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Recently my husband, son & I moved to another state, for what I thought would just be to help his mom settle his grandparents in an assisted living facility. Thwn we would be taking over their house. When we arrive his mom is not there & is in fact living with his sister in the neighboring state. His grandparents are in their 90's & should not be living on their own. Grandma has dementia, is incontinent, and is too frail to do anything much on her own. Grandpa has heart issues, diabetes, is also incontinent(but won't admit it & rarely agrees to wear depends) & is having memory issues I think will lead to dementia. I have been taking care if both of them for everything. When I ask about when we will be getting them settled in a home; my husband just says he talked about it with his mom, end if subject...His mom came to visit for Thanksgiving & as she is nearly blind, deaf & disabled with rheumatoid arthritis; I took care of her too! I hate to sound ungrateful, as we will be eventually inheriting the house; but, I was never asked to be the sole caregiver, maid, etc. I feel like I was duped & I think my husband feels the same way, but he's being the good son/grandson. I love his grandparents, but I feel like an unwilling servant.

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Your move to another state didn't just happen overnight. Prior to the move your husband must have discussed the circumstances with his mother and, if discussions occurred by telephone, your husband was well aware that she wasn't there at all.
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Who is doing the planning here?

The first thing that needs to happen is that you need to understand that unless there are loads of assets aside from the house ( thing high six figures in CDs, stocks, investments), the house will be liened by Medicaid to fund grandparents ' care in a facility. So put out of your head the idea that you are "taking over" their house.

Go to the Money and Legal tab and read up on Medcaid. Get yourself and your husband to an eldercare attorney to draw up a caregiving contract for now. Make sure you have POA for finances and healthcare, if grandparents are still competent enough to execute them. Call the Area Agency on Aging and find out what free or low cost services they are eligible for.

And figure out for yourself what you are and are not willing to do. Make it clear to your husband that this is an ill-conceived plan that you want no part of.
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Spot on Babalou. the only way you will inherit the house is if a) it is willed to you and b) you do the care and don't have to pay for any hospital treatment/care bills. Sounds like you were a little naive to me but all is not lost. If you are doing the care then make blinking sure you have some remuneration for this - don't rely on a will for sure.

Gosh every time I write this sort of thing I feel like I sound mercenary but it is a sad fact that if you give up working to care for relatives and are not paid for it by them then unless you are financially sound, you could find yourself in financial difficulty later on in life. Pfffft to those who say it is a privilege - his grandparents did not raise you or have any input into your development it is therefore a job for you not remotely a privilege
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Sorry to agree with you, but yes you were duped...

Take Babalous advice asap!!
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How do you know you are getting the house? His mom may inherit the house and you get nothing but pissed off and taken advantage of.
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Sadly, I do see manipulation in this situation. I also see intransigence and some irresponsibility as well exploitation on your husband's part for putting you in this situation.

Is your husband helping at all?

I think I would not only draw up a contract for payment, but for very specific duties of who and what you'll do, and limit the caregiving; you can't take care of both grandparents and his mother when she comes. That's just plan unreasonable.

Start interviewing caregivers and people to clean and make it clear that you're not going to do this. You'll have to take a stand now before your husband begins to side with his family and you really becoming a human work horse and as the friction escalates.

Don't be afraid to stand your ground as well. There are other posts here of women who'd been co-opted into caring for their inlaws, and their lives have been ruined in the process as they've turned into Cinderellas, literally stuck scrubbing floors for years as they're trapped into virtual bondage. Yes, I'm being overly dramatic, but some of the situations discussed in other posts are close to this.
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Opalessence, you probably heard the old saying don't count the chickens before the eggs are hatched. I remember my sig other said to me that I will be wealthy when my parents pass on.... I told him I am not counting on it.

Sure enough now he understands as years later my parents are paying out of pocket for Mom's long-term-care facility, and out of pocket for Dad's caregivers which both totals to $30k a month. My Mom, even though she is on Hospice, could live another couple of years this way. And Dad is still going strong.
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Does your husband have POA? If no, that is top priority. Is this the first time your husband has made arrangements with his mother and not you? In my opinion, you should make every effort to get yourself a life outside the house and limit your caregiving to something reasonable like groceries and meal preparation.
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Thanks all. Yes i was obviously naive in this. But, my husband has never done anything remotely close to this. His family lives in Missouri & until recently we lived in Washington. I was the main breadwinner until being laid off due to disability issues. I talked with him today about it & he is irritated by it all too. His mother & sister are the executers of his grandfathers living will, with the POA. Until they both come down & sign paperwork we cannot get them into a home; or setup caregiving payments. That wont be be till the end if the month at least. There is a caregiver of sorts, that comes in once or twice a week. She did some laundry, sets up grandpas meds for the week, etc...but she has a fulltime job on top of coming by to help. She is great, but they need fulltime care. According to my husband the house has to be in his moms name for at least 5 years to avoid it being taken for the assisted living/nursing home costs.
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Your husband sounds like he is buying a story, somebody is terribly misinformed. The only way the house can go to mom without grandma getting penalized is if she provided grandmas care for two years prior to a nhrsing home becoming necessary. The five years started ticking when mom got the house signed over to her by grandma. When was that done? Just recently from the sounds of it. Can you see yourself caring for them for five years? I did not think so. Let mom do that work she is getting the house after all.

If you were laid off because of a disabilty, that is against the law. I would see an employment attorney about that!
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JOpal, you and your husband are either terribly naive, being used or both. Read the Money and Legal tab at the top and educate yourselves about Medicaid and lines on homes. Stop believing the line of BS you are being fed by your MIL. Perhaps MIL is limited in some way and doesn't understand the legal issues?

As I asked initially, WHO is doing the planning here? You want to make sure it being done by someone who is cognitively competent, financially savvy, and that it's being done with the advice of a lawyer who understands the Medicaid issues that may be involved.

Don't know go down this road of " I heard that if you......the NH can't take your house".
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MEDICAID Liens on homes, that was meant to say.

The nursing home/Alf doesn't "take" the home. If Medicaid is paying for granny's care and granny has an asset, they want to be reimbursed after her death. They put a lien, a legal claim on the home for a dollar amount equal to her care. With nursing home care here in the Northeast running $10,000 a month and up, that adds up quickly. I'm over simplifying this, but this is the general idea.
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Did you leave your job? Please start looking for a new one right away. If you are the sole support of your family, you are going to find yourself trapped in this role unless you get back on your feet financially asap.
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Opal, this isn't a criticism but rather a clarification. A Living Will is similar to a DPOA in that it grants authority to someone, in the case of an LW, medical decisions for the maker of that LW. There is no executor - that's only for Last Wills and Testaments.

The fact that neither you or your husband has any legal authority over the grandparents is another trap. If you have to "wait" until your MIL and her daughter come down to "sign the paperwork", it's another way of trapping you in your situation. This all seems calculated and plotted to me.

And if the grandparents don't have funds to pay for care in a facility and have to rely on Medicaid, depending on how long they live, you may or may not get the house, if that even was the intention. You wrote that you would "eventually be inheriting the house."

If Medicaid doesn't lien the house and take it, you have absolutely no, NONE, NADA, promise of getting the house unless there are specific legal documents to this effect.

You've been manipulated and scammed by your husband's family.

Turn the tables back on the family - write them, either by e-mail with read receipt or by letter sent certified, announcing that you're making other arrangement to move out and they should step up to the plate and take over care of the grandparents.

And as Babalou advises, focus on your own lives; consider suit for being relieved of your job b/c of disability, use the unemployment comp you're getting to refocus your life and get out of this situation....and don't look back.
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so as soon as hubbies gramma is settled in a care facility it sounds like hubbies mom will soon need assistance (from you) with everything possibly into HER nineties. don't just get mad and pout, get smart. as suggested by others here seek legal advice. save this page and follow their advice step by step. if you can't hire a lawyer for some reason there are free consults that will begin to educate you and the internet is great for learning stuff. just google legal advice for caregivers or something similar. Also, what about your bio family. can you get help/advice from them? as last resort to save your own life/future would be to leave but at this point it would have to be done carefully, don't get charged with elder abuse or abandoning gramma.
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"Until they both come down & sign paperwork we cannot get them into a home; or setup caregiving payments. That wont be be till the end if the month at least."

Good grief, Opalessence. I don't meant to be harsh here, but WHAT were you thinking when you made this move? You were indeed extremely naive and you and your husband were most definitely manipulated by his Mom (AND sister). Your sister-in-law KNEW her Mom was living with her. Your mother-in-law is nearly blind, deaf and has crippling arthritis. Did you really think she was taking care of her parents?

GardenArtist is correct. You will be inheriting nothing, NADA, without the proper documentation and that documentation must have been executed over 5 years ago for Medicaid not to "look back". They will most definitely be putting a lien on any house for reimbursement for cost of care of Grandma/Grandpa in a nursing home. Set up caregiving payments? Perish the thought. No one's going to be paying you anything. Your Mother-in-law/sister-in-law will be taking their sweet time "coming down" to deal with this situation. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And if the house is now in your husband's Mom's name, does SHE have a will naming you and your husband to get the house? Where are the copies of these wills/documentation? Have your actually seen these with your own eyes?

Follow Babalou's advice PRONTO. Get in touch with a competent Elder Law attorney. Make no mistake -- these attorneys will cost you -- but excellent ones are worth their weight in gold.

You were sold a bill of goods, Opalessence, and your husband either willingly or unwittingly went along with it. If you were the main breadwinner and are now disabled, what does your husband do for a living now that he's relocated half way across the country? If he's working now, then it's YOU that will be caregiving for Grandma and Grandpa. By the way, you cannot be laid off for being disabled. That's against the law. This is a hornet's nest. I'd advise you to extricate yourself and your husband from what will be a gigantic burden (financially, physically and emotionally). Get an Elder Attorney NOW. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
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I also think that You, not your husband, but You, are being taken advantage of, if You, are doing all/most of the care giving. Also, I bet that when the grandparents die, the mother and sister will inherit the home and once again You will be asked to care for the mother.
Also...
How is all this affecting your son?
What happens to you and them if you become too ill to care for them?
Do you have a work history and savings for when you retire?
You need out of this situation and fast.
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There is No Such Thing as Inheritance, until after their death, and All of the bills have been paid, firstly, The Nursing Home or Assisted Living bill, as well as All of their Medical and Drs bills, and this can take away your dream of one day owning their home, in a snap! Don't believe it, and don't fall for it! Believe me, my FIL, Has been living in Our home X12 years now, since I was 44 years old. I'm now nearly 56, and there is no end in sight, and his monies are dwindling. The Carrot, held over my husband's head is only a figment of his imagination, and most probably will be gone ever before it becomes real. Do you want to give up possibly many many many years of your Life, caring for them with the remote chance of getting this house? Some things just aren't worth all of that, those years, you can not get back! Promises are made, as in my circumstances, but also meant to be broken, believe me, it's not worth it, and your marriage WILL SUFFER! It ABSOLUTELY WILL! There is a lot of very good information here on this site, so be sure to check it out, and go forth with the knowledge that you may lose everything to gain nothing in return! I don't mean to scare you, but actually I do, as this is a very scary situation, and its yours Life we are talking about! Regarding Legal issues, his Grandparents/Grandfather must be of sound mind, ever before he can sign a legal document, so do not wait until it's too late to get those affairs in order, ie: a Patient care contract, seeing to your payment for Cargiving. There is a good one in the legal section on this site, but better to go to an elderly attorney to have one drawn up. As well as the wills, Power of attorney, and medical power of attorney, and Medical Directives for both of them. Do your homework and the best of luck to you both! Also, how old is your Son? Do you really want to raise him around declining, dementia people? Is that fair to him? Will he be getting sufficient care, or always have to be sidelined due to the older loved ones needs first? It's a lot to consider, and yes, you were probably duped into a situation that you are ill prepared for.
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Can I just say that in the UK you can be medically retired if you cannot do a job because of your disability. Imagine being a nurse and then finding you eyesight so debilitated you cannot see any more. You could not DO the job. They may try to find you something you COULD do but over here you would be retired on medical grounds - with a pension - but still no job UNLESS you lied about a condition you knew about - then all bets are off
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