Feeling guilty and selfish not being there for my parents. Any advice?

Good Afternoon,

I am a firm believer in "first hand information" rather than the telephone tree.
I recommend calling up your brother directly or better still, Skype. Deal with him
directly.

Tell him your scenario about your knee. Ask him flat out, what can I do for you and "our" parents from the West Coast? Do you need $$$? Do you need a cleaning person? Do you need grocery delivery? Do you need some gas cards?
Can I send you a check? That's all people really want. They want to be heard and supported.

I'm the "Aunt" with the 10 nieces and nephews. There's not enough minutes in our family to iron everything out. "Go to the source" your brother and deal directly and this way here he knows you have his back. I'm the Aunt who said, remember all of the Polly Flinders dresses, basketball camp, Disney World, designer clothes, porcelain dolls, theater, swim lessons, etc. You get it. I threw everything in their face. Remember the time I......yada, yada, yada. I'm trying to make everyone laugh here.

Then one day I had an "aha moment". I said stay focused, say things once, whatever they want to do is up them. They are adults. Build your network and stay off the phone.

I feel better now...I hope you do too.

Mom should be on Hospice, which Medicare will pay for. That will lessen the load on your brother a bit..With Hospice, the person has to be homebound and someone needs to be with them. If your dad is still of sound mind and fairly good health, that should meet that requirement unless he is a fall risk. Tell your aunt to get her nose out of your family business. If shes so concefned, perhaps she can help. Schedule your knee surgery ASAP so you can rehab while its still fairly nice out doors. If wait much longer, everyone is trying to take advantage of their met deductibles for this year and elective surgery schedules fill up really fast. You need to take care of yourself too so you can be there to maybe help with your dad down the road ....Best wishes to you. We all have so much to,deal with and juggle !

Your doctor has said to have the surgery sooner...not later.
Please don't put it off. It will help Noone if your knee gives out at the airport or your parents home 3000 miles from your home!

I am shocked by those saying to delay it against your doctor's advice!

It is not smart advice or will it help your parents if it causes a health emergency of your own!

I am in your boat. It can feel bad to be so far. My mom won't move to west coast she loves new England! But I love the West and my home and my family here. I make certain she has good care. Family on the ground there support but not overwhelmed .
Mare that kind of plan.

You can't help anyone very much if you are in pain or incapacitated. Take care of the knee...heal. Then travel back when you can to give your brother some relief and spell him. If possible financially, he should have paid help in your parents home as well to give him time off..to rest...to go see friends...to have a life.

My elder mom is 86 and needs help with meals and meds...but also needs company! We...as a family hired 2 great cna to care in her home...for most of the day. She can be alone overnight. She has her mind but frail and lazy ( true!)...
She loves the carers. Loves the company...chit chat...food and not worrying g about all the meds. They are wonderful. I go 3000 miles to see her as work allows. I too moved to west coast over 30 years ago..work family etc is here...

But family there pitches in with sis in law helping and over seeing...grand kids visit. A few friends keep in touch.
My two siblings have passed away ...and their children are there and do visit some.

I say get well get strong. Visit as work and family life allow. Keep an eye on care and her carer..your brother.
Let hi. Know you will spell him sometimes but encourage hiring of ongoing care to life some of the care giving off his shoulders.

There are good people in the cna field. Find them!

Can you afford to help brother out with some hired help?

Knee surgery can have a rather long recovery time, so even if you do it in November - her heath and brother's respite needs may not be met by you physically. With mom's health in decline over recent months, could you take the LOA and go help brother for several months? Then return to work for the surgery. That may be of more benefit to him now. You already put off the surgery for at least the past 3-4 months and sort of continued to plan it for first of 2023 which would have meant a planned delay of over 6 months. Unless there is some immediate urgency, helping brother to help mom and dad will give him some relief and you some time with parents before it's too late.

1) Ignore your aunt or tell her off. You are doing the best you can in your situation.

2) Yes, consider getting your knee done so that is accomplished and you will potentially be able to help later.

3) Do whatever you can do remotely to help and make a plan to give your sibling some relief by hiring help or whatever works.

Good luck!

i went through care giving early in life
When both my parents died in their
50’s and I was the oldest child. I should have moved or insisted that
my siblings help out later when other
tragedies struck in the family, but I
realize now that I was too anxious and
unable to insist that others help me.
Now that I am aging myself, no one
has offered me to care for me in the
future, including my two grown children whom I allowed to become
spoiled and selfish. Give whatever help you can to your siblings and parents now because there is never a
perfect time, and have your surgery.
Your family will be grateful and will
think of helping you if you need them
soon so you will be well and ready for
when you are needed again. You won’t regret helping, and you will have
shown others that they can count on
you.

woe8myte: Firstly, get your knee replacement surgery in November. Secondly, consult with your brother about what he requires from you in the way of help. Pay no mind or time to the acrimonious and offensive aunt.

I was on a different coast than my parents with a family and job. I did help financially, phone direction of caretakers, and visiting as often as possible as they weakened .Thankfully, no intrusive relatives like your aunt. Parents were not guilt inducing. I had suggested they move closer to me, my father refused until mom was too sick to care for him! Too late sadly.My regret is not spending more time with my mother previously, estranged from my Dad, often. Do what you can, take care of that knee. There will be more to do down the line. Do help your brother as much as possible and reasonable at this time. Next time hang up politely on your aunt. Times and circumstances are different than in the past. We build lives farther apart. This has it’s good and bad effects.

This might be a great opportunity to get out of California, it has become a night mare in so many ways. Your next move is really about your preferences and yes, with your brother carrying the load (no one should be on 24 hour duty), it might be a great time to give him a break. With your physical issues, it might be wise to get the surgery on the east coast and recuperate there as moral/financial support, not physical labor (as unpaid nursing staff).

You could take a medical leave of absence and make your decisions while back there. If all goes well, come back and retire or sell and relocate: the choice is yours and no one else's. Please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to help you plan for them and yourself: if your surgery doesn't work out, you may find yourself in need of care.

Aunty is stressed. Let her rant, let her get angry, however hear what she has to say and take it out of the "blame" context. Thank her for her time and concern and let her go.

Exchange your "guilt" feeling for a "concerned" feeling. Talk to your brother. See what he recommends. Come up with a plan for your parents, together. If available, offer to help from afar. For instance, my sister can do research, set up appointments, etc from a different state. She is there when I need to vent. However, remember, don't make day-to-day decisions unless he agrees to them first.

Yes, move up your surgery. No time is a better time. There will always be a reason for delay. Before you know it, the excuse will be that "I want to enjoy the holiday season."

Plan and organize for the future. Don't think too much about the what ifs. Plan for the 50% possibility. I notice that as I got older, it got harder to make decisions primarily because I was overthinking everything. Sometimes you just "got to cut bait and go".

And last, have faith and confidence in yourself, that you can handle whatever life throws in your way. Don't feel guilty, just acknowledge the error in your thinking and move forward.

Your parents are adults, and they should be making provisions for when they may become unable to care for themselves. They shouldn't assume that family members will be able to do it all (and family members have to agree to do this). The basic options are in-home care (family caregivers and/or hired caregivers, or a combination of both) or assisted living/skilled nursing facilities. They should make sure that all of their paperwork is in order, set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters (best to have two or more levels, for example for the medical POA, spouse first, then brother, then you, and for the financial POA, you, your brother...), a living will for their advance medical directives, so that you know their wishes, and both should have wills, if they have assets (such as a house). If you hire caregivers for them be sure to lock up the valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. Your brother should connect with a local social worker to discuss your parents' options. Much will depend on their financial situation. They are probably eligible for some in-home care provided by Medicare/Medicaid. Your brother and parents should take all of the in-home care that they can get, to give your brother some breaks. I would advise against putting off your own health care needs. If you are not healthy, how will you be able to care for other people? You'll need to take time off from your job for recovery. Would you also then be able to take family leave of absence? And there is no guarantee that this will be anything but a short-term assistance for your brother. Better for your family to plan for a more sustainable way to care for your parents. Is it time for them to consider going to an assisted living/skilled nursing facility? How would this affect your brother? All the best to you all.

You will not be able to do any lifting or transfer assists for your parents if you need a knee replacement. So, you need the knee replacement and the OK from your surgeon before you can do hands on care. That could be several weeks/months after surgery with rehab.

Since you are already doing the finances for your parents and your sibling is doing hands-on care, it is time to talk. Ask him what types of help would free up his time - grocery delivery, housecleaning service, lawn/yard service, sitters a couple of times a week... and offer to research the costs. You can then discuss together the best plan to address your parents' issues.

Aunt is feeling stressed. You are still working and need your own health needs addressed. No need to address her about that conversation unless she is spreading rumors or constantly giving you guilt trips. If so, take some time to craft some diplomatic responses from the info you shared above.

No doubt Auntie is stressed and worried about her sister and brother-in-law (Brother and SIL?), too, and unfortunately, she took it out on you. Cut her some slack, but do what you need to do.

That means get with your brother to see what HE needs. Help arrange extra help for him, because you're going to be out of commission for a bit. Get that knee done in November, because the rehab can be grueling. Write off the holidays (kind of a relief, honestly), focus on getting your body in the best possible shape, then attack 2023 with renewed energy.

sorry U have a tough decision to make. If u do the surgery before than it’s possible u may have issues later and u have to heal. If u do it after u could have a problem if u wait to long. What if u injury it more while away. I’m not sure u have to pray on it. Is there any way u can have someone come and assist her if u pay out of pocket. If u could for a few mths until ur able to come. If ur able to not lift and maybe do other things that I can do if u take a leave

Your mom’s health condition has changed for the worse as you expected, but you still haven’t attended to your knee. It sounds like your aunt was at your parent’s house when she gave you the tongue lashing so she has probably been pressed into some type of caregiving service and she is much older than you are. It’s human nature to become frustrated and angry when your strength is being tested while all those who are actually morally responsible, the children, are not doing their part in the eyes of those whose lives and health may be being disrupted or compromised. If this is the case, please try to see things from your aunt’s perspective and call and make up with her.

You have been told to have knee surgery but you still haven’t done it, In the meantime, it sounds like your brother is doing all the heavy lifting for your parents and has done for quite a while. If this is the reality, this is what it is.

It is unrealistic and self destructive for you to retire early or move to the east coast to care for your parents. The west coast is your home and has been for a very long time. Don’t let anyone try to shame you into such an unwise decision,

But if your knee replacement can be postponed and your mother’s death may be not far off as I infer from your post, a leave of absence to help your brother plan for your father’s care after your mother passes might be a good idea. If your knee situation is that bad, you can offer to help by taking over all the bill payment, arranging for services and doing everything that can be done from a distance or while you are staying in your parents home city during a LOA.

I have known numerous people who have had knee replacement surgery and they all reported excruciating post surgery pain and significant disability for up to a year. You may not have such an experience but it also isn’t realistic to believe that you might be of significant physical help until long after the surgery if there is heavy lifting involved.

Unlike many others who post on this forum, I definitely think caregiving cuts both ways and children are and always have been morally responsible to ensure that their spouses and parents are well cared when they can no longer care for themselves. Taking a leave of absence before your surgery to help your brother and aunt figure out a long range plan to provide care seems like the most realistic strategy based upon the information you provided. Do your best from a distance as you have been but don’t retire until you are ready and don’t move back to the east coast because of family pressure or guilt. A person’s siblings also have a responsibility to step in if they live near
by and children live far away and are helping as much as they can, in my opinion. Our family operates this way and support each other according to our age, health and abilities. People do get mad at each other but we do not let arguments fester, with few exceptions. I recommend that you do the same.

I, too, am a long distance caregiver. My sister never married, no children, lives in FL, I am in SC, a nine hour drive. I share DPOA and MPOA with my sister’s long time friend, she has become primary caregiver. We started this journey back in 2018 when I got a call from a hospital in FL, stating sister was there but she needed someone at home with her. I had just begun Chemo for Ovarian cancer. Husband and I went to FL and got her settled back in her house till other POA was able to return to FL. That was the beginning of her horrible journey. Sister is now in MC and in Hospice care. I do handle all finances and paperwork. I do what I can to help with care, but I also beat myself up because I cannot do more. She is 81, I am 74. My husband and I are there as often as we can and now my husband has developed issues that forced us to limit our trips.
Don’t let another relative make you feel guilty. Have they walked a mile in your shoes? Do they who complain even know the complexities of being a caregiver? Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.🙏🏻💜

Lealonnie1 has good advice. See what brother needs the most. Hire help for your parents, they should not be alone. Get your knee done asap taking into account the knee recovery is not a picnic and will take 6-8 weeks of P/T.

Your aunt was nasty and out of line. Please use your employer's health coverage to that knee surgery and PT as your doctor advised. You don't want to end up in a nursing home yourself and be no good for yourself, let alone anyone else.

Take care of your knee. Don’t let aunt put a guilt trip on you. The situation is that you need help yourself and are in no shape to put yourself at risk by flying to help. You’ve been a dutiful daughter so far. Pat yourself on the back, calmly inform aunt that if mom needs more help, aunt is welcome to step in and do it. She is likely to back off quickly when you suggest it. In that case, aunt needs to be told to go find herself, if you get my drift. Here’s wishing you a quick recovery from your surgery!

Don't ever let a guilt trip be your impetus for doing something! Your aunt was way out of line with what she did and it's too bad you didn't hang up on her. What is SHE doing for her sister?? Are YOU calling HER with a guilt trip, by the way, for what she's 'not doing but should be'? Ridiculous.

Call and ask your BROTHER what he needs from you. That's what I'd do. Let him know you need a knee replacement first, and then you're free to help out once you've recovered. Leave auntie out of the convo entirely, and keep it between you and your folks' primary caregiver, your brother.

It's also a good idea, imo, to speak to your brother about hiring help inside the home for mom & dad now. Giving HIM a break and respite from all this caregiving he's doing. And/or looking into Assisted Living for both of them, if they're not too far gone for that lifestyle. It's good to have all the options lined up before a crisis hits or he's burned out to a crisp and ready to collapse.

Wishing you the best of luck getting your knee done SOON and moving forward from there.

If you are not in a PT program, I highly recommend you get in one soon. My mom was in water walking before her knee replacements and sailed through the rehab because "she didn't need to build strength and endurance, just focused on truly rehabilitating the knee".

I would also recommend getting the surgery in Nov. You're going to need a walker or cane for 2-4 months so unless you are able to stay in the house or you live in an area that doesn't get snow, that is more complicated in winter months. If you are like my mom, not living with constant pain and swelling in the knee will give you so much more energy.

As far as visiting with your parents, you can probably travel comfortably 4-6 weeks after surgery. You may be able to assist with light housekeeping and cooking chores too, but don't overdo.

When I was taking care of my parents, I had one brother who didn't do a lot of the hands on caregiving, but he did listen and help with caregiving decisions and did just about anything I asked that he could, like take my car to get new tires or pick up mom's medicine or help me get mom in the car for a trip or take some papers to the attorney. Having his support in what he could do was invaluable to me.

I guess your Aunt views being an adult child as being a relationship that is reciprocal with being a parent.

It's not. She is wrong.

Your parents did their job caring for you and launching you into adulthood. You pay that forward, to the next generation, not backwards.

If they can afford it, Mom and Dad need to be in AL. Mom, I may look into Hospice for her. It would give your brother an aide a couple of times a week to bathe Mom.

You should not retire till 65 when Medicare kicks in. Heath insurance is going to take up a lot of your SS. At 62 you only get 75% of ur SS. At 67 you get 100% and at 70 you get 135%. If your single your future income needs to be considered. I so wish I had waited till 66 instead of 62.

Would your Aunt have laid into your brother if it was he who lived on the West coast? No, because he is a man and your a women. Woman have primarily worked outside the home since WWII. Even those who stayed at home worked after the kids left home. But, we r still looked at as the ones that should give up everything to care for our parents. Sorry that brother is the caregiver but Dad having Parkinson's its probably best he is because he has more strength than u do.

I would not take Family leave unless Mom was actively dying. Its only 3 months. You can take it in increments. Maybe taking a month at a time to give brother a break.

woe8myte, please note that a senior citizen should NOT be a caregiver to an older senior citizen. I was helping my folks [not hands-on] and it was exhausting at my age. Plus my parents kept viewing me as their "kid" like I was still 25 years old with a ton of energy.... bet that is what your Aunt was doing to you.

When it comes to retiring from a career, work for as long as you can. I retired at 75 and I was so grateful for those extra years. My boss was 85, and he could run circles around anyone much younger. The business closed when my boss passed from covid.

I've been retired for 2 years and I hate it. My mind is slowly going to mush. I know I am not as sharp as I was when I was working. Oh how I miss the office meetings, chatting with co-workers, the research, I would have worked for free just to keep my mind active.

I assume your brother is a senior himself, or close to that age. Note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the parents they were caring. Not good odds. Time for you and your brother to figure out the next step. My Dad went into senior living and he enjoyed his time there, loved being around people of his own generation and all the new ears to hear his stories :) Dad used the equity in his house to pay for senior living.

The first thing you should do is pick up a phone and give your aunt who clearly doesn't know the whole situation (the ones who make calls like that usually don't), a call and tell her to go pound sand.
Then explain to your sibling that you have to have knee-replacement surgery and cannot become a caregiver to your parents right now because you are literally physically unable to.
Really your parents with their conditions belong in assisted living with private aides hired to help them additionally.
It's certainly not fair that your brother has to become a nurse to them both. There are actual nurses and caregivers who do that work for a living. Please talk to him and your parents about the possibility of them going to assisted living.
Then go and have your knee replacement. The longer you wait the worse it is.

You are doing way more than many who live away, and your knee/coverage situation is tricky. The truth of what you do when that situation is resolved, is far more important, than any opinion your aunt holds.

I’d encourage you to never listen to another tongue lashing again, no one needs or deserves that. If you don’t want to hang up, “accidentally” drop the phone until she’s run out of steam and have a nice dessert, then say goodbye, but I’d just hang up and give her someone to gossip about.
Truth is, we’re not much good to others when we haven’t properly cared for ourselves and there are no gold medals for self neglect. Ask your brother for other ways you can help long distance, maybe you can arrange grocery delivery or something else useful

What has your brother, who is the primary hands-on caregiver in this situation, said to you about your knee surgery?

If you were my sister, I would tell you point blank that you should get that knee done BEFORE you even think about coming to help out, because how much help do you think you can give with a bum knee? What if, while you are at your parents helping your bro, you take a fall and do damage that requires an immediate operation? Then your brother will have to caregive for *three* people rather than two.

If you want for mom to improve or put off surgery in case she takes a turn, with her having CHF, I'm sorry to say this, but you won't be able to get that surgery until after she passes. My mom had CHF, and while there were some "good days", once she was in the full grip of the heart failure, "good" became a relative term. She never had "good days" like before she had the illness, it was just days where she wasn't AS short of breath, or AS tired as she had been, or AS not hungry as she usually was.

You want to help? Get that knee done ASAP, get through your physical therapy and then talk to your brother about getting to mom and dad to help, hands-on. Both your mom and your dad are only going to get worse, and if you're not at 100%, you're going to need care as well. And that is totally unfair to your brother.

Get that knee taken care of as soon as possible!

While I would normally have questioned why you couldn't use your FMLA benefits (if you have them; they are only for certain-sized companies) and take some time to go to CT, the knee issue makes that unwise.

Please do discuss with your brother that it is perfectly okay (and preferable!) that he hires help or places your mother in a facility (USING MOTHER"S FUNDS).

Did he jeopardize his own retirement by retiring early to be her caregiver? Is he being compensated for the caregiving? (I hope so!)

I would ignore auntie. This is between your brother and you.

Keep us updated!