Feeling guilty about dad and wondering if he is guilt tripping me?

I would say your Dad is still grieving the loss of your Mom. His whole world changed and he's angry and no doubt lonely and depressed. I'm guessing he's still in the family home you were raised in? If so, honestly, I don't agree with people who suggest he leave it and move closer to you. Most elderly people want to age in place, in a place familiar to them and moving isn't going to change his anger and feeling of loss. Perhaps you can interest him (and you) in attending a grief support group for someone who has lost a spouse. Contact the local hospice group in his area for resources.

Sometimes, a loss of this type makes you rethink your own "hectic" lifestyle. Maybe take the boys with you to visit their grandfather to reminisce about grandma and talk though grandpa's memories. I think that will help your Dad immensely. He's lonely, I'm sure, after losing his life partner. A broken heart can surely shorten life. Care Agency and home helpers are not family. My Mom and Dad and my in-laws are both gone now (in a matter of months for 3 of them ~ all in their late 80's) and I miss them terribly. 60 miles is less than an hour. Visit as often as you can. You won't regret it.

My mom's boyfriend of 25 years passed earlier this year, and she lives around 2 1/2 hours away from me.

She said she was lonely so wanted to get a dog or cat. I talked her out of that....bad on so many levels at her age (86 and a fall risk--cat or dog would be a trip hazard, she'd not able to protect the animal if it gets loose, and not sure she was up to taking care of it-pet waste wise)...so I talked her into getting two budgies. It in no way takes the place of a person...I totally get that...but it gives her something to take some of her attention, and give affection to. Meantime, I'm always asking her if she can take the free transport over to the Senior Center (where there are all sorts of activities and outtings), and even maybe start going to church to meet people there. She keeps saying she's open to that, but so far hasn't gone. We'll see....I'll keep working on her about that.

If your father can't (won't?) move closer to you, and otherwise has his facilities, perhaps you can bring up some of the above as suggestions for him. Staying social is important for brain health.

Exercise is really important too. I bought my mom a rowing machine a few years ago, and she actually does use it daily...sometimes twice a day for 15 minutes at a time. I tell her the key is not to push herself, but just to maintain motion to keep mobile.

Agreed that (even though it's hard) you should not take it personally when he's grumpy. He is venting to you, as you are family and likely the only one he feels it is safe to vent to. Believe me, when he is gone, you will look back on this time and be glad you let him vent and didn't take it personally. You have your family...he has just you (not saying you aren't a wonderful person...just that you have your family to vent to, and he does not).

But boundaries are important too. Letting him vent and not taking it personally, doesn't mean you have to be his punching bag. Just let him know when it's too much, that you understand he is venting, but you won't take it if he goes over the line and you will talk with him tomorrow when hopefully he's in a better mood.

BeckyBoo3: Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and send condolences. Secondly, it is often the adult child who does the most for the elderly parent who gets treated like the proverbial 'chopped liver.' Even so, he may feel 'bloody awful' about the loss of his spouse; his world has done a 360 degrees.

His whole world changed and there's a real good chance he IS angry about that. A year is a very short time after a death. Even you are still grieving in your own way.

You are the familiar in his life and that anger has to go somewhere. It's not you so much as his situation. Could he/would he move closer to you so visitation could be more often?

No one can guilt trip you if you do not allow it.
You are responding as you do ... and need to give yourself options on how you want to respond. Feel through all your feelings and own them. Otherwise, others - from all walks of life - will be 'in charge' of your reactions. It is a learned process through awareness - of what's running you and deciding not to allow that any longer. It takes patience and commitment to be aware of how one feels and work to shift out of automatic responses.

The first step is realizing that you feel as you feel. No one is making you feel a certain way. Automatic responses are just that - we do not 'think' about the response ... we are / allow our self to 'just' be in it ... and accept it as 'they are doing this to me.'

Clearly, automatic responses are often life-long learned patterns of behavior. Realize you can change how you feel / 'take in' an other's words / behavior - see it 'out there' to examine,' not merged with who you are.

When a person realizes they have options on how to process through feelings, they own them and make decisions accordingly, owning their experience. It is empowerment. Be gentle and patient with yourself ... this is a new way of being / explore your inner self ... feelings. When you do this, they change.

It is essential for our own holistic health - emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health (in an already stressful situation). We need to do all we can to 'keep our self' together ... and continually re-adjust how we feel to find our equanimity ... to keep going.

Gena / Touch Matters

You need to follow your sister's lead and hardly call him. A Geriatric Psychiatrist can prescribe medications that will calm him. Ask your local aging organization to evaluate him for placement: that will free you up to get grief counseling for yourself and give your children a chance to know a healthy and happy Mum.

Being someone who has had home care aides, I remember that they invaded my private space just by the fact that they were in the same room. I don't know if this might be true in his case. if he has grief issues and then the presence of your mum is being replaced by strangers, I would think this might contribute to his resentment. I would think he wants you there in preference over them because of the loss.

I do not think it has anything to do with you. It sounds like he is still struggling with his wife's death. Try to be patient with him and let him know you are struggling too with her loss, but you are so glad to still have him. Avoid asking him how he is and focus on positive things when you can. Like his grandchildren and how much you all care about him.

Yes. My advice is evaluate his physical condition, eating, ability to take care of himself and his life needs, i.e., showing, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. If the score is not as good as wheat you may want or expect ..start talking with your father about, perhaps, more "care" at home. Please do not take this journey on alone....you sister does need to be involved to assist you - he is HER father as well. Your mom's death is still "recent" and he is going through the realties of living alone and being without her.....that is a lot for anyone no matter what age. Sleeping could be a sign of grieving, being alone and knowing and realizing the reality of one's situation. He is going through a lot and so have you and your sister....Honor your father and mother by being true to yourself, your life and your family. Love him, support him and know your limitations. My best to you.

Your Dad may just be leveling with you. Were you a friend calling, and you said the above with his response being "bloody awful" you would just respond, "I am so sorry to hear that".

The word "guilt" has attached to it responsibility. So it is the wrong word.
You aren't responsible. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this.
The word "grief" is so much more appropriate. Your dad is suffering and his pain is causing pain for all who love him.
You feel hopeless to come up with a fix, and the truth is that you HAVE come up with a fix in that he is receiving care.

Be a bit more easy on yourself. There is reason enough to pain, grief, helplessness in our experiencing and witnessing the hopelessness and loss of end of life. There is no "fix-it" for this. You aren't omnipotent. I am so sorry for the pain of you all.

I would think it’s grief related. Also could be from cognitive impairment. It’s extremely hard to loose your spouse when you’ve been together so many years. He may be taking it out on you because you are family. Does he have friends or any other social connections? Perhaps grief counseling could help if you could get him to go.

Keep up with your own grief but sleeping and eating little is a failure to thrive. Try to get him to a doctor and report on his condition even if you have to send a letter to the doctor. He needs attention but not all of it

Grief counseling , a support group for widows . Sounds Like he needs friends . A gardening group , a walking Partner . A Live in care giver . He Needs to make friends . Sorry for the Loss of your Mom . maybe in a church group he could find a girl friend .

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. You are grieving and I am sure that your dad is grieving as well.

It’s hard to see our parents unhappy and upset about their circumstances. Please know that you have done your best to care for him.

Your family is your first priority, so there isn’t a reason for you to feel guilty. You can’t be in two places at one time. Your dad has help to care for him.

Perhaps he is lonely and would benefit from more socialization. Would he be more content in an assisted living facility? What were his interests before your mom died? Could he participate in activities at a senior community center?

If he relies on you, then naturally you are going to be the person that he lashes out at. Your sister isn’t involved in his life and isn’t around much.

People tend to lash out at the person they are closest to.

I’m sorry that you are catching the brunt of it all. Has he always been grumpy or is it just since your mom has died? If he has always been grumpy then you can’t expect him to change at this point in time.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

Are u in the US? If in the UK then there is no Medicare and your health system is different than hours. So too maybe he gets the number of hours he is allotted for in home care.

Yes he is guilt tripping you because he can. He doesn't guilt trip ur sister because she can't be guilted. I am one of 4 and the one Mom always tried to make feel guilty. My brother called her the martyr. Dad does not seem to have any serious illnesses. Of course he is depressed, he lost his wife of many years. She probably did everything, so he is kind of lost. But you are not her and you can't take her place. What do these people do that come in 2x a day? What does the home help do the 2 or 3x a week that they come in? Does he allow them to do what they are there for?

Its ridiculous for you or him to think that you can drive round trip 2 hrs a day to meet his needs. Tell him you understand he misses Mom but he cannot expect you to take her place. He needs to rely on himself. Go to the Senior center and meet some new friends. See if one of the aides can get him out of the house.

I like when he complains ask him what he is going to do about it. Because Dad, I can't be there 24/7.

He is guilt tripping you and dumping his bad feelings into your lap. He must be able to get help from you as a result so he keeps doing it. Your sister may have firmer boundaries.

Get him more help and the depression screening. That seems to be part of the issue.

I would suggest to detach yourself from his cranky feelings when he expresses them. Say something like oh or I'm sorry and change the subject. Your dad is the only one who can help himself out of his own bad mood. Don't let him indulge the wrongheaded idea that it's your job to do that AND be his whipping post.

If he can afford it, and if you're up to it, please organize more hired caregiving for him. More hours, more help. They'll also keep him company. In addition to health issues, he must be lonely. It might be a good idea to have a live-in caregiver.

My father would announce a problem then look expectantly at me to volunteer to solve it. I’d throw it back at him and ask him what he planned on doing about it. Yes he is guilt tripping you. Call less often like your sister. Pretend you didn’t hear his complaints and change the subject

Hi BeckyBoo,

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.

About dads attitude towards you and sis, if he is like many elders I have a few thoughts.
I suspect you are the person who organizes dads helpers which although he probably knows he needs them, wishes he didn’t. You are apparently “in charge” so it must be your fault he is old, his wife died and he has the various women in his house who can’t cook like you or your mom did. 🙄🤔🤨
Without mom, his days are empty.

Sis, I’m assuming, is not the one doing all the work. She is company. She is to brighten his life. With her he can pretend his life doesn’t suck. She’s not all wrapped up in running his life. This is called “show-timing”.
His attitude and behavior are so very common and aggravating to you. You are trying so hard to help him and he doesn’t appear appreciative. Check out the link below on show-timing.
Poor guy. He is probably depressed and his situation is depressing. When my DH aunt was asked why she was going to bed, she would say, might as well. It wasn’t like her and an antidepressant really helped her.

Your dad might qualify for home health through Medicare. They would check on him weekly. His doctor would need to see him. Tell the doctor before the appointment what is going on so he can assess dad for depression. Medicare pays for a depression screening once a year. The Geriatric Depression Scale, is a list of yes/no questions that you can read over yourself and probably help you decide if this is what is going on. It’s on the attached link.
Also talk therapy and/or grief support might be helpful. Medicare will pay for therapy if you can find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
Let sister know how much dad enjoys her calls. Share with her these links so she better understand what you are dealing with.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/geriatric-depression-scale

https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/

One last thing. Get dads weight on a regular basis, like once a week. Jot it on a calendar. This will help you judge over a period of time If he is losing weight and how much. This will be helpful to his doctor.

I’m really not much on taking meds but an antidepressant might help you as well. it’s helping me.

Big hugs and Happy Mother’s Day.

So sorry about your mom, Becky.

Sage advice? "Sorry to hear that, Dad." "That sounds hard." "What's your plan for that?"

Don't try to manage his food intake or get him to do anything different. If he's of sound mind, he gets to eat porridge and nothing else. Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone and visit if your presence isn't helping. Your own family needs you, and they should come first. You can't let him drain your happiness and energy.

Hang in there.