Finally have a diagnosis, now how do we convince Dad he needs help?

I know how hard this is on everyone, including Dad. I’m not sure what you mean by he’s in senior housing “for now”. Where will he be going? Think twice and then think again if you’re planning to bring him to live with you. You’ve said he’s difficult and that won’t change. With dementia it will only get worse.

Dad is very angry right now. He’s angry with himself for having dementia (and probably more than a little scared) and he’s angry with you for what he sees as a betrayal by taking him to the Memory Disorder Unit. Is there any way you can speak frankly (but kindly) with him? Give him time to accept his diagnoses. Have him read about dementia. There are some wonderful articles from experts on this site. When he finds out what he’s facing, he might be a little more understanding. Try not to go off the deep end emotionally when you talk with him. I know it’s difficult. But if you are matter of fact when you speak with him, he may have an easier time being agreeable.

I am not saying his Dementia is caused by his hearing but being hard of hearing doesn't help. In looking back I realize Moms reasoning was the first thing to go. Then the ability to process what you r saying. I think not overwhelming him is a good idea. Is the brain scan an EEG? That can be done later. Usually its done every so often to see how the Dementia has progressed. They probably want a baseline.

Give him time to process. Don't be surprised if he never excepts the diagnosis. Tell him that some alerts are like watches. Wouldn't it be nice to have something in case of emergency.

My daughter is an RN in rehab/nursing home and says she tries to make the resident think they made the decision. Lets say the person won't take a shower. She will tell them don't you think it would be nice to feel clean and fresh. They say yes and daughter says so lets get a shower.

Eventually the tables will turn. Dad will be the child and u the adult. Then it becomes what he needs not what he wants.

When my mom was diagnosed with Lewey Body Dementia & vascular dementia, the Dr. told her, “I know you’re thinking that I don’t know what the he%% I’m talking about.” When we left and for weeks afterwards that’s exactly what she said. Mom was also very angry at me for “telling the DR. all those stories about her” and that it was all my fault. That was three years ago and most days she still thinks her mind is fine.

JoAnne29 OMG The same with my mother's dementia and hearing loss has her detached from everything most conversations and to me the rest of the world. My vain mother will not get a hearing aid. My mom does not think she has a big problem just a slight hearing issue.. Wrong!! She cannot process what her eyes are even seeing.

It’s a tough situation which unfortunately, with dementia, it only gets worse. I’m going through this with dad. I force him to take a shower or change his depends before he comes into my car. Otherwise, he thinks he’s fine, he doesn’t want to change “right now”... he will shower “later tonight”- which never happens.
Hes also hard of hearing and refuses to wear heating aids, but he thinks it’s everyone else’s problem. If I ask him something such as why he needs an orbital sander and white spray paint at his rental unit, (he’s not allowed to do any maintenance) he yells “because I WANT it” then he spells “w-a-n-t” snd asks me why I’m Not understanding HIM! It turns adversarial....
i agree with another poster- do NOT bring him to live with you if you can avoid it! I made the mistake of having dad stay with me for 4 months on my living room pull-out sofa. It was a nightmare. He’s in Independent senior housing... in his own “space” and he can’t drive anywhere... but when the time comes... he’s NOT coming here. I now have bleeding ulcers and my hair started falling out!
There are Memory Care facilities, and although they are a small fortune.... my sanity and health are worth more.

Before I get too far...what type of senior housing is he in? What type of care or services do you think he needs that he resists? Knowing this will help me formulate a response that means something to you.

I think the first response for all people receiving the diagnosis is denial. My husband went through a brief phase of denial too before I got many people, including his doctors, to convince him to close his medical practice and retire. It took 6 months. Give your dad time to come to terms with the diagnosis. If he can still process, he will accept.

From what I’ve read, yes, hearing loss can contribute to dementia. Sounds weird doesn’t it. I think if you were told you had dementia (which is a loaded word) then you would also have reactions. It’s a bit like the grieving process. Denial, anger etc...but layered on top of dementia where the reasoning process is hindered. My dad was resistant for years to getting hearing aids. Now he can’t believe how he can hear. Places that sell hearing aids give the client 30-60 days of free wear so there’s nothing to lose if he won’t keep them. You might go that route. Maybe if you frame it that fixing the hearing loss can help with his dementia he'll try them. Worth a shot.
They just want to live a normal life and stay on their own. It takes nerves of Steele and a stiff back one to stand your ground when the time comes to do what's best for them. Not a fun road.

Thank you everyone for this guidance. I did not initiate this post but it sure caught my eye and has been helpful to me as well formy situation with my own father. Good, kind words. Thank you.

Don't try to convince him. It's a fool's errand. Just help him.
If he's already in a supportive living community, you're already in better shape as a family than if you had to overcome that hurdle, too.
What kind of help does he need?

Mild Dementia is not something to fight with your father over. Ask what "mild" means before you drive your father and yourself nuts.

My father was diagnosed with "Early Onset Alzheimers" - he panicked - it never progressed in 7.5 years. Even the doctor that diagnosed had to agree that it wasn't bad - it just sounds bad.

I found a great article on this website Unforgettable.org. The article is titled, "Denying Dementia: What to Do When They Won't Accept a Diagnosis."

www.unforgettable.org/blog/denying-dementia-what-to-do-when-they-wont-accept-a-diagnosis/

I hope it will help you!

Similar to that my mother went in willingly for the cognitive testing and interestingly enough anytime there is a problem or any kind of memory thing mother uses her vision loss and eye trouble as her excuse. You cant convince them to get more help/ etc. unless there has been something that scares them but if the dementia has progressed the convincing will be useless as you will have to step in and do what needs to be done.

GOOD LUCK - he is an 'ostrich' & will not see your reasoning so save your breathe - if he says it is his hearing then get that checked because there is an outside chance that he is right -

Don't waste you time trying to convince someone with dementia, just get on with getting him the help he needs. Treat him with respect, an love, and get what has to be done started...dad will be ok, but not without you taking charge!

Don't waste your time trying to talk to a LO with dementia. Move forward.

Dad does have hearing aides, provided by the VA. I truly think he just does not want to hear what others are saying as he tries to talk over them if it is not what he thinks, Today he called my DH at least 16 times saying he has appointments at the VA, I am the one they call to schedule and we knew he did not have one. When DH told him, Dad started yelling and telling him he did not know that and he was wrong. Then threatened him. My poor DH is the one who takes him shopping each week and Is angry. Then called my phone and left a long message saying he knows my DH bullies me and that he has the house (he lost it 25 years ago) and I could stay with him. Oh dementia is so cruel Not sure if I should call him back or hope he forgets the whole thing tomorrow

My husband started w cog impairment later alz 12 yrs ago. He really didn't get the understanding of the word. We just went on as usual & one day he saw a form I'd filled out that said dementia. He said I don't have that. Ok. Time went on & one day he asked me what's the matter w my brain. I replied well your getting older & brain is starting to rust & because I'm younger mine haven't started to rust yet so if you have any questions just ask me. Never asked again. His changed to alzheimers. Just be calm & patient. They will be like 5 yr olds lost in hugh dept store & can't see their mommy. Scared with no sense of what to do. Always remember we live in one changeble world & they live in a world of unchangeable. Step into their world to deal w them, unable to chg. Never argue they cannot change their thought or opinion. It's that horrible nonfixable disease. Keep them busy so they stay out of trouble. My hubby sleeps lots but when awake is doing jigsaw puzzles, dot to dot or can read Dr Seuss books. Sort coins or cards. Adult day care is great. Read all you can like 36 hr day, Understanding the Dementia Experience, Internet Alz reading room, & Teepa Snow utube. The more you know the less frustrated you'll become. 12 yrs of Caregiving to hubby.