Follow
Share

I've been doing this for 2 years. My aunt and a family friend had invited my mom to stay with them for a total of 8 days - 3 with the friend, 5 with my aunt, who is visiting the area to work on a house she owns here. My grandfather was admitted to the hospital for divurticulitis this past weekend. But they still said, sure your mom can still come stay with us. We'll take care of her. Not a problem.

And I REALLY need this break. My husband and I are at each other's throats from stress. Mom needs a break from us.

But now aunt and friend are overwhelmed by everything going on in their lives. My grandfather, who isn't getting better, planned removations, etc.

I can't enjoy this break - and I can't bring myself to tell them I'll come get Mom. I want to tell them welcome to my world, where I am overwhelmed every week. I am so angry! I never ask for help and then here I go and accept it and all hell breaks loose!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Oh WT i know my dads birthday is next week and im going to put flowers on his grave i havent seen the grave since the funeral in December so its going to be hard and my mum is making snide comments as you say anything that "detracts" from them. "you cant afford to go there", "you cant afford flowers" Oh God how much does it take to just "snap". Anyway i just get my brown paper bag out and breath deeply!
Yes its the illness BUT gosh its so frustrating the biggest shocker for me now is mum was NEVER a selfish woman she had always a good heart and would do anything for anyone now its me me me me me me me! So hard to watch.

WT enjoy your holiday i wish i was going somewhere exciting but i will one day i want to go to Argentina and tango with a "hotman". Im looking at brochures we can always look and plan?

You should be at that wedding can your mum not go into respite or is that not possible? So sad the things you have to miss out on so unfair.

I bumped into my sisters friend yesterday she was asking how things were with mum i just say "OK" whats the point ranting to people who couldnt possibly understand. I asked about her parents? "oh great yeh,no health problems yet but we will have a family rota when the time comes". ROTA my a** oh they have no idea whats ahead its all talk until the reality happens. But then her parents are fairly healthy why not they had plenty of money and "GOLF".
Im not an envious person but am now jealous of people with "healthy" parents!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

kazzaa, Thank you for your wise words. My niece is getting married, hopefully, in LA, California, this summer. That will bring my brother back come "mom" or high water.

He and SIL will give us a break in Minnesota, and then travel to LA for my niece's wedding. I'm bummed about not being able to be at her wedding. She was the most darling flower girl at my wedding. I love her so much. My mom probably doesn't give a s#it as it detracts from her.

We can't afford it anyway. I'll be praying about it. God still gives us good things. It will all work out somehow.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Windytown just keep "Quiet". say nothing to brother OR your mum just let it flow if your bro thinks shes normal then play along get your holiday i know from experience that when i was telling my sister things on the phone i thought she may feel sympathy for me BUT the more i told her the less she wanted to come home!
I wouldnt mention it again to your mum until nearer the time as she will fret.

We have to use all our guile when its comes to getting a break my sister thinks mums fine? Lets see after 12days with her how "normal" she is but then mum always puts on an act also mums going to paris so its a bit of excitement for her so her moods will be different its awful to say but i hope my sister has some serious drama with her so she can see that mums not normal.

I really hope you get to take your holiday next time your bro calls "mums fine and looking forward to seeing him".

Us caregivers have to be as crafty as a fox when planning our "escape".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ok, got things straight with friend. She just wanted to make sure all of her help last week was a good thing. I told her it certainly was - how could it not be? Mom is now 2 hours away from me and closer to the rest of the family. I am gladly letting them see what I've been dealing with all this time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Book, I looked back and should've known that advice was from you! Thank you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My husband has posed the question to me as to what I will do with myself when I'm not looking after mom's needs. My answer is to get a full-time job and save money for our own retirement. Plus we have a son starting college in 2015. I'd like to be able to help him out and if my mom's still around by that time, she'll just have to accept a few less visits from me so I can work at least part-time.

My brother and his wife are 90% sure they are coming back for a visit (live in Europe) in August. He hasn't seen mom in three years. They will stay at our house while we escape for our first vacation in five years. He thinks she sounds 'normal' over the phone. Boy oh boy, is he going to get an eye-opener and I won't feel one, teeny-tiny, twinge of guilt.

I told my mom of our plans today and she just blanked over. Won't even talk about it. I just let it go. I'm sure she's fretting already as she has me 'trained' to all her odd and unreasonable requests she should be relying on staff to do. It's going to be an interesting time for the three of them. Hubby, son and I will be faaaaar away enjoying a long-deserved break. I like the idea of having my husband check the e-mail as a firewall. That's excellent!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Yes pstegm i have a gay friend he was caring for his mum she was diabetic but in good shape etc mentally sharp he worked part-time hes been looking after his mum for 7yrs he has a brother but he dosnt want to know and never helps but he will get her house.
She was always in good health then just last week she got up and lost the use of her legs just like that?
she has to go to a NH now and hes devasted? she was a right old boot now a horrible person and wouldnt let him have any life we tried to tell him to have a break but he wouldnt have it.
He says he dosnt know what to do now that shes not living with her anymore poor guy is only 36yrs is this co-dependent?
I know its hard when they have to go to a NH but youd think hed be relieved she is safer and has professional help?
I guess this is the other side of the coin? sad though.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

We took mom to ALF and it was actually very hard for her caregiving son to let go. Three days later, SHE is having a ball and intends to stay. Meanwhile HE is depressed and grumpy. DISCONNECT from the "guilt" because it's not valid. When it enters you thoughts, mentally disconnect. Save yourself!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

CMC, I know I shouldn't, but I'm sitting here going tee-hee-hee… Found it a bit of a shock, did they? Did they indeed. You don't say.

Thank them generously and sincerely (flowers go down well). Other than that, you know the rule: never apologise, never explain. Now they know what you're coping with. It will have done them a POWER of good.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Switch the phone off and have fun what are they going to do leave your mum in the street?
If you need a break when youre in this game you grab it with both hands and dont give it up for any reason ignore them have youre break and try and enjoy it think of how much you deserve this.
My sister is taking mum in April for 12 days!!!!! I want her to be "overwhlemed" i want her on crack cocaine by the time shes done i want her to see just how hard this is and kiss my feet when shes next home.
Be strong and they will begin to appreciate you the more they have her MY AUNT hasnt been in touch since mums diagnosis???????????????????? go figure!
I wonder if the waltons would have behaved like this! now theres a TV show a reality type TV show when its not all sugar coated and sickly sweet!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

A week later and my friend is now complaining about how hard last week was! She was coordinating care of my mother and grandfather last week with my aunt. My aunt had a house renovation and leaking roof. My friend apparently had work deadlines and a long-planned trip. Friend also, by her initiation, started process of getting Mom into AL last week.

And now she's telling me how hard the week was and saying I should tell her what happened, like why I suddenly needed a break. I didn't ASK her to do any of this. She volunteered for all that she did.

It is so very hard to ask family for help with Mom. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn during all this. Yes I called her crying and upset and said we needed a change and a break. But I never dreamed it would happen immediately. And now she acts like I owe her or something.

I want to thank her - and have said thank you many times. But I feel like she is being pushy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I should not have read email. My aunt was posting about how stressed she was "preparing" for Mom with all the other stuff she was coping with. That was what got me. So very good advice, turn off phone and email. Will do!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My therapist said that I needed a break from caregiving because I was so exhausted, I would either end up in the hospital or killing myself from it. My boss gave me a gift - he will pay for my ticket to anywhere I wanted to go. I chose my vacation to Hawaii. Leading up to my flight, I made sure to find someone to help care for bedridden father while I was gone - 6 nights in Hawaii. I told my father of the trip about 2 weeks before my flight. He did the guilt trip and that I cannot leave because I'm caring for a critical person (him.) I found a friend willing to move in and sleep in the livingroom with father, and be here 24/7 while I was gone. Oldest sis still here but she does not do pampers. I did a crash course of changing pampers with my friend - 2 days before my flight. I left behind my cell phone, left No hotel name or number and just only gave my arrival date back home. Before I left, I said if there's an emergency, call 911. When I returned home, my therapist could see a big difference in me.

You and your husband need a vacation from caregiving. Don't call or respond to their emails. If something critical happens, they can take mom to the clinic or to the ER. If your husband is willing to check the email/text to ensure your mom is not in a life-threatening situation, then it's not a Need-to-Know information. Also, I have a feeling that this will be Your Last Vacation in a looooong time. Your family will know better than to offer to watch your mom. So, Enjoy Your Time Off!!!!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Do not answer the phone. Do not check your email. They will figure it out and respect you more for what you have done for so long. Can you get out of town for a few days?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

i agree, you definetly need it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Turn off your phone. Turn on your husband. Let them see, first hand, what you deal with, and enjoy the few days off. You may never get the offer again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I'm so sorry you're going through a bad time when you needed a good one. They don't realize the stress you're under and how hard this really is. It's also hard not to take a guilt trip over a needed break for your relationship and sanity. Let them deal with the 8 days and try to enjoy, let somebody else take the guilt trip when you get back. Easy to say, hard to do, sorry.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You have every right to this break.........remind them you NEED it. The tension between you and husband is not going to go away with out getting some relief on a regular basis. You are feeling angry and resentful because you feel used. They agreed they would still have her stay with them. It is OK to say you can't pick her up. Do not feel guilty... you are doing the best you can.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.