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My fiance takes care of his mother & step father full time whom I believe both have dementia (but is un-diagnosed). It is obvious to me that he is burnt out, but he seems to refuse to do anything about it. He refuses to put his mother in a home, I have made suggestions for him to get help and a diagnosis, but he says he doesn't have time to go get help & his mother doesn't want any body else to help her. It would be fine, but he is very angry most of the time, yelling at his mother & step father about the smallest things & when I am over there it is very uncomfortable & highly stressful for me. The last time I was witness to this, I spoke up and told him to stop yelling. I just cant sit by & do nothing, it is borderline abuse. His mother is only 68, this could go on for a long time. She can't move one side of her body & can't be left alone.

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Make sure you continue to live 45 minutes away. I know you love him and care about him, but this is his train wreck, not yours. If you fall into the “fixer” trap, your life will take a bigger hit than his. Protect yourself.
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I'm very sorry to read your post, Melissa. This is a horrible situation, but thank goodness you have the backbone to do something about it.

In your position, I would call APS in confidence and get their advice. Say that to them, literally: "I need advice on what to do in a situation which I've become concerned about."

I'm in the UK, so of course it isn't exactly the same, but professional social workers are professional social workers the world over, and in my experience social workers specialising in services for older adults know their business and do not rush at things like a bull at a gate.

How did your fiancé respond when you pulled him up short that time? Was he angry with you, relieved, defensive? I'm wondering if his response might tell you anything about how receptive he'd be to professional advice.

The ideal would be to gain his agreement to a needs assessment. There are so many possible options that would help him and an assessment would bring the information to him.
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Melissa197 Dec 2018
He said please don't mess with me right now & stormed out of the room.
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Your fiancé seems to have made it quite clear that he doesn’t want help, your’s or anyone else’s. Burned out? Absolutely. I would honestly be a bit concerned that his yelling at his parents in anger could turn physical. When you’re stressed, it doesn’t take much to push one over the line.

I would say you cannot “fix” this situation and you are only frustrating yourself by trying. Your fiancé will need to decide for himself when and if he will accept help. APS is bound to come out to investigate, but unless there are obvious signs of abuse or neglect, they cannot open a file. For your own well-being, you may want to consider taking a break from this relationship. It will be much more difficult to do so once you are married.
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Melissa197 Dec 2018
That's what I'm afraid of.
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Oh honey bunny. I'm sorry this is happening to all of you.

Please do try to get in touch with social services. Whether he's in the mood to recognise it or not he clearly does need help, as you've recognised. It's so difficult, because when you're backed into a corner as he is then the slightest suggestion can feel like a hostile criticism even when it isn't. I think professional advice must be the only way forward.

And what about you? How are *you* doing?
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That would tell me a great deal about what it could be like being married to him...
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Melissa; Are you a mandated reporter?
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So...

Before all this began to go south, how would you have rated the idea of his becoming his mother's full time caregiver, just hypothetically?
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In the perfect world, I would not want him to be his mother's sole caregiver, let alone her husbands sole caregiver too. I respect him for doing it, his heart is in the right place, but he doesn't have the resources to cope with it all & all of life's nuances. I wish I had more control over the situation. Currently I would like to take the "step dad" to evaluated for dementia. I believe he has dementia, my fiance believes he does the things he does on purpose. I think if the doctor told my fiance he had dementia things would be a little better, because alot of the conflict is due to the step dad not helping or doing things as expected or told. I really dont think hes capable, but by fiance thinks hes defiant & trying to cause trouble.
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Oh my goodness your poor fiancé.

As I remember it, even when you do have a diagnosis and you have worked hard to educate yourself about dementia and think you're getting the hang of it; even then, it can still feel very much as if they are "doing it on purpose." You feel that it surely can't be a coincidence that the worst and messiest disasters happen at the worst and most frustrating possible moments.

So if he isn't yet ready to accept that there could be sound neurological or physiological causes behind his step-dad's behaviours, I can imagine he, fiancé, is backing himself into a very painful corner indeed.

Isn't it bizarre? Is there any other medical or psychological condition that we'd approach thinking "I may not know the first thing about this but what the heck, I am the best and only person to deal with it." But I'm sure that among people whom caregiving creeps up on (like me) or ambushes (like him) many of us must fall into that trap.

What if you were, in a quiet and peaceful moment, to ask your fiancé how he would feel if he were to be told in six to twelve months' time that his defiant, annoying, attention-seeking, trouble-making stepfather in fact does have advancing dementia?

What other fields of expertise does he think he could step into at short notice and cope with unaided?

I don't know why we feel we "ought" to be able to do this job, just like that. It makes no sense. But we do, don't we.
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I have known him for 11 years, been dating for 4, 2 of which we have been engaged. His mother became ill shortly after our engagement. NYS doesnt have an elder abuse mandated reporter requirement.
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