Feeling unable to enjoy my vacation. Any tips on how to manage this?

I’m in the same situation. I feel trapped. Guilty if I take a break. Exhausted if I don’t. I keep praying that God will end my mother’s sickness that is torturing both of us.

Wow, I can relate to this so well and I will offer you a simple suggestion. You are feeling this way and rightfully so because you know how difficult it has been on you and the high negative impact these duties are having on you and your life. The answer is in front of you - you are either burned out or you are NOT meant to be a caretaker for whatever reason. When the patient's behaviors affect the caretaker very badly, then ask if you are NOT worth having the PEACE that YOU DESERVE. Sometimes this is a wakeup call - either get another caretaker or place them somewhere so you can have a life you deserve. Don't wait - take appropriate action now.

Some Really Great answers here, but have you considered that Your Dad may not be the Only Reason why you get anxious on vacation, and dread returning? Maybe your job working with the aging population may be part of the problem or maybe you are seeing just how far your Dad will decline in his elder year, and that you may be comparing him to these older clients on how far he most likely will decline, as is so often inevitable.

While you do seem to recognize his current day issues and have a handle on things in the here and now, it seems you are projecting on what the future might hold in the care and responsibility of him, and you are stressing out on it, while you should be enjoying your family and your vacation. The time is now to begin focusing on how you can set those boundaries and implement ways in which to make his life and your life easier, so when you do have time to yourselves and are vacationing, you can stay in the present, enjoy yourself to the fullest and postpone thinking about what is to come once you get home, as That stuff is Always going to be waiting.

Those excellent exercises by TOUCHMATTERS listed above are things we All should be doing for a healthy and well balanced lifestyle, so thar we can easier take on the stressors of normal day life, as well as the ever changing and difficult tasks of caring for our parents, and man oh man, It Ain't easy!

Is it possible for you to get him involved with the local Senior Center, a men's group, or perhaps learning class on something he is interested in, cooking, photography, computer or art courses, wood working,, or the local Theater group? The sooner you can get him interested in some lifestyle changes, and making more friends to be involved with, the easier it would be for you as he would have other things taking up his time instead of him focusing on himself and his own problems.

It will benefit him to remain active and involved with outside activities as long as possible! To keep himself fit, and his mind will stay sharper longer too!

In the meantime, focus on how you can make the most of those vacations and your husband and children, enjoying your life is important too! I might speak with a counselor about managing your stress, and ways to relax in the here and now! I also recommend staying on this blog site, as there is always great advice on so many relevant topics, it helped me tremendously during my caregiving years!

HollyDaughter: I understand you; I really do. My husband and I made the mistake of postphoning any extended vacations because of the mindset, "What will happen if mother gets sick while we're on vacation?" Mother has passed away. So we never went and now we're too old to take the missed vacations. You are doing the right thing by taking these needed vacations.

I’m unable to go on a “vacation “ & have not gone away since 2014...even though I went with my mother...to Florida...she was still walking...very slowly...with a Walker ...& wheelchair help at plane & cruise port ...(in 2012) she also had a couple of incontinent accidents......separate suitcase for pull-ups & pads for her...

but now...no vacation plans for me as nobody can or willing to stay with my mother ...

enjoy your vacation

My tip for you would be to bring in some hired help. It will be the best thing for you and your father and you need it.
When you get back from vacation look into some homecare help, adult day care, or even assisted living facilities.

STAY IN THE PRESENT. Refocusing your 'head' and 'thought patterns' to return to the present will help you STOP the constant head tripping. You may need to do this often. However, once you do it a few times, it will be easier.
HOW TO RETURN TO PRESENCE?
1. Focus on your breath.
2. Look into the eyes of those around you; people you are interacting with.
3. If out in nature, marvel at the beauty in a tree, colors of the bark, the magic of flowers. (I revere trees, earth tones (colors) nature and am a designer so when I look at the formation of a tree, for instance, I see it 'for the first time' and am stunned with its beauty).
4. If / when walking, be aware of your body and moving.
PRACTICE GRATITUDE
1. That you are no worried about your dad now. That is huge. Be grateful.
2. With Covid, wherever you are going, be aware of being grateful for your circumstances - that you can travel.
DEALING WITH UNFINISHED BUSINESS
1. The 'business' of caring for a loved one is never done however you need to put people and procedures in place to lessen the stress/strain on you.
2. Whatever you do not take care of when you are taking care of day-to-day needs will be with you, heavy in your head and heart, until you make or investigate / pursue what you need to do - what care you need, etc.
3. If you feel you do not want to 'go home,' all the more critical that you dive in - with the help of whoever you need to assist you, be it a social worker, therapist, neighbor, friend, family memberS (everyone) to change your circumstances.
BEING WOUND UP
1. Anxiety, overwhelm - we know it well (or I certainly do) - self care is critical.
2. Meditate, move / exercise / stretch / take a walk
3. Eat well.
4. It is essential you take care of your self / health and not 'stuff in' feelings of stress with overeating or just collapsing in a chair.
5. Do little things for yourself - get a rose (one flower), read a few pages of a book each day, do a body scan - a relaxation and 'letting go' exercise/meditation, journal writing - whatever will support you to feel better / relieve the stress - as you decide to change your daily patterns 'habits' you will develop 'self care habits' over time.
Remember, whatever you do not change will remain the same. You need to take action-for your well being and for your ability to care for your dad. Gena.

You have the ability to go on vacation? LOL Honestly, though, when the idea of leaving the elderly parents alone because too much, I just stopped going away. It seemed easier to just stay put than to spend money and not enjoy it because my head would be enveloped in care issues. I realize it's not much a solution, but this won't last forever, and when you finally are able to go away, you'll be able to finally relax.

Addendum: Just realized your dad is only 65 (my age). Is he seriously disabled from his stroke? If not then he should be able to care for himself for a few days, especially if he has folks to go the cleaning up for him. As for the computer/phone issues, I wonder if there are some high school kids you might be able to find to help him out with tech stuff. Beg off fixing the phone/computer by saying (I just don't understand the newest updates---did you try looking it up on You Tube?)

Also, maybe he's just plain old bored and lonesome. Being the designated helper can be really, really annoying especially when you believe the person you're caring for is able to do more for him/herself than they let on. Sorry that this wasn't more helpful.

when I worked, my mom (widowed) called me at 8pm every evening. she missed having a family in the house and that was the least I could do to comfort her or give her companionship. once Parkinson's made it impossible for her to be independent, I quit my job to take care if her. things were at times pretty tough for me as I had very little help from siblings. In the three years that I took care of her full time, no one ever offered to give me a day off. I dont regret helping mom out for 7.5 years with eventual help from a brother.. but I think that you might want to reevaluate your mind set. you dread going back after vacation. is watching your dad a chore or a blessing in your eyes. if he is, verbally abusive..hang up or leave his presence after you tell him that you will not be verbally abused. if he wants you to stay that day, he will change his ways..if he does not then you have done your duty as his daughter and hope that the next visit goes better..he made his choice. I guess that you know that it is not healthy to dread your present relationship but with his dementia, he mind either will mellow out or become more difficult.

You’re wound up, you just have to learn to relax even if it’s for a few days or hours. You can’t do everything and you can’t have control all the time and you can’t think of everything, It’s hard not to worry but try and be selfish you owe it to yourself your doing a good job taking care of your loved one.

I have been sharing this story of mine too many times...but I feel I must because of the dramatic point it makes. Compared to many others my burdens are not as great in re to caregiving. But I am perfectionisitic, and a worrier. So it makes vacation time a little bit harder. My folks are a bit more independent and functional so that helps, some. When away....and not that far....it takes effort to focus on being in the moment and sucking up every second of pleasure one can....but you can do it. Maybe the secret is remembering while you are going back to the usual, you will have other escapes, even if brief, to go back to. Maybe what helps me is being no more than an hour away....and knowing I have left my phone number with relevant others so if there would be a crisis I am reachable and can be back fairly quickly. The real story is that the stress can add up and take a toll. I just had a follow up visit by phone with the cardiothoracic surgeon who saved my life a few months ago, yesterday. I had a dissected aorta which is almost always fatal. Or it can impact blood flow/cut it off, to the brain and you can have a stroke. Luckily we live not too far from the Cleveland Clinic and I was shipped off by helicopter from the local hospital in time to prevent that with a quick surgery. One of the contributing factors they believe is higher blood pressure. All I can tell you is I am grateful to be here and able to write you and that the helicopter ride was billed at $47K (for about 12 miles), thankfully covered by insurance. I'd rather have vacations that spend that money on emergency transport, wouldn't you? I am not a planner so much, but maybe you need some distractive things to do when you are away....some specific plans to focus on. For me, I hand-make holiday cards and I usually plot them out in advance...so I take a bag of supplies I need and work on them when I am away at the same hotel. I have a beautiful desk in front of a window overlooking a river and trees, a comfy desk chair and great lighting....plus my room has a microwave and mini fridge. It works out well. Take good care. And remember....it won't go on forever.

It seems that you are experiencing burn out. Maybe spend 1 day of vacation evaluating what you are doing that you "hate" to go back to. Brainstorm ideas to meet those needs that you can live with and help your loved one.

You say dad is in Independent Living. What are you doing to "prop" him up so he can remain in Independent Living? Should he be in Assisted Living or with the dementia maybe Memory Care?
He is in a facility that SHOULD be taking most of the burden from you not adding to it.
You need to establish and maintain boundaries.
Your priority is to yourself and your family and they deserve your time.
You are young. When I was in my 50's my Husband was diagnosed with dementia. All the travel we wanted to do became impossible. You need to realize that we need to take advantage of what we have NOW. Travel with your family enjoy your family. You never know what the future holds.

Laura--
I don't think the OP needs MORE stuff to do and has NO extra time, so suggesting she create these magical moments to self care aren't going to happen. Her dad is still VERY young to be having issues such as he has--and he could easily live 30 more years. 30.

I have very little compassion for people who basically abuse their CG, whether they be their family or paid CG's from an agency. It really sounds like dad is driving you up a wall sideways--and that, plus your job & kids--your plate is too full.

Sadly, time for that 'talk' with dad. He needs to learn to access what is out there for help and use it. No more being mean to the CG's who show up. And no more being mean to YOU.

Explain to him that he comes 3rd after your DH and kids. Suport him in finding activities, if he wants, but not in negative nasty behavior. When he gets over the top, you can walk out. It's a super effeective tool in shutting down pointless discussions and arguments.

You are also showing your kids, by example, how to be used and downtrodden and it's not pretty.

My SIL is there with my MIL right now. MIL is only 'allowing' SIL into her life. She will not allow a single other person to 'do' for her, except her housekeeper of 20 years. And she doesn't even really like her. This will happen to you--almost a sure thing if you allow dad to run your free time like this.

If caretaking is too difficult, time to think of other options. It might be time for more support. Think about how taxing life has become and whether other options might work? Would assisted living be best? Would a long term facility be best? Would help from a company like Visiting Angels help?
You might call your local Senior Center and see if there is a support group you could join.
Try more days of self care too.
I bought myself a massage chair and I have a hobby I do when my dad sleeps.
Make sure you get exercise, enough sleep and call your friends and family.
Seek out a good church.
You are right, vacations alone are not enough for Caregivers.
If this job is TOO much, make a change. If it is what you want, increase your self care with walks, better eating, more sleep and a hobby.

He is only 65...wow. That is not a good omen for his later years if he's already having these issues.
one thing you might want to think about is that the ONLY thing you can change is you and your thoughts. When we worry, we are living in the future. So when you go on vacation, and you begin dreading going back, you are not in the present enjoying the gift of being on holiday. You are projecting into the future some awful even. Ask yourself, how does that serve you? The honest answer would be that it doesn’t. You say he’s always been abusive and from your description it appears he is not appreciative of your help. Did you know as an adult, you are allowed to set boundaries? Is it easy, if you’ve not been used to doing that? No...however it is the healthiest thing you can do if you want to gain control and power over your life and not allow his wants to take precedence over what you need. You do not have to talk to him daily...surprise. You can let the call go to voicemail or you can tell him daily calls are too much for you with a young family so set a schedule. Perhaps every Sunday and Wednesday...or similar. You need to find out now how to control this as it will only get more difficult as he ages. If you don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, a good therapist can help and there is a book by Henry Cloud on Boundaries that is helpful.

It sounds like you are getting burnt out. You need help!

You should take at least 2 Vacations a year but you also need time to yourself every we.

Line up family members or friends to come by twice a week for 3-4 hrs, to watch while you go out to lunch, go get a manicure or massage, ect or hire a Caregiver once or twice a week for 3 or 4 hrs.

You also need at least one day a week off.

You might also try several mini vacations thruout the year.

Prayers

Sounds simplistic, but have you tried Incorporating meditation into your lifestyle? Perhaps just the first few days of vacation?

when I worked and had two small children, I didn’t have any time for myself and felt I wasn’t enjoying the time with my children the way I wanted to. For 15 minutes each day, I would place a sign on my bedroom door “Mom is meditating”. My children couldn’t read yet so I had some pictures on it as well. they eventually learn to respect the sign. I’m still not sure if it was meditating that helped or just having 15 minutes a day that I knew was just for me

I replied below but wish to add my test:
Occasional vs Beck & Call

How I have learned to operate now is - if you are independent & just need a little help, fine! Call me.

But if you expect me to be at your beck & call 24/7 & want everything done all your way, forget it!

There is no negioting with unreasonable people. If you are acting unreasonable, I will stop negotiating with you.

I rarely took time off from caregiving but when I did, I felt free to enjoy the time I had with my husband and daughters.

I arranged for mom to have round the clock care and I called to check on her.

Never in my life have I thought about home when traveling. I enjoyed the trip.

I never thought about something happening when I was gone or what I would return home to. I was so glad to be away and was completely able to live in the moment.

I had tons of anxiety while caregiving as my mother’s health declined but fortunately not during the very few times that I went away.

Only one time did I go away for a whole week. Mom didn’t require as much care at that point. We went to California. The other times were only weekends here and there.

Before caregiving I was able to travel quite a bit and missed it. I love traveling.

I hope that you will be able to eliminate your anxiety next time you are able to get away.

Consider speaking to a therapist to sort out your feelings.

Think about future needs of your loved one and start planning. Having a plan to follow will allow you to put your mind at rest.

You deserve peace and joy!

I read a stupid meme on Facebook recently that said, Try to create a life you don't need a vacation from. I laughed. We ALL need a vacation because life is stressful. WHO lives such a carefree lifestyle these days that a vacation doesn't feel like a necessity and a well deserved break??

Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's a good lesson in learning how to live in the present moment instead of the past or the future. While on vacation, if you're able to live in the Now, you're then able to enjoy the moment w/o projecting about the future when your life will again be less than ideal due to your father's irritating personality. Living in the future prevents your enjoyment of the Now, and your vacation is ruined by several days at least. Living in the future creates anxiety. Similarly with dwelling on what's happened in the past, which creates depression or sadness. You can't change the past, so don't think about it; same with the future. It takes a lot of practice and in the book, you're given a blueprint on how to actually DO it.

Even though you may not be much of a 'hands on' caregiver for your father or living with him 24/7, a person with a difficult personality lives inside of one's HEAD, taking up valuable real estate in there. That real estate is better served elsewhere so having it hogged up with dread & worry is an ugly thing. I know, b/c even though I'm not a hands-on caregiver for my mother (who lives in Memory Care), she hogs up a HUGE portion of my mental real estate and causes me a lot of anxiety and aggravation.

A good thing for you to do with your father is to decide what you will and will not do for him, and when you will do it. On Tuesdays & Thursdays from 5-7 pm (for instance) I will be available to fix computers or do whatever tasks you have for me. I will not be available at other times, so anything that needs doing will have to be saved up for the times I AM available, dad. Sorry/not sorry, but that's the new terms of the deal. Phone calls can go to voice mail and not returned until and unless you have the time and/or the desire. You are not at your father's beck & call and YOU are the one who needs to understand that. Once you do, you can make HIM understand it. As long as you feel like you are obligated to jump when he says you must, then you WILL. Stop feeling the obligation to, and you will begin to feel strangely free from the burden you've taken on. It's all about rules and boundaries, similar to those we set with our children. If we didn't, our children would be walking all over us & eating candy & cake all day long, right?

Wishing you the best of luck managing a difficult father. And wishing you an awesome vacation that you can truly enjoy!

OH, and ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!

Dreading going back to your normal life means there need to be some changes. Start brainstorming how to improve the things that you are dreading. Your dad does not need to like the changes, but they need to be made for YOU and your family (who must come first).

Read up on boundary setting. You can give him suggestions of solutions to the void that you pulling back may make. Then it's up to him. He's young enough to be more independent and he should be forced to be as independent as possible.

Boundries. If you don't implement now it will be harder as time goes on.

I want to say first that I always tried to do what my parents asked of me. Being the oldest I had the most responsibility and the one child who could be made to feel guilty. So, I surprised myself as an adult I set boundries with my parents. I too worked and had 2 children. I overwhelm easily so when I did for them, it was when I could. TG Mom handled most of Dads stuff but a few years after he passed, she was no longer able to drive. From day one I set up one day a week for her and I to run errands and grocery shop. We eat out a lot, she went with us at least 1x a week. TG she had her friends and Church, it kept her busy.

Your profile says Dad has a Dementia. He may need an Assisted Living. If not now eventually. Do not let him live with u. Things will not be better. Boundries will be hard to set with someone who has a Dementia but you can set them for you. Ignore his calls if your in the middle of something. Let them go to VM and then screen them. Maybe he needs a more simple phone and a simple tablet. It may just be that he can no longer use them. He is forgetting how they work. Learn to walk away or hang up when he is abusive.

Someone with Dementia can no longer be reasoned with. Their processing becomes slower and they lose the ability to show empathy. They get self-centered and get like a small child.

Your mind is providing you with a message when you do not want to return to your own life. It is time really to decide how long you can go on giving the care at the level you currently are giving it. You should listen to your mind at rest. What basically I see here is that you are so overwhelmed in your daily life that the running wild is preventing your looking at and actually SEEING what your life has turned into. You go on vacation and the calmness makes it impossible not to understand how bad it is for you. You need to consider how long the current level of care can go on. And need to come to an understanding within about how much of your own life, your one and only life, you are willing to sacrifice to others.

Not to minimize what you're feeling, but you say in your response to Beatty, that your dad lives by himself, and is quite independent, and that you occasionally have to go fix his phone or computer, and book his housekeepers. Do you know how many caregivers wish that's all they had to worry about? You need to be counting your blessings, and enjoy your vacation. Perhaps if you remember how fortunate you really are with a dad who is still able to do for himself, it will help put things in perspective. I couldn't help but also notice in your response, that you said, "he's extremely rude and difficult as a client." I found your wording to be odd, as he's your dad, not your client. Could that be why you're finding it hard to deal with him, because you consider him a "client" instead of your dad? And as far as him wanting to talk to you everyday on the phone, when you have other things to do, just don't answer your phone. He can leave a voicemail, and if it's important you can call him back, otherwise you can call him back when it is convenient for you. Your dad is young and so are you, so you best enjoy these years, as things with him will change as he gets older. Might be a good time to reevaluate your roll in his care long term, so it won't all be falling on you. Your children and husband must be your number one priority. Wishing you the best.

Hi Beatty,
thanks for your answer. Yes, he’s independent in that he lives alone. He can cook his own food gets help in for heavy housework chores.

he gets a call each morning from the Telecross which is such a relief for me as he recently told me he has had some falls which he had kept from me.

where it gets hard is things like his phone and computer. He gets stuck asks them demands I fix it out. He doesn’t say please etc etc. he also has me take care of booking the housekeepers etc
he’s extremely rude and difficult as a client. Due to the stroke he’s become extremely neat and tidy to almost an ocd standard. I would say this is due to memory issues

i have a young family to take care of. he expects me to drop everything and talk to him on the phone every day about the same things

I know the situation isn’t the same as someone caring for a person with severe dementia
I’m still quite young 40 and dad is 65 so I’ve got all that to “look forward to”

A vacation is an excellent time to look back on your normal life, isn't it?

Do I want to return to what was before? My job? My studies? Partner? House? Garden full of weeds?

What changes do I want to make??

I am on vacation now, so maybe I can relate. I have in the past had spells of worry that interfere with my holiday but have (mostly) resolved this.

Tell us about your Father? He is living in Independent Living (on your profile). So my first question is: is he independent?