FIL's showtiming with family at Christmas and New Year's Eve has thrown the plans to downsize him into flux. What do I/we do?
Many of you long-time forum participants know the saga of my father-in-law who lives in independent living in the 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment he moved into with my now-deceased mother-in-law. He's been hemorrhaging money not just on the rent but on 2 full-time aides. His building is only indy living and he has been paying extra for a charade of independence for 5+ years now.
My husband is his dad's DPOA both medical and financial. He found a luxurious community in the countryside where FIL can spend the rest of his life in indy living, assisted living, or nursing home. For nearly 90, FIL's physical health is good and he could well live to be 100! My husband has been working hard to make sure that his money doesn't run out and that he gets to always live in a nice place. Some background of how much my husband has been involved in his parents' finances: he literally saved his parents from financial ruin.
FIL's cognitive decline is noticeable to all of us who spend time with him on a regular basis. And last year he had another sharp decline. Yet at Christmas and New Year's Eve, FIL's showtiming was worthy of an Academy Award. He loves talking with the wife of one of his nephews, who fawns over him. She doesn't see him often enough to know what's going on cognitively. We don't know what FIL said to her but it ended up with her writing my husband an email with such phrases as "ripping him away from his family" "his autonomy" "respect your father" "he should not have to move" etc etc etc.
So my husband is freaked out. He is worried that she will take it upon herself to stop my FIL from downsizing to a one-bedroom apartment at the sprawling country estate-like-community for seniors that hubby found. She also doesn't know that my husband showed his dad lots of pictures of the place and a lengthy video tour and FIL was ooooing and ahhhhing and said he liked the place and would move because he knew he had to cut expenses.
So, dear forum friends, how do I help my husband? This woman has a strong and overbearing personality. My husband does not want to do anything that will make her do anything beyond writing an email when she has no idea about what is actually happening with my FIL beyond what she saw at Christmas and New Year's Eve, which was an old man showtiming.
My FIL hasn't handled his own affairs in a decade; however, he is good at giving the impression that he is still in charge. My husband has humored him, perhaps too much. Bottom line is that he has to downsize and my husband wants his dad near him at the place he found for him.
Should I do anything or just keep out of it? What advice should I give my husband? My husband and his brothers have all dreaded dealing with their father, who has a strong personality and is very stubborn.
Just when I thought we were going to solve my FIL's money crisis, this wrinkle happens. Ugh. Sigh. Oy veh!
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Everyone is an 'expert' on what's 'best' for an aging loved one with cognition issues, especially those who are adept at Showtiming, like my own mother was. "What is SHE doing here?" people would often ask me. There's nothing wrong with her that she 'belongs' in MEMORY CARE! Oh really? Perhaps YOU would like to take her to YOUR home to deal with her wheelchair, her Depends, her blowouts, 29 meds a day, incontinence, insomnia, afib, neuropathy, Sundowning, etc etc. My cousin Barbara would even call mom telling her she wanted her to move into her house on Staten Island .....3 floors of vertical living for a woman in A WHEELCHAIR. Never once did Barbara offer to come get her, of course. All talk and no action are what these folks truly ARE. Full of free advice and admonishments for others about what we're doing 'wrong' with no solutions in mind..........just wagging fingers.
So again, I'd ignore this woman entirely, and pretend like she never sent such a rude email to begin with. Until & unless she decides to make a pest of herself, and then she'd get a tongue lashing she'd not soon forget.
Good luck.
Thankyou for your interest in my Father. I will forward his new address once he is settled. He is meeting the challenge of downsizing well, despite his recent cognitive issues. He will have more assistance in his new location, to meet his needs better. As a family we hope everyone can continue to support him - decline can sometimes become isolating. Again, I thank you for your concern & interest.
Tell her about "show timing"
Give her examples of or better yet record and show her evidence of his cognitive decline
Ask her if she wants to to spend everyday for at least 2 weeks with FIL so she can see for herself.
Ask her if she wants to contribute financially to his care after he runs out of money. Let's put it in writing, too. Tell her to put her money where her mouth is.
Also, a video of "a day in the life of Father: The Non-Showtiming Edition" may speak to her more loudly than words.
If it were me, as DPoA, I would respond with, "Thank you for the input. I will continue to do what's best for Father based on what I see on a daily basis and that works within the caregiving arrangement." Then ignore her. If she persists you will need to keep calmly informing her that interfering without knowing all the facts is destructive and not in Father's best interests and that a restraining order might be necessary. If she persists then she is the one choosing the restraining order, since she was warned. I would try to avoid this DEFCON 1 as much as possible, though.
So pleased that Dad and you continue to have such a sweet bond. Unfortunately, he will run out of money if he doesn't make some changes, and we all hope to have him around for a long time, living independently as much as possible and not needing to move in with family members. (How many bedrooms do you guys have again? Just in case?). Those of us who see him more frequently are aware of the increasing challenges he's facing, though he sure had fun at the holidays! We hope you'll visit Dad more frequently, since you always raise his spirits.
After she finishes her time with FIL, a family meeting to discuss his needs could be the next step...or at least a meeting with your husband and eldest brother, nephew and niece.
Doubt it would get this far.
So, I think you should just call her - she hid behind her email - you don't need to. You should tell her (in a professional, non-emotional, but stern way) that you were a bit taken aback at her email - and you'd prefer to address this in conversation. While you appreciate her concern about the FIL, she is unaware of the actual situation, given that she's only spent a few hours with him during the holiday and that is hardly enough time to assess what is necessary and realistic to provide your FIL with the appropriate current and future care that he may require.
And that your husband has helped him out of financial ruins years ago and he has been working diligently to ensure that his father continues to live in a beautiful community for the duration of his life - rather than being irresponsible by not preparing for his future where his money could run out. And you could ask her if she'd agree to take him in at that point instead?
You could also note that the FIL's cognitive decline is noticed to those who are close to him on a regular basis - rather than a few hours during holiday - and you're setting up a process in place to ensure his future safety. Plus, you both live nearby.
And that's it - and I'd wish her well and end the conversation there. These "do-gooders" are infuriating - it's easy for her to voice her opinion and judge - maybe she needs to just focus on her own life.
FIL needs to downsize. He can no longer afford where he is living. And if FIL can't understand this, then maybe he should be going into an AL. The cost of hiring Caregivers has to be as much as paying the difference between IL and AL.
It all comes down to your husband has POA. He can take Dad to a Neurologist and have him declared incompetent to make informed decisions. It is now what Dad needs not what he wants.
I'm an easy going person by nature, but I've had to push myself to get out of my own comfort zone regarding standing my ground regarding certain family situations - it's not always easy, but in the long run, it's served me better.
In this situation for you and your husband, after the conversation is addressed, I'm sure you'll feel good about moving on from it, never to think about it again - from that overbearing person!
Best wishes!
Delete the e-mail.
Understand that what someone says does not make it true.
Plan B
Bravely cc, send the email to all closest family members in charge.
Without a comment.
Best Plan
Have your husband and the older brother talk it out. Good idea!
I realize that she may have empathy for him, but clearly she doesn’t know what is going on in his day to day life.
Your husband is the one that is in charge here, not his niece. He has every right to continue on with what he feels is best for his dad. As his wife, it’s perfectly fine to share your thoughts on the matter.
Downsizing is the most sensible plan! He needs to be practical regarding his finances.
Your niece is interfering in your personal lives. She’s the one who doesn’t know what she doesn’t know.
Sadly, interfering busybodies are the very people who feel like they know everything when they actually know nothing about what is actually happening.
Best wishes to you and your family.
She obviously, doesn't know your FIL or she would see that he needs more help and he needs to plan financially for that help.
Too many younger people think that the government will step in if we run out of money. True to a degree but, the way things are going that is not going to be a reality for much longer.
You asked:
"Should I do anything or just keep out of it? What advice should I give my husband?"
You can continue to care and do what you have been doing, without doubting yourself. (No matter what anyone says). Calmly discussing this with your husband may help him. Seems that the niece could be a narcissist, and if so, experts advise "Do not confront a narcissist".
Advise your husband to be strong and continue the excellent plans already carefully made. Your plans for Fil sound reasonable. And keeping him closer may ease some of the caregiving burden for you both.
Remember that you both are put in a caring position, with that brings:
"No good deed goes unpunished." It is not easy.
My husband is starting to circle the wagons. He's called in reinforcements i.e. FIL's accountant for 40 years with whom my husband consulted many many times about this plan and who agrees that it's good and financially prudent.
I responded to a post and don’t see it now. Anyway, I mentioned that I LOVE what HopeForHelp says about your NIL hiding behind an email.
She wouldn’t have to nerve to say these nasty, ridiculous things to your face.
People like her try to intimidate others through emails, social media, text messages, and so on.
They are poor communicators when confronted in person.
I am all for modern technology when it is utilized properly. I don’t like when I see it misused.
You know your situation better than anyone else. That is all that truly matters.
You don’t owe her a response at all but I do love the poster who said that you could ask her about having a spare bedroom. That was brilliant!
As always Beatty’s posting regarding a response was so tasteful! No need to stoop to her level. Why give her any credence? It would only feed her ego and she would misinterpret your words and attempt to use them as ammunition.
It’s sad really. You sort of have to pity people who feel the need to continually interfere in others lives when they know absolutely nothing about the situation.
I have no doubt that you and your husband know what you’re doing and aren’t relying on your NIL for feedback.
I appreciate your concern regarding my dad. However, this is an immediate-family matter, and my siblings and I are making decisions in his best interests as we/I have been doing for a decade already.
I'll send you his new address once he is settled. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you or have a visit.
All the best,
Hubby
If it were me, I would just go on as if you never got the email. It was so hurtful and out of line and I am sorry you guys had to go through that.
Now, forget her and focus on getting FIL where he needs to be as quickly as possible.
She is just a distraction. The fact is that this will be hard enough. It sounds like DH is doing a lot of projecting of what *may* happen or what she might do. Totally normal. But, it will go better for both of you if you just take what is in front of you one step at a time.
These types of people gather power by keeping everyone using all of their energy to deflect them. Just don’t.
Tell DH he can do this… we are all cheering you guys on:)
As far as money/explanations, you don’t share those things because you are respecting his privacy. No one’s beeswax, lol.
It’s been my experience that grandkids have the hardest time with this stuff. That separation between generations is what gives grandparents their awesome rosy glow. It’s a great gift… most of the time. She/nephew will always think they are right… don’t provide valuable headspace to their ignorance. Won’t change them and it won’t help you.
Best wishes.
If FIL pushes back on this plan, DH can resign and allow NIL or the State become guardian.
Less work for you guys...
Email her back and say "Thank you for the feedback. Here are the financials showing that he will be destitute in x years. Here is the financial picture if we move him. I'm planning on going forward with the plan to move him."
If your husband has been watching his Dad's finances for the last few years, submit those spreadsheets to her also so that she knows how much his costs have been. Most people, myself included, are surprised at the actual cost when it is tallied up.
And continue to say "Thank you for the feedback". As hard as it is, just repeat over and over (to yourself and in the email), this is a business decision to ensure he has someplace comfortable to live out the rest of his life.
Treat it as a business decision, with business-like emails.
UGH....
I feel for you.