So my mom is at a senior assisting living . As of late Ive been getting harassed by the staff there not the care givers . I'm very friendly to all the residents and care givers when I visit my mom . The people in charge called me into the office saying I can't be conversating with the care givers anymore that I could get them fired if I distract them not only that I normally leave at 8pm when visiting hrs are done sometimes a few mins after that since I help my mom into bed since she doesn't trust anyone to help her there . They told me if they see me past 8pm that they'll ban me from visiting my mom and that they'll call the cops on me for trespassing at that time . I don't know what too do anymore it's always something I respect there rules I don't cause trouble everyone there knows me and thinks I'm a good person for visiting my mother everyday . So what can I do if I keep getting harassed by the supervisors ?
Try to enjoy some of your life, I know it's hard to enjoy your life , when someone you love is,hurting but mom is where she needs to be. You are doing the best you can for her.
I hope that came out right, nothing about this is easy! My mom's worrying me again, and I'm trying to not let it get to me. How many years can we let the worry get to us before it its us alive. We can't let it do that. We have to enjoy are life, as we see with are moms, life is short , we owe it to are selves to not live in nothing but worry and fear, when we are not there.
Going there everyday and staying all day is too much, your mother needs to acclimate herself to her new home and structure. You are impeding that process.
They are not harassing you, back off visit a few times a week for a couple of hours, let the staff put her to bed, she doesn't trust anyone because you won't let the staff do their jobs and are interfering with their day to day process by talking to them too much.
Get your life back, the clock is ticking, find something else to do with your time, this has become a habit.
You are a good person and love your mother, it might be time to become her daughter again, not her caregiver.
You need to let the staff help your mom. that is why she is there.
She needs to trust them to help her when she needs help.
If by conversing with any of the staff you are keeping them from doing their job they can be fired. Do you really want that on your conscious? Not to mention if by talking to one of the staff you are preventing another resident from getting timely help...how would you like it if mom started telling you that she needed help getting to the bathroom but no one came fast enough...cuz they were talking to someone in the hall....or ... the lunch she wanted in her room arrived cold because she was talking. ...
If you are there past visiting hours then legally you are trespassing. Although it is odd I don't know of many Assisted Living facilities that actually have "visiting hours" because in AL residents can generally come and go as they wish they just have to sign in and out. Now if she is in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing that is different. By you being there after hours it is possible that you are hindering staff getting residents ready for bed.
So you have a few options.
Abide by the visiting hours posted. Stop engaging staff in conversation as much as you do.
or
Look for another facility for mom that will not have a problem with your extended visiting hours.
They have given you the visiting hours. Obey they. You can have friendly brief conversations with caregivers, but they are there to do their job and cannot afford the distraction of long conversations. They are not there to chat, but to do their job, which is caring for elders, not chatting with visitors.
If someone has told you that you would be "removed by police" then apparently this is something that has been on ongoing problem you are not fully comprehending, because no facility would call someone into the admins and threaten them with the police. There is something left unsaid here, in my humble opinion.
I wish you good luck.
Please don’t take it too personally. They’ve given you a heads up. Now let them do their job (which they are paid to do and your mom is paying them to do).
Part of moving an elder loved one into managed care is to let go. Your mom must learn that she can trust, and you must learn it too. It is heartening to see and hear the camaraderie between staff members and elderly relatives as they get to know each other. They might have nicknames for each other, or little jokes. My husband in memory care can no longer talk understandably, but when he sees his morning aide across the dining room he smiles and gives her a thumbs up or okay sign. She responds with her nickname for him or a thumbs up of her own. This tells me that he's comfortable and happy there.
Back off and let mom build her new group of friends and companions in whatever way she will. That place is not your social hour! Find friends and spend time with them doing fun things or lunch at home or whatever you like. Things will improve overall if you do.
You need to find other things to
occupy your time . See friends , make new friends etc . outside of this facility .
Perhaps see a therapist regarding this unhealthy attachment .
I'm curious - why is she in an assisted living facility? Why isn't she just living with you? You could save yourself the time and her the money and you could avoid having any issues with the staff or the management of the facility.
Otherwise, if the goal of assisted living was to give her some independence, to give her the opportunity to have her own space, to meet other people, engage in activities, and utilize the services and options of the facility - you need to understand that visiting every day can actually impede her ability to be settled.
What happens if you don't visit every day? What happens if you get sick - let's say COVID or the Flu, and you can't visit for a week - what is going to happen? You mention that she won't allow anyone else to help her get in bed. Does she NEED assistance or is this something you just enjoy doing with her? Because if she needs assistance and you aren't able to be there - and she refuses to allow anyone else to help her - then she could become agitated or act out in some way that causes problems for both of you.
If you are visiting this much every day - what is the purpose of having her in an assisted living facility? What personal life of your own do you have if you spend every single day of your life visiting your mother and providing her care, when either her money or your money is paying others to do that? Are you still working? Have hobbies? Friends? Relationships? Anything that is being sacrificed in order to ensure that you visit her every single day?
As much as I hate to say this- what can you do to if you keep getting harassed? Let them do their jobs. Only communicate with them through the proper channels with regard to your mother's care. Follow the rules established by the facility. Leave the facility before 8pm. Perhaps limit your visits to once every couple of days instead of every single day, or even once a week.
1: spend your time only with your mom and don’t interact with anybody else and don’t make conversation with anybody else. Just be there for your mom.
2: also, I’ve read all the other responses on here and it sounds like it’s coming from a bunch of people who just want to get rid of their parents and aren’t closely bonded with them and would never understand so don’t listen to that you go visit your mom daily if that’s what your mom and you both want or need and it’s nobody else’s business to judge however follow the rules and just keep to yourself and your mother and just be invisible.
3: there have been several times that if I wasn’t at that Care Center that my mom could have ended up seriously hurt or injured actually let me backpedal a little. She did end up hurt when I wasn’t there, and I was the one who found her on the floor and alerted the staff when I got there so I disagree with all the other people who really don’t care that much about their parents and I say you stay by her side just mind your own business.
Your Mom is paying big bucks to live there. You need to allow the aides to do their jobs. You need to allow the aides to put Mom to bed. It does not make you a bad daughter to not do this for her. Mom is safe, fed and cared for. Give yourself permission to now have a life. No need to spend all day with her. Get rid of that guilt, its self-inflicted. Its not your fault she has gotten old. Not your fault her care has gotten beyond your ability to care for her. Its what it is and your not a bad daughter for placing her. You need to give her that chance to depend on the staff that is being paid to care for her.
If you are there every day and you always put your mum to bed, that means your mum can't get used to the way things are done at the facility. So, what then happens when you're ill and can't visit your mum?
It's in your mum's best interests to allow her to adapt to the carers at the facility. Will their care be perfect? No. But it is unlikely to be the scare story you will have read in a previous answer.
The reason so many are saying to back off isn't because we didn't care for our loved ones - we wouldn't be here if that was the case - but because we're more practical and can see this situation from various sides.
Yes, we also care about the wellbeing of the adult child (or spouse, etc.) of the person who needs care, but that doesn't mean we think the level of care isn't important. Of course it is.
However, not allowing the AL or care home do their job, for whatever reason, means you are in their way of the smooth running (as far as that is possible) of the place.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person; the adult children who don't visit every single day and who allow their parents to develop good relationships with the carers are also good people. The managers just want you to let them do their jobs, for the sake of all residents.
That being said, you may want to cut down on your visiting and how long you stay, Maybe you could do a 3-3 (3 days a week for 3 hours (either a total of 3 hours for the 3 visits or 3 hours per visit). Surely the staff would be okay with that?
What you can do is stay in your lane as a visitor.
Follow visiting hours. Don't do tasks that staff should be doing. Don't ask staff to do things they shouldn't be doing. (You may not be doing this, but plenty of visitors seem to think the staff is there to wait on them in addition to the residents.) Be friendly to staff but don't engage them in lengthy conversation that interrupts their work.
If they still harass you, then you may want to look for a less uptight facility.