Is anyone else feeling sad this Christmas?

Very. I'm right there with you. I did get our tree up last weekend, and my brother did us a favor and put outdoor lights up (or they wouldn't be up, trust me), and I've set out a few little decorative touches, but I just can't get into the true spirit of Christmas this year. I'm usually excited and happy at this time of year, but I just can't get there. I don't know if it's the stress of living with and caring for Mom, and all that comes with it, or just what it is. I haven't made any special Christmas treats at all, and don't even feel like doing that. I'll try to do some this weekend, I guess. I'm supposed to go visit my grandkids and have a little Christmas celebration with them on Sunday, and I'll try to enjoy that, but I know I'll be worried about Mom the whole time. I have someone checking on her a couple of times while I'm gone, but I know I'll come home to her needing care. I'm starting to think it's just that I'm constantly giving, giving, giving - I host the family Christmas party every year at great expense, buy gifts for my kids and grandkids and for Mom, but no one seems interested in even giving me the gift of time - offering to come and take mom out for a ride, or take her for the day, or stay with her for the day so I can go somewhere. I can get them to check on her, but not to stay and make sure she's ok for the whole day, which is *really* what I need. I have had to finally break down and contact a local care agency so we can hire respite care for when I am gone for more than a day, because no one else will make the sacrifice to stay with mom like I do, day in and day out. And because no one is going to offer to help to pay that respite caregiver, that falls on my shoulders too - I'm sure they see it as my responsibility, since I'm the one leaving for a few days, but it would be a nice gift if they would help with that, no?

I feel like the house is overwhelmingly cluttered and dirty (it's really not, but I feel like it is), and that's not helping. I want to cook, bake, etc - but having 3 days worth of dishes in the sink because I haven't had time to wash them is preventing that. Working 60+ hours a week and caring for an elderly loved one can do that to you. So before I can even get to the "fun" part of baking and cooking, I have to hand-wash all those dishes. Our family party was 10 days ago, and I still have totes sitting around waiting to be put away. I had a burst of energy for ONE DAY and managed to get some things done, but then it was right back to no time, no energy, no desire to do it.

Ugh. I'm sorry Jess, that was just depressing. I guess I'm just trying to say I understand and can commiserate. I hope we can both find some happiness and joy this season. I'm going to try to kick my butt out of the doldrums (again!) this weekend and do some present wrapping and baking, so I can enjoy my time with the g'kids Sunday. I wish we lived closer to each other - we could help each other out and have a cookie baking marathon. LOL

I meant to add in there that I realize every Christmas could be Mom's last, and I try desperately to make it nice for her, but this year, I'm just struggling. Hopefully this weekend, I can try to improve on that.

How do you know it's not depression? I would speak to your doctor just to make sure there isn't something you need treatment for. I know that medication works for some people.

If it's not depression and it is being sad, then I do empathize with you. It's a lot to care for a loved one with dementia. It's the most challenging thing I think I've ever seen. Have you thought about getting some help in caring for your mom? Sometimes getting out from under the stress and pressure, even for a short break can you give you a fresh start. There is advice here for respite help.

My loved one is living in a Memory Care unit, but I do feel sad for her. Especially, when I think of the things she might be doing if she didn't have dementia. I attended their Christmas party this week and noticed that many of the residents still enjoyed the traditional Christmas songs. Some even knew most of the words! They laughed at the dancing and jokes from Santa too. They seemed to love the treats Santa brought. I'm not sure what they were thinking, but it seemed like a happy time. I know it was a blessing to me. Somehow it took away the sadness of seeing her condition. She was laughing and very excited over the necklace I gave her that had Christmas ornaments that lit up. She was also thrilled over the stuffed reindeer and elf I gave her. It's little things like that that can make Christmas time special to me.

Giving to others has always brought me pleasure. Maybe by giving back, you can get some as well. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if money is not tight, giving to a charity or soup kitchen is always appreciated. It would truly brighten someones day to get a little unexpected cash or food coupon.

You are doing the right thing by coming here. There are so many great people who can support you and help you see things more clearly. And if you need more, there are hot lines to call. I hope you find some happiness this Christmas. Take care.

Sunnygirl1 - thanks - Jessiebelle and I have both been on this forum quite some time now, so we're not new to it or to the caregiving game. I think we both just needed to kind of sound off and put that sadness out there to get it out of our systems....and I'm hoping it helps.

Oh I feel sad off and on. Luckily I have another single/never married/no kids friend and we call each other every couple of days (since Thanksgiving) just to vent to each other. It's so helpful to have one other person to vent with and know that you're not alone.

My mom is getting Christmas letters (that I foolishly read) from relatives and acquaintances about "we went here and we went there and then we did this with this part of the family and that with that part of the family oh and we took this fabulous vacation here and we have 20 people coming for our holiday feast." I told my mom if I wrote a Christmas letter, it would read, "I played pickleball and took care of my mom." Of course there are a few more things in my year, but no trips, no fabulous get-togethers with kids and grandkids or hubby's family. No future plans either.

I've been out of commission for the past week with a horrible tooth abscess. I had it pulled on Tuesday. My mom can't remember any of that. I went this morning to shower her and she said she was too tired. I left and felt like walking away for a week. It just felt like too much. I had to use all of MY strength just to make myself go over there to help her and then she said no. I feel better now, but it really set me back.

So you are NOT alone. I will be VERY happy when it's January 2nd. This happens every year, but at least I am aware of it and have developed ways to cope (my friend being one). Hugs to all of us who are feeling down during this "joyous" time.

Are you sleeping ok Jess? I get very whiny and cry with no sleep and the world feels like it's ending.
I too will be glad when it's Jan 2nd. I don't feel sad nor happy. Lately I just feel nothing but numbness. There's a gorgeous tree 5 feet from her chair and I don't think she even notices it. Bought her a popcorn tin... that will be about it, oh and a lightweight transfer chair. Not cooking either. Why spend a fortune on stuff that she won't enjoy? I will order a Papa Murphy's Take N Bake. She loves pizza and if she's happy with it, so am I.

Don't you just love those energy spurts Susan? Haha... takes ages to recover from ONE day of energy.

I'm sorry that many of us are in the same sad boat. I spent the afternoon playing games with some friends. They were so energizing that I wish I could have brought them home with me. That might not be a bad idea. The house is a bit like a morgue with a TV blaring in the middle of it.

blannie, I felt better just reading that you got that bad tooth out. There's little worse than an abscessed tooth. It brought back painful memories of the one I had. It hurt so bad that I spent the first night in the bathroom lying on the floor, throwing up with the pain. What a relief the antibiotics and endodontist were!

Sunny, it isn't clinical depression. I did think about this. I think what many of us go through is situational depression. We see others doing things like going to parties and getting married. Everyone seems so happy. Then we come home to a place that is barren of the things that people need to refresh their spirits. I think it takes an exceptional person not to be sad about it. I do envy the people who have good spouses to support them. It is hard to be alone going through this.

Forgot to answer your question, Jeanette. I think I'm sleeping fine. I have gotten into a bad habit of laying down after dinner and taking a nap. Then I wake up feeling awful. I have to quit doing that. It's dark early now, so I don't really want to go outside. Maybe I need to start an exercise program inside to keep me from napping. The nap isn't a bad thing, but feeling bad after it is -- not a power nap at all.

I'm that way too, JessieBelle - I can't sleep during the day unless I'm extremely sick. If I do, I wake up feeling horrible and have a terrible headache.

I'm more sad this year too. My mom and brother's are dead. My dad is 85 and has dementia. He lives 90 minutes away so my ex sister in law is living with him. He doesn't like her, doesn't trust her but she was willing to help him 2 years ago when he needed someone to be there. She has her problems, I worry about dad, I'm homeschooling a 16 yr old with mild autism. My daughter, son in law and grandbaby are in 6 hours away and this will be the 2nd Christmas where she hasn't been here. The baby just turned 1 so last year he was only a month old and of course too young to come. So...it's hard. I feel guilty because I want all this to be over with and I want peace in my life, while I can still enjoy it. So..sad, yes. Plus finances are tight and that makes buying presents more of a worry that a joy.

I tend to get my depressions some time in Sept/October up to December. I definitely remember the past 2 years on this site, I struggled in commenting on the different discussion threads in Nov/Dec. Maybe because there's so many holidays that I see all these people get holidays, go to special lunches/dinners, parties and just enjoying life to the full. While I stay home and do my shift of caregiving.

I figured I need to start exercising and get more sleep (currently on 5 1/2 hours sleep). Find a great funny book or maybe just watch a funny YouTube videos until I lighten up a bit.

For me being a caregiver around the holidays was very stressful. Worrying about how mom was going to handle the day and the night when everyone left cause she was on overload. Some days I would have liked someone to come over and be on duty so I could spend the day sleeping. Nothing worse then being overwhelmed, tired, not as ready for holidays as we would like and a bunch of people coming over all dressed up and being happy and jolly. The only thing that would get me through the day is that i was doing it for my mom. This will be the first christmas without my dear, sweet mom and now that is a whole other story. I will pray for some peace and happiness for all of you.

Jessiebell, I can't imagine doing what you're doing alone. I just can't. I was the sole care giver for my cousin for just a few weeks, until I could get her into a facility. I run my own business and there is no way I could stay in her house and care for her. Besides, I couldn't control her. It would not have been safe.

But even being in a facility, it takes lots of time and energy. She's had numerous health issues, doctor appointments, etc. I can't imagine handling all of that by myself.

Do you ever lye awake and think of options? I do. There are none for me, because my cousin named me as her DPOA and HCPOA and she has no living family or friend who will do anything except for me. I just figure this must have meant to be a lesson I learn in life. Granted, I have learned so much from my experiences, but sometimes it is overwhelming. It's like my life is not my own anymore.

Something my cousin's roommate said to me the other day did make me smile. I took some gifts to the Memory Care facility where my cousin stays for her to give to some staff members and her roommate. Her roommate also has dementia. Physically, she seems fine, but there are definite issues. Although, I allowed my cousin to present the roommate the gift, she saw it was me who brought it in. She thanked me profusely, told me I was such a kind person and that if she could ever do anything for me, just let her know. I smiled. So sweet.

My mom's been gone for 7 years and my dad's been gone over a year and I miss them so much. I keep remembering the holidays we had when I was growing up and they're such wonderful memories. And while the memory of caring for my dad is very fresh in my mind I still miss him like crazy.

I don't have a big family, just my brother and his family and me and my daughter. My daughter is going to spend Christmas with her dad's family and when I talked to my brother about me going over there for Christmas he gave some weird story about how his FIL is going to be there and will be anxious about whether he should buy me a gift or not. I barely know his FIL and it sounded like a made up story but the gist is that I'm not invited to my brother's house for Christmas. This hurt me terribly. So I'm going to work on Christmas instead.

But like several of you, I too am depressed right now. More depressed than I care to let on to anyone. I feel like a loser who has nowhere to go on Christmas. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up Jan. 2nd.

Oh Eyerishlass here's a big hug from one "loser" (as you define it) to another, LOL. I really have no where to go and I'm OK with that. I have been saving shows on my DVR to watch. I may or may not go over to mom's for a short time, but since it's just the two of us, that's pretty depressing by itself. She doesn't care about holidays any more and I've already given her what I got her.

We should have a virtual party on this site on Christmas day! No explanations required, just lots of good cheer and camaraderie from one caregiver to another. I'll bring the Diet Pepsi and Reeses' peanut butter cups. WOOHOO!

Sounds like a good plan to me, Blannie!

Wish you could all come here. (sniff)

Keep it simple and reduce your list of "shoulds". Be loving towards yourself and others.

Jessebelle,in order to come there, I'd have to bring my mother ;) hehe, careful what you wish for!!

Although this thread is somewhat depressing, I really wish I had found you all while my mom was still alive!! You all are really such a caring, loving group of people .

I know how you feel. I just placed my dad in a temporary rehab facility yesterday (he became immobile after getting a bad infection, although he was independent before) and it's just me and my mom this Christmas. I have no siblings. My mother is 90 and has some dementia, although she has her lucid moments. Anyway, I did minimal decorating and we're not going to exchange gifts this year. I've been living with my folks for the past four years as a caregiver and it feels strange not to have my dad at home. All I want for Christmas is to see my dad get better. But I feel very sad, very alone this Christmas and it's been hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

Jeanette, I just thought about putting your mother and mine together. They are polar opposites, so would probably stress each other to the max. "Why's she sitting in my chair," your mother would say. "Does she ever move?"

My mother would say, "I wish she'd sit down. She's making me nervous. I need another one of those pills," motioning toward her Ativan bottle.

Charlie, what kind of infection does your father have? Do they think he'll get his mobility back when it clears. Good thoughts coming your way this Christmas season. I hope you'll be able to spend time at rehab with your dad.

Hi Jessie, Hey girlie I know how you feel. I am crying on and off all day long. Today I have to ready to go home to see my husband and family. It is a big job getting Mom ready to go, but I am going to make this the best year I can for her. Her birthday is Christmas Eve, so I'm going to have a party for her. Don't think any of my siblings will be there as they hate me right now. But my husband will do his best to help everything good. I just have to know God is beside me and will help me keep it together. Just know there are all of us praying or you. So cheer up and get those cookies made.

brinoz, it sounds like you have a tough, stressful week ahead. I hope it turns into the most enriching one of your life. Big hugs, sister caregiver.

A big virtual hug to all of you today! I went over and got my mom showered (she refused two days ago, which ruined my morning), so I'm feeling OK today. I'm deep in the 'cleaning out the old' mode, looking forward to the new year. So hang on...this too (the holiday season) shall pass! And we have each other - WOOHOO!

Jessie belle you are so not alone even though you feel it. How can we not feel alone. With all the hype to be of good cheer. Like you the past year was horrendous. Mom's Parkinson's dementia advanced and I did bot handle that we'll. My major surgery in March became more about her than me and exacerbated her dementia. Gave my boyfriend his walking papers. The long distance relationship couldn't survive. I'm sure he's relieved that I did it so he didn't run the risk of "hurting" me. It would have been 10 years this December so it makes this Christmas even more bittersweet. My friends here are all married. I almost bailed out of an Xmas party because I'm tired of being the odd number. I went and a pleasant enough time but I won't make a habit of doing it again. Too glaring. Making the holidays as pleasant as can be since it's just me and mom. No baking or big dinner productions. Lots of Turner Classic, Hallmark and eating easy stuff. One good thing that came at the end of this year is more in home care. I couldn't do it alone anymore. Don't know how long it can last because it costs a fortune and long term care only pays so much a day but baby steps. Merry Christmas to all of you at Aging Care. God Bless us Everyone!

steviegirl, big hugs coming your way. I hate being the odd one, too. Maybe we can ask Santa to bring us a friend. Or many.

A little sad off and on, but not my main mode. My girlfriend of over 45 years was killed last year just before Christmas and I am thinking of her. But mainly I am grateful for her friendship all those years, This year my ex mil who is a real sweetie and we have been friends for years has just ended up in hospital due to long standing heart problems and will be placed in LTC. I am wondering how long she will last and want to get down there and see her - probably between Christmas and New Year. I always miss my Gordie at Christmas and everyday. Even in his 20s he loved his stocking. But, you know that is life - and death.

Had a great long distance chat with my eldest son last night who mentioned "first world" problems and that pretty well all of his problems are those. I have to say most of mine are too. I can eat, I have shelter, I am not in danger of being shot at, or catching Ebola. I have reasonable health, mother is being treated, and will be moved to a new facility where I trust they can manage her. A friend's mother said all her friends either had lost their minds or died. It happens to all of us one way or another, one time or another.

Christmas Eve I will have dinner will my daughter and grandkids. I will be alone on Christmas Day as G visits his kids and grandkids and they don't want me there, and that's OK. I am still thankful for him and that he has them to visit. The following week G and I will do our holiday thing.

I try to keep my focus on the reason for the season, count my blessings and be thankful.

yes I do but that's normal for me. I sure hope when you went out it helped you. I cannot stand how I feel nw im to the point where I actually ahyve to push myself and take pills just for me to get up and dress to look decent then I feel so much energy to do that for me I sit and just stare into space no matter what needs to be done horrible and here Im suppose to continue taking care,of mother ben doing it now for 14 years and im 100 percent lost hope you feel better have good day god bless sandyy22

I feel extremely sad and lonely, husband is 83 with AD, and I just do not have the get up and go this Christmas, I put one tree up as I had a great idea to do a Memory Tree for him, I was very lucky to win a gold 60 year old aluminum tree on eBay, in great condition, it has taken me since before thanksgiving to finish it, but he ( we) love it, has all his favorite US Navy things on it, photos of his family who have all passed on, Mom, Dad, Sisters, framed military pictures. but that's it, I have put no decorations outside, nor the 2 nd tree up in the foyer, just not in the spirit or the mood. I went out on my upper back deck last night hoping the lights on the houses would help to give me a bit of "spirit", there were none, nada, no one had decorated this year, is it really us, or is everyone feeling this? Has the Grinch (Aka ALZHEIMERS) really stolen Christmas this year.