Feeling overwhelmed by parents demands. What do you do in a situation like this?

A 42 day cruise on Holland America in an inside cabin “ultimate Viking explorer and passage” is a base fare of $16,828 for two doing everything as cheapest as possible. And that doesn’t include airfare!!!
https://www.hollandamerica.com/en_US/find-a-cruise/E4T42A/U440A.summary.html

My dear, anyone who has $25,000++ for a 60 day European cruise is not short of cash or has money problems and if they do, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Do not ever give them one penny of your money.

Wait ....wait....they are on a "two month European cruise" yet say "they say they have no money"... and they can say it with a straight face?!?!?
You say "they’ve already moved into the independent living place so other people can step in and take care of my dad for her".

So, they HAVE the financial means, they are just trying to make you feel guilty. Your mother has DECIDED NOT to take on the fulltime responsibility of taking care of your dad but expects YOU to do so? And they were not there at your most critical time of need?

There is absolutely NOTHING selfish about taking care of yourself and your needs. Your parents had all their lives to do just that, and apparently have the financial means to do extensive traveling (something that many seniors who really do NOT have money can't do).

Do NOT fall for their guilt tripping and sense of entitlement. I have been there and done all this with my mother- falling for her 'poor me' 'there is no one else in the world for me' 'I am so financially strapped' 'you are my daughter - who else will help me?' spiels. (And like your parents, she was NEVER there for me - emotionally or financially - whether it was as a child who was bullied, or as a teen who got pregnant (and lost the baby), she did NOT help me financially when I was struggling (and even once when I homeless living in my car), NEVER was there nor helped me when I needed help after surgeries (didn't even visit me in the hospitals) ---- (and I have had quite a few surgeries in my nearly 70 years) YET, she wanted me to be there for HER every single time when SHE needed help.

The woman lived to 95 - and I did talk myself into being there for her starting at about when she was 75 (since I am the only child and there was/is no other family/relatives). I didn't set firm boundaries - guilt and feelings of obligation and responsibility always overruled. And she did not appreciate the sacrifices I made for her care - in fact she always made fun of me by saying 'there are no sacrifices you make for me - I made them all for you -I gave birth to you'. Can't tell you how many jobs I had to quit or change to accommodate her needs; give up my plans for a few days away so the $ could help her; how many middle of the night drives to the hospitals.

And her last few weeks/days on this earth, she reminded me that 'nobody cares for me, no one has taken the time to care about me' - and I won't go into all the details of ALL that I DID do to care for her - not enough room to post all that, let alone my spending 12-16 hours a day in the hospital with her - being her advocate etc. She never appreciated what I did for her - 20 years worth of doing and still it wasn't ever enough or good enough.

When she passed away, I had SUCH a huge sense of relief of having a burden lifted from me. And I have to honestly say, because of her 'poor me' selfish, narcisstic, entitled attitude and outlook, I ended up not only resenting her, but actually hating her. Towards the last days of her life, I wasn't able to feel anything anymore - I was so friggin wore out. When she passed, I didn't and haven't shed a single tear, and 2 years later still haven't missed her a single moment. That is what caring for a selfish and ungrateful person does. And now, at the age of nearly 70, I finally get to start living my life - but now medical conditions are preventing me doing so. And I look back at all that time I spent making sure SHE had everything she wanted and needed and she was taken care of - and I am so very sad for the life I missed out on and cannot pursue anymore.

Hopefully, working with a therapist will give you the inner strength to feel empowered to believe you deserve to have a quality life of your own ... whereby you decide what YOU want to do and how YOU want to live.


Since you feel beat down - and I understand this - I would suggest that you 'stay away' from the automatic TRIGGERS which continue to gnaw at your self-worth, self-esteem, self-image, self-care --- which is being around your parents in ANY capacity.


Step back.


Tell them that you are stepping back and that you are unavailable 'under further notice.' You need to build yourself up first so you can confidentially interact with them --- and feel like an individual empowered person, independent from them.

You need to allow them to manage and deal with their own life, their own expenses / finances / care needs.

It won't be easy for you to do this as you are conditioned to be at their 'beg and call,' and perhaps this is a very life-long pattern between you and your parents.


You have to cut the umbilical cord. They will not; they will continue to use you / your energy and resources (financial or otherwise) until you say NO.


Take a long sabbatical from them ... somewhat like the cruise(s) they take... except you will be home ... learning how to become your self.


Find/ develop support systems wherever you can. You cannot get enough 'healthy' support from people that will encourage you to love yourself and find out who you are inside, one step, one thought, one action at a time.


Gena / Touch Matters

I have same situation. Selfish neglectful mother is now in assisted living near me. She is 91 and went blind. Im 56.
So i am using several things to guide me. 1. The airlines say put your mask on before helping others. So, my home, me and my world come first.
2. Do unto others - well i hope if i were old and blind someone would help me. So, After following rule#1, i see what time i have left for visiting. I use her own funds to have a local college girl hang with her four hours, three days per week. I ensure the facility showers her, she has clean clothes, drinks, diapers etc. i coordinate family visits so she gets a visitor of some kind sat/sun even if only for an hour.
3. I make sure i am being the person i want to be. I dont want regrets later,. While i will help, i can guarantee that this demanding entitled mother of mine will have disappointments, due to the lack of good deed seeds she has sown.

My mother chose herself over her kids my entire life. She is beyond blessed that I am giving her more time and energy than she gave me. I try to stay focused on that truth. I hope this helps you gain clarity.

Some really great advice in this thread. And it's timely for me too b/c I have a mother and an aunt who 100% seriously expect me to give them everything I have, from a time, mental energy & financial resources perspective. They see my home based business as my having free time to cater to them, just one example out of many.

Recently my aunt *screamed* at me, I mean really screaming, to the effect that I'm not doing enough for them. It really threw me for a loop for a time but actually I think she did me a favor in that I was forced to step back and assess how to move forward in light of such unreasonable behavior. (Yes I do need to start seeing a therapist and have plans to line one up one soon.)

People who don't have personality disordered folks in their lives don't understand that simply moving away sometimes doesn't work. I moved halfway across the country and my mother picked up stakes and followed me. Yes I am 100% serious. You can't stop people from living where they want and it's not so easy to disabuse a narcissist of the idea that children are their property like a car or a house. So at some point the kids have to learn how to defend mental health and other resources.

My own plan is to make myself a lot less available. I'll be around for emergencies such as someone needing care in the hospital, but other than that they're going to have to start looking for other resources.

Just a couple of examples: My mother tends to suck me into the volunteer work she loves because it's a great source of narcissistic supply (pets and praise for doing the work nobody else wants to do, for free or well under market rates. We won't get into the fact that mother now has no savings and is going to have to sell her house which is a whole nother post on its own.) Both mom and aunt also see entertainment as something I owe them: the aunt is confined to home mostly, they're bored and lonely, and I do sympathize - but I also can't spend 90 minutes apiece on the phone with them every day.

One great point I saw reiterated below: Consider what they'd do if you died or were incapacitated yourself. I have a big family and there are plenty of other people who can chat on the phone or come by for a visit to keep them company. I'm not the only person who can provide these resources and my taking a step back will require other people to step up.

Mom also doesn't want to discuss what's going to happen when she needs more intensive nursing care later and doesn't have the money to pay for it. I'm sure she'll make a poor decision once she sells her current home, whether that's tying up her money in another home so there's no money for care or renting a place and then giving money to my personality disordered sibling (another whole post), but I'm going to contact an elder coordinator soon to find out what resources are available in our area. I'm not going to sacrifice spouse's/my futures to make up for her choice to retire from a lucrative career at 52 in order to do volunteer work, and since we can't have a conversation about much of anything serious without her resorting to FOG I've realized I'm going to have to be proactive myself in order not to be taken advantage of.

And lastly, all of this is SO hard. Please keep posting here - some of us do really understand, we've been where you are, and in my case I pretty much am where you are! I don't think you'll be able to talk reason into your parents about their expectations or luxury spending, so please consider finding ways to make yourself more unavailable such that you're a harder target for their shenanigans.

Write or type them a letter. Hold back nothing. Communicate your physical and financial boundaries as well by saying NO MORE! Make sure it’s waiting for them when they get back. If they have funds for a cruise and can physically get around and back, then they have funds for their future care and still have the knowledge to start planning it. Drop off some information about local nursing homes and information on how to apply for Medicaid-through Social Services. You are a good and kind person and are being completely taken advantage of. I would cut off communication with them for awhile/until the reality sets in. Don’t be available to help them with anything. See what they will do for themselves. Stay in counseling to help you keep your boundaries. I know that you love them, but they are acting selfish.

Firstly you are not selfish. You are a caring, kind person or you wouldn't even be asking these questions. You can tell your parents no and you can limit or stop your time with them. You deserve to be happy and feel safe. You deserve to live your life exactly the way you want to. If that means living away from your parents or living completely without them that's ok. You do not have to be a prisoner to your parents. You are still a good, kind and caring person if you say no or if you limit your time with them or if you cut them off completely. You deserve to do what is best for you.
My sister completely cut my mom off shortly after my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to her spine and brain. The removal of the spinal tumor left her disabled to the point she cannot stand, walk, wipe, shower, etc. My sister did what she had to do to feel safe and be ok. Nobody else has to understand it or approve of it. She is living her life for herself not for my mother. You are living your life for you. It is yours. Make the choices that are right for you. People will always have opinions no matter what you do. There is no right or perfect answer. It's ok to honor yourself and your wants and needs.

I would very politely remind them that actions have consequences. Them kicking you out of the house at 16 is a prime example of that. They are making bad decisions with their income and with that, there are consequences. They can't be too strapped if they can afford a European cruise. I know it is not going to be easy, but you need to say to them that you have no intentions of supporting them after they have blown through their money. Tell them they can live any way they want, but not at your expense. Explain that when they are out of funds, they will need to apply for Medicaid.

When do your parents return from their latest cruise?

That is when you are going to have to put the pedal to the metal so to speak in terms of enforcing your boundaries. Will you be able to stay uninvolved?

May I quickly address the elephant in the room? Your parents will probably, like most of our parents here, proceed into a time of very poor health that will require MUCH more than an independent living situation—unless you do backflips to keep them there, by taking care of all the things an AL would do for them. AL is much more expensive. And an AL facility does not do “everything “—they only assist. I was surprised at how much of my involvement has still been necessary with an AL facility.

So they will run out of money. And then they go to a medicaid pay. Maybe. When people “run out of money”, they do not necessarily qualify for a medicaid bed in an AL. If their health is moderately ok, they are sent to section 8 housing.

If they do qualify, you may be one of the fortunate who has a nice medicaid facility nearby, but many places do not.

I don’t know how a Medicaid look-back works if you spent all your money on cruises, but I would certainly check.

As hard as it is to say no now, it will be harder when their health fails. Your parents need to be forced to see an eldercare professional of some kind to give them a reality check. They have their heads in the sand about what their future will be—that it will all just “work out”. It doesn’t work out on its own.

IMO, you need to get involved enough to protect yourself in the future. Find an eldercare attorney and make a plan—for your sake. If they won’t go, consult one for yourself and find out what your options will be in the future.

LSRSsa: Something is majorly amiss with your parents crying the 'poor us, we need care,' all the while taking an expensive-sounding two month European cruise. I am flummoxed by their gall. They are the perfect example of how NOT to plan for their aged years. The idea that you had to move sounds better and better. Maybe you should take a two month cruise to Alaska or better yet - Australia. That is not on you that they failed to plan for their 'early retirement years.'

Just tell them you’re broke!

Manipulative people want to engage. They want to wear you down until you do what they want. Simply repeat the word no to them when they ask something of you. You owe them no explanation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Make it your mantra: “No, I cannot help you.“ “No, I cannot pay for dinner.“ “No, I cannot give/lend money.“ As they ask you in various ways the same question, you repeat the word no. After the second no, turn and walk away or hang up. They’ll get the message. It may take three or four times or it may take 100 times, but they will eventually get the message. Do not engage. You have nothing to feel guilty about. They were not there for you, so why are you obligated to be there for them? It is very liberating being able to say no to someone and you can do it.

The relationships are not working out. Continue to see your counselor. Block your parents' phone number so they stop bothering you, and do not spend any more time with your parents since you own them nothing. They should spend less on vacation and more for their care.

I don’t have time to read all these very good answers—maybe this has been said here already—it was helpful to me to get another professional involved in discussions. Like, executor of your will? Let’s see a lawyer together and talk. Finances? Let’s see a eldercare attorney, or similar, and lay out a plan. The sane professional in the room seemed to cool the ability to be so narcissistic and unrealistic. And undefined, unrealistic expectations were the big issue in my situation. I have always been easily run over by others. It helped to have someone on my team.

But—I feel like moving away would be a good idea, if you are easily drawn in like I am. I spent a lot of time sitting and intentionally considering what I am willing to do, and what I am not—for instance, two doctor appointments a month. Not eight. Sunday at my house twice a month, not every week. (This is MIL, and hubby most often pushes for more. I am trying to stand strong.)

This is a hard situation for you, and you are not alone in it. :(

I understand the boundary struggle. And unfortunately, I also know the assumptions from folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). As one person said, go no contact. Put their phone calls and texts on mute, and read “Stop Walking On Eggshells.” I have a sib who is a narcissist and she made my life a living hell when I was caring for our dad. I went no contact with her after explaining to Dad what was up. I now have my sanity back.

For those of us not wired that way, it is gobsmacking when we read about NPD. Yet it’s a real thing, and not to be discounted.

Put your oxygen mask on first; read the book, talk to your counselor about NPD. If s/he doesn’t have a good understanding of it, find someone who does. Another resource: Dr Ramani, who can be found on MedCircle, and also has a ton of posts on NPD on YouTube (free).

My best to you.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - a Youtube video from Duke University
https://www.dukehealth.org/blog/9-signs-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder

You are in a great period of your life to put retirement plans in place; putting the focus on YOU may cause an earthquake for your parents, but they have earned it through their Karma. Make a to do list for yourself that includes an Elder Law Attorney, a highly recommended financial planner and a realtor to show you homes and investment properties in the locale of your dreams: make YOUR dreams come true. If any thing, your parents have shown you how to retire.

I call Narcissism the "toxic personality" because it ruins so many relationships and damages people's sense of self-worth. You deserve better and you can FaceTime whenever the urge strikes you. Plan your destinations and don't answer your phone (it's just an umbilical cord when the relationship is toxic).

Now is the time to make YOU the main character of your story, so take care and aloha!

My goodness. You sound like Cinderalla with the mean step-sisters... changed to parents. Find your other 'golden' shoe and then you'll find you !

Firstly, congratulations on getting your life together after having a child so young - and so much responsibility. This is a HUGE accomplishment.

* You need to learn what you want to do and DO NOT want to do. Once you know this ... and OWN it, you will be able to express this to your parents.

"I will do xxx"
"I will not do xxx"

They are not used to you asserting yourself. They may be 'mad' or certainly upset.

You are not accustomed to asserting (or knowing) your needs and thus, have not set boundaries (or enough boundaries) with them. It will be or feel weird / dificult / even scary.

While you are in your 50s, having a child young and taking on that responsiblility means you didn't have an opportunity to 'grow up' during those years. Emotionally, you are still 16 (or so ... young). When we stop growing for whatever reasons ... we are still there, emotionally and psychologically. When we are 'ready,' we pick up from where we left off.

While it will be difficult for you to assert yourself, after you learn what you want to do and do not want to do (both comfort and perhaps time, other family commitments, etc. (you DESERVE A LIFE, make room for it ... for 'yourself' in it) ... it will be easier although I believe you need a lot of emotional support.

Find your 'team' - even get a therapist if you can (short term at least to get yourself going).

You must learn to set limits and do what you want / need ... not be dictated to by your parents.

- I realize that their health is / will / continue to decline and this will pull at your heartstrings. You still need 'you' to keep going --- for yourself and whatever you do take on in helping/supporting them (emotionally, not financially).

- You might suggest to them to find volunteers, paid caregivers, or find a social worker to help them find the helpers they need --- or if they cannot, perhaps you will want to d a bit of research and show them their options - so they could follow up.

Take yourself out of the arena of being their punching bag or 'go to' person. That they PRESUME or ASSUME(d) you would take on all this (for them) speaks of how the relationship has been ... by their expectations. You now need to change the music to another station.

It'll be rocky.
They may not want to talk to you.
They may scream or 'act out' however they do (if they do).
Hold your ground; get your emotional troops in line to be there to support you.

The bottom line is that you FIRST need to know what you will do and won't do. It can be a 'fluid' line although you have to really consider your level of involvement. Therapy can help you with guilt - which is a huge ... irritation and will want to dictate what you do (which is what they want you to do).

I realize if you dad's health is declining, this will be hard. The point is, he may need a caregiver for a few hours a day ... or more / different. Be very clear, this is not going to be you (any longer).

You can be clear, set boundaries AND be compassionate and kind. You do not have to be 'mean' and 'anger' (not saying you are or would be) when asserting yourself. You can assure them you love them AND ... then set your boundaries.

Putting this in writing 'in black and white' may help.
It would help YOU to create a chart of the I will do and I won't do ... list so you can see it. It isn't written in stone. You can change it anytime. However, it is a major start to identifying / owning yourself, your inner power, and reinforcing inside you that you deserve a life - your own.

Gena / Touch Matter

I put up with this same manipulative BS from my mother for 17 years. Once I started making it clear I was at the end of my rope she started telling anyone who would listen I stole all her money and “dumped her” in AL. Long story short my oldest sister moved her into her house in another state. That lasted two weeks and latest I heard she is in Senior housing. Took me almost a year to come to terms with how selfish and toxic my mother was/is. I would highly recommend the book Daughter Detox by Peggy Streep. The good news is I’m no longer responsible for my mother and I got my life back! I wish you the best.

If they are well enough to cruise you do not need to be at their beck and call. They can hire help part time to do chores or shopping. Sounds like they have made some poor financial decisions. If they run out of money they can apply for medicaid.

I would set up some strict boundaries and let them know when you will visit. Make the visit short and reduce the amount of visits. Screen the calls and they can leave messages.

Do not let them suck the life out of you.

They treated you horribly and can figure all this out on their own. Live your life and move if it suits you.

Without reading further down the many good comments, I notice you say you and your counselor 'talk about boundaries constantly.' Sorry to sound harsh, but I bet counselor is tired of talking about them and wants you to get a backbone and DO them; set boundaries and stick to them. That is how you 'move away' figuratively if not literally. Forgive me, but I can relate to having had a parent/parents who did not actually support/nurture me then expected total devotion akin to martyrdom. You have likewise been Conditioned so naturally want to 'run away.' Do it figuratively. You are being played if your folks are taking expensive vacations and then 'crying poor'. Without rancor, Just Say No to them, with gentle: "Looks like you have money for vacations, so budget for other things as well because I can only give you moral support, not money. And my time is limited because I have important commitments." Beyond a simple statement, in your own words, you do not owe them explanations; do not 'bargain.' Clarity matters; don't be addicted to the stressful drama. Opt out of the dysfunctional cycle. It takes two to tango as they say; stop dancing with them. You don't need to be angry, or cruel, or spiteful, or vengeful, just live your life; that's what healthy parents want for their children. Do it, even if you have to 'pretend' you got that kind of supportive background and 'launch' into life. All the best for all concerned. Do not accept any guilt tripping; let it roll off your back like a duck! Laugh when it comes your way if you have to, cuz it's absurd to be manipulated like a puppet. Cut the strings. You are not betraying your folks by standing up for yourself, you are Honoring the best in both them and yourself.

Wow- they are master manipulators it sounds like. Have you told them how their treatment of you makes you feel? Maybe it’s time to be honest and set the rules of the relationship. They definitely need boundaries when it comes to your money.

Pick your start date and practice saying “No”. Without an excuse. Just a smooth immediate “No, I won’t be doing ______.” Your counselor has recommended setting boundaries and now is the time to start. In the mirror practice a few typical unreasonable requests and your response. “No.” Don’t substitute solutions, they will just engage in a verbal ping pong tournament.

Good gracious, can I relate!

It's a sad commentary that there are so many of us who have had a lifetime of constraints, restrictions, limits, demands and control laid upon us by our parents, who are now being asked to do for them what they didn't do for us.

You're not selfish to feel beat down. Goodness, you've had no relief from the demands and shabby treatment that your parents have dispensed.

It's actually your mother's duty to her husband to care for him and vice-versa. She is the one who took vows for better or worse /sickness or health etc.

The bright side is that they're already in assisted living. At least they won't be assuming they can move in with you.

Selfish self centered people, that is the bottom line.

Why move, just go no contact with them. Be honest tell them that their demands are too much for you and interacting with them is affecting your mental & physical health.

They do not care how their demands affect you, it is all about them., and that will never change.

If they have money to go to Europe for 2 months, they have money to pay for a person to do everything for them.

Move on, just as your brother did.

Out of sight, out of mind. Distance yourself.

They are gone for two months. If you want to move, do it while they are gone and don't send them your new address.

If you can't do that, change your phone numbers and stop responding to them. If you do speak to them you need to bluntly tell them that they were not there for you and you are not able to be there for them now, financially or otherwise.

Its not selfish. Start looking at it this way "WHAT IF I WASN'T THERE WHERE WOULD THEY BE". Stop ENABLING THEM.

They got themselves into this problem they can get themselves out of their problem. If they didn't go on lavish cruises they would have them money to stay in their place. Its almost like saying I want my cake and eat it too but if you can't afford that cake then you do something else.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUPPORT THEM. Keep your money take care of yourself that is YOUR PRIORITY. You worked hard for what you have its YOURS NOT THEIRS.

I know in some cases we want to support our parents but it isn't that way anymore its our health its our finances not THEIRS. Yes they raised us but they turned us loose now its our time to take care of ourselves not them. You can be there once in a while but not all the time.

My mother and I had that talk already she told me that if I can't take care of her to put her where she can be taken care of. We all have health problems.

Put parameters around what you want to do with your parents. Its all up to what YOU WANT NOT WHAT THEY WANT.

Prayers

Much smaller scale.. but I get the pressure. A work college that cannot seem to work alone was very needy all day. I attempted to stagger our lunches (to avoid for 1 hour!) but nope! Attached to me like a third arm.
Pressure to help. Draining my energy. Nearly wore out my will to live.. in a day..

If this is what you face.. that Relentless Ongoing Neediness.. RUN. Or HIDE.

All I can say is I totaally understand, and feel exactly the same way.