get better, it just doesn't work that way. It is so very important for them to be able to socialize, not sit alone in an apartment.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to DollyMe
Report
Judy79 Jul 16, 2019
I know that you are totally right. At 88, she just isn't getting any younger. :)
(3)
Report
Depending on where your mother is located and what her monthly income is that $160,000 might go farther than you think. In East Tennessee my father lived in a good MC for 43 months at a total cost of just under $140,000 (avg $3256/month); $86,000 from his monthly income (SS+pension) and $54,000 from his savings from selling his house.

Your brother may be looking into the future and not wanting to dedicate the time and effort to support your mother aging in place in that apartment. He may want to get her "settled" now so its not something he will need to address later. Or your mother may be reconsidering and deciding an AL where there are other people around, transportation available. planned activities, etc. would be better than a lonely apartment where she may still be mourning for her home.

At 88, I would not even consider a move into another apartment unless your mother is adamant that what she wants. It sounds to me like she needs IL/AL for socialization opportunities now and will probably benefit from housekeeping and meal services now or relatively soon.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to TNtechie
Report
Judy79 Jul 16, 2019
Thanks! I appreciate your insight. She is in the memory care and she has her sheets changed twice a week, 3 meals a day, and showers on a regular basis. She does have urinary incontinence. I still feel when she was living in the apartment by herself, several months before she left there, she was getting depressed and lonely. I was able to tell that by her actions. Now she isn't that bad. Which I am grateful.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
"If she does start feeling better and can move into an apartment where we are, maybe that would be a good idea?" You need to ask your mother what she wants.

"she moved into the apartment with the garage." Where is it that she is living currently? Above a garage? At your brother's? Please explain.

I would not take on the responsibility of your mother without having the authority i.e. POA both medical and financial.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report
Judy79 Jul 16, 2019
She is now living in a nursing home/memory care unit. Originally, she was going to move into where she is now until a 1 bedroom was ready in assisted living. Maybe in 3 months or longer, maybe they can do another assessment how she is doing. My husband and I don't live with my brother. I should have said, with an attached garage. That is why she didn't move into where my husband I are living. But it was her decision.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do you have a question?

Who Is us? Does that include brother? Do you live with brother?

Are you wanting POA instead of having brother be POA?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report
Judy79 Jul 16, 2019
Close to us means my husband and myself and my brother and his wife. He has the financial poa and I have the medical. I thought that I mailed him a copy but guess I didn't. But her atty has the original healthcare rep. My question is that I want to know the right thing to do but I got the answer up above.
(0)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter