Is anyone else feeling sad this Christmas?

Army, think good thoughts, cry a bit and let it out, thoughts and prayers are with you on this Christmas Eve

Sad because it will be my first Christmas without my mother, she died this past May.

Yes Jessie, I know how you feel, I think a lot of us do - maybe even most. I have zero holiday feeling! Too much stress for too long. The doctor says any day now for my mama. She will be 92 in January so she really has had a long, and for the most part, good and fulfilling life. It's the soul-sucking disease of Alzheimers that is shadowing everything else. My dad will be 86 in March and he is just burnt out.
He is just not ready to let her go. We spent the day together, with my son and granddaughter who is 5. Daddy and I spoke about mama passing and how we will honestly feel....Relief, scared (esp. him for the future) and sad. I was glad for the distraction of my GD...she is a happy little girl and full of energy and I think that helped all of us out. Holiday spirit? No....mostly just a deep and abiding sadness. I'm not even really depressed, just tired of this stupid disease over-taking our lives. I used to complain about mama's meanness (when she was in the middle stage) but the silence of the final stage is awful. She cannot move, eat or drink. It is as if this very frail statue has replaced her. I will be happy to have all of the holidays over just so that I don't have to feel the need to try and 'enjoy' myself.

Brinoz, that is just so rude of your DIL and son to leave like that. Your son should have known better. He could have said, "Mom, go ahead and see my new baby. I will watch Grandma." It's that simple. A couple of minutes to an hour (if that's the most he can handle Grandma). They over-reacted. Sounds like someone was fuming while you were enroute home. By the time you arrived, that someone blew up. And I say someone - because it could be DIL or both of them. I would have been just as pissed off as you were. If you still have access to email to your son, why don't you send him a SUBTLE email of how disappointed and hurt you were to not even have a chance to see and carry HIS new son. Whatever you do - make it Subtle but do Not Overdo the Guilt trip. Don't be too emotional or accusing. Any tug of war, his wife will always win. You don't want to burn the bridge of seeing your grandson. Just a subtle reminder to your son that you really wanted to see HIS child (note - not Your grandchild). This emphasis will let him know that you want to see His child - about him - and not about you. Do I make sense? {{Hugs}}

lpapagno, vascular dementia like my mom had sucked pretty bad too. I think it may not have been as bad as most Alzheimer's because she did recognize familiar loved ones up until the end, but then she worried a lot too. Not everybody goes through this bad dementia stuff like we do/did. There are other bad things going on the world now - like those children gunned down in Pakistan - and it makes you question even trying to find joy in Christmas, but truth be told you are right, there has always been bad stuff. Like a little over a week from now we commemorate the slaughter of the Holy Innocents...and of course our Jesus was born into an occupied country in a really bad situation too, except He had a loving mom and dad at least. So I guess Christmas is coming every year into whatever mess we have made of the world, and we need to go ahead and make lemonade out of those lemons and not feel bad about scrounging up whatever little joys and moments we can for us and our loved ones. You are making the right move to decorate "for Mom" but hey - next year, whatever is going on with Mom, do it for you too.

I have a facebook friend who posted on the school massacre and also put up a picture of two little puffball baby owls - she just felt they were consoling and excessively cute and did it to remind herself and the rest of us, that the world may be all screwed up, largely by us humans, but it can also produce incredibly cute little baby owls. Sad-funny kind of post, I liked it a lot. So, I wish you some baby owls in your life and some more chances to make good memories and have some joy even with Mom declining. Big hugs...and oh yeah, BTW - if you LIKED Alzheimer's there would really be something seriously wrong with you besides just a little melancholy.

I have been sad every Christmas since I don’t know when. When I reached puberty and was becoming really aware of the real world. Ever since I feel very melancholy at Christmas time. This is the first time in about twenty years there is a tree up in the living room and that’s only because of my mother who I’m sure this Christmas will be her last one that she is aware of. I hate Alzheimer’s and have begun to realize the speed at which it starts to really destroy the brain. My mom has gotten so much worse since May, I just cannot believe how fast this has happened. But, in the giant scheme of things I guess it’s no worse than any other misfortune in life. Sooner or later something gets us all and there’s not a d*mn thing one can do about it. It’s just life.

FIL is jealous and doesn't have enough of a filter to put the brakes on giving voice to it. Sad for him he is jealous of a kid with autism, that's a tough row to hoe in life. I know what you mean by it sucking the joy out. Somehow you have to convince yourself the criticism is unjustified. And it is, if that helps any.

Stand behind him, make silly ugly faces and totally mock him until he turns around to glare at you and then SMILE. Then give him a present he might really like, even if its a stinky cigar and a half bottle of bad bourbon. Just my $0.02.

This just plain sucks. My FIL (dad) has been super nasty when the kids opened their gifts. He even said, "He's getting that?!" in regard to my love's autistic son getting a kindle tablet (he already has an ipad at his other house). It just sucked all of the joy out of the holiday. I hate being excited and having a naysayer there. I HATE it. It changes my brain chemistry. We are trying so hard to present our children with the sweet santa life and he is right there by design, so ready to offer criticism. HATING IT.

Binoz - does that DIL have any idea how her behavior came off to you and affected you?? Can your son talk to her and tell her hey, my mom just wanted to hold that grandbaby more than anything else in the world and feels like her happiest moment just got ripped away from her?

I ALMOST decided not to decorate and this would be the year I just put all the stuff back in the attic untouched. I had gotten it down at the beginning of Advent but had almost no time due to work, and friends who needed visited (one lost his leg and is in subacute rehab right now) and definitely no help. My son and husband who live with me are too lazy to help decorate - it isn't for them, its for me. Well, I put up the tree last night. That may be all that gets done, besides presents - after all people and worship services do come first - but all I could think of was how when my grandmother stopped decorating it was the beginning of the end. Hugs and sympathy!!

What in the world, brinoz? That was really extreme for them to have left.

When Mother and I arrived at my home (5hr drive) my son's wife snubbed me and took my new grandson and son and left for a couple of hours. All I wanted to do when I arrived was hold my precious grandson. I totally lost it. Cried, screamed and just left the house and drove around sobbing. Called my daughter in NC and talked to her. She tried to calm me down, but I was beyond calming. Called my brother who live 2 hrs from my house and was having Christmas at his house for his family and told him he HAD to come and get our mother. He had planned to come for a couple hours Christmas Day to see her. I guess my sobbing scared him so he agreed to come today and keep her until Friday. She was so excited to go to his house as he never invites her there. I do appreciated him doing this, but resent that I had to have a total breakdown for him to realize I needed help. I have since calmed down but put all the stuff I had drug out to decorate and put it away. The kids are going to her parents with the baby until Friday, so figured there was no reason to decorate. Planning on resting and watching TV all day Christmas. This is the weirdest Christmas in my life, but I feel fine about it. Merry Christmas and Holidays to all my caregiver friends.

Wonderful video and immediately made me think of another thread where the son is being kicked out of his mom's apartment. His story is different (mental illness), but close enough that it made me think of him. The man in this video was very articulate and I hope he can get back on his feet. Thanks for sharing it JessieBelle.

He was so articulate, and how he got this way didn't surprise me at all. What he did with the money did surprise me. I knew I wouldn't have been able to do that. I would have thought of my own needs, to tell the truth.

Jessie what a humbling video Thank you

Write off the sad feelings: I think this helped me a lot. Get a long piece of paper and somewhere you can be private, make yourself a comforting cup of tea or whatever, and write down the ugliest, saddest, depressing feelings you can get in touch with within yourself. Don't go into why, or incidents, or anything. This is just a way to be in touch with taking care of your emotions. No one will read it because as soon as you are done, you will finish your comforting tea, crumple the paper or rip it up into many small pieces and then throw them out in a safe place. SAFE place is important. Live with what you discovered about your feelings for a few days.

Then, make a list of things you WANT to feel or other feelings you have that make you feel good. On another page write activities, attitudes, things to overcome in yourself that you can change. For me I can work on my patience, overcome sensitivity, not indulge in self-pity, become the mother to myself I would have liked to have or long for now, etc...

I think it is empowering to see what you CAN change. It's also good to be in touch with the feelings within yourself that have been taboo. That's pretty much what we do on this site.

I hope everyone finds the magical moment of joy this time of year. No matter how grumpy and resentful I get about this and that, (I can't afford this, my mother's attitude sucks, etc) once I get past all this stuff, I find myself in a loving and giving place. I shall be joyous and loving within, no matter what!

We are indestructible spiritually rich angels! :)

PS: A saint is a sinner who never gave up.

Just ran across this video. I know the link may not stay up, but maybe a few can see it. You have to watch it through to see why it is relevant to caregiving. It is a wonderful thought for Christmas.

madworldnews/homeless-man-100-bought/

thank you so much Cinderella, you made my day & maybe a few more too!

This year, my mood is more equanimous (word of the day! lol) and optimistic than last year. After a lot of drama, things have settled, so I'm appreciating the calm.
I'm married, no kids, and bare minimum contact w/brother and mother w/dementia. Husband's family is across the country--I love to visit them, but that won't happen until March 2015 probably. He did a lot of decorating w/lights outside this year, but yesterday we were planning on finally getting a tree, and it didn't happen! I'm not disappointed though. Que sera sera :) We pulled out our supply of Christmas decor and our small house is now Christmas-ified.

I'm watching some Classic Christmas movies, enjoying nature, and am getting a head start, thinking about 2015 resolutions.

I'm completely ignoring the mall, car commercials (are they NUTS??? Who gets a new car with a big BOW on it, in their driveway, on Christmas anyway??), and anything that triggers too much cynicism.

NJCinderella I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you from us all ♥

Blessings to all of you. I too have some sadness (I miss my sister and my mom), but so much of it is a certain "longing" around this time of year. Some songs, or movies are especially touching and bring tears. I think some of it is just feelings that conjure up nice memories of loved ones gone by. It's not a bad thing, rather something "in the moment". If these feelings did not go away, then I would be concerned. I am a very sensitive person anyway, so it doesn't take much to get me to the emotional state. I'm glad that I'm made this way because if I weren't, then maybe I wouldn't care about things as much. I am very blessed with my family and friends, and pray every day for my family, friends, elderly, homeless, sick, and especially for those serving in the military. I think that whatever my circumstances are, it could be much worse. I try to go with that thought each day. Happy holidays (Merry Christmas, Happy Hunnakah (sp?) Kwanza, and more) to all of you.

oh yes...can relate to your sadness. It hit me hard right before Thanksgiving. I was so blue I was nearly in tears at work, at lunch. Its hard hearing about everyone's holiday plans, all their families gathering etc while its just me and my elderly parents, and one with middle stage Alzheimer's at that so she just sits there repeating and not knowing what is going on. Its just another groundhog day.

Then, for some reason, I had a spark. I realized I was "burying" my mother before she is actually gone. I know she is not the same person and will never e again but physically she is still with us. So, I decided to celebrate what is left of our family. It really helped to shift my mood.

I never envisioned this future. I thought my grown kids would live in state, I'd be surrounded by grandchildren and perhaps a new husband along with his extended family. Shades of Brady Bunch LOL well this is the life I have and its not that!

Instead of trying to wear myself out, I decided bakery cookies will suffice. My mother is a diabetic anyway so best not to have so many sweets around. I'll make a special holiday bread (or maybe not). We're not fussing for dinner either. In fact, we're doing a southern type of bbq with ribs, corn pudding, sweet potatoes etc For a holiday effect, I'll throw in some cranberry sauce too. Its not about being exhausted and cooking all day anymore. When we look back, its really the memories of people isn't it?

Don't let the feeling of duty and obligation weigh you down. As for presents, well i noticed my mom's purse was fraying so I got her a new one. She won't remember the old one and won't remember I got her a new one but I know.

Life goes on, January will come. My next bummer holiday is Valentine's but after that its smooth sailing until...oh yea Easter...we live in a world full of holidays, peopel with families, loving spouses etc. and those of us who don't have that have to find some way to cope--or just sip more eggnog.

We all seem to have so much in common one way or another. My mother has been in he NH for more than two years, pretty much bed ridden now and mostly out of it. The NH is family owned and operated. The staff are wonderful, some having been there 40 years. I visit twice a week to make sure my mother has all she needs and each time I notice how much all the residents have deteriorated due to advanced age and physical/mental issues.. There's a lot more screaming, yelling and fighting with the nurses now as mental faculties diminish or totally disappear. Witnessing first hand the decline in the residents has made me bound and determined to do what I please when I please so long as I don' hurt anyone else. It really makes you value each and every day.

Wherever you are and whatever your circumstances I hope you can each find a little something special over Christmas, even just a little me time to sip a glass of wine, eat favourite treats in peace and quiet. Come the morning of Boxing day I'll wish my dad happy birthday even though he's been gone so many years. He was so special and I know he's never very far away. He's been gone 15 years but I always get so sad at this time of year, remembering times spent with him...

Jessie, I too had the flu that had gone into pneumonia about 30 years ago. It was terrible at the time but got through all of the traditional hubbub of cookie making, holiday programs for three kids and all that goes along with it. As awful as that year was it brings pleasant memories of an intact family and the joy of having young children.

Christmas Day that year I was so terribly sick I could not get out of bed, my kids thought I was a goner and gave me their Christmas gifts early. I remember crawling down the hall to give my two youngest a bath because they were screaming at their Dad, "Mommy doesn't do it that way, you're not doing it right!". And my dear sweet mother wanting to come to help me get stronger and better. Refused he, she was always a hoverer when someone was sick. Still is. I would get more rest without her.

And the talk my now ex and I had about waiting until I felt better to celebrate the holiday. " Not on your life" I said. We wouldn't disappoint the children that way. This was the year my oldest, then 8, got skiis for Christmas and the year that the Christmas tree just would not stand up straight. Ended up having to lean it into a corner to keep it upright. The problem with skiis for Christmas is they cannot go under the tree. Do you see it coming yet? Well, skiis also need to be leaned into a corner. I am on my Death bed or at least it sure felt like it. My hubby down with kids opening presents. The squeals of joy each time another item was opened are wonderful memories. Even the screams of horror and dismay when all three kids are buried underneath the Christmas tree when hubby attempted to retreive the skiis leaning in the same corner as the tree. And the profanities from him while trying so hard to make his children happy. And I in bed with a collapsed lung trying so hard not to laugh because it hurt so much. All a very pleasant memory now, of times when things were so perfect.

This year really is the worst for me ever. Dysfunctional family, kids grown with their own plans. Thanks Jessie for starting this thread, has me reminiscing about happier times. And realizing that I do have blessings to be grateful for.

I too am single, no kids. Seems to be a common theme on here. Altogether our family is pretty small, just my sis and her 3 boys, my brother is gone and though friendly with SIL and her kids we don't see them very much anymore. It used to be up to me to put on the christmas dinner and get everybody together at my sister's place, but now I don't even try any more. Mom and I only live about an hour from everyone else, but you would think it was up in the arctic for all the complaining about how far they would have to drive. Christmas to me used to be all about the magic of the christmas eve church service and a house full of family. I can't go to church 'cause there's no one to be with mom, and mom and I will be on our own just like every other day. I won't even get my weekly respite since that is always on a Thursday. Makes it kind of hard to be joyful.

Hope you're feeling better soon, Linda. I had the flu once and never want it again. It is awful.

I'm right there with you. I'm single with no kids -- everyone I know is planning joyous holidays and has family to spend it with. I hate the holidays ever since my father passed and this year, with my mother rapidly declining, is worst of all. I try to stay upbeat for her sake, but it is so hard. I guess it doesn't help that my health has been bad this year too -- and to top it off I caught the dayum flu on Thursday! I can't wait for this year to be over... I keep telling myself next year has GOT to get better. :/

My father's birthday was Boxing day and we always did Christmas then. Since he passed 15 years ago it has just been a time to get past. My mother, 88, is in a NH (PD, strokes and dementia) and is pretty much out of it There is no other family and I don't know anyone out here much yet.

I love the traditional Christmas things but loathe the consumerism. The weekly flyers this week were full of boxing week sales and we haven't even got to Christmas yet ... stop it! A couple of days ago I took my dogs to the dog park and picked up groceries on the way back. Everywhere was packed, even the supermarket in a nearby small town ... madness ... and I'm not going out for the next week.

No decorations or tree as I just can't get in the mood and one of my cats is at the half grown kitten devil stage. I'll make a nice meal, eat a little too much, pour some wine and watch old movies by the fire with my critters ... a quiet country Christmas.

Starting to rebuild my life, in the new year I'm volunteering in the physio department of the local small hospital and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll also be volunteering for a dog rescue I support and attending bi-weekly small business owners lunch meetings I had to give up four years ago. On close to two acres, raised veggie beds and a greenhouse are ready to go. In all I'm really looking forward to the year ahead.

Wherever you are, dog bless you all ♥

Yes, it is sad to see your loved one slowly disappear into a shell and your best friend dying a little every day. I am trying to make each day count because I do not think I will have another Christmas with my husband due to the newly diagnosed lung cancer + dementia. For our 30 yr. marriage, he was a Grinch at Christmas, while I have always loved Christmas having started my teenage working career in retail. My first job was wrapping Christmas presents, and I loved all the decorations in and around the store. But, this Christmas I told him he had better not make this a 31st bad Christmas. He actually wanted me to put up lights and a Christmas tree. We are living on borrowed time, but the little things I complained about three weeks ago (leaving the lights on, water running, etc.) do not matter anymore because I know he can't remember those things and so it cost a cent. My solution was to get solar! I see the widows on my street not decorate for Christmas and I don't want to be one of them. Yesterday my neighbor across the street called to say she opens her curtains just to look at my lights. That was so uplifting! There is no way in the world anyone can sustain being "happy" and bubbly all the time. We all need this "down" time to reflect upon our own feelings about life and self, and begin to see what changes we can make for the coming new year. So my fellow writers, I will be having down time from this site to give my brain time to re-energize my body, soul and spirit. I now have a green Kia Soul and it is so much fun to drive that I sing whenever I am in it. Singing is good. Crying is good - it releases toxins through tears and it feels good! So just have a Christmas suited to your situation, and do not worry about everyone else's. You are never really "alone", you have yourself. And when you feel lonely, go volunteer. Helping others is probably the best thing you can do for yourself and it cost nothing but your time. God Bless you all!

And I hate the holidays. Dec 26 is my favorite day.

I don't feel sad, just anxious and alone. I have virtually no family. DD lives 900 miles away and is involved in her life. Sis lives a mile from me and won't talk to me. DH has dementia and so does Mom in the NH. I have a cousin who I speak to from time to time. Some people from church invited us over. Sis invites half the county and the next county to her house for the holidays, but not me. When you drive by her house you see cars lined up and down her lane and in the pasture too. But not me.