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I am on year three of caring for my soon-to-be 94-year-old mom in my home. The background details are copious and, quite frankly, it exceeds my emotional bandwidth to outline them here, so right to my questions.



My mother's hearing is very bad (VERY bad). Without hearing aids, she has approximately 15% speech comprehension in each ear; obviously, that would go up a bit with the aids, but communication is still really difficult. She may have some very mild, age-related cognitive impairment, but she is a very bright woman and is still compos mentis. So, we just had an argument about rum raisin ice cream. Yep, ice cream. This is my life now! She consulted me a couple of days ago about a crossword clue, and I told her I thought the answer was rum raisin. I said it multiple times to make sure she heard, and she seemed to. Today, she comes in and says, "You'll never guess what that answer turned out to be: rum raisin." I told her I had thought that was it, and had mentioned it. This precipitated a huge argument, during which she informed me she should "know by now not to say anything ever", and that she will just no longer talk. I already know I blew it, but I keep wanting to talk to her normally. I don't want to just agree with everything because it's easier, but is that what I should do? ("Rum raisin? Really? Imagine that.") Now I feel like a failure (again) for making my mom feel like she's incapable and for causing her distress. She even mimed a dagger to the chest when she recalled my telling her she hadn't heard me. She won't even let me apologize, because she says I'm "prolonging the argument"!



Second question: One of her hearing aids hasn't worked for a while, and she's refusing to let me replace it because of the cost. She still blames me for taking her to a local university audiology department because the care there is so expensive. Is this a decision I can override? I know it's going to be a couple thousand dollars, and that's not insignificant, but honestly, the havoc ensuing around here because her hearing isn't as good as it might be is taking a toll. I have been raising my voice literally for three years straight!



Apologies for a long rant. Thank you for reading and for the support.

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Many can avoid having to raise their voice by using other methods;
* Speak clearly
* Allow lip reading
* Or speak up close to an ear
* Use more hand signals

My Mother never adjusted to hearing aides. Survived a significant health event & has refused them ever since.
She relied on lip reading until her sight deteriated. Now I use more simple hand signals.

Breathe. Leave the room when required to breathe.

I do get the frustration though! I am forever saying to my DH "I can't hear you" because he is speaking to me from another room.. 🙄
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Belsnickles Jun 2022
Good suggestions. Already doing most of this. Mom’s good at lip reading, but like your mom her vision is deteriorating. We also installed a live transcription app on her iPad that spells out things as you say them. That sort of works, but it has bugs (it actually spells out the f-word when no one said anything like that!)
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Seriously, if she's got any ability to reason, tell her (write it for her so she gets it)that having bad hearing really leads to terrible consequences for cognitive abilities. There is absolutely no question in my mind that my mother's cognitive decline was accelerated in large part to her inability to hear combined with her inability to see due to macular degeneration. EVERYTHING she took in by ear or by sight was distorted, and yes, it'll mess you up permanently.

This is no time to be stubborn, and I can't for the life of me understand why people who'll happily wear glasses are so all-fired bullheaded about hearing aids.
Yes, they're expensive, but would she rather become more and more isolated from the world until she's literally unable to relate to the world?

The idea that the local university is expensive seems ridiculous, too. That's a teaching facility, and I'd assume they'd be less expensive than a private audiologist. Just don't tell her how much it costs, for a start. Drop a zero off the price when you talk to her about it.
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Belsnickles Jun 2022
Thank you, MJ. You're so right. She has macular degeneration, too! Trying my hardest to protect the sight and hearing she has left, as there's really no good way to connect with the world without at least one of those intact. She is basically cognitively okay, but her reasoning absolutely flies out the window when the subject is her.
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Never met a hearing aid I could get along with, and don't know anyone who ever has in all truth. My partner has gone the from very very costly hidden and programable on his smart phone to now Costco which he likes best. Still and all they are a pain. My hearing pretty bad right ear. I always joke I hear more than I want to, but I am aware I do not hear things often enough, esp if there is machinery running, TV or radio running, someone in front seat and me in the back and so on.
I think the rum raisin thing is kind of a hoot, because it mirrors things around here often enough at 80 and 82 respectively. Also, my partner loves politics and loves looking at everything on Yahoo news while I hate it and avoid news. He comes at me with stories and I say "Did it occur to you I don't watch this stuff because I don't want to hear it?" and he says "I should know better than EVER to say ANYTHING". At this point it is kind of a joke.
I think sometimes when we are simply overwhelmed on many fronts things that are kind of funny are NOT anymore. If this is the worst that happens in your household I think both YOU and your MOM are just about ready to apply for Sainthood.
Not to make light of it when you are bothered. But this is so low on the totem pole of pain, of what can happen to us. I say, scoop up a rum-raisin on a sugar cone, extra large. I wish you the best.
Trust me. Year three of caring for your Mom who is 94. You are NOT a failure. You are a hero.
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Belsnickles Jun 2022
Oh, my gosh. That is my husband and me to a tee on the news thing! I'm so glad you guys have a sense of humor about it all. I've heard Costco recommended a few times on this forum, so I'll need to investigate that. And thank you for the perspective. I almost felt guilty posting, because I know from reading here just what people are dealing with.
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Whoa whoa.

The argument was not about rum raisin ice cream. The argument was about solving a crossword clue. Highly delicate subject.

#1 if you have an answer for her, write it down (not on the crossword grid of course - that would be sacrilege!).
#2 we had an otherwise delightful, really delightful, client who was as deaf as a flipping post but loved to chat. I got her a small, cheap whiteboard and drywipe marker pen for brief messages as an alternative to hollering into her ear and bless her she was really pleased. Your mother might not be so willing to accept this solution at first, but it might give your voice small respite breaks and that would be something.

Deafness is exhausting, particularly when the person doesn't cheerfully accept its reality, and you have all my sympathy; it's also going to do her brain health no favours. See what you can do to progress getting the new aid short of dragging her there bodily - does it need refitting or could her audiologist replace the old one from an existing mould?
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Belsnickles Jun 2022
Thanks, Countrymouse. You are obviously a crossword-doer! I did take in the hearing aid (w/o my mom) and they cleaned it and looked it over. As far as they were concerned, it was "working" because it makes the chirping noises when the battery's in. When I put it in my own ear, however, it "works", but doesn't amplify anything. I will talk to the audiologist and see if replacing it (w/o my mother's involvement) is possible. Among the many mysteries of the world is why Medicare does not cover hearing aids.
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Get a dry erase board & write it all down. RUM RAISIN in black magic marker. Saves time, saves money, saves arguments, saves sanity.

Sounds like your mother's ego is the biggest problem of all, and not wanting to spend any money, too. Which leaves you in the role of Bad Guy. I know it well. I was The Bad Guy for my mother for my whole life, but big time for the 10.5 years I was doing my best trying to care for her here in my state. She too was mostly deaf, but to hear her tell it, her hearing was fine, it was ME who was HOLLERING for no good reason. What saved my sanity was mom lived in Assisted Living then Memory Care when her dementia progressed to the point where AL was no longer an option. So my contact with her histrionics was limited, thank God.

So, should you agree with everything mom says in order to avoid 'catastrophic reactions'? Yeah, I guess so. What's YOUR sanity worth? With some MCI present, she's not one to argue with in the first place. With severe hearing loss & denial of it in force, you lose TWICE anyway. So I'd go with the 'agree with mom' at all costs program if it were me. B/c o/w you wind up 'feeling like a failure' when you're breaking your back trying to care for her in the first place!

You can override her decision about the hearing aids if you have financial POA I guess, but do you really want to go that route? Then you'll be The Bad Guy x 10,000. I'd go with the dry erase board first, and see if that works. When my mother broke her glasses for the 4th time, I had them replaced (with financial POA) and told her MEDICARE paid for it, which was a lie, b/c I did NOT want to hear the backlash about the cost. You can go that route I guess, if you think it's possible, and if you can write the check w/o her knowledge :)

Good luck. I know you have your hands full and I also know how terribly HARD it is to deal with an elder with bad hearing loss. NO I'M NOT SCREAMING AT YOU MOM, HONESTLY :(
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Belsnickles Jun 2022
Thank you. I relate to everything you said! I have been accused of "yelling" at her many times (which I actually haven't done since I was a teenager). White board is worth a try (I have one I use to apprise her of appointments, etc.), although you can't really have any sort of lengthy conversation with one. I think I'm still stuck on wanting her to be able to be and feel a part of things like she used to. And I HATE hurting her.
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