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My husband has been taking financial advantage of my 89-year-old mother for nearly 15 years. When she moved into a senior community in 2005, we moved into her house as newlywed renters, paying a fraction of the market rate; it was purely a short-term arrangement. But one year became two, two became three, and on and on it went, despite my objections. Not only was my mother not being paid a fair rent, but in 2017 I learned that my husband stopped paying rent entirely many years earlier, and that my mother has had to deplete her savings to cover her own expenses. Her only income has been social security and a small monthly annuity payment. In keeping with the situation, the house has slid into deplorable condition due to huge deferred maintenance issues. There's more: in 2006 my husband convinced my mother to take out a $50,000 home equity loan so that he could pay down credit card debt, and over the years he would frequently ask her for smaller personal loans as tide-overs to the next paycheck. He always claimed to be on the brink of a financial/professional breakthrough (he's a scholar/university lecturer) and for a long time I believed he would eventually make things right. But that was a forlorn optimism. I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit.


My mother now has advanced dementia. In January I was shocked to learn that my husband is 1) successor trustee of her trust and 2) a 40% beneficiary of her trust. I can only imagine that he exerted major undue influence on her while the trust was being set up. In fact, he accompanied her to the meetings with the estate planning attorney. We had only been married a year at that time and my mother knew him only on a surface level.


I've been actively distressed about the exploitation for the past three years but lacked the confidence and courage to expose it. My husband has a strong support network of friends and colleagues and would be an unpleasant opponent. I'm an only child with no other living relatives to turn to. I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney. I sent the estate lawyer a letter asking for help but she refuses to get involved. I don't know a way forward.

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NightReader, what do you want the outcome to be? Divorce? If that isn't part of the outcome then I don't know what to suggest to you. He's counting on you being passive and intimidated. Please internalize this: if he did this to your mother, he WILL do it to you, too. So you've really got nothing to lose by opening up a can of whup-ass on him. He's a sick creep no matter how good his exterior looks to the world or what his "strong support network" may be. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with such a d-bag? You're worth more than that. Find a good divorce lawyer and get a consult. Don't tell d-bag man anything. Let him be completely blindsided until the day you remove his crap from your home. If you rise up to challenge him with some shock and awe, he might sh1t his pants and give up easier than you think. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Bottle that energy and channel it into gaining a new, better life.
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gdaughter Jul 2020
She doesn't have the funds for a "good" divorce lawyer. I would contact your local United Way, the library, your local agency on aging. I would contact a local abused women's shelter sort of place as they may know some good resources and even be able to provide some housing or lead you in the direction of that if you want it. Legal Aid is another resource...there are many programs cropping up that would look into it for the exploitation of your mother.
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There are some people, alas, who are so frightening to their partners that they've no real need to be visibly abusive. The victim is so thoroughly in thrall that there's no occasion for it.

For YEARS, you have known that your husband has been - there's no way round this - stealing from your mother. You have been too apprehensive about his response to tackle the issue in any meaningful way.

You need to get help for yourself, first. Look online for domestic abuse helplines and speak to an adviser. Just take the first step.

In not very much time, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find out that quite a lot of people in that "strong network" wish they could confront your husband about quite a variety of issues. Think of yourself as a whistle-blower.
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Before you can even think of protecting your mother you must protect yourself from further abuse. And yes, you’re abused. You’ve lived in fear and intimidation and that’s not a marriage. Please consult a lawyer, one known as a bulldog for women’s rights, and do so without your husband’s knowledge. Tell your story, see how to protect yourself. Then you’ll find the path forward to protecting your mother. I’m glad you’re now seeing things clearly enough to have reached out for help. Don’t assume your husband is fooling everyone. Keep quiet to him while you find your next steps. Keep us posted, you’ve found a group who cares
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You can remain in a marriage with a con-man or you can protect your mother from him. Your husband committed the crime of Elder Financial Abuse against your mother.
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes?field_statute_state=MD&field_statute_category=All

You can choose to enable his criminal behavior with your silence or you can report him and divorce him. I don't see a middle ground.
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My marriage ended 6 years ago. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I was an abused wife. I was not physically abused, but I soon learned there were many types of abuse and I was victim to several of them. It was very, very hard. I thought I was strong, I was a hard worker, I had been in a prior relationship where the one and only time he hurt me I walked.

Financial Abuse, you say, "I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney..." Where has your money gone? Are you working? Most credible family law attorneys will give you a free consultation.

You apparently know nothing about your family's finances, otherwise you would have know long ago about your hub's actions. I was in the same boat. My ex was supposed to pay the bills and mortgage, I paid the school fees, all child expenses and groceries. After the end of the marriage I all my utilities were cut off as he had not paid them in 5 months. The mortgage was paid 2-3 days late each and every payment. The property taxes were in arrears too. I was scared silly with only $500 in the bank.

At one point my ex would not get a copy of the family car key for me. Kept saying it was too expensive to order one in. Turned out it was not one of the special keys and it cost $5 to get a copy. Little things that seem reasonable for a while start to add up.

Is there a local Women Against Violence Against Women organization in your community? I was able to get free counseling from the local one and it was a huge help. Is there a woman's shelter in your town?

Gaslighting: This is what he is doing when he tries to shift the blame.

My ex was well loved in the community. But when things came to light, some people's feelings changed too. If you hubs does not have tenure, he could find his contracts are no longer renewed.

Next steps:
Get a free legal consult
Get counseling
Get a job, if you do not have one.
Get your own bank account if you do not have one
Contact your local APS and explain the situation to them, but do this after talking to the lawyer.
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Long before you seek a divorce attorney, you NEED to consult with a criminal attorney. You say this has been going on for years - however reluctant you might have been, however hesitant, however intimidated you felt by your husband and his behavior. you lived with your husband in your mom's house with him while he swindled her out of money; therefore, unfortunately, you have gained from his criminal behavior. Legally, you are complicit. The court system is not going to take "I was scared of him" as a defense, because, in their thinking, there are services you can avail yourself of to help you get away from him. I understand in the real world, this is not done as easily as said, but from a criminal justice point of view that doesn't matter. Depending on your jurisdiction, you might not even be covered under spousal privilege - ie. not being compelled to testify against him - but again, a criminal attorney would be able to better guide you.
You need to protect your mom; but you also need to protect yourself.
The divorce attorney can wait. Seek a criminal attorney A.S.A.P.
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Geaton777 Jul 2020
I'm trying to imagine the OP living in the same home while taking Creepo to criminal court. I disagree and (if it were me) think divorce comes first, or maybe simultaneously, to the criminal charge pursuit. The hard boundary needs to be drawn immediately and his access to the OP needs to be severely restricted.
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In our city, there is at the senior centers, local library and county library an attorney day each month.

Talk to an attorney about elder abuse regarding the debt owed to your mother that you described above: fair market value rent, personal loans, and trust beneficiary, successor trustee status. Is there a power of attorney or will? If your mother has legal capacity even with dementia she can sign a new power of attorney.

Long ago as a young mother I did not know that my ex was friendly with my mother without my knowledge and borrowing money from her. He claimed that we were having difficulty paying bills due to my stay at home status. That was not true as I had savings and planned for the year off. It was probably one of the worst experiences in my life to discover my ex taking money just not from my mother but my best friend with the same sympathy story. The floor dropped beneath me but through the confusion I just left. I paid his rent until the court made the decision so he would have a roof over his head so he could parent our child. I ended up with full custody and protected my mother and friend from further financial abuse. My ex was looking to exploit anyone in my network of friends or family and moved onto someone new quickly.

I hope you find strength and take care of yourself through your ordeal. Please do the right thing.
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And be sure to log off this forum every time! U don’t want him to know u r onto him and seeking advice!
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jkm999 Jul 2020
And erase your browser history! Best to use a browser like Chrome that has an incognito mode and doesn't retain your history.
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Your hubby tool total control,.. that's weird. no discussion with all 3 of you?
Did you have an financial adviser? someone outof the family to oversee the finances? get that open talk now with him.

DEEP QUESTION:;; IS HE PLANNING TO DIVORCE YOU AND TAKE ALL YOUR MOM'S MONEY? I don' know. I just read the first prompt.

Look at all her accounts. and finanacial advisors that she had prior to your hubby. anyone you trust? If not, I have financial advisors whom my relative has been with for over 30 years now. very nice. Yes, they make their money, probably more that we are, but we are getting a bit too. more than th banks.
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or change him back to the man you fell in love with - somemiracles can happen... good luck
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cetude Jul 2020
Bad advice. You cannot change people like that. Miracles very very very rarely happen.
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Why were you asleep 💤 for all the time he was doing this to your mother?!?!? Why didn’t YOU & ONLY YOU go to those meetings with lawyers that put your mother’s house in trust with conman husband as trustee? You go in person to lawyer who did that & demand it be null & void since you are daughter & he did not have permission to do this!!! I can’t believe you married a crook & let him steal everything away from your mother...her $$$ & house should go to you if she passes.! You must get to work & don’t let him get away with it! This is elder abuse you know! You were conned by a conman crook! You have a lot of work to do to get this straightened out 🤗 hugs
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You lived in your mom's house and let it fall in disrepair, you thought he would eventually make it right, you knew she was getting short changed when you moved in?

You need a criminal lawyer as notgoodenough has stated.

On the surface of this you and your husband financially abused your mother. You need to do everything you can to make this right, even if it means you do some jail time. Call the police after you find an attorney tomorrow.
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Clou1313 Jul 2020
Go to jail? Her?
Nice advice for a woman who simply let 3 yrs pass
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If you are going to divorce route plan but move fast when you do. You seem to have a controlling husband as others noted. Be careful of computer browsing, passwords etc. you might want to consult with many lawyers who are top notch. Free consult then if it does come to divorce he can’t use them.

good luck.

just get that anger and keep it. Get you and your Mom away from him.
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Just like you did this time. Get up. Stand up. Don’t shut up. And don’t back down. As you’ve said she’s your only family. If you won’t stand up for yourself then do it for her. But for you, she would have never known him. Can you live with yourself knowing that you didn’t even try? I don’t think so, because we wouldn’t have heard of you. Look in the community for free resources, they’re out there. What do you have to loose that you haven’t already given up? She’s YOUR mom. Even if YOU didn’t like her, he doesn’t get to abuse her.
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Firstly, don't commit suicide over this or your narcissitic rat legal husband will win at all his covert goals. Listen to Sam Vaknin on youtube as he will open your eyes. Also, please realize that most courts will probably rule in your husband's favor. Get some spiritual support in your life and realize you've been had by a smart con man. You're not the first and not the last woman who has. Be willing to downsize your personal lifestyle to whatever it takes to save your own soul and a shred of your integrity. In other words, humble yourself before God and ask for His help in walking away from this man and his evil ways. May He provide all your need and help you realize that peace is more than stuff. Psm. 23
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cetude Jul 2020
How do you know "most courts will rule in your husband's favor"--are you an attorney? Are you a judge? Watching youtube is hardly legal council.
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Don't say anything yet. Get copies of EVERYTHING. If you have any joint bank accounts, take everything out of them and put it in an account that is in only your name, set up by you, in a different bank. Then leave, hire your own lawyer, and sue him for divorce and have your mother sue him for fraud. I don't think you'll have any trouble finding a young lawyer to take your cases on cheap for the experience and the joy of sticking it to a real creap.
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It is time to leave him cold. Say nothing else to him about his abuse. Seek help from any and all agencies who work with elder abuse casework and attys and pray for the best. This madman needs to be exposed and charged. Stand firm and hopeful!
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With advanced dementia you mom cannot possibly live by herself, so either you must get her to live with you and take care of her, or get her on Medicaid with nursing home. DO NOT LET HER LIVE BY HERSELF--she is going to get hurt or killed. They also wander and end up on the streets with moving traffic. She can also fall and be on the floor for days without food or water, or broken bones from the fall and just lie there suffering.
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cgracie007 Jul 2020
She doesn’t live by herself and states that from the start.
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Well.... I was married to a con man for 17 years but he did work. So.. I planned... and told him nothing. I used HIS money to fix up "our" house even though he said that since he was the ONLY one working, everything was his. I got the house fixed up and he had no idea why I was doing it. Me and twins did most of the work. The price on the house went up $20,000 while I only spent $2000. But... while fixing it up, since I had no income of my own, I went to Legal Aid. Cost me $130 for a divorce. Legal Aid even told me I could get the house in my name and my name only and then do with it what I wanted. I had tried reasoning with this man but he would not listen. I went to marital counseling and tried to get him to go. Nope... he was NOT interested. I still do not understand how I could get that house that he had bought 2 years before he met me... into my name only. I put it up for sale and it was closed on in less than 4 months. In the mean time, during those 4 months, my kids and I went camping so he would not know where we were. The whole time, we used his money. He could not take my name from his checking account. After the divorce went through, kids I moved to another state. He followed us there. He told me this more than once and I believe it to be true in your case, "I never thought you would divorce me". Your husband thinks that he can do what he wishes because it is evident that he has been for many years. BUT... you can still change that. Please.... divorce him BUT do NOT tell him what you are up to. I did not. My husband was abusive to me and the children. He threatened me, never hit me but he did our son --- hitting and kicking him. We have twins, a boy and girl and now they are grown, 32, and they see who he is. They do not have a relationship with their father to speak of. He caused huge problems for my son on his wedding day. THAT just opened up our son's eyes even more to the selfish ways of his dad. Yep... I take full responsibility for marrying the man but... I finally divorced him. YOU can do the same. The sooner the better. But again... do it without him knowing about it as much as possible. You are NOT obligated to tell him any more than you have to. He obviously believes that you will not do anything. Prove him wrong. Hugs to you.. Wish I could help you...

Also... what about getting APS involved.... Adult Protective Services?
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You are married to him so you are entitled to anything he gets from your mother, whether she is alive or passes. Where is his own mother? He is taking advantage of yours. All in all , he is setting up things financially for himself for when she passes so he has money. But you are married to him so you will get it too. Put your foot down with him and try to regain some control over this financial situation. He sounds like a con artist and and went after your mom's money because he does not have his own. He sounds a bit like by ex, who was always trying to get money from me(not my mother) and always had some big ideas of how he was going to make a lot of money but never did.
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WHAT did he do with the money
drugs?
gambling?
mistress?
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Contact the National Council of Elder Abuse the website is
https://ncea.acl.gov/Suspect-Abuse/Reporting-Abuse.aspx

Your mother can not defend herself and she needs you to do it. I realize you feel defenseless too but you have way more ability to defend yourself than she does. If he depletes her funds and she goes on medicaid they could come back on both of you when she passes away for Medicaid Fraud. That will raise your level of person financial damage and emotional shame. Report him now! No matter the harm to you he must be stopped. Bad things happen when good people do nothing and this is your mother.
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Your post brought tears to my eyes - BUT- what he has done is illegal. It's known as "elder abuse" - for personal financial gain. If you feel you are destitute, call Legal Aid Services. They can help with lots of legal stuff. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW ANYTHING. Sugar, nothing is impossible - nothing. If Legal Aid can't get involved, call your states Bar Association, they can recommend someone who can. Gather as much paperwork as possible, you'll need it to prove your case. If Mom's in a facility, talk with them - most keep a daily log of who's in, who's out, visitor wise. Be very careful of what you do, say, cause if he decides to have you declared incompetent, and you're bouncing wall to wall, he might succeed at that. Protect YOU. Get "YOU" together, - now - and take it one thought out step at a time. Drop the guilt, the regrets - get him before he finishes you off, mentally, and physically. YOU CAN DO THIS.!! DON'T GET MAD -- GET EVEN. So, get up, and get busy starting your new life.!! Blessings, and Prayers.
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SeniorStruggles Jul 2020
Get mad AND get even. This sounds like you too have been abused emotionally. You've had no voice in all this time? Definitely you need some strong advocates on your side.
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Where do you fit into this mess? Why were you not part of these early financial conversations? You haven't mentioned that.

I would not see an estate attorney (that's how your mother got into this mess), but an elder law attorney who understands Medicaid rules. For the record, this will be a huge problem if your mother outlives her available assets and needs Medicaid to survive in very old age.

And, it sounds like your husband has not only deceived your mother, but deceived you as well -- and bilked you out of any inheritance your mother would likely have left to you. What do you plan to do to reclaim your personhood?
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elaineSC Jul 2020
She said she didn’t have the confidence to stand up to him. No, sounds like he got what hdd ER wanted and she knew what was mostly going on. Now whining about it with remorse. I call Bull and not saying anything else. She knew.
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Is he still your husband?!
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Go to legal aid, get your documents together, get every back in your name, contest the set up of the trustees, and DIVORCE this *sshole.
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Your situation is shocking and troubling in so many areas! Obviously, you have been pushed to submission. You'd better roll up your sleeves and be prepared to fight for what is rightfully yours from a dominant, controlling, financially incompetent spouse. Be ready to move in with your mother, or a friend once you are prepared to act.
First, get your iron clad evidence in order, on paper or photos. It will have to reflect that you discovered and were not fully aware of the financial dealings between your mother and husband, including the letter you sent to the estate lawyer. Check and document your credit rating to see how many accounts he has included you. You will need decent credit of your own.
Second, take any income you have that he can access to separate account, out of his reach.
Third, IMMEDIATELY find out who has your mother's power of attorney, medical and financial. Get appointed as her legal guardian. Who is beneficiary of her life insurance, stocks, etc. If not you, it should be your first priority. Contact your local legal assistance reps asap, call any lawyer to get the location, get appointment and present your case.
While you are at it, let them file your divorce, with restraining order (he refuses to discuss or take responsibility so you certainly don't have a marriage to save.)
When you get control of the estate transfer it from the current lawyer, obviously working for your husband.
Its going to be tough due to the duration, but a judge will listen to proof. If you don't act quickly, you could be left in that deplorable house, alone, with him blowing what little is left of an inheritance you should receive, I'm sure your mother intended for your future care. You will be a happier, healthier person once you protect yourself and your mother. Forget about his friends and colleagues, they're not yours. When details come out, they'll understand. Once the transitions are in place, have him evicted if only to sell the house, as is. You will gain independence and reclaim your self respect. Have faith, and be strong.
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In hind sight you should have attended such meetings. Kicked his ass out a long time ago. Know that there probably isn't anything that can be done of the trust, so plan that you will lose 40% & when you stand up to him, he will leave & you in a big mess. Sounds like a discusting person & that you need to tell yourself & truly mean it, that you are a great person & you should never be treated like this by any person especially your husband. Put your Viking helmet & your stomping boots on & tell him the lay of the land & don't ever let someone behave like this, not for 1 second. I would definitely get copies of all your documents put them where he can't get them & go to legal aid. Unfortunately people like that will not change & a breakthrough on his research is an excuse for laziness. You have got to get your name on stuff not his. If the doctor has it in her file with dementia for heavens sake get a copy of it to show what date & take it to an attorney. Get all your ducks in a row, next time he's out of the house preferably with his buddies, change the locks, put his junk at the front door & put in security & have the police serve him with divorce papers & order to stay away from your mother. If you really want the impact have a runner service deliver his crap to his office or wherever he will be with his so called supporters. You will see his supporters run for the hills not wanting to get involved. I know it's hard, but you have good friends too or make some & they can be your adoptive family. Then watch you tube videos & get handy with home repair. You can do it. We are strong women! We can not only do what men can do, we can do it better! Take it from a sewing lady that never touched a tool for most her life that turned to being a rancher that can build fences as good as any man & I can pull a calf in a distressed delivery with my hands, in the dark, without the cow restrained, where men need lots of light, chains to pull on the calf & the cow tied down. We are women, hear us roar!
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XenaJada Jul 2020
Your comments were AWESOME!
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Most communities have a Legal Aid organization. I would contact them ASAP. If you can not locate a legal aid contact local bar association for referral to pro bono attorneys
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As our readers have said, please report your husband to authorities for elder abuse and fraud. Do not delay this now emergency situation! And yes, get rid of this thief.
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